The intent of her contact..?

[me1234]

My ex of 4 years dumped me about a week ago. Reasons she gave were that she wasn't sure she wanted to continue on w/ me, she didn't want a BF right now, and b/c her feelings had changed. We had our issues and fights along the way, but we always seemed to pull through. We'd broken up a few times, but it only took a day or 2 before she'd text or call to say she missed me or wanted to see me. This time is very different, none of that is happening.

 

Being the dumpee, I of course am taking this very tough. When she broke up w/ me, I tried to talk to her and convince her to stay - it didn't work.

 

Fast fwd a few days....my bday is this week, and on Wed of last week she contacted me to say she still wanted to do something for my bday, so she treated me to a movie Sat night. After the movie, I of course hoped that in seeing me, she'd have a change of heart and would at least want to talk. However, that didn't happen, and I (pathetically) had to bring it up.

 

So, I spilled my guts - again. I stressed our good qualities as a couple, all the years invested, the love we have, etc etc. She agreed w/ me on a lot of the aspects, but remained firm and didn't waver. She assured me that she'll always love me and I'm a special guy, but she doesn't want to be with me anymore. At the end of our convo, I suggested she at least think about things, and she agreed, although in retrospect she may have said that just to appease me. As I exited the car, I invited her in to talk and spend more time together, but she said no and went home.

 

Sunday, my desperation continued. I sent a txt saying if she'd like to meet for coffee to let me know. She wrote back saying she had dinner plans w/ friends, so I responded that if she ever wanted to talk, I'd be here. So, I moved on to grieving and crying and accepting, fully thinking it would be weeks before I heard from her again, if ever. While crying myself to sleep, much to my shock, she called. We talked for almost 2 hours. I didn't act pathetic, didn't ask for her back, didn't let on that I was hurting. She already knew these things anyway. Our situation didn't come up once, in fact, it was just a random conversation. As it got late we said our casual goodnight.

 

While blindly staring at my monitor at work this afternoon, tear ducts filling up, i received an instant message - it was her. Again, we talked for a good while in the random fashion, not a word of our situation. One of her first lines was "it was really nice talking to you last night", and her last line was "it was really nice talking to you today".

 

So, that's the story in a nutshell. I got dumped, and she's made contact two days in a row which is completely confusing me and unfortunately giving me some false hope.

 

My "rational mind" theory...she feels terrible about leaving me and doesn't want to see me hurting. To that end, she feels the need to check up on me and make sure I'm OK, and also in the process to perhaps alleviate her own guilt in making the decision. After all, she did say to me many times, "I hate to see you hurting like this". I think she's just trying to be a concerned friend without realizing the confusion it's causing.

 

However much I believe in the above theory, my false hope surfaces and I try to find meaning in her contact, in every word she's said. "Really nice talking to you"..what does she mean? Why contact me two days in a row? Is she having 2nd thoughts? My mother actually planted some of the false hope seeds, "she wouldn't have contacted you two days in a row if she only felt bad. if she felt bad but wanted to move on, she'd just accept that you'd be hurt and let you be". (gee, thanks mom).

 

What do you think she's doing? Should I wait it out a week to see if she continues with frequent contact, then ask her about her intentions? I don't want to ask too soon because if she is reconsidering things, I don't want to put pressure on her. It's also possible that during this week of waiting, she may slow down or cease contact, which I suppose would also answer my questions. Maybe I just need to accept that she is only trying to be a caring friend, and since she's the dumper, maybe she doesn't understand the confusion she's creating...but I feel the need to get this answered sooner rather than later. I'm stuck in neutral, not sure if I should grieve and accept or wait around for a week or two.

[2ndIINone]

Get out of neutral gear.... drop the clutch and go have a good time.... live it up.... quit crying yourself to sleep and get out of the house.... DO STUFF! Don't be her doormat.

 

Why did she contact you twice already? Who cares... the bottomline is... she said she wanted to part.... so play your role in the relationship and let her walk and act as if it doesn't bother.

[CaliGuy]

OP, my guess is she is trying to relieve her guilt. Don't give her the pleasure.

 

Go NC with her. Especially on your birthday (if it hasn't passed already). Her mixes messages are unhealthy for you at this point.

 

Time and distance away from her will help you AND her clear your minds. Maybe she has a change of heart but if you keep accepting her calls (basically grabbing every crumb of attention she gives you) then she'll see you as a door mat and any chance of reconciling will go out the door.

 

Cheers.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

I'm stuck in neutral, not sure if I should grieve and accept or wait around for a week or two.

I'm with 2ndIINone and Caliguy. Grieve and accept. If she wants to come back she will let you know in no uncertain terms. Anything else is just caring/fishing so don't read anything into it.

 

On a psychological note people generally don't like being the source of someone else's pain. So the sooner you grieve and accept the sooner you will be able to genuinely present yourself as happy. NC will certainly help with this.

[me1234]

All 3 of you make perfect sense. I guess I'm just hoping against hope that she is reconsidering. In doing so, I'm overanalyzing what she's doing, looking for hidden meaning in her actions, driving myself crazy. You're right though...if she was actually reconsidering, she'd be clear about it, and it probably would have happened by now. The fact that she hasn't wavered one bit is a bad sign, and I know that. It's just really tough to accept it. It's just that her contact with me is confusing the heck out of me, which I guess is the whole point of NC.

 

As stupid as it is, I know what's right and I hear all your advice. However, my heart is tough to control in this situation, and I can't help myself from waiting this out through the weekend.

 

If she contacts me more and more, come Sunday I'll ask her about her inentions. If on the other hand she doesn't contact me or it tapers off, I'll have my answer and will then have no choice but to accept and move on.

 

I guess I'm just too afraid to go the NC route until I at least give it a few days more. I have this dumb fear that if she is reconsidering, I don't want to be the one to close that door by going NC too soon. Yeah, this is dumb, but I'm really hurting and I'm just grasping at straws in desperation. But, straws are all I got.

[Guest]

I believe most of us at the beginning have done what you are doing now ME1234. All I can say is 99.9% of the time I've seen nor read anything positive by continued contact. All it does is keep you hanging on instead of moving on.

 

I also agree that its probably guilt in her part. Remember there's a difference between guilt (making herself feel better) and remorse (it being about YOU). I see no remorse on her part.

 

For your own sake you need to stop this.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

I guess I'm just too afraid to go the NC route until I at least give it a few days more. I have this dumb fear that if she is reconsidering, I don't want to be the one to close that door by going NC too soon. Yeah, this is dumb, but I'm really hurting and I'm just grasping at straws in desperation. But, straws are all I got.

I don't think it's dumb at all. As long you stick to whatever deadline you've given yourself and go NC when you are entirely satisfied that you are not the one who has closed the door. This is what I have done with my estranged wife.

[me1234]

This is what I have done with my estranged wife.

 

What was your experience with that?

 

As an update to my situation, it's my Bday today, and she texted me last night at 11:30pm saying happy bday. She asked how I am and asked if I was out. I of course fibbed a bit, said I'm doing well and that I'm out for a bit, and I also asked how she was. She said "i'm good. have fun! goodnight".

 

On one hand I'm thinking "well, she's thinking of me, which is good", but the reality of it probably is that she's just being nice and it means nothing.

 

I have to remind myself not to read too much into her contact, because if she truly wanted to be with me, she'd let me know in clear terms. Unfortunately, convincