is everything fine?

[toonice]

During the past seven years of my life I have been with one girl. My high school sweat heart. Yet we have gone through some up and downs, as all relationships do. Well any way the story is too long to tell.

 

During the last year she has gone through a couple episodes where she doesn't want me around. Once during the summer she wanted to break up because she said I didn't give her any space and she was only 20 yet felt like 40. I tried giving her space but everytime I tried to stay away I ended up right back at her house trying to work things out. Even when I had made up my mind about the break up and thought everything would be fine, I would end up in tears in front of her asking her to take me back. She left town for about a week, while on her trip with her family she called me making feel like everything had changed. To my surprise when she got back everything had changed and once again she was loving and everything got back to normal or even better. this whole episode lasted about three weeks.

 

Well we spent a couple great months but after christmas she starting acting weird again. I called her to spend friday night together and she told me she would going out with a girl friend of hers but that she would call me later and come over. She never called and I stayed up like an idiot waiting for her call. The next day in the morning I went to her house and she had just gotten in at 7:20 in the morning. She said she had some drinks and had to spend the night at her friends. Her friend is an older woman at age 34 or so. I was upset but we still spent some time together during the day. That afternoon some friends from back in highschool called they wanted to get together for the night (guys and girls). She asked if it was ok with me and I told her I couldn't hold her back from doing anything. She went out and once again told me she would call and come over afterward. Well I stayed up again waiting for her call and it never came. I went to her house at 8:00 in the morning but she wasn't there. On my way back home I saw her car and some guy was driving it. I fallowed and it turned out her and her girlfriend were giving rides back to some of the people. But I only saw two guys. When she came to talk to me I was pissed and accused her of cheating and lying on me but she assured me that they had only met as highschool buddies.

 

That night she got a call from one of the guys and I asked what that was about. All she said was that he called to see if everything was OK with me and her. She later asked me to leaveher house. I saw her again wed and it seemed things were better but now she seems indifferent and she said her newyears resulution is to not have sex until she gets on birth control.

 

My mind tells me she is scared but also other thoughts come like maybe she cheated on me and she thinks I might be able to tell. I don't know whats going on.

 

We are suppose to take a trip together for two weeks. I don't know how this is going to work out. I really need some advice. I really love this girl and I truly think she loves me. Maybe I'm pressuring her too much.

[Tony T]

I totally agree she should not have sex until she gets on birth control. That's about the only area of her life that I think she isn't about the flakiest chick I've ever heard about.

 

This lady has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. A girlfriend who stays out all night at will and doesn't call as she promises is worthless. If this is the kind of lady you choose to love, then you deserve every bit of heartache that befalls you.

 

The best way to handle this is to back off big time, start going out with your buddies all night, and ignore the hell out of her. She is playing you like a fiddle and walking all over you. She cares as much about your feelings as she cares about getting cancer.

 

Until she takes you out of her wimp category, you don't stand a chance. Put your foot down and let her know you simply won't put up with her kind of crap and be out the door. Love just doesn't work this way...no way, no how!!!

[MissBillyT]

I'm not really the type to give advice on relationship because I am not that good and I don't give advice for a living. But the situation is kind of stranged to me. Because right now I am in a situation where my guy doesn't have time for me. ANd I used to be in a situation where my ex was always with his friends and making promises he couldn't keep. Had me waiting on phone calls that never came. So basically I think you should just look deep in your heart for advice. Take some time alone and think. And about not having sex until she gets on Birth control. I don't think anything is wrong with that. But who am I to say.

[CityGyrl]

I think this girl is pulling you on a string and you are just willing to be pulled emotionally wherever she leads you. First of all, somebody should be using a form of contraceptive. Another baby does not need to come into the world in an unstable environment. I say that you need to start developing a life outside of hers. Go do things with your friends. Don't sit at home stressing out about her because it's obvious she is not doing that for you. And to a certain extent, she plays on the fact that you will be wondering where she is or going to her house to look for her. Why does it seem like she spends most of her time with her friends instead of you? I question that.

 

I think you should go out and have some fun too. If she is allowed than I think you should go to. But I think at 20, you have a lot of play left in you. And I get the impression she is not fully commited to you. If she was she would be spending more time with you and bringing her butt in the house a lot earlier than 7 a.m. When you are in a relationship, there are just certain things you just don't do. And she seems to be crossing those lines. You might want to re-examine if this is a relationship worth pursuing. What you give her she should be giving you in return. If you are putting in all the time and effort and than you are only getting the leftovers than you need to re-examine if this is a worthwhile relationship to be in to.

[midori]

... while she's out? These were high school friends and you two were high school sweethearts -- but they weren't your friends too? OK, but even if they weren't your friends back then, even if you'd never seen them before, why wouldn't you go out with them since you're her long-time boyfriend? Wouldn't you all like to get to know each other?

 

Regardless (although I do think the above questions deserve some consideration in and of themselves), when your gf goes out without you, which is perfectly acceptable, why would you stay at home sitting by the phone? Why didn't you go out & do something yourself? Not to "get even" or anything like that, but because you're an individual -- not just one half of a unit, a half who can't do anything without the other half.

 

It sounds to me like you & your gf have been in a rut, where you're so accustomed to always being together, have to call each other every night without fail, etc., that to do otherwise is unthinkable. Yet it's not necessary in order to have a good relationship. Living in each other's pockets has got to be stifling after a while. If the only way you can feel confident about your relationship is to always be together or constantly checking in ... something is wrong.

 

Maybe something *is* wrong. Maybe your gf is untrustworthy. In that case, why are you with her?

