Concerned: Wife Hurting Over Weight/Body Image

[Wedded25]

Greetings to all from a new member. This seems like a forum both friendly and wise, and so I hope it's the right place for me to voice my concerns. Background facts to set the scene: My wife and I have been happily married and stone monogamous for nearly 24 years now; since we lived together a couple years before marriage, we're unofficially past the quarter-century mark -- hence my username. No children by mutual choice, but we're now on our second lovely pair of cats.

 

I'm currently distressed because my wife has been wrestling all her life with severe shame over body weight and image -- and over the course of 25 years, I haven't been successful in helping her overcome it. Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say she began internalizing negative messages about it in toddlerhood.

 

I've given her all manner of loving reassurance that I genuinely find her stunningly lovely no matter what the numbers on the scale or the tape measure say. And I've made sure she knows it's not merely words -- even when our affectionate touching doesn't proceed to sex, I've often guided her hand to my "most valuable spot" so she can feel how much she still excites me, even after 25 years.

 

I've also made clear that she needn't jump through any beauty hoops for my sake. And I've expressed my firm conviction that a cultural "system" that allows anyone to declare a certain size, color or shape of any body part to be a "flaw" is fundamentally corrupt. We both have minds sharp enough to shoot down any advertising/media puffery, and we both agree that it's horrendously unfair for one gender to have to engage in constant beautification rituals while even daily face shaving is no more than optional for the other.

 

In sum, I've made the best possible case for her to feel completely comfortable with herself, but somehow it remains just that -- a case. A dry academic/philosophical exercise she can accept in theory, but still can't feel ... can't take to heart. Or, to be more accurate: She'd be nothing but compassionate if a girlfriend in body image distress came to her for help ... but still can't extend herself the same compassion.

 

To address a few issues sure to be raised:

 

(1) While I can appreciate the ample female form, I have no actual "fetish" for ample women. I just fell in love (on every level -- physical, mental and emotional) with a woman who happens to be ample.

 

(2) I didn't do so for any subconscious rescue/charitable reasons -- no "noble male taking pity on the poor large girl no one else wanted." She is gorgeous enough to snap her fingers and have any man she wants, and I have no jealous hidden desires to keep her ample and thereby "off the market."

 

(3) Psychotherapy is out of the question -- even with good health insurance, the co-pays would leave us strapped.

 

(4) No pastoral counseling either -- she's pantheist, I'm atheist.

 

(5) I did see the weight/body image issue hit hard within my own family. My mom went through every beauty ritual in the book (including a facelift), only ate tiny portions at every meal, and never weighed over 97 pounds her entire life except once, when laid up after extensive surgery. And all of this STILL wasn't enough to keep my dad from cheating on her!

 

(6) I do have some such issues myself, but I know full well I shouldn't send mixed signals by delighting in her body while disparaging my own. I haven't overcome this entirely, but I do my best to minimize it.

 

I love my wife deeply, and always will. I know it's unrealistic to expect weight and body image pressures based on corrupt stereotypes to disappear from the world in my lifetime. But I've tried my hardest to banish them from my little corner of the world -- and alas, I seem to be failing miserably.

 

Any input is graciously and gratefully appreciated. Thanks --

 

Wedded25

_________

 

"We were the eleven o'clock news

because while the rest of the world

was going to hell we made love."

 

-- Richard Brautigan

[LucreziaBorgia]

She is lucky to have such a caring and supportive husband. I'm sure her life would be that much harder without you in it. As for her body image... hmmm. People who have body image problems can lose all their weight and find that their problems didn't leave when the weight did.

 

Unfortunately, the media has shaped society in such a way that society in general has accepted a certain absurd set of standards for beauty. You see it every day, in nearly every publication, on TV, in music, even pornography plays a role in how those standards are set.

 

Basically if you aren't around a hundred pounds, have two perfectly shaped and even breasts and shave your pussy bald you already have enough strikes against you to make even the most beautiful faced woman "ugly".

 

To society body hair is ugly. Anything that isn't muscle is ugly. Anything that is assymetric (like breasts, or labia for instance) is ugly. If hair is natural (greying) its ugly. We need waxing! We need diet pills and stomach stapling! We need boob jobs and vaginoplasty! We need hair dye! We need makeup!

