Big Dilemma!

[annabelle75]

You may want to call an attorney or even just do a little online research before you talk to your wife, so you know what your rights are.

 

How old is she? I only ask this because I think grabbing the kids and flying back to mommy and daddy to be very immature. Women seperate from their husbands all the time and don't have to run back home to their parents. Would she even stop to think what is best for the kids? Ripping the children away from their father and the life that that are use to would not be good for them. It would be very selfish of her to do so.

 

I understand that you want to be nice, but I think it would be wrong of you to just let her do that. For the kids sake you need to assert your rights as a father.

 

I get the impression from your posts that even though you have not dismissed the idea of trying to make the marriage work, you've sort of come to terms with the fact that it is probably over. This is something you need to think about before you talk to her. Do you really want stay with her or do you just want to move on with your life? Its OK if that is how you really feel, but you need to be honest with yourself about it.

[LakesideDream]

Despite some previous posts saying the children would be better off with me, I'm still not sure. I feel like they really need their mother. I know they need me too, but probably not to the same extent.

 

That's where you are wrong Bucko. I have read this whole thread, top to bottom... and frankly I am chagrined. This is the 21st Century, you obviously live in the United States (reference East/West), and you are not willing to extend yourself to make sure your children are free from religious oppression?

 

Look what the "religion" you and your wife share has done to the two of you? Do you want the same thing to happen to your children? I didn't read where you "named" the religion, however it may be strict "orthodox" Mormanism.. from the "wear boxers" remark, many "religions" have prohibitions on booze, and caffine.

 

There are religions today that are actually cluts. You might have noticed that we are currently locked in mortal combat with the members of a religion that believes they will be rewarded for marytering themselves by killing infidels... rewarded by being "given" 72 virgins to RAPE in heaven!

 

Escape while you can, and take your family with you if you can, especially the children. The world is to full of zealots already!

[luvstarved]

Wow, this really is a tough problem. On the one hand, to most of us on this board, this cult/religion sounds "out there". On the other, you entered into a marriage based at least partially on "shared values" and there is an element of your not being the man that she thought she married. So I can feel for your wife when the s hits the fan...

 

None of us here are counselors, just people with our own problems trying to give objective feedback to others...

 

Personally, I would write a letter BUT NOT GIVE IT TO HER...I would use it as a way of making sure my thoughts were in order, but do think it would be a bit cowardly/impersonal to communicate with her that way. However, I would try to stick to the core issue of no longer being a believer and whether that can be reconciled within your marriage. I don't think I would hit her with THAT brick and then follow it with a baseball bat of pornography, the evil coffee, etc. Total and complete honesty is nice in a perfect world of perfectly rational people but that ain't where we live, and I think that the wanting to leave the church is going to be so big for her to process that shovelling on additional hurt will pretty much ruin your chances of her coming to terms with the primary problem. Let her adjust to one thing at a time at least.

 

As far as the church being more important...I am not affiliated with any organized religion but I have explored many, and most from my memory put out "God first, family second" so if she is a true believer then you don't have much of an argument with expecting her to put your marriage before her relationship with her (whoa, restrictive!!) God.

 

I think your best approach is to go to her with all sincerity and confess to her that you no longer share the beliefs of your religion. I would tell her as honestly and openly what your beliefs really are, as best as you understand them (I realize you might be somewhat unclear on this, but I guess my point is to convey to her that you have not become a soulless jerk and are still spiritually thoughtful), where you differ with the church, etc. Tell her that you love her and want to be married to her, and that your family is of utmost importance to you, but that is not fair to either of you, nor to the church, to continue to live a lie. Then ask her what she thinks...whether she feels there is any way to reconcile these differences. Then listen to her.

 

The thing is, if she hears pornography in the mix, I think that is all she is going to hear. I think she may conclude that the whole conversation is about your base desires and your inability to curb them. If she has stated that she would leave you for drinking coffee, she's not going to be understanding about porn. Not at this point.

 

In short, if you go to her with a spiritual dilemma then I think she will be much more receptive and maybe there will be some chance that she will try to accept this change in you and try to work it out. The "freedoms" can come later as a result of her adjusting, if she is willing to do that. Sure, there is a chance that she will just freak and want to leave but it still sounds like your best shot. But it's a lot harder to fault someone for their spiritual beliefs than their "porn addiction".

 

Well that's my two cents. Please keep us posted.

[Guest]

I am sorry to say I feel you made your bed and now have to lie in it. You married on the basis you and your wife adhered to the same faith and then you changed your mind.

 

I feel for your wife who believed she was marrying a man who shared her faith and now finds herself with a man who breaches covenants that mean something to her. I won't judge those covenants. She is in a terrible position with young children and a failing marriage.