 

But if you do trust her, I think you need to figure out why it's so important that she account for every step she makes when she's not with you. I agree that it was rather inconsiderate of her to not call you when she said she would. On the other hand, did she realize you were waiting by the phone? Did she think she was calling to for a little goodnight ritual, perhaps something you two frequently do? If so, she wouldn't have thought to call you at 1:00 a.m. when she was still hours away from going to bed herself.

 

Sometimes we build up a lot of expectations based on how things usually go, or how they've gone so far. We have a lot of unquestioned assumptions. They need to be examined from time to time. It sounds like you and your gf have a lot of expectations and assumptions pertaining to your relationship that you need to identify and sort out. Until you do, you're going to be sitting by the phone wondering "why hasn't she called yet?"

 

Lastly, for what it's worth and I'm sorry to say this, it sounds to me like your gf is getting ready to break up with you. The guy friend having to call to see if everything is OK with the two of you, her suddenly seeing the light about birth control (and it's very scary to know that there are people out there who AREN'T ALREADY thinking about birth control) ... sounds to me like she's backing out. If you can muster the courage & insight to initiate a conversation about what your expectations & wishes are, and what hers are, maybe you can avert a break-up. Maybe. But if not you'll have lots of food for thought about getting mindlessly wrapped up in a relationship so that you won't let it happen again.

[toonice]

Yes i've thought she wanted to break up and did initiate a convesation as to what was going on. What did she expect from me? She said that she loved me very much and did not want to break up but that I needed to give her more space. The reason I didn't go with her id because she said I would be very bored there and would probably be critisizing her friends. We were high school sweat hearts but I am 24 and she is 21. We don't have the same friends. I also just graduated from college and I think she has this image of me not being able to hangout with "immature guys" in her words.

We are goign to Mexico for two weeks tomarrow and every time I speak with her it seems she wants to stop talking about this. She said it is now a new year and she doesn't wnat to argue, she wants to hang out and have fun. I don't know if this is true of a product of the trip which she doesn't want to break.

 

I truly are starting to think it's mostly me and my insecurities. I am not where I thought I should be at this point in my life. Am applying to grad school and I'm uncertain about the future for both of us. She probably feels the same way.

[Ally Boo]

You sound controlling and restrictive. And I don't think you really love her. If you did, you would give her the space she needs, and put your OWN needs aside. Respect her wishes and give her the space she needs. In love, your needs sometimes have to be over looked for the better sake of your other.

[toonice]

At this point I'm starting to believe that I can truly go crazy trying to figure everything out. I'm going to try and mend things with her to the point where things can become more healthy for the both of us. I seem to not think of myself very much even though it may not seem like that. I'm a man and a good one at that. I can acomplish great things but I have a very sensitive heart. This makes me suseptible to getting hurt easily.

 

I know that if she didn't want to be with me, she would break it off, because she is strong and wouldn't put it off for later.

 

My mind always tells me that it doesn't matter if she did break up with me cause there are always more women in the world and I have had women flirt and give me their number out of the blue in the past. So I don't think this has changed much. My heart on the other hand wants her to love me very much and if this isn't so he's going to make me suffer by hurtting for a period of time.

 

I know I'm a good man with a good heart and I never intended to make her feel like she was in a cage. I just listened to much to her own words. When she would tell me she didn't lke me hanging out with my fraternity, I listened and stopped. When she said she didn't like me doing this or that I also wanted to make it work, and I would stop. Now she feels like she is in a cage but I have broken off relationships with friends and those around me except for family and Her. When she's not arrouund I don't know what to do. I feel an anxiety that grips my chest and makes me sick to my stomach. If we are having trouble it feels like everything my end and in passing, my hole life, because she is my hole life.

 

I wish someone could just help me get through it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[HokeyReligions]

Midori & AllyBoo said pretty much what I wanted to say.

 

If I had someone calling me and crying on my doorstep and generally smothering me I would try for a while to make them feel better but then I would turn tail and run!

 

Stop being afraid to be without her and make your own life. It doesn't have to be the end for either of you and if you get back together later on it will be much better and healthier. Probably what will happen is you will each find someone else and fall in love and think back on this relationship and realize it wasn't really a healthy love.

[tymish]

Try to relax a bit. Take it easy man...it sounds like you're driving yourself and your gf crazy. You're both still pretty darn young and trying to figure out where your lives are going as individuals. Maybe you need to focus a bit more on yourself and your plans for school, life etc. If you do that hopefully the rest will work itself out for you. It sounds like that's what she may be doing. You and her will either grow together or grow apart but try to give her and yourself a chance to breathe. There's a certain freedom that comes over you when you turn 21 on this country and it sounds like she's exploring it.

[AngelEyes]

[color=blue][/color]

 

I understand what your going through. Some of the people are not as open and receptive to pain as you and I. I feel it everyday with my husband. Even if you were spending more time together, and even if she called you, you would still be feeling this way. In a way it is like your addicted to the feeling of love and the object of your affection.

 

Try to go out and meet new friends. If you end up on the recieving end of a breakup you will end up feeling even more insecure and alone, if you do not make some friends of your own. I promise you that if you do stop obsessing over where and how long and with whom she is out, she will become more receptive and loving toward you. She doesnt need the pressure of being your everything, you should want to get a life of your own. You will be alot happier.I need to do this too. Your not alone on this. Let me know how it works out.

[mighty bop]

You'd think after 7 years together.........hmmmm I don't know. I wouldn't let my gf do that stuff. I think it's time to break up, what do you think?

[Kat]

Sounds like she has missed the part in her life where she gets to be a young free women. Lucky for me I went through it early and by the time I was 18 was ready to settle down.

 

Some people go through it, some people don't. It sounds as if she wants to be free, but she doesn't want to lose what you two have. Sadly she cannot have both, so I think you need to have the hardest conversation of your life

 

Luck!