Girlfriend likes another guy.. what do i do?

[Guest]

Background: I've been with my girlfriend for two years. I am 20 and she is 19. We are both in college. We are separated by 45 minutes of roadway, and we see each other 2 to 3 times a week. I love her with everything I've got. Then a few weeks ago, she dropped a bombshell.

 

We were at a party and she was flirting with this other guy--touching his chest as if she were grabbing for a nipple. She did it over and over again. She got drunk before this; I don't like to drink very much, so I was sober. Anyways, after seeing this, I wasn't having a very good time. I asked her to stop. She didn't. I would come and sit next to her throughout the night, but she would get up and leave every time i tried to. Eventually I got fed up with her repeated flirtings with the guy and avoiding me, so I told her we were leaving. We went back to her dorm room and talked for hours. Finally, she told me she likes the guy "enough to kiss him and enough to be with him." He lives down the hall. I live 45 minutes away.

 

Her explanation for this? "You aren't fun to be with. We never do anything fun anymore. I like him. I don't know if i want to be with you anymore. WE don't see each other enough. You live 45 min away, he lives down the hall"

 

Note: almost every dime i make goes into driving up to see her and feeding her/taking her out places/doing fun things with her. It breaks my heart to hear this "isn't enough." She does her share too, by visiting once a week, sometimes twice.

 

-About a year ago, I found out she started having feelings for another guy; that ended shortly after it began. We almost broke up at that point, too.-

 

I don't know what compelled me to stay there that night, but I did. The next day, I left. We talked about it for hours on the phone and we weren't really getting anywhere. Eventually, she told the guy that she was sorry for flirting with him. I thought things were beginning to improve, until i read a blog she wrote on her friend's page. (I wasn't snooping.) It said he likes her too, but won't do anything because she's still in a relationship. The words she used made OUR relationship seem temporary, and she said that "if things don't work out between us, i still have the guy to fall back on."

 

That made me feel terrible. It felt like she was using me. That night i went to see her. I made her choose between me and him, and told her i was tired of playing games. She apologized and cried her eyes out. We made love, and things felt better.

 

Since then, things have been a lot better between us. We have been in better moods around each other, we have stopped arguing, and everything is pretty peachy.

 

Well.. we went to a school dance the other night. The guy was there, and she seemed pretty ecstatic to wave at him. I pulled her close to me and walked by without stopping to talk to him. I wouldn't have been comfortable. She sees this as control. Maybe it is a little bit, but can you blame me? Seeing him made me feel like sh-- all over again.

 

I read her blog again today--she said "he looked so cute! but i couldn't go near him because [her boyfriend] wouldn't let me, which is understandable, i suppose."

 

Reading that just made me feel bad all over again. What do i do? I really need some advice. I'm tired of having my heart played with, but when i'm with her, i can tell she genuinely loves me and would never cheat on me. WE really do have a good time together and love each other, but i'm tired of feeling like i have to try to win her heart over or lose it to the guy.

 

PLEASE HELP

 

Please?

 

Anything?

[BentSpine]

It's one thing that we are going to feel attraction to other people while in a relationship: That's survival of the species.

However. there should be no doubt from the actions of your partner that she thinks you're number one.

 

I pulled her close to me and walked by without stopping to talk to him.

 

She would have pulled YOU closer and followed YOU, if you were number one in her heart.

[amerikajin]

WE really do have a good time together and love each other

 

Oh, really? Says you.

 

Look, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you already know the truth, don't you? You just don't want to take the final step and accept reality. The reality is, it's over. End it with some grace, or she'll have to un-gracefully end it for you.

 

Tell her thanks for the memories, and leave it at that. Oh, and uh, never pull a girl by the arm -- that's not cool.

[Curmudgeon]

She's not your girlfriend. She may not even be your friend at all after what she said to you and you're decidedly NOT her boyfriend. You're just a guy she sees regularly while she's also seeing someone else.

 

You know what you need to do. You just don't want to admit it.

[PositiveShine]

And I'm saying that as a 25-year-old female! I've seen women do horrible things (keep a "temp" boyfriend until they can jump to the next one so they have attention constantly, make the guy feel terrible about himself, cheat, etc.)

 

You have to realize she has the maturity of a child. This is ALL about her, and you can't change that. She really sounds like a real b!tch, and I know it's hard to consider the idea of completely breaking things off. However you are feeding to exactly what she wants. Let her go and be with whoever, but you definitely deserve better and she will be the one missing out!

