IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 I just read something on another thread that brings up a question I have wondered about. I cannot for the life of me understand how a BS could become a OW? Can anyone who has been in this situation help me out. I have a friend who has a friend that I am aquainted with who has had an A with someone whose wife she knew. I was completely surprised! Another friend told me that BS's very often become OW. I just don't see it, seems like they would be the last ones to do this. Can someone help me understand the psychology behind this? Link to post Share on other sites
Lukkyu Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 I have never been to OM myself, but I would suspect that it has something to do with vengeance. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinxx Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 I have never been to OM myself, but I would suspect that it has something to do with vengeance. No, as a former BS and now XOW it had nothing to do with vengeance. Maybe different for others though. I was a BS back in the 90's. I went through and felt every emotion a BS feels so I know first hand what the BS feels. My ex-husband left me for the OW and they are now married. We have two children who have turned out just fine. I could go on and on about this but won't. I've been over it for years and it was not the cause of me enterting into an affair with XMM. I have been remarried for almost ten years (now separated). Not perfect but we made it work (blended family, both custodial) which is a recipe for disaster if you are not on the same page. Every OW/OM situation is different. Right now I'm trying to put it all behind me and move forward. But in my case -- nothing to do with vengeance. Link to post Share on other sites
Kwo-ne'-she Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 I've never been a BS, and was only an unwilling OW for not even a year. So, this is all speculation on my part. After someone has been the BS, I'm sure it completely changes their view on a lot of things. While it seems they would make sure to never do that to anyone else...sometimes it may have the opposite effect. Not so much out of misplaced revenge though. Possibly, when their M is destroyed by an A, it causes them to think that there is no such thing as off-limits. After all, their own spouse wasn't....someone they loved & trusted. Maybe they stop believing in the idea of marriage & monogomy. Seems like "everyone" is doing it. (cheating/divorcing) Possibly they justify becoming an OW, by telling themselves that if the MM was happy in the M, he wouldn't be with them. I don't know. Interesting thread topic though. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 I just read something on another thread that brings up a question I have wondered about. I cannot for the life of me understand how a BS could become a OW? I saw one this morning that made me wonder about that too. Bet it was the same one... but let's not name names. I totally don't get why one person would do that to another knowing what it feels like. Maybe it's some sort of survivor mechanism that kicks in a few years later? ie. "F*ck her... I survived it. So can she." Your best guess is as good as mine. But I'll be reading along in case you get any answers. I'm as curious as you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Lukkyu Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 No, as a former BS and now XOW it had nothing to do with vengeance. Maybe different for others though. I was a BS back in the 90's. I went through and felt every emotion a BS feels so I know first hand what the BS feels. My ex-husband left me for the OW and they are now married. We have two children who have turned out just fine. I could go on and on about this but won't. I've been over it for years and it was not the cause of me enterting into an affair with XMM. I have been remarried for almost ten years (now separated). Not perfect but we made it work (blended family, both custodial) which is a recipe for disaster if you are not on the same page. Every OW/OM situation is different. Right now I'm trying to put it all behind me and move forward. But in my case -- nothing to do with vengeance. Ok, fair enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 I just left a thread in the Cheating/Jealousy forum and there was post there about a BS who cheated with another man because her husband wouldn't break it off and did not want to leave him. I do not know if this om is a mm as well, but it seems that it would "make sense" because you wouldn't have to worry about things getting too complicated:laugh: . It's obvious that she doesn't want to leave, but felt she needed to do something besides twiddling her thumbs while he was out. BTW, don't shoot the messenger... Link to post Share on other sites
smartgirl Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 My guess only since I am BS and not OW. Your ego and sense of self worth are immensely damaged by the betrayal of the A. You feel ugly, old and generally down on yourself whereas before you maybe felt pretty good. I don't say a BS would enter into an A on purpose, ie for vengence, but might be more susceptible to it because she needs the validation of feeling desirable and wanted again. Especially by someone other than H to assure herself she still has options. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 I've never been a BS, and was only an unwilling OW for not even a year. So, this is all speculation on my part. After someone has been the BS, I'm sure it completely changes their view on a lot of things. While it seems they would make sure to never do that to anyone else...sometimes it may have the opposite effect. Not so much out of misplaced revenge though. Possibly, when their M is destroyed by an A, it causes them to think that there is no such thing as off-limits. After all, their own spouse wasn't....someone they loved & trusted. Maybe they stop believing in the idea of marriage & monogomy. Seems like "everyone" is doing it. (cheating/divorcing) Possibly they justify becoming an OW, by telling themselves that if the MM was happy in the M, he wouldn't be with them. I don't know. Interesting thread topic though. Different people, different reasoning. Some revenge cheat and others go through the above mental shift or some just get fooled by a man who pursues. I'm a BW but neither would be of interest to me whatsoever. Maybe it's because I get completely turned off by the thought that the MM is getting his kicks out of doing two women. Ick...take that used pecker somewhere else... Link to post Share on other sites