 

Why? Who are we really trying so hard to impress? Our men love us as we are, so why? Who are we doing this for? When are we going to take a step back, stop jumping through those hoops, and smack the hoop out of this phantom person's hand? Is it ever going to happen, or are we going to gorge ourselves on this crap for the rest of our life and spend our happiest times trying to purge it out?

 

I was flipping through an Allure magazine during lunch one day, - bored and saw an article encouraging women with thinning eyelashes to get EYELASH TRANSPLANT SURGERY. WTF?! Have we slid that far down, that women are starting to feel a need for such barbaric crap as f*cking eyelash transplants?!

 

But, I digress. I think of this stuff and it burns me. I see a woman who is loved and cared for, but society has taught her to hate herself as she is - and that burns me. I read "The Beauty Myth" and it burns me!

 

What can your wife do? Since therapy is out, there will have to be a lot of support from your side. Are there any free meetings in your area that she can attend, like OA (I'm not saying your wife is an overeater, but you get the idea - some sort of support group for women who suffer like your wife does). Do you and she do a lot of reading?

 

I tacked this area in my life by examining not myself first, but the nature of society - the history of "beauty", and stuff like that. The women's studies section in my bookstore has a wealth of information. Once you begin to see where this obsession with body perfection and beauty comes from, it is easier to start looking at exactly WHY you dislike yourself so much. You dislike yourself so much, because society has taught you to do that.

 

All your wife needs to do is stop taking those lessons, and say "screw the teacher". It won't be easy. It is a long struggle to accept yourself in a world where you feel society won't accept you.

[DOA]

You sound like a really lovely man. Your wife is so fortunate to have you as a husband. People like you rarely exist nowadays.

 

I think this may just be something you have to accept about your wife. It seems like a lifelong internal demon for her, the best you can do is just support her and constantly reassure her.

 

At least she is not going off her rocker and doing the whole plastic surgery thing. Hopefully you can help to make sure that she will never resort to these drastic measures.

[Storyrider]

(3) Psychotherapy is out of the question -- even with good health insurance, the co-pays would leave us strapped.

 

Scrimp someplace else in your budget and get her half a dozen sessions with a good therapist who specializes in body image issues. This won't solve everything, but you'd be amazed at how just having a caring, listening, neutral ear and some practical advice can help get someone back on track. A good cognitive therapist can give her real life coping strategies that will carry her forward after the last session. If she is really hurting about this and it is derailing her everyday happiness, it is worth the temporary strain on your wallet. If you are truly unable to pay, you can sometimes get therapy on a sliding scale based on your income.

[Wedded25]

She is lucky to have such a caring and supportive husband.

You sound like a really lovely man. Your wife is so fortunate to have you as a husband.

Thanks ... but luck has nothing to do with it. To paraphrase one of my favorite lines from Citizen Kane, freedom from body shame is her right, and not my gift.

 

Unfortunately, the media has shaped society in such a way that society in general has accepted a certain absurd set of standards for beauty. You see it every day, in nearly every publication, on TV, in music, even pornography plays a role in how those standards are set.

No kidding -- my lovely Mrs. has run into just about all of them. My current chamber of horrors:

 

(1) Suave's latest campaign features the slogan, "89% of moms admit they've let themselves go." I find the phrase "she's let herself go" only slightly less vile and vicious than rap lyrics! If the smug male copywriters who came up with that had to undergo one labor pain (fugeddabout actual childbirth!), one day of actual motherhood duties, one hot flash, and one menstrual/PMS cycle, they couldn't change their tunes fast enough!

 

Next ...

 

We need boob jobs and vaginoplasty!

How about "laser vaginal rejuvenation"? Cue Goldfinger music ...

(A bright red, sinister-looking laser beam approaches a strapped-down woman's nether region ...)

 

WIFE: Do you expect me to talk?

 

PLASTIC SURGEON: No, Mrs. Bond, your hubby expects you to have a proper @#$%!

And finally ...

 

I was flipping through an Allure magazine during lunch one day, - bored and saw an article encouraging women with thinning eyelashes to get EYELASH TRANSPLANT SURGERY. WTF?! Have we slid that far down, that women are starting to feel a need for such barbaric crap as f*cking eyelash transplants?!

