woe_is_me Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Sounds like wishful thinking to me. I wasn't really referring to my situation in particular.. and my only wish is that he didn't call me after 4 yrs of NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 SC, I agree! I can say I would never, never do that! And since I am in controll of me and my actions then I can know that for sure! Yup...and I agree with the quote from "To Sir, With Love" "Marriage is not for the weak, the selfish, or the insecure"....people who cheat on their spouse and those who intrude on other marriages are just that. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Where WERE you when I was ready to get married?? LOL Probably being deceived by my current wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 So is there a "type" of person that cannot have affairs? All those that have say no, it can happen to anyone... I'm not so sure... No it can't happen to anyone. I have never cheated, never will. Those that say it can happen to anyone say it because they have either cheated, or would consider it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 25, 2007 Author Share Posted April 25, 2007 OK, but the question is, why would someone who knows the pain of betrayal, cheat. For me also, and maybe its because of insight I've gained through this board, the lack of respect for someone who chooses to manipulate their partner to have things both ways. If the BS has an understanding that men who cheat prove that they have major character flaws and feelings of entitlement, why would they choose the position of OW? I'm truly not questioning it from a moral stand point, just wondering what leads someone thinks that the outcome would be different this time for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Jinxx Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 No it can't happen to anyone. I have never cheated, never will. Those that say it can happen to anyone say it because they have either cheated, or would consider it. Not everyone considers to cheat. I never thought nor considered I would cheat and I spouted off at the mouth the way you do years ago when I was a BS saying the same things you do. Only I wasn't as bitter or negative as you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Not everyone considers to cheat. I never thought nor considered I would cheat and I spouted off at the mouth the way you do years ago when I was a BS saying the same things you do. Only I wasn't as bitter or negative as you are. Uh...ok....still doesn't change the fact that I will never be a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Not everyone considers to cheat. I never thought nor considered I would cheat and I spouted off at the mouth the way you do years ago when I was a BS saying the same things you do... So Jinxx - I'm interested.. what EXACTLY brought about your change in attitude to illicit affairs? What lead to the idea (and actions) becoming acceptable? (I'm not aking for personal details or anything - just what was the 'rationale' behind the change..?) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 The OW isn't the one being lied to. The W is. Yes, the wife is being betrayed and lied to, but don't you fool yourself into thinking that the MM doesn't lie to his OW. Maybe his lies aren't the same type of lies he tells his wife, but to say the OW isn't being lied to is just crazy! Link to post Share on other sites
Jinxx Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 So Jinxx - I'm interested.. what EXACTLY brought about your change in attitude to illicit affairs? What lead to the idea (and actions) becoming acceptable? (I'm not aking for personal details or anything - just what was the 'rationale' behind the change..?) First off -- I never implied it was acceptable. XMM and I were friends for quite awhile. Both of us married. Unless you are in a situation like mine it is hard to explain, very complicated. We developed a strong physical and emotional attraction that we acted on and continued acting on for a year. Yes, stupid I know but it happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 25, 2007 Author Share Posted April 25, 2007 Quote: The OW isn't the one being lied to. The W is. Yes, the wife is being betrayed and lied to, but don't you fool yourself into thinking that the MM doesn't lie to his OW. Maybe his lies aren't the same type of lies he tells his wife, but to say the OW isn't being lied to is just crazy! Ofcourse the wife is being lied to! Good grief what could he possibly say to her. Honey, I'm sleeping with this other woman because a) I don't want to divorce you and loose half of everthing I own. b) I love you but it is exciting to get some on the side. c) this marriage thing is so boring, I just wanted to add some excitement, but please don't think that I am ok with y ou doing the same. And she says what? OH, it's ok honey as long as you tell me that I am the one that you love! He is lying because he if he told her the truth she'ld be gone in a heart beat. The other woman however IS fine with being one of two women... as long as he tells her that she is the one that he loves. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 People who say I would NEVER cheat or would NEVER be an OW/OM or my partner would NEVER cheat, are those people who feel they can't attract another human being or that their partners cannot. Everyone has a 1% chance that they could do either, provided they feel they can attract another human being, it's not a matter of weakness of character, it's a matter of human nature. We are destructive by nature. Link to post Share on other sites
