HokeyReligions Posted January 2, 2003 Share Posted January 2, 2003 I keep laughing about this today. I was in a bad mood yesterday. I stayed in the bedroom all day. When my husband kept pathetically whining and asking if I was mad at him or if he'd done something wrong I calmly said "No, I just don't feel well and would like to be left alone." When he wanted to take a nap I came into the front room and then later started dinner. When he woke up I went back to the bedroom. I just wanted to be left alone. I was reading or watching TV or just doing nothing. I didn't feel like being around him, or my mother, or even my dogs. I had to constantly reassure him that I was fine and not angry. Because I did constantly have to reassure him I became irritated and when I asked him to go watch football and leave me alone and stop asking if I'm mad, or I'll get mad, well -- I guess he was bored and kept pestering me anyway, so I did get mad. I just wanted some alone time and he was feeling extra insecure and needy. Not a good thing to happen at the same time! Well, it all erupted into a fight about NOTHING. He started throwing some things, well, slamming them down and stuff and I got mad and threw out the plate of dinner he finished getting ready for me and made myself some mac-n-cheese instead. It just kept getting worse and continued into the night. I went back to the bedroom and threw his pillows into the hall and he slept on the couch. It continued into this morning when I was looking for a particular shirt. He came to help me and started throwing clothes around and I got so mad I pretty much emptied all my dresser drawers and the dirty clothes basket (which was full) onto the floor in the hall, the laundry room, the bathroom, and the bedroom. (never did find THAT shirt). I was just so dang mad and he was yelling and it was just so stupid. On my way out the front door I asked him if it was cold out and he said yes and I slammed out the door saying "Good, maybe I'll get pnuemonia" and I was starting to say 'and have to go to the hospital where I can get some rest' but he had already slammed the door so he didn't hear that part. I got to work and about an hour ago he calls up here. Hubby: "Did you try to call me" Me: "No" Hubby: "Well, the phone rang and when I picked it up there was no dial tone or anything. We need a new da*& phone" Me: silence Hubby: "Well, I wanted you to know that I took the futon out to the barn and put all my clothes in the garage. Your clothes are in both chests now" Me: "Where in the garage?" Hubby: "In that big dresser out there. You have all the drawers in the house now" Me: "Well, that was dumb." Hubby: "Whatever" Click. I'm laughing about this. He didn't call to ask if I'd called him! He called to play martyr and tell me about moving the clothes and stuff and to let me know that he'd been busy!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, fine. Stupid fight. I know I'll walk in tonight and burst out laughing! He can be such a jerk sometimes. I just wanted to be by myself a while. Next time I'll just go to a nice hotel for a night. I've done that before too. Bring some books and music and bubble bath. Watch TV or Read and just do absolutly NOTHING and not have to talk with anyone or anything but just RELAX! I won't take my cell phone (I left that at home today too) and if there's a phone in the hotel room I'll take it off the hook. Let's see, when is the next holiday. MAY! ! ! NO! I don't want to wait that long! The reason I wanted alone time was not to sulk or anything, but this season has been stressful and the monday before Christmas we lost part of the door to the barn and our patio cover and the pool cover was damaged too, plus the ice maker broke, we lost some rain gutters on the house and one window was cracked when something hit it during the storm. A tree in our neighbors yard was knocked down onto our fence and I have to be so careful with my dogs. The one dog who is not fixed went into heat and is driving us all crazy. I just wanted some down time thats all! Link to post Share on other sites
Confused610 Posted January 3, 2003 Share Posted January 3, 2003 I completely feel you ! Sometimes, EVERY human needs some time alone, but the person we love and loves you back just wants to make sure you are okay and that there is nothing wrong, it may seem like he is trying to bother you, but I'm sure he was just trying to be of an assistance to the anger he feels that you don't have:) Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 3, 2003 Share Posted January 3, 2003 Hokey - do you suppose if you explained to him what you explained to us in your last para about why you were stressed and needed peace that he might have understood your need for peace? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HokeyReligions Posted January 3, 2003 Author Share Posted January 3, 2003 Thanks, I know this was stupid and I was venting. I have explained to him that I just needed some time alone but he is in one of his insecure phases and I just didn't want to deal with that now too. I couldn't help but laugh when I got home. I went in and he had dinner ready, I said thank-you and took it in the bedroom and spent the evening in there. The few times I passed him in the hall I said that dinner was good and asked him if he wanted to sleep in the bedroom tonight and I'd sleep in the living room. He said no, so I stayed in the bedroom. This isn't a marriage-breaker or anything - couples have stupid fights all the time. This was just so ridiculous to me I thought I'd vent a little and share in the hope that some people might be able to see their own fights a little differently. My marriage is still the best and I wouldn't change anything. I went on strike once for over 2 years when we were constantly fighting about housework. Egad! Our