woe_is_me Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 My story is there.... throughout most of my posts. And IF i'd had a computer in 1997 then maybe i would've come online looking for answers because i sure remember how i felt at the time.. Lady Jane (i don't mind naming names) i know you've posted 3500 times since 2004 but i seriously doubt you're looking for 'insight' I saw an old post from a MM which obviously compelled a few others in the same situation to respond.. until you caught sight of the thread - you tore them all to verbal shreds... How do you expect us to get any answers? Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 I never could understand it either. I was an OW years b4 I became a BW. I know when I was the OW I only cared about myself but I was young. I didn't know his GF so it was like she never existed. I figured if he was sleeping w/ me and other woman, he must not really have loved his live in GF. There at the end I was feeling kind of bad for her but that was only after I met her when she started working at my favorite clothing store. Reality hit that she was real. I backed off a little but I should of backed of completely. Now, I would NEVER, EVER get involved w/ a MM, or a man in a CR. I don't look too highly on men who would cheat on their partners. I couldn't be attracted to someone like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 24, 2007 Author Share Posted April 24, 2007 Woe is me, Just explain the psychology of it to me. It just seems that anyone who had been hurt by it wouldn't go there for their own good if noone elses. Off topic: Let me say that I for one enjoy LJ's posts and have been tremendously helped by some of them, I have some saved from almost a year before I ever registered or posted. Been lurking a long time! So you never know, I guess, when you or someone else will be helped by a post that another person might detest. Infact, today I was saying to another poster that X just gets my blood boiling, she said, if it isn't helpful just block. It is an open forum and we all are all free to post as many times as we are so inclined. Link to post Share on other sites
woe_is_me Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 Woe is me, Just explain the psychology of it to me. It just seems that anyone who had been hurt by it wouldn't go there for their own good if noone elses. Off topic: Let me say that I for one enjoy LJ's posts and have been tremendously helped by some of them, I have some saved from almost a year before I ever registered or posted. Been lurking a long time! So you never know, I guess, when you or someone else will be helped by a post that another person might detest. Infact, today I was saying to another poster that X just gets my blood boiling, she said, if it isn't helpful just block. It is an open forum and we all are all free to post as many times as we are so inclined. [sIZE=2]It's explained to the best of my ability, regarding my situation only, in all of my previous posts.. . You'd really have to ask the MM the rest of the psychology behind it all...it was him after all who relentlessy pursued me.. i couldn't chase him could i..? It was him who relentlessy called me... i couldn't call him.. could i? It was him who made all the surprise visits...i couldn't visit him.. could i? I tried to end it a few times, but sometimes i used to forget he was even married at all..he carried on as if she didn't exist.. I didn't know his wife, and i do understand where you're coming from - i've been rejecting my older male bosses advances for years..! All this however is written in my other posts .. i'm sorry that you haven't bothered to read. Maybe the fact that i dont know her or have never seen her really didn't help my cause. My exH and i are very good friends ..we separated and allowed our friendship to re-develop.. he is sorry that he had the ONS.. all this is explained in other posts also.. I don't know that there is a link between being a BS and an OW. Kwo-ne'-she has a point when she says that there's a feeling that theres 'no such thing as off limits' *shrugs* [/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 24, 2007 Author Share Posted April 24, 2007 I have read your posts as they have occured in other threads. Unfortunately they all run together in my mind, infact, I'm notorious for responding to the wrong person. If I'm right your husband married his OW. I understand that MM are the aggressors. I suppose that they are as relentless as the solicitors that call my home daily, but I don't buy. I just really thought maybe someone could shed some light on how they could do something that they were hurt by. Kind of like the thread on do abused children become abusers, different psychology I'm sure. The woman that I am aquainted with that was cheated on, seems like the type that wouldn't hurt a fly. Very sensitive person. I don't even know her last name and I've seen her cry serveral times. I have my own ideas about why she did it but I just can't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
