BohemeRose Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 I'm the first to admit that I'm a jealous girlfriend. Very much so. My boyfriend (who is a long distance boyfriend as of right now) knows this, accepts it and loves me anyway. I don't want to accept me like this, though! The thing is, my boyfriend has always had a good amount of female friends, although a lot of them are in serious relationships or married so it was never a bother. But there's now been 2 cases of their husbands leaving them and for whatever reason, they come to him for a shoulder to cry on. He's a genuinely nice guy and a good friend so he talks to them (on the phone, as far as I know he hasn't met up with them at all) and tries to offer some emotional support, so I can see why they do it, but for some reason it really cheeses me! Don't you have female friends to go to for this?? I mean, maybe if I wasn't so far from him right now it wouldn't bother me. I trust him, and I know he wouldn't cheat on me but I just want to stop feeling so jealous over something so stupid! But at least I don't freak when he watches porn. (sorry, had to say it.) Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 Jealousy only has to do with insecurity. It's an emotion our ancient ancestors developed in order to help ensure loyalty in mating situations but it serves no useful purpose in today's world. Suck it up now! People are going to do what they're going to do with whomever they're going to do it with. It's just the way the world is now. Develop some good confidence. Trust your guy. But if he strays...suddenly sends you an email that he's taken up with one of these other gal friends of his, consider yourself lucky that the way is cleared for you to find someone you feel very secure with. You deserve to feel good about a relationship, not having to worry constantly if he's going to be around tomorrow. That's just trash! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BohemeRose Posted April 23, 2007 Author Share Posted April 23, 2007 Trust your guy. But if he strays...suddenly sends you an email that he's taken up with one of these other gal friends of his, consider yourself lucky that the way is cleared for you to find someone you feel very secure with. You deserve to feel good about a relationship, not having to worry constantly if he's going to be around tomorrow. That's just trash! Here's the thing though, I DO trust him. I don't worry that he's going to leave me for one of these other women. So maybe "jealousy" isn't exactly the appropriate description for how I feel....these other two women really kind of...piss me off? I mean, they know he has a girlfriend so, maybe that's a reason they go to him for this support. They may be assuming that because he's taken, he's not going to take their contact with him as a come on of any sort. Which, they are right about if that's in fact what they're thinking. But it still just sort of rubs me the wrong way. When ever I've had problems with a boyfriend, I've gone to my GIRL friends about it, never a guy friend unless I wanted some sort of affection from him. So, okay, you could call me guilty of jumping to conclusions, too. I admitted right off the bat, I'm nowhere near perfect! Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 It's not jealousy, it is a wariness about his female friends boundaries, and maybe you are feeling a bit disrespected by them. They may not mean harm to you, but if it bothers you, talk to your BF about it. Truthfully, not many guys will turn away a female friend who calls them up in tears needing to talk to them. And it may be too much to ask of him to not talk to them in that situation. You can only ask that he not get too intimately bound up in their problems, maybe suggest that if it hapens more than once, if he can suggest they talk to someone else with more experience, as opposed to letting them go on and on to him? Can you somehow call them up (never by email-don't write or leave a trace) or next time you see them take them aside and say "I'm sorry to hear you are going through a tough time, but I am sure you have other friends to talk to, perhaps in the future you could leave my BF out of this." It could work. They will probably hate you, but they may think twice about it and not do it in the future. You don't want an escalation where they then need to talk more and more frequently to your BF. Or where it becomes a habit . Of course this could backfire, and they could call up your BF to complain about how mean you were, then if he gets mad and apologizes for you to them, that could set up a scenario where they now hold the power. Alternative #2: a few seemingly caring yet condescending remarks to the girls like "wow, what did you need to get in touch with (insert your BF's name) for so desperately? I'm really sorry to hear about your break up- Don't you have other friends besides MY (put emphasis on "my") boyfriend that you could talk to about this? " maybe add an "when he told me about you calling , we were both surprised that you called him to talk about, surely you have female friends who you know much better?" you may want to think about that one, in case she quotes it back to him, but that is good, it creates discomfort and the goal here is to not let them feel comfortable doing this as long as you are his GF. Put them in a position of having to explain to YOU why they felt the need to call him. Don't say anything too much, don't start a catfight, just create an air of haughtiness and subtle discomfort, and maybe a little bit of a pathetc look for them a they are explaining themselves. If they catch attidute- just walk away , and be sure to tell your BF how you inncocently asked them this question and how they got attidute with you. Maybe that would be better. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 He may not cheat on you, but he IS putting himself IN a situation where something could easily happen, unplanned ofcourse. Unfortunately due to the LDR you have with him, you gotta just trust and have faith that he won't let anything happen. It's out of your hands completely, you have NO control over what 'could' happen so why worry about it? Seriously, if you keep busier and focus on other things, what he does won't upset you and make you feel jealous as much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BohemeRose Posted April 24, 2007 Author Share Posted April 24, 2007 Oh good god...ok, so I brought it up to him and his alternative? Give them MY number and have them call me. Which, the most frequent of these needy ladies, thought was a fabulous idea. I got a call in the middle of the day from her asking for advice on her husband who is in the process of leaving her, which is something I have no experience with, but I tried. She really just came across as very lonely and desperate, so now I feel kind of bad...well, almost. I'm a bad person, what can I say. Link to post Share on other sites
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