BS's who became OW...

[rdnkgrl31]

I am so ready to have the feeling that I had before I met him. No thoughts of him first thing or last thing in the day. I know it's rough right now, but I know it will get better. I keep telling myself, I got through the last 2 BR, I can sure get through this one. It takes time, which I am so tired of giving, especially to him and those memories!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Google Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - There are some helpful ways in re-training your brain to get out of the habit of thinking about him, especially if he is/was in your thoughts going to bed and waking up in the AM. (AM meaning morning, not alphamale!)

[rdnkgrl31]

Thanks I will definetly try thatf!!! This will be interesting to see if it works!!

[whichwayisup]

This will be interesting to see if it works!!

 

For starters, replace IF with WHEN.

 

You CAN do this and you WILL do this. You just gotta take baby steps.

 

CBT is what type of therapy I've been doing for my anxiety disorder. I am walking proof that it CAN work. Trust me on that one.

[Ripples]

My guess only since I am BS and not OW. Your ego and sense of self worth are immensely damaged by the betrayal of the A. You feel ugly, old and generally down on yourself whereas before you maybe felt pretty good.

 

I don't say a BS would enter into an A on purpose, ie for vengence, but might be more susceptible to it because she needs the validation of feeling desirable and wanted again. Especially by someone other than H to assure herself she still has options.

 

I thought the same as this and still do, depending on the woman.

 

In my own situation, I now look at women differently, being a BS. I don't trust women like I did before discovering my SO's affairs, I don't like them as easily as I once did either. Maybe that would make it easier for me to f*ck another woman's husband, I certainly don't feel any loyality towards the 'sisterhood' anymore.

[Ladyjane14]

(Thanks for the kind words, IWWH and WWIU. )

 

 

You know, this is a good topic. I really do think there's some insight to be gained here, something to be learned.

 

Quite frankly, I find myself lacking in quite a bit of my earlier sympathy toward the OM/OW these days. When I first started reading here, my tendency was to empathize less with the WS and more with the BS or OM/OW. I feel like if I could wrap my mind around this particular question though... I'd be able to find some kind of empathy for the behavior.

 

As it is... I oftentimes find greater sympathy for the WS who maintains an honest desire to get his/her life in order. Afterall, a WS is a guy (or gal) with a problem. They've got a beef. They've got some confusion going on.

 

The "other person" can't say the same. The chief and abiding excuse seems to be 'love'... but this isn't the kind of mature love I'm familiar with. This seems more the kind of "love" that teenagers experience, with all the requisite angst and drama.

 

It just seems so goofy to me. Particularly when you're dealing with otherwise mature people who already KNOW first-hand the devastation that's bound to follow the affair. There must be some sort of reason for that, besides the emotional drivel we usually hear. Because if there's not... I have to assume that we're dealing with folks who have the perpetual EQ (emotional quotient) of youngsters. And I can't identify with that at all.

[Salicious Crumb]

I've never been a BS, and was only an unwilling OW for not even a year. So, this is all speculation on my part.

 

After someone has been the BS, I'm sure it completely changes their view on a lot of things. While it seems they would make sure to never do that to anyone else...sometimes it may have the opposite effect.

 

Not me. Even if I get divorced, I will never do this to someone else. I would never bring that much pain to someone elses life.

Especially since I love kids and am struggling to figure out what is right for my own kids. I would never put a family throught that.

Some people would say, "how do you know?...you don't know that you wouldn't become an OM".

 

Yes...I KNOW and it will NEVER happen.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I thought the same as this and still do, depending on the woman.

 

In my own situation, I now look at women differently, being a BS. I don't trust women like I did before discovering my SO's affairs, I don't like them as easily as I once did either. Maybe that would make it easier for me to f*ck another woman's husband, I certainly don't feel any loyality towards the 'sisterhood' anymore.

 

 

Ripples,

 

I am sorry to hear that. I LOVE my girlfriends. I love how being around them makes me forget the "ugly things". I love how we can talk for hours about nothing or give each other tender support or tough love. I love how we can make fun of each others faults without hurting each other feelings. I wouldn't trade them for all of the tea in china (which by the way I have come to learn is worth about 1.5 billion dollars!) I do however choose them VERY carefully.

 

But yes, as a rule women have no code. Its too bad. I think I've hijacked my own thread!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

SC,

 

I agree! I can say I would never, never do that! And since I am in controll of me and my actions then I can know that for sure!

[herenow]

I haven't read the other responses to this thread since I haven't been here in a few days. I can say that for me with no doubt, I will NEVER be the OW and it has nothing to do with being a BW.

 

I can also say as a matter of fact, I don't have what it takes to be the OW. I think you need to be a person that is capable of being in that kind of relationship in order to actually do it. I know that I'm not and never have been a person that could be a part of such deceit.