Well, there's a snooty high-end hair salon/skin "clinique"/day spa in my town that offers EYELASH PERMS! About $50.00 per eye! Agreed -- WTF?!? (Oddly enough, it's in the same strip mall that houses my local Dairy Queen! Maybe that was deliberate ... to create a steady stream of business for cellulite treatments??? :eek: )

 

I read "The Beauty Myth" and it burns me!

Me too. And it burned me even harder that in her subsequent books, Naomi Wolf had to be fully made up and beautified and feminized for the jacket photos! Hard for an author to make her case when her publisher's shooting her in the foot that way. Grrrrrrrrr ...

 

Are there any free meetings in your area that she can attend, like OA (I'm not saying your wife is an overeater, but you get the idea - some sort of support group for women who suffer like your wife does).

That's the rub -- she's definitely not an overeater. She's a serious nutrition buff and knows how to eat not only healthy, but sane -- she doesn't wreck her metabolism by starvation diets, and she enjoys treats and snacks in moderation so she doesn't feel like she's under a "nazi dietary regime." Only trouble is that exercise is difficult for her -- but I'm not at liberty to go into the medical problems that make it so.

 

As for OA: We've observed a few of those meetings, and found them to be vapid, insipid and sexist. Life can't be reduced to 12-step catchphrases, and given our lack of traditional religious belief, the notion of bowing to a "higher power" puts us off.

 

Besides, I always found a lot of supposed "support" to be backhanded: "You'll look and feel so much sexier when the weight is off!" As though a woman has no right to enjoy feeling sexy just as she is without waiting for the scale to hit a certain number?

 

<bangs head in frustration>

 

Do you and she do a lot of reading?

 

I tacked this area in my life by examining not myself first, but the nature of society - the history of "beauty", and stuff like that. The women's studies section in my bookstore has a wealth of information. Once you begin to see where this obsession with body perfection and beauty comes from, it is easier to start looking at exactly WHY you dislike yourself so much. You dislike yourself so much, because society has taught you to do that.

 

All your wife needs to do is stop taking those lessons, and say "screw the teacher". It won't be easy. It is a long struggle to accept yourself in a world where you feel society won't accept you.

Agreed -- it won't be easy. Hence the other rub: Between both of our minds and reasoning powers (and yes, we do indeed do a lot of reading), we should have been able to shoot down this problem a long time ago. So why haven't we? Why can she still not feel her body to be delightful and sexy and worthy of honor and love? I certainly feel that way about it.

 

I think this may just be something you have to accept about your wife. It seems like a lifelong internal demon for her, the best you can do is just support her and constantly reassure her.

So I shall. I have made a very small and gentle dent ... and if it takes another 25 years to make another, I'll be there a-dentin'. I love her.

 

Many thanks for your supportive replies. (More are always welcome, of course!)

 

Wedded25

_________

 

"We were the eleven o'clock news

because while the rest of the world

was going to hell we made love."

 

-- Richard Brautigan

[dropdeadlegs]

Thank you.

 

Just last night my BF said "you are so sexy" and I replied with "no I'm not" instead of a hearty "you better know it!"

 

I have gained 15 pounds during our relationship. I am 5' 5" and 140 lbs. My logical mind tells me I am not "fat" but I feel so much fatter than I did at 125 lbs. I see 125 as my perfect weight, although I dropped to 112 at one time and knew that was too light for my frame. My bones are not small.

 

It seems that my emotional happiness has a certain "weight" involved with it. I was emotionally miserable at my thin weights and happiness resides at about 145 lbs. That was my weight at my most happy years.

 

My BF has never made one comment to lead me to assume that I was more attractive to him at my thinner weight. I honestly believe that he is still very attracted to me despite the additional pounds. It's all in my mind and it's all my problem. I need to get over it.

 

I know that if my BF gained 30 pounds that I wouldn't be any less attracted to him. My attraction involves characteristics beyond weight. Why am I so accepting of others and so critical of myself?

 

Your story is inspiring. Thank you for sharing it. I sense the love you feel for your wife and it's beautiful.

[rtHawk]

QUOTE]So I shall. I have made a very small and gentle dent ... and if it takes another 25 years to make another, I'll be there a-dentin'. I love her.[

 

 

Dear Wedded25;

I have but just a few moments to reply, but found your message, so touching and loving. Let her read your words one day and she will at least (in a different format) what her self-love means to you as well.

 

I can say that I do believe it is a life long battle, what ever the image issue is, ample, body parts, too small, too big, whatever the negative self sees.

