Emotional Blackmail? (it's long winded...)

[Marty]

I don't know what else to do, so perhaps you strangers can help.

 

About a month and a half ago this girl asked me out. We went out and basically messed around. There was not much more to the relationship because I'd told her from the start that I didn't want anything serious. She also told me that I wasn't her first boyfriend, which I have since found out I was. Anyway, during this 3 week fling I met her sister. She (Kate) actually introduced me to her sister (Eve) because she wanted me to talk to her about my past relationship (which I had a hangup about) because it would help in Kate and my 'relationship'.

 

Eve is the rational one. Since, Eve and I have become great friends. She is so easy to get along with and we always have loads of fun together. I've actually started to like her more than a friend, and so has she but I value her friendship more than a relationship with her, and I've told her this.

 

The ultimatum came from Eve a couple of days ago. She told me that we couldn't see each other even as friends, we couldn't communicate, via email, phone or ICQ. Nothing but she wouldn't tell me why. I refused to accept this without at least a reason and finally found out why.

 

Kate has been harassing Eve constantly around their home while I'm not there of course. She prys into Eve's life, hassles her until Eve practically breaks down and gives in, eave drops, tries to break her password to read her email. It's like Kate won't stop until she knows everything about everything to do with Eve's life. In particular, Eve's friendship with me. Kate has been talking to Eve's friends (some of which are mutual between sisters) and I assume they are empathising with her and now, Eve's friends are starting to treat her differently. Starting to nag at her. Kate is taking Eve's personal space away from her and turning her friends against her. Eve NEEDS her own space, Kate knows this and that's why she's doing what she's doing. Emotional blackmail?

 

Thus, it has come down to this, Eve either stops being friends with me, gets her sister off her back (which is what Kate wants, she's playing mind games is order to get what SHE wants, and not respecting her sister or me) and get's her valuble personal space back, or it keeps on happening. I'm not supposed to know what Kate is doing to Eve. Eve is totally honest with me and me her. Because I like her it is so hard for me to walk away like that.

 

I want to help Eve because I care greatly for her, but I can't help but refuse to let Kate win. I get the feeling that if she wins this time, she'll just do the same thing to get what she wants from Eve next time. That and I don't want to lose Eve's friendship because her sister can't deal with her emotions. She's forcing Eve to do what she wants and Kate knows EXACTLY what she's doing.

 

I know that me trying to fix this is making it even harder on Eve. The thing is, I know that she doesn't really want it this way, she wants to keep being friends but she sees no other alternative and refuses to believe that I'll see an alternative too. We've spoken about keeping our friendship a "deep dark secret" but Kate will eventually find out by any means necessary. She won't let up.

 

I've organised to talk with Kate. Which I have to do carefully. I hvae a feeling it will happen like this: We'll have an argument/conversation and resolve it, then Kate will go home and she'll just keep on harassing Eve. Eve knows her sister and believes she'll do this aswell and she's therefore against me talking to Kate about this problem. I don't know what else to do, Kate is causing problem here and I won't let that break us up because of her jealousy.

 

I understand that the previous relationship I had with Kate is the cause of this. She has told me that she is okay with Eve and I being friends, but continues this saga behind my back. She tells me one thing and then continues to devistate Eve's life.

 

What do I do??? How do I talk to Kate?? Do I talk to Kate at all? Should I just walk, because I really really don't want to do that. I know I'm thinking emotionally and not using my head, and I know that I'm hurting Eve. ARGH! I just want it all to go away... I want Kate to go away and leave us alone because her sister's life has nothing to do with her and she has no right to impose on it like this in order to "get her way" It's wrong! I know that me being friends with her sister after we went out isn't the nicest thing to have to deal with, but she can't act this way. It's immoral and unjust and... and... help!

[fredsprop]