 

I feel for you too, because you are in a bad position and there is no easy way out. Clearly you have abandoned your faith and need to move on - you should not participate as a hypocrite. You must do your best to remain a good father to your children and do your duty to them - which surely won't be easy when you and their mother have such fundamental differences of opinion! How are you two going to decide how the children should be raised? If they are raised in their mother's faith, how are you going to explain yourself to them? You have a huge challenge ahead of you and I am truly sympathetic. You need to turn your mind to how you can raise your children in without disrespecting their mother's values or being untrue to yourself.

 

I think you must address the porn issue, as you will have some difficulty finding a partner who will tolerate such an addiction. And, though it is probably moot, I want to point out that it may be your use of porn that has caused your wife to lose interest in sex with you. I feel very self-conscious when I imagine I am being compared to porn stars and feeling that way makes me less interested in having sex. This might be advice for your next relationship.

[bkz]

I really do appreciate your sympathies. I am well aware that I am not without blame on this, but I also think I don't deserve all the blame. Everyone I know is likely going to blame me 100%, so its good to know there are people out there who think this whole religion ordeal is a little crazy.

 

Hypothetically, lets say I tell my wife I have had problems with pornography, I want to leave the church, and I want to work things out. Assume also that she then tells me she cannot stay with me and says she is going to leave the state with the kids and move in with her parents. I assume she will want to be on a plane the next day. When should I talk with an attorney about custody issues? How would I stop her from leaving? I'm still not sure I would object too much to her leaving. I can take a month or so to wrap things up at work, pack, and move also. Despite some previous posts saying the children would be better off with me, I'm still not sure. I feel like they really need their mother. I know they need me too, but probably not to the same extent. And if I'm no longer in this church I'm not sure it can brainwash my children since I will be around to open their eyes and teach them about the real world, even if only on every other weekend.

 

I realize I will have some personal progress to make if I ever want to have a successful relationship in the future, or if my wife decides to work with me on our relationship. I'll try to keep posting updates, but I don't know how long it will take to get up enough courage to take this initial step. I really am terrified!

 

T, again im not bashing or trying to be critical of you or your choices but........ I think youd be making a huge mistake just letting your children go anyware at this point. Dont kid yourself they need there father just as much as there mother. IF you end up in a divorce they'll need stability more than ever.

 

My advice is, I wouldnt say a word to her or anyone else until AFTER I saw an attorney and found out what my rights were. Please protect yourself and your kids. I do believe if your still married and theres been no legal seperation filed for, she can pick the kids up and relocated them into a stable enviroment away from you. Diferant states, differant rules though. I know of one situation were this did happen here in Calif. The mother picked up the kids and left then filed for divorce. The father in this sitch did get 50% custody of his kids but comutes 40 min. each way to get his kids to school and back when hes got them. He was unable to get her to move back with the kids because she got them into school and was living in her family's home witch is concidered a good stable enviroment for them, says the judge.

 

Im sorry if I seemed to be judging/harsh with you a bit in my preveous posts, it wasnt my intent. Your sitchuation is very complicated and im sure you have some real tough decissions to make. Protect your kids and your right to them as a father.

 

Oh and a good place to go for some advice is dadsdivorce.com

Theres a ton of good info there, hopefully you'll find something helpfull.

[Andie]

Dear Tim: I think your approach to a "possible" divorce is very caring and considerate however you don't have to give up your life in order to prevent your wife from being hurt. A divorce will be bad wether you stay where you are or follow your kids. She is going to need a separation period to get over the divorce and you being around all the time will only make things worse. As for the kids I thing a compromise can be reached, and if the decision of divorce comes from you then you need to be willing to live with the consequences and maybe realize that seeing them will be more difficult even if they don't move anywhere. Also your wife might get some support from the church (you mentioned that is a tight one, and sounds to me like she's happy with it). Have you considered marriage counselling? maybe she is willing to try...

All the best for you

[TTT]

Just to keep you updated...I still haven't talked to my wife. I'm much too chicken. I do have plans to do so, though. We have a vacation planned in a couple of weeks, and I don't want to ruin those plans for me, my wife, or my children. I think I'll wait until after the vacation.

[annabelle75]

Just to keep you updated...I still haven't talked to my wife. I'm much too chicken. I do have plans to do so, though. We have a vacation planned in a couple of weeks, and I don't want to ruin those plans for me, my wife, or my children. I think I'll wait until after the vacation.

 

Thank you for checking back in. I've been wondering how it was going for you. I think your choice to wait until after the family vacation is a reasonable one and doesn't make you an chicken. You and your family will have a tough road ahead of them and I think letting everyone enjoy this trip is a good idea.

 

I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.