 

Best of luck . . . keep us posted.

[Curmudgeon]

I've always liked women and enjoyed their company but lately, I've had to admit to myself that they can decidedly be deceitful and my overall trust level is pretty low on the confidence scale.

 

I find that very unfortunate. It was a lot more pleasant when I trusted freely.

[PositiveShine]

While there are definitely women who love creating drama and drawing attention to themselves and "always looking for better" and settling for now (man, we really do sound terrible, don't we??), there are definitely some golden ladies out there who have made it through tough situations, come out stronger for it, and know a good thing when they see it.

 

I would definitely disagree that ignorance is bliss with this issue. It'll save you a lot of time and possibly hurt if you are watching for these traits and keeping your eye out for the geniune women who will love you to pieces and appreciate you. Promise .

[Curmudgeon]

...the geniune women who will love you to pieces and appreciate you.

 

...but in the past several weeks I've had cause to question it. Unfortunately, the questions come a bit over 10 years into the marriage. I have no idea, at this time, how it will all play out. The last marriage to a woman who turned out to be deceitful and disloyal lasted 25 years. I won't let this one last as long if my concerns aren't properly addressed and laid to rest.

 

If it doesn't survive, I'm done with commitment if not any type of relationship, even a casual one.

[amerikajin]

...but in the past several weeks I've had cause to question it. Unfortunately, the questions come a bit over 10 years into the marriage. I have no idea, at this time, how it will all play out. The last marriage to a woman who turned out to be deceitful and disloyal lasted 25 years. I won't let this one last as long if my concerns aren't properly addressed and laid to rest.

 

If it doesn't survive, I'm done with commitment if not any type of relationship, even a casual one.

 

Is she really being deceitful?

 

If she has been deceitful, how bad have been the offenses?

 

Can you live with the offenses, accept what is for what is, and move on?

[Curmudgeon]

Is she really being deceitful?

 

That remains to be seen. Let's just say there's room for doubt where before there was no doubt whatsoever in my mind about her truthfulness.

 

If she has been deceitful, how bad have been the offenses?

 

That's qualitative and I'm not sure right now. Bad enough in the past in terms of the truth to make me sincerely question the present.

 

Can you live with the offenses, accept what is for what is, and move on?

 

Don't know. If I ever get to the bottom of it I'll be able to answer that question for myself. Right now I have hefty doses of scepticism and ambivalence.

[Guest]

Things have improved tremendously. She will lose me if anything happens again.

 

.... and i didn't *pull* her by the arm. We were holding hands and walking. I kept my arm straight and walked in the direction that i wanted to go--away from him. I didn't pull her; I only made it clear the direction I wanted to go.

 

Since april 22, we've spoken a lot about the issue. For the most part, it is resolved.

 

Thanks for the thread-jack. understandable, i suppose-- it's been a week. This is the original poster

[amerikajin]

That remains to be seen. Let's just say there's room for doubt where before there was no doubt whatsoever in my mind about her truthfulness.

 

 

 

That's qualitative and I'm not sure right now. Bad enough in the past in terms of the truth to make me sincerely question the present.

 

 

 

Don't know. If I ever get to the bottom of it I'll be able to answer that question for myself. Right now I have hefty doses of scepticism and ambivalence.

 

If you don't mind my asking, what kinds of potential un-truths are we talking about here?

[Salicious Crumb]

Background: I've been with my girlfriend for two years. I am 20 and she is 19. We are both in college. We are separated by 45 minutes of roadway, and we see each other 2 to 3 times a week. I love her with everything I've got. Then a few weeks ago, she dropped a bombshell.

 

We were at a party and she was flirting with this other guy--touching his chest as if she were grabbing for a nipple. She did it over and over again. She got drunk before this; I don't like to drink very much, so I was sober. Anyways, after seeing this, I wasn't having a very good time. I asked her to stop. She didn't.

 

Ok..I've heard enough...you needn't have had to write any more than this.

 

Dump her...she is not trustworthy. You are young and don't need to waste your time any further with her. Take it from someone who knows all about wasting time with someone. You don't need that.

 

You love her...I understand bro...but it doesn't sound like her heart is completely yours.

 

Put her on the street like yesterday's trash and move on. You have your whole life ahead of you.