Some women don't know just how lucky they really are

[whichwayisup]

She probably knew what he was like before they were married and now she wants to change him

 

I think change is bound to happen here and there, and making sacrifices, compromising for your spouse IS to be expected.

 

I do agree you cannot change the core of someone, but people can make efforts to improve themselves and learn to compromise to make their spouse happier.

[whichwayisup]

He doesn't express his feelings,

 

So, his communication skills suck. Go about it in another way, see if he'll open up more if he wrote out his thoughts and gave them to you. A friend of mine does this with her husband, it's the only way she can understand wtf goes through his mind at times....Ask your H if he is willing to do this.

[whichwayisup]

Because if he did express his feelings you would probably jump down his throat and rip him to shreds.

 

Wog, don't assume that. It's not fair to the OP. Maybe that's what you've experienced, but MOST women do not do that to their husbands.

[Very_Confused]

I admit that I do tend to give men the benefit of the doubt more unless proven otherwise but I do that because I know how some women can be. A man can do everything and she still resents him and is angry at him. After a while a man just stops trying. She probably knew what he was like before they were married and now she wants to change him. I don't know why women get mad when men are who they always have been. This is why I told my wife before we married that I am who I am and she shouldn't expect to mold me into a different man.

 

I'm afraid I have to strongly disagree with you here Woggle when it comes to my situation. I am not trying to change him into something new, I want my original husband back. I want the man who was loving and kind instead of distant and resentful. The one who wanted to spend time with me and the children instead of shut up in his office or asleep every spare moment. The one who talked to me and listened to what I had to say, not the one who talks and still expects me to listen but refuses to reciprocate. The one who cared how I felt and wanted us to make decisions about our lives together, not the one who wants to make decisions on his own and expects me to just accept them. The one who was able to give and receive affection, intimacy and tenderness, not the one who has cut off all aspects of it from our relationship and refuses to discuss it.

 

The way he is now is not even close to how he was when we dated or during the first couple of years of our marriage. That is what has made all of this so hard and me so unwilling to just give up. I don't recognize him anymore.

[JackJack]

I can understand why some people would feel Woggle, that a person knows how their spouse was before they married them and hoped that they could change them. HOWEVER, I don't really see it like that. I mean, sure some people probably do try to change their spouse, but to me it might be more along the lines of, they know how a spouse might be before marraige, but they HOPE they will change. Not saying the other person hopes to try to change them but that (THEY,the spouse) hopes that their spouse might change some of his/hers behvaviors themselves. We can not change what we are not willing to see/hear now can we?

 

I think after time goes by and that spouse has not changed some of their behaviors, depending on what they are, then thats when the other spouse will step in and say you know what this is what I see is going on etc etc. I do think there is a right and wrong way to communicate or try to get your point across to your spouse, but just because someone is communicating to them how they feel, what they see etc, doesn't mean they are nagging them or trying to change them.

[Very_Confused]

So, his communication skills suck. Go about it in another way, see if he'll open up more if he wrote out his thoughts and gave them to you. A friend of mine does this with her husband, it's the only way she can understand wtf goes through his mind at times....Ask your H if he is willing to do this.

 

Unfortunately, I've tried that. I even asked him that in an email. His exact response was "Writing does not convey voice inflection or subtle body language and tends to be more misunderstood between us (and anyone for that matter) than talking in person."

 

So I asked him what else were we suppose to do then since he had crushed every other attempt I'd made. He said we could talk about it when he got home.

 

Before you even accuse me of it Woggle, I didn't "attack" him the minute he walked in the door. He relaxed for a while on his computer, we had dinner, he spent time with our son before bed and then I broached the subject once we were alone. He immediately got angry and stormed off to his office. I went to bed.

[whichwayisup]

Try not to let Woggle's posts upset you. He's had some awful experiences with women, including bad ones with his own mom - So he has some serious trust issues, and resentments. It's hard for him to be objective, as he seems to always put the blame on the women in relationships and the men are blameless.

 

Confused, I feel for you. Your H is selfish and is treating you so poorly! His words and his actions show you NO respect, and that makes me really angry. He's killing ANY chances of the marriage getting better. That and his ego is getting in the way.

[JustBreathe]

You know why some men behave this way? Because it isn't you that's making him unhappy. He is just unhappy by nature or because of reasons he cannot or will not share with you, and you are his merely the most convenient target upon which to vent his frustrations. He can avoid dealing with himself by making you haggard, plaintive, confused and resentful, thus making you to blame for his discontent.

 

You will never be able to do enough because it isn't what you're doing or not doing that is the problem. You aren't the problem. He needs to work out whatever it is inside him that keeps him from attaining satisfaction and contentment in his life.

 

My advice is to quit trying so hard to make him see. It gets you nowhere. Perhaps if you stop reacting to his indifference and insensitivity, concentrate on your own happiness and getting what you want out of life, pursue your own interests, focus on yourself and your career, instead of him, he will have no one to pick on and no choice but to look at himself at long last. Disengage.

 

Sounds freaky I know, but by doing so you quit letting him make you crazy, regain your own power and control over your personal life. Aren't you lonely? Well get out in the world again. Live your life. Pick one thing you have always wanted to do and DO it.