Kwo-ne'-she Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 The other woman however IS fine with being one of two women... as long as he tells her that she is the one that he loves. Not true in all cases. It was his lies that got me into a situation I never thought I would be in (being an OW). And I was never, at any point, "fine" with being an OW. When I found out the facts, it ripped my guts out. And yes, he was telling me that I was the one he loved, etc. Still wasn't "fine" with it. I went through 3 months of complete hell, trying to let go, because I most certainly was not "fine" with it. All OW can not be lumped into one group. We all got involved under different circumstances, and each case is unique in it's own way. While there are some women who like the thrill of chasing after married men, and really are heartless.....there are others, like myself, who were deceived in the beginning, and truly did/do love these men. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 People who say I would NEVER cheat or would NEVER be an OW/OM or my partner would NEVER cheat, are those people who feel they can't attract another human being or that their partners cannot. Everyone has a 1% chance that they could do either, provided they feel they can attract another human being, it's not a matter of weakness of character, it's a matter of human nature. We are destructive by nature. Some people are destructive, others not. I used to work with literally thousands of charming, wealthy and relatively good-looking men. Most were in some form of "committed" relationships. Many of these guys had a piece on the side or were looking for one. I was never once seriously tempted although I've had some attraction to a few. When the attraction started, I shut it down hard. My definition of "commitment" meant more to me than hooking up with someone else. Each to their own... Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Some people are destructive, others not. I used to work with literally thousands of charming, wealthy and relatively good-looking men. Most were in some form of "committed" relationships. Many of these guys had a piece on the side or were looking for one. I was never once seriously tempted although I've had some attraction to a few. When the attraction started, I shut it down hard. My definition of "commitment" meant more to me than hooking up with someone else. Each to their own... I agree some people are more destructive than others. But you bring up an interesting point about "feeling attraction to a few" because I am curious to know if the die hard BS who claim that they would NEVER EVER do what was done to them ever think about being with someone else as sort of "pay back" for what was done to them? The reason I ask that is because, just like some people are more destructive than others, and just like some pepole are easily enclined to cheat, some people would "never" cheat but given the right circumstance they may change their mind and surprise themselves. I know that one can feel like they are in full control of their being, that they would never do something but life's circumstances change and sometimes people feel lonely and unattractive and their spouse doesn't pay attention to them and no matter how hard they have tried to rectify this at home, the partner still chooses to pull away and make them feel unloved. So there you are at work with this person who pays a lot of attention to you, who makes you feel special, who makes you feel like you can do no wrong. being in the vulnerable state that you are, who knows, you could end up in an EA and not even want it to happen. The point being that perhaps in the past when you felt this attraction, things were not that bad at home, sure you found a new man attractive but your H was not negelcting you nor were you vulnerable and maybe that's why you were able to stop yourself? Aside from the obvious of knowing your right from wrong By the way I like the honesty in your posts Trial. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 People who say I would NEVER cheat or would NEVER be an OW/OM or my partner would NEVER cheat, are those people who feel they can't attract another human being or that their partners cannot. Everyone has a 1% chance that they could do either, provided they feel they can attract another human being, it's not a matter of weakness of character, it's a matter of human nature. We are destructive by nature. :lmao: OMG Tomcat, you are a funny one today. So, people who don't cheat feel that they can't attract another person. They why is it that some people who are hit on all the time by MM never cheat no matter how attractive they find the MM to be? They know they can attract the MM because the opportunity is right there, but for some reason, they never do it. Could it be that the reason is they are not, as you say, destructive? Is it possible that some people do have a boundary that they will never cross because it's not in their nature? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 I agree some people are more destructive than others. But you bring up an interesting point about "feeling attraction to a few" because I am curious to know if the die hard BS who claim that they would NEVER EVER do what was done to them ever think about being with someone else as sort of "pay back" for what was done to them? Payback to who? How would becoming an OW be payback? There is no way I would inflict the kind of pain having an affair has on anyone including myself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 the partner still chooses to pull away and make them feel unloved. So there you are at work with this person who pays a lot of attention to you, who makes you feel special, who makes you feel like you can do no wrong. being in the vulnerable state that you are, who knows, you could end up in an EA and not even want it to happen. It's still a choice to cheat. Just like the person pulling away CHOSE to pull away. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 But you bring up an interesting point about "feeling attraction to a few" because I am curious to know if the die hard BS who claim that they would NEVER EVER do what was done to them ever think about being with someone else as sort of "pay back" for what was done to them? Some might, I won't. I've already done what I needed to do. While I still have anger towards my ex, it won't be handled in this way. The focus of my anger is at the perp and myself, no other. As for feeling unattractive, there's no doubt that I had issues right after D-day but it didn't take long to reinstate my confidence without it being at the expense of innocent parties. Thanks. I've always been direct. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Some might, I won't. I've already done what I needed to do. While I still have anger towards my ex, it won't be handled in this way. The focus of my anger is at the perp and myself, no other. As for feeling unattractive, there's no doubt that I had issues right after D-day but it didn't take long to reinstate my confidence without it being at the expense of innocent parties. Thanks. I've always been direct. I understand that you are 100% in control of your decision and your decision is to not make a right with two wrongs. understood! However what if your H was not trying, what if you took him back and he was not putting the effort needed to make you feel like you are # 1 again, could you not see how it might be tempting to feel an attraction towards someone that is willing to notice you and make you feel good, especially given the anger you already feel for what he did to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 :lmao: OMG Tomcat, you are a funny one today. So, how do I get over being addicted to him? I think about him constantly even though I know he is a turd! I need a switch off button in my brain. It was all left very nice so it would not surprise me if in a few weeks he suddenly comes back (ie not gone in first place) and wants to see me. The thing is I want to get the strength/knowledge to forget about him. You know Herenow, you have a real knack for taking things people write in particular my posts, and taking it out of context. You should considerd writing for one of those Hollywood gossip magazines you get at the supermarket check-out. I don't know why I bother... Let's revisit what I said: "People who don't cheat can't attract other people" OR did I say: "People who say I would NEVER cheat or would NEVER be an OW/OM or my partner would NEVER cheat, are those people who feel they can't attract another human being or that their partners cannot. Everyone has a 1% chance that they could do either, provided they feel they can attract another human being" And NO it's not the same thing. In one I am saying people who say "NEVER" exclude that 1% chance and can say with 100% conviction they will not do it. Nothing is a 100%, at least I don't think so. Link to post Share on other sites
Herzen Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 There are no hard and fast rules regarding why a BS becomes the OM. There are just too many individual differences to apply a one-size-fits-all explanation. My first wife cheated on me with at least 3 men and ended up marrying guy no. 3. Years later, while married to wife no.2 I fell in love with a married woman at work and our affair lasted over 3 years until I ended both the affair and my second marriage. My first wife's betrayal played absolutely no role in my betrayal in my second marriage. My history of being a BS was neither in the foreground or background. Very hot affair sex played a much larger role--for both of us. I'm am now happier and wiser (being single) and I'll never, ever fall for a married woman again. Once was more than enough. One final note: ironically, although my MW was clearly the affair-aggressor, her marriage survived. Her husband never found out. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 "People who say I would NEVER cheat or would NEVER be an OW/OM or my partner would NEVER cheat, are those people who feel they can't attract another human being or that their partners cannot. That's crazy. OFcourse married people can attract others! Though it comes down to WHAT the person CHOOSES to do once they feel it or know about it. People who say "I'll never cheat", do not cheat. Because they've set themselves to a very high standard and decided NEVER to put themselves in a situation that could lead to cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 People who say "I'll never cheat", do not cheat. Because they've set themselves to a very high standard and decided NEVER to put themselves in a situation that could lead to cheating. I just love blanket statements, it just shows how closed minded some people really are. I don't know about the rest of you but I am tired of reading posts of both cheaters, and OW/OM who say "I never thought I could do this..." In this thread alone there are a few...so c'mon! For the most part, people don't seek it out, it happens and they may they fall into temptation, THAT's the 1% I speak of. And those very same people are human beings, who at some point would have said I will NEVER... Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Let's revisit what I said: "People who don't cheat can't attract other people" OR did I say: "People who say I would NEVER cheat or would NEVER be an OW/OM or my partner would NEVER cheat, are those people who feel they can't attract another human being or that their partners cannot. Everyone has a 1% chance that they could do either, provided they feel they can attract another human being" And NO it's not the same thing. In one I am saying people who say "NEVER" exclude that 1% chance and can say with 100% conviction they will not do it. Nothing is a 100%, at least I don't think so. Let's re-visit what I said: They why is it that some people who are hit on all the time by MM never cheat no matter how attractive they find the MM to be? They know they can attract the MM because the opportunity is right there, but for some reason, they never do it. Could it be that the reason is they are not, as you say, destructive? Is it possible that some people do have a boundary that they will never cross because it's not in their nature? I don't know where you got that other quote from, but it sure wasn't mine. So, can you answer the question or do you just want to attack me? Do you think that it's not possible for a person to have a boundary that they know they will never cross? Link to post Share on other sites
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