 

When I was single and even now as a married person, MM that approach me in that way disgust me. There are many things in life, both good and bad, that some of us can do and some can't. Put me in the can't category on this one.

 

Now, I'm sure some of you will say that I must be disgusted by my own H since he had an affair. The answer to that is yes, I am disgusted by his affair and disgusted in him for having one. That is why I began divorce proceedings the very next day. When he begged to come back, we decided to give our marriage another chance and so far we have both been able to make positive changes and make our marriage stronger. That doesn't take away the fact that I find his behavior disgusting as much as I do any MM or MW that have affairs. BTW, he is disgusted in himself for having the affair as well.

 

Some people say, "It just happened, I would never be an OW if he wasn't so fabulous, I couldn't help myself". Just like I will never wake up in the morning and be able to sing like Celine Dion, it will never "just happen". You have to be capable of being an OW to be one and some people are just not capable.

[woe_is_me]

My guess only since I am BS and not OW. Your ego and sense of self worth are immensely damaged by the betrayal of the A. You feel ugly, old and generally down on yourself whereas before you maybe felt pretty good.

 

I don't say a BS would enter into an A on purpose, ie for vengence, but might be more susceptible to it because she needs the validation of feeling desirable and wanted again. Especially by someone other than H to assure herself she still has options.

 

Not in my case SG.. i felt ugly, old and generally down on myself when i was with me exH..and was feeling pretty good around the time i met MM.. maybe that's what attracted MM to me.. my independence..lack of time and availablility..

 

I didn't need to feel desirable and wanted.. i was too busy and i knew my exH still loved me then and still does now. He was a silly boy for cheating!

Even a one night stand!

 

I would've loved MM whether he was married or not.

It just wasn't our time.

[Virgo1982]

LJ is one of the most kindest (and harsh at times too, but respectfully) posters who really care, and she takes the time to reply and help many people.

 

I was going to mention that, but I thought it might be too late. I haven't been here long at all, but she's one of the most objective posters on LS.

 

In addition, I thought the questions were worded in "prosecutor-fashion" before I had a chance to scroll down.

 

Sorry, just my opinion.

[silktricks]

When I was in my twenties, I was a BS - to a serial cheater. When we got divorced, I dated an assortment of men. One of those men was married. As I only went out with him twice and certainly never was in love with him that may not qualify me as a former OW in most OW's minds. However, my guilt over it was pretty extreme, so in my mind I was/am a former OW. However, rather than increasing my feelings of compassion towards people who have affairs, it decreased it markedly. Since that time I have had very little tolerance towards people who remain in (or worse yet actively pursue) relationships with married people.

 

The only thing that I can say about the possibility of BS who then become OW is that they may be looking for validation of their attraction. The rejection that a BS feels can be pretty intense. For myself, I know that I wanted to feel wanted again - and I wasn't as particular as I knew that I should be in order to have that wanted feeling. (i got smarter pretty quick, though)

[hurting_in_nw]

I never would have been an OM before I was cheated on, and I never will now that I have been. See, I took the time in my younger life to be alone and get to know exactly who I am and what I stand for and believe in. The thing I see most in these forums are people who just have no idea who the hell they are or what they want out of life. This type of behavior is just a symptom of that.

[Trialbyfire]

You say, love is a temple, love the higher law...

You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl

And I can't be holding on to what you've got

When all you've got is hurt...

 

Awesome stanza from One. That song runs through my mind all the time. If you like U2, try this one:

 

http://www.macphisto.net/u2lyrics/So_Cruel.html

 

Sorry for the highjack OP.

[Kwo-ne'-she]

Not me. Even if I get divorced, I will never do this to someone else. I would never bring that much pain to someone elses life.

Especially since I love kids and am struggling to figure out what is right for my own kids. I would never put a family throught that.

Some people would say, "how do you know?...you don't know that you wouldn't become an OM".

 

Yes...I KNOW and it will NEVER happen.

 

Where WERE you when I was ready to get married?? LOL

[Reckless]

Just like I will never wake up in the morning and be able to sing like Celine Dion, it will never "just happen". You have to be capable of being an OW to be one and some people are just not capable.

 

This is an interesting comment for me because I have been reading and wondering myself .."is there a type of person that has affairs?"

 

-Do you have to have something 'broken' something loose inside?

-Is it just a lack of moral guidance?

-Insecurity?

-Overly romantic view of love? Unrealisitc views of relationships?

-Its so common nowadays, is there something in the water?

 

I read many posts and try and put myself in a situation but I find it hard, I find the idea of cheating physically repugnant. I wouldn't bother lying and cheating if I really had no love for my partner and loved another - I would put down the sandwich before I picked up the beigle.

 

If a married man approaches me his character immediately falls 10 notches, his charming smile seems immediately smarmy. I feel insulted he thinks I would have so little value for myself and my relationship. Its hard to kiss someone when they make you sick.