 

I have and continue to struggle and am now 45 years old.

My ex was like you--he continually supported me and loved me for who I am--- even though I couldn't see what he did in myself--IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME TO KNOW HIS LOVE WAS TRUE TO THE PERSON I AM AND WAS.

 

when I would spiral, he tolerated and did whatever he could to support.

Our marriage ended for other reasons, some good, some not good but he is and continues to be a good man who was a good partner in many ways .

 

I appreciate having felt that type of unconditional love.

 

She "knows" your love, trust me on this one,,.... it could be that the need to find constant reassurance is simpl because she has not ever learned and may not ever fully know how to just love herself in her body and so, you are her constant--her inner voice expressing out loud what she just can't say to herself and believe it.

 

LucretiaB; your words are so uplifting and helpful!

 

I am here occasionally, but am feeling such sadness with the response I received from my present SO about a weakness in my sense of self today that I verbalized and it opened up a sore spot for me and obviously him. He, is a more emotionally unavailable man; (has his own issues ) and tho I don't fault him for things of his life that don't lend him to be a more emotionally supportive/understanding man about this kind of thing; it is hurtful no less.

 

the kindness of these words here by all of you, brought me to tears, and a sadness for what I did NOT get today from my SO.

 

so, Wedded25, keep making that dent----

it is a dent so appreciated that you yourself will not ever really be able to comprehend, but your wife does.

[Wedded25]

Just last night my BF said "you are so sexy" and I replied with "no I'm not" instead of a hearty "you better know it!"

Awwwww ... {{{huggles}}} ... you shouldn't have to suffer the internal carping voice that made you say that.

 

I have gained 15 pounds during our relationship. I am 5' 5" and 140 lbs. My logical mind tells me I am not "fat" but I feel so much fatter than I did at 125 lbs.

Ah, yes -- ain't it fun to live in a culture where thinness is marketed so aggressively that one assumes feelings to be facts? <bangs head>

 

I see 125 as my perfect weight, although I dropped to 112 at one time and knew that was too light for my frame. My bones are not small.

 

It seems that my emotional happiness has a certain "weight" involved with it. I was emotionally miserable at my thin weights and happiness resides at about 145 lbs. That was my weight at my most happy years.

So who got to decide that 125 constituted "perfect," and on what basis? Presumably 126 is therefore disaster ... <bangs head again -- is there a virtual ER for virtual skull fractures?>

 

My BF has never made one comment to lead me to assume that I was more attractive to him at my thinner weight. I honestly believe that he is still very attracted to me despite the additional pounds.

Good for him! Most guys just don't get how stressful it is to enforce thinness. Don't they know stress ain't conducive to beauty and sexiness??? 145 healthy and stress-free pounds are far sexier than 125 at the price of worry, semi-starvation, exercise obsession, endless self-scrutiny for "flaws," etc.

 

I know that if my BF gained 30 pounds that I wouldn't be any less attracted to him. My attraction involves characteristics beyond weight.

And good for you too!

 

Why am I so accepting of others and so critical of myself?

Alas, one of the great mysteries of the human condition ... and I fear I haven't an answer, as I struggle with this problem myself (not just with body image, either). Given how you and your BF feel about each other, and how you both stand on the matter, can you talk with him honestly about your battle and enlist his help?

 

Your story is inspiring. Thank you for sharing it. I sense the love you feel for your wife and it's beautiful.

And thank you, too. Call on us for support anytime. {{{more huggles}}}

[Wedded25]

Dear Wedded25;

I have but just a few moments to reply, but found your message, so touching and loving.

Thanks so much!

 

... and so, you are her constant--her inner voice expressing out loud what she just can't say to herself and believe it....

 

I am here occasionally, but am feeling such sadness with the response I received from my present SO about a weakness in my sense of self today that I verbalized and it opened up a sore spot for me and obviously him. He, is a more emotionally unavailable man; (has his own issues ) and tho I don't fault him for things of his life that don't lend him to be a more emotionally supportive/understanding man about this kind of thing; it is hurtful no less.

Awwwww ... {{{huggles}}} for you too, dearest. He expects you to be emotionally available for him, right? So where does he come off thinking he needn't extend the same to you? Having to be one's own constant all the time is quite the burden, and most unfair.