I don't know what else to do, so perhaps you strangers can help. About a month and a half ago this girl asked me out. We went out and basically messed around. There was not much more to the relationship because I'd told her from the start that I didn't want anything serious. She also told me that I wasn't her first boyfriend, which I have since found out I was. Anyway, during this 3 week fling I met her sister. She (Kate) actually introduced me to her sister (Eve) because she wanted me to talk to her about my past relationship (which I had a hangup about) because it would help in Kate and my 'relationship'. Eve is the rational one. Since, Eve and I have become great friends. She is so easy to get along with and we always have loads of fun together. I've actually started to like her more than a friend, and so has she but I value her friendship more than a relationship with her, and I've told her this. The ultimatum came from Eve a couple of days ago. She told me that we couldn't see each other even as friends, we couldn't communicate, via email, phone or ICQ. Nothing but she wouldn't tell me why. I refused to accept this without at least a reason and finally found out why. Kate has been harassing Eve constantly around their home while I'm not there of course. She prys into Eve's life, hassles her until Eve practically breaks down and gives in, eave drops, tries to break her password to read her email. It's like Kate won't stop until she knows everything about everything to do with Eve's life. In particular, Eve's friendship with me. Kate has been talking to Eve's friends (some of which are mutual between sisters) and I assume they are empathising with her and now, Eve's friends are starting to treat her differently. Starting to nag at her. Kate is taking Eve's personal space away from her and turning her friends against her. Eve NEEDS her own space, Kate knows this and that's why she's doing what she's doing. Emotional blackmail? Thus, it has come down to this, Eve either stops being friends with me, gets her sister off her back (which is what Kate wants, she's playing mind games is order to get what SHE wants, and not respecting her sister or me) and get's her valuble personal space back, or it keeps on happening. I'm not supposed to know what Kate is doing to Eve. Eve is totally honest with me and me her. Because I like her it is so hard for me to walk away like that. I want to help Eve because I care greatly for her, but I can't help but refuse to let Kate win. I get the feeling that if she wins this time, she'll just do the same thing to get what she wants from Eve next time. That and I don't want to lose Eve's friendship because her sister can't deal with her emotions. She's forcing Eve to do what she wants and Kate knows EXACTLY what she's doing. I know that me trying to fix this is making it even harder on Eve. The thing is, I know that she doesn't really want it this way, she wants to keep being friends but she sees no other alternative and refuses to believe that I'll see an alternative too. We've spoken about keeping our friendship a "deep dark secret" but Kate will eventually find out by any means necessary. She won't let up. I've organised to talk with Kate. Which I have to do carefully. I hvae a feeling it will happen like this: We'll have an argument/conversation and resolve it, then Kate will go home and she'll just keep on harassing Eve. Eve knows her sister and believes she'll do this aswell and she's therefore against me talking to Kate about this problem. I don't know what else to do, Kate is causing problem here and I won't let that break us up because of her jealousy. I understand that the previous relationship I had with Kate is the cause of this. She has told me that she is okay with Eve and I being friends, but continues this saga behind my back. She tells me one thing and then continues to devistate Eve's life. What do I do??? How do I talk to Kate?? Do I talk to Kate at all? Should I just walk, because I really really don't want to do that. I know I'm thinking emotionally and not using my head, and I know that I'm hurting Eve. ARGH! I just want it all to go away... I want Kate to go away and leave us alone because her sister's life has nothing to do with her and she has no right to impose on it like this in order to "get her way" It's wrong! I know that me being friends with her sister after we went out isn't the nicest thing to have to deal with, but she can't act this way. It's immoral and unjust and... and... help!

First of all, I think that you should respect Eve's wishes. Don't speak to Kate. If the relationship between you and Eve is that important to her (Eve), then she will do what she can to make a go of it. Someone really needs to take this little spoiled, manipulative brat Kate and give her a few life lessons! IF you and Eve contiue to allow her to get her way through this irrational behavior, things will never change. Tell Eve how you feel about her and your friendship with her. Tell her that it's very important to you and you will do whatever you have to do to protect it. Tell Kate to back off and find a hobby! And tell Eve if her mutual friends (the friends she shares with Kate) are treating her differently because of Kate's whining, then she needs a new group of friends--Not to mention that you can help start her off with the new friends--(YOU!!!)

 

Kate sounds very irrational, spoiled, and manipulative. You really need to convince Eve that she needs to do something about Kate. Especially because Kate's behavior is hindering on Eve's social life.

 

Like I said, Try to tell Eve how you feel and to find out how she feels and to see how valuable your relationship with her is (to her). and take it from there. Apparently, if she doesn't value the relationship the way you do, then you shouldn't fight for it. But if it is, see what the two of you can do to accomodate the friendship (or more, maybe)

 

But trying to reason with Kate will probably only upset Eve and put Kate on her back even more than she is already. ~~And one last thing.......how did you get mixed up with Kate in the first place? She sounds like Basic Instinct material!!!~~ (laugh!!)

 

[Marty]

Thankyou for your response though I'm not sure if I should reply to it on the list. I'll delete it if someone complains I noticed that you've posted replies to a number of posts on this list, that's so cool. I'm not the only one that really appreciates it I'm sure.

 

It's the most sense that I've thought/read since this has happened. Thanks, my mind gets all twisted up and I end up behaving irrationally myself. I'm going to talk to Eve about our relationship and it's importance soon. Eve's told me that if we'd met under different circumstances things would have been fine, ugh... if only, if only, if only Kate wasn't so... well, like you said Basic Instinct material.

 

Anyway, just wanted to thank you and let you know that your advice is the most sensible I've heard. So, thanks...

First of all, I think that you should respect Eve's wishes. Don't speak to Kate. If the relationship between you and Eve is that important to her (Eve), then she will do what she can to make a go of it. Someone really needs to take this little spoiled, manipulative brat Kate and give her a few life lessons! IF you and Eve contiue to allow her to get her way through this irrational behavior, things will never change. Tell Eve how you feel about her and your friendship with her. Tell her that it's very important to you and you will do whatever you have to do to protect it. Tell Kate to back off and find a hobby! And tell Eve if her mutual friends (the friends she shares with Kate) are treating her differently because of Kate's whining, then she needs a new group of friends--Not to mention that you can help start her off with the new friends--(YOU!!!) Kate sounds very irrational, spoiled, and manipulative. You really need to convince Eve that she needs to do something about Kate. Especially because Kate's behavior is hindering on Eve's social life. Like I said, Try to tell Eve how you feel and to find out how she feels and to see how valuable your relationship with her is (to her). and take it from there. Apparently, if she doesn't value the relationship the way you do, then you shouldn't fight for it. But if it is, see what the two of you can do to accomodate the friendship (or more, maybe) But trying to reason with Kate will probably only upset Eve and put Kate on her back even more than she is already. ~~And one last thing.......how did you get mixed up with Kate in the first place? She sounds like Basic Instinct material!!!~~ (laugh!!)