 

I think your friends reflect your values; I have no friends that have such character flaws so none of my friendships have "drifted" into affairs. I am too direct and forceful for male aquaintences to doubt I would kick them firmly to the curb should they make a move knowing I am in a LTR.

 

So is there a "type" of person that cannot have affairs? All those that have say no, it can happen to anyone... I'm not so sure...

[NoIDidn't]

If a married man approaches me his character immediately falls 10 notches, his charming smile seems immediately smarmy. I feel insulted he thinks I would have so little value for myself and my relationship. Its hard to kiss someone when they make you sick.

 

That's how I feel right there.

 

I would NOT mess with a MM. The thought just disgusts me. But then again, I grew up around the casualties of affairs. I know better. So I do better.

[Guest]

That's how I feel right there.

 

I would NOT mess with a MM.

 

aah but an mm might mess with you

 

my mm grew up around the casualty of affairs his mother had an affair, subsequently divorcing and marrying the a.p when mm was a teenager.

his father remarried eventually and both parents are still happy in theire second marriages but he seems to feel or think his mother regrets the a.

 

my parents are still married and i would never cheat on my h if i had one, yet i wound up an o/w

 

why didnt his mothers affair dissuade him from embarking on one of his very own?

[Jinxx]

So is there a "type" of person that cannot have affairs? All those that have say no, it can happen to anyone... I'm not so sure...

 

There was a time I was that "type" of person -- not capable of having an affair. Never thought I would and I did. It can and does happen. For me, it had nothing to do with being weak or selfish or lack of self esteem.

[herenow]

There was a time I was that "type" of person -- not capable of having an affair. Never thought I would and I did. It can and does happen. For me, it had nothing to do with being weak or selfish or lack of self esteem.

 

I still say that you have to be capable of being in that type of relationship in order for it to happen.

 

I can understand if the MM lies about being married. The OW doesn't know what she has gotten involved in and is not willingly part of the deceit. But as soon as the truth is out, some people find that kind of behavior very unattractive (myself included) and are unable to continue no matter how charming and wonderful the MM acts. Those are the ones that would never willingly become involved with a married person.

 

And some people are just instantly turned off by a married person hitting on them. I guess I'm saying there is a "type" of person that will never have an affair. The type that is not capable of that behavior. And the ones that do get involved in EMA's...

[Trialbyfire]

I still say that you have to be capable of being in that type of relationship in order for it to happen.

 

I can understand if the MM lies about being married. The OW doesn't know what she has gotten involved in and is not willingly part of the deceit. But as soon as the truth is out, some people find that kind of behavior very unattractive (myself included) and are unable to continue no matter how charming and wonderful the MM acts. Those are the ones that would never willingly become involved with a married person.

 

And some people are just instantly turned off by a married person hitting on them. I guess I'm saying there is a "type" of person that will never have an affair. The type that is not capable of that behavior. And the ones that do get involved in EMA's...

 

Exactly. It's a latency that doesn't come out until temptation comes knocking. Sometimes this latency is caused by a skewed sense of justification based on past experiences. When you're a betrayed wife or husband, the strength of raw emotion, from emotional abuse, to hate, to debilitating anger, can do strange things to your soul.

 

Every person sits on a foundation of principles. It's up to you to allow someone to push you off this foundation or not. You are responsible for your actions.

[herenow]

Exactly. It's a latency that doesn't come out until temptation comes knocking. Sometimes this latency is caused by a skewed sense of justification based on past experiences. When you're a betrayed wife or husband, the strength of raw emotion, from emotional abuse, to hate, to debilitating anger, can do strange things to your soul.

 

Every person sits on a foundation of principles. It's up to you to allow someone to push you off this foundation or not. You are responsible for your actions.

 

Right! When people say, never say never it can happen to anyone. I strongly disagree. Just like I will never jump off a bridge, or buy any swamp land, or, like I said sing like Celine Dion, I will never have an affair because I'm just not capable of it.

 

For the OW that say it just happened, you can't help who you love. Well take a look at who they fall in love with. MM who have perfected the art of lying to get what they want. MM who make promises and break them. Some who blame their unknowing wives. These OW know this about the MM and still fall in love and say it just happened. What type of person falls in love with a MM knowing that he is proven liar? One that is capable of that behavior.

[woe_is_me]

What type of person falls in love with a MM knowing that he is proven liar? One that is capable of that behavior.

 

 

I only hope for your sake HN you never have to ask yourself the same question.

 

And an OW could also ask what type of person sleeps in the same bed as a proven liar night after night?

 

The OW isn't the one being lied to. The W is.

[hurting_in_nw]

The OW isn't the one being lied to. The W is.

 

Sounds like wishful thinking to me.