house was a horrible mess. I did the laundry because the clothes HAD to be clean, but I didn't do much else. If we'd had kids CPS would have taken them away because the house was so dirty. We took out the trash and did a little, tiny bit around the house, but the ceiling fans hadn't been cleaned or the house dusted or the fridge cleaned out, or things like that for 2 years. We weren't fighting the whole 2 years, but it took him that long to finally see what a clean house meant and what it takes to maintain it. It's been an interesting marriage. Saturday is my cleaning day and I'll do my normal routine. Sunday is laundry day and that's where it will be interesting. It's time to clean out my closets anyway--I have lots of things that I don't wear anymore and can get rid of. I will NOT put any clothes into the chest of drawers he emptied yesterday! They can stay piled on top of the dresser forever as far as I'm concerned. Yep, when we both get bull-headed about something it get's interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
tymish Posted January 3, 2003 Share Posted January 3, 2003 Well, this sounds familiar but I'm on the flip side. My girlfreind & I have been living together for about 3 years now. She has those days or times when she wants to be left alone. I tend to be more of a people person than she is. I don't particularly like being alone for long though i can handle it as long as I have something to do. Anyway it comes down to feelings of rejection I guess. Even if it's irrational, no matter how old we get our emotions were built as children. I bet your husband feels rejected by you, he probably doesn't even know why. It probably seems funny to you but deep down inside I doubt it's funny to him. Do you often need lots of alone time? To you it's just him being needy and annoying. To him it could be fear of rejection or wondering whether or not you need him, be it emotionally or physically. I often have to bite my tongue and curb my instinct to throw a tantrum. It sounds like this may have been building up for quite some time in your man. Maybe it looks funny and immature and 'just a martyr moment'. However that seems like a pretty big message he's sending. Now he's just waiting for your next move. He may just be acting out but he also may have some serious issues. You might want to have a good long talk soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HokeyReligions Posted January 3, 2003 Author Share Posted January 3, 2003 Thanks tymish, That's some pretty good insight. You may not have read any of my other posts, but my husband and I have been through quite a lot and he has been in therapy for a long time dealing with similar issues. He knows he's being silly allowing himself to feel this way and he knows that I love him and am not rejecting him. I know I'm being bull-headed and could stop this silly "argument" any time I want, but I don't want to. It's become rather entertaining and is turning into an interesting "game of wills" and we are both a little competitive. The rejection issues are very, VERY deep for both of us. You see, many years ago he rejected me as his wife. We went through hell for a very long time and there are not many women who would stay with their husband after all of that. It's unconditional love and not co-dependency (whole other post! ) so I'm not worried about his feelings of insecurity right now. It IS a phase he goes through from time to time (left over from all the abuse he suffered growing up) and I won't pander to him on it. That just makes it worse anyway. I said "thanks honey" when he fixed dinner and later told him it was good. We are not screaming at each other - we just aren't talking either. I'm going to send him somewhere tomorrow so I can do my housework (can't do it with him around, so I tend to send him to the movies or something while I work) and I'll move his clothes back in from the garage. I won't tell him though. Link to post Share on other sites
AngelEyes Posted January 4, 2003 Share Posted January 4, 2003 This post cracked me up so much I had to have my husband come read this. He didnt find it so funny though. We had a fight almost exactly simular today!!! I didnt feel good, I needed a break from him and the kids. It all started when he called this morning. I wanted to sleep in. The kids were at daycare, he was at work. When I didnt answer, he kept calling and calling and calling. Finally I answered the phone. I told him I needed some time without everyone needing me for something. Well, he came home. As soon as he walked in the door it was are you mad at me? Whats wrong? Over and Over........... I kept asking him to give me some time alone, that nothing was wrong, I just wasnt in the mood to deal with anyone. He wouldnt let up. So my frustration built up, and I blew. So then came the fight. Over nothing. Thank you for making me feel not so alone on this, and for bringing a smile to my face!!! AngelEyes Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Posted January 5, 2003 Share Posted January 5, 2003 To some people, what you described is "moody" behavior. It would bother me tremendously if my husband or significant other did what you did. I understand that you needed time to yourself--but to someone who doesn't need to be away from their lover (dog, children, etc) to keep a semblance of sanity--it is a rude! I am not putting you down, I am just trying to share with you that some people find this behavior totally unacceptable! It would be a deal breaker for me. Did you do this before you got married so he'd have a clue that this is normal for you (not a put down)? Just trying to show you the other side of the coin so it would be helpful in your relationship. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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