[Very_Confused]

I'm not sure if I've done something really, really stupid or if I finally did something that should have been done a long time ago.

 

I gave my husband an ultimatum last night. I told him I wanted him to go with me to see a marriage counselor. I explained to him that if he really cared about me and our marriage and family he should be willing to do whatever is necessary. Then I told him that if he didn't agree to go with me it was time for him to start looking for somewhere else to live. So those were his two choices, help me fix it or just end it.

 

He asked me when I wanted him out. He told me that nothing I said or did would make him go see a marriage counselor. He is that dead set against it. He said he couldn't believe I wanted to make him go see someone or else he'd have to move out. I told him I couldn't believe he'd rather move out than work on our marriage. So I guess he'll be looking for a house to rent. I wish he had chosen differently but I am not going to change my mind. I can't do it. He absolutely refuses to work with me in any way, the ultimatum was my last resort. So I'm done. I just don't care anymore. Or at least I'm trying not to.

[Woggle]

He might want out. Maybe he is just exhausted and feels like going to marriage counseling will just be another exercise in futility. Many MC sessions are just about blaming the man and he might not want to subject himself to that.

[Very_Confused]

He might want out. Maybe he is just exhausted and feels like going to marriage counseling will just be another exercise in futility. Many MC sessions are just about blaming the man and he might not want to subject himself to that.

 

Maybe he does want out but just doesn't want to be considered the "bad guy" for leaving again like he did last year. As far as everything else you mentioned Woggle, yeah I've heard those excuses from him. Seems defensive to me but *shrug* oh well, it doesn't really matter anymore anyway.

[Guest]

unfortunately, some people just don't (or don't want to) understand how their behavior affects others. Have been married for the last 16 years to a man who keeps promising to do things differently and never does. I've tried everything - counseling, reading, talking to friends, pastor, talking to him, trying to show him, etc.

What I've learned is that my husband's behavior (like your significant other's) has nothing to do with me. I can't change him - he has to want to. The same is true in your situation.

You deserve someone who will value your feelings and not treat you with disrespect. It's hard to teach someone that the entire world does not revolve around them and that other's feelings count, too.

If counseling isn't an option I'd say move one. I'm finally going to.

[Teddy and Jane]

My husband has ED, brought on due to medical reasons. He has medicine prescribed by his doctor but refuses to use it. His firm opinion is that IT (not the meds) doesn't work so why bother. As a result, he has completely removed all other forms of intimacy and affection from our relationship. I am suppose to be quiet and accept it.

 

I am not suppose to have feelings, much less talk about them. I am suppose to be the dutiful wife and cook, clean, take care of the kids and house, work full-time, be his sounding board, etc. I am suppose to give up a house that I worked hard for and move with him to the country to one that he will own and where I don't even want to live, leaving me with nothing if he gets tired of being married. I am suppose to give up the security and reliability of my own job because he wants to start his own business and wants me to help him.

 

This is the life he thinks I should happily and enthusiastically agree to, one devoid of affection and full of worry. Gives me alot to look forward to. He is delusional. And I am an idiot.

I don't get it. Why don't you insist on signing the deed, also? You are married to him, you deserve half the house. Anyway, in the case of a divorce, it won't matter whose name is on the deed, it's 50/50 assets in a divorce so you get half of what it's worth when the divorce goes through.

He sounds like a complete a**. Life would have to be better without him. If you had not had a clean house and went with him to buy the grill, he would have bioched about having a not clean house. Jerk. If you don't want to move to the country, can't you refuse to sell your current house, since it's in your name? If it's paid off, just stay there at that house and he can go move to his house he's buying in the country, buh-bye. But in a divorce situation, just because the house you live in is in his name, you still get 50%,

[Topper]

I don't get it. Why don't you insist on signing the deed, also? You are married to him, you deserve half the house. Anyway, in the case of a divorce, it won't matter whose name is on the deed, it's 50/50 assets in a divorce so you get half of what it's worth when the divorce goes through.

He sounds like a complete a**. Life would have to be better without him. If you had not had a clean house and went with him to buy the grill, he would have bioched about having a not clean house. Jerk. If you don't want to move to the country, can't you refuse to sell your current house, since it's in your name? If it's paid off, just stay there at that house and he can go move to his house he's buying in the country, buh-bye. But in a divorce situation, just because the house you live in is in his name, you still get 50%,

 

Not all states recognize a home as community property. In some states The Home can be seen as his or hers. It depends on whenthe home was purchased and who put up the down payment and who made the payments. Other assets like Retirement accounts might also be subject to the whim of the courts.

[Guest]

I admit that I do tend to give men the benefit of the doubt more unless proven otherwise but I do that because I know how some women can be. A man can do everything and she still resents him and is angry at him. After a while a man just stops trying. She probably knew what he was like before they were married and now she wants to change him. I don't know why women get mad when men are who they always have been. This is why I told my wife before we married that I am who I am and she shouldn't expect to mold me into a different man.

 

I don't know what kind of desperation forced your wife to marry you, but I feel sorry for her!

 

I know you have your own problems, like we all have, but you are not able to love any women at the moment. You don't love your wife - you love the fact that she lets you do your own thing - which in most cases means that she doesn't care about you (the same way you don't care about her).

 

Hopefully with time, your wounds will heal and you'll be able to love again.