woe_is_me Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 I have read your posts as they have occured in other threads. Unfortunately they all run together in my mind, infact, I'm notorious for responding to the wrong person. If I'm right your husband married his OW. I understand that MM are the aggressors. I suppose that they are as relentless as the solicitors that call my home daily, but I don't buy. I just really thought maybe someone could shed some light on how they could do something that they were hurt by. Kind of like the thread on do abused children become abusers, different psychology I'm sure. The woman that I am aquainted with that was cheated on, seems like the type that wouldn't hurt a fly. Very sensitive person. I don't even know her last name and I've seen her cry serveral times. I have my own ideas about why she did it but I just can't understand. I just said in my previous post that my xH had a ONS.. He didn't have an OW to go and marry... And about your acquaintance.. sorry i'm not following. The light you want shed on these situations really needs to come from a cheating husband himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 24, 2007 Author Share Posted April 24, 2007 I just said in my previous post that my xH had a ONS.. He didn't have an OW to go and marry... Well, there you go, I can't seem to keep the new ones straight. Why a woman who was betrayed would become and ow needs to come from and man???? I'm not sure I understand how a cheating husband would have the answer to this. I'm not concerned with why men cheat. That wasn't the question at all. Link to post Share on other sites
woe_is_me Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 Well, there you go, I can't seem to keep the new ones straight. Why a woman who was betrayed would become and ow needs to come from and man???? I'm not sure I understand how a cheating husband would have the answer to this. I'm not concerned with why men cheat. That wasn't the question at all. Your join date is Nov2006 .. i wouldn't exactly call u ancient.. memory like a sieve maybe... And after i managed to de-cipher "why a woman who was betrayed would become and ow needs to come from and man???" (i deserve a gold star for that)...The answer is simple - because without cheating married men there would be no OW would there now! Link to post Share on other sites
rdnkgrl31 Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 I know I am about to get bashed here, but this is what happened w/ me. I am a BS and I had one other SR, where both cheated on me. It did not feel good at all, I never blamed the OW, but at the same time, I had known that both of the R's were over. We were just prolonging it. My mindset when I got into this A, was that I didn't want to get into another SR w/ the same outcome, this way, I in essence had my cake too. I was able to do what I wanted w/ none of the bullsh** that followed, I had my freedom and it was just me and my boys. No man who would try to push into that ring. Selfish yes! I wanted a R, but w/out all of the strings, if that makes any sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 24, 2007 Author Share Posted April 24, 2007 I thought I started a thread that wouldn't be about bashing! Thanks for your honest reply. So your R is no strings, that way you couldn't be hurt like before or controlled. Is it an EA as well as a PA? Or just PA? Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 Off topic: Let me say that I for one enjoy LJ's posts and have been tremendously helped by some of them, LJ is one of the most kindest (and harsh at times too, but respectfully) posters who really care, and she takes the time to reply and help many people. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 There was a poster a while back, maybe last year??? Geez, time flies - Anyway, she was an OW while single and then later met someone (not MM) and then was a BS. FULL of regret and wished that she never experienced the pain, and truely realized then what pain she helped inflict on the MM's wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 24, 2007 Author Share Posted April 24, 2007 The answer is simple - because without cheating married men there would be no OW would there now! I can only assume that works both ways! And a gold star to you for deciphering my post! Link to post Share on other sites
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 24, 2007 Author Share Posted April 24, 2007 WWIU, so she was an OW first. Link to post Share on other sites
rdnkgrl31 Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 IWWH, it has been both an EA and a PA. Well that was my intent at first was to not get hurt. It seemed safer, I guess one would say. I have different feelings about this R, b/c he made no false promises EVER! I didn't expect him to leave his W. At first I was in control of the situation, but then I fell in love w/ him, and now it seems that control is tilted. I still have it, but w/ my emotions all wrapped up. At least w/ this one, I do not hate him nor am I angry at him. The thing is w/ this one, I could be myself 100%, b/c I didn't care if he liked me or not. He did, for his own reasons I am sure. I won't lie, I wish it would've just stayed a PA, b/c once the EA started that's where all the feelings came in. I have learned alot from this though. Every person has their own reasons for doing the things they do. No one is the same! I am hurting on the inside, but not b/c of lies he has told me, but b/c of the situation that I allowed myself to get into, and the stupidity of falling in love w/ someone who belongs to someone else. While I do not feel that I am totally at fault, I did contribute to it. I will NEVER become involved w/ another MM again. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 WWIU, so she was an OW first. Yes. I will NEVER become involved w/ another MM again. I'm glad. I know you've had it rough, just know that now things WILL get better - And soon you'll feel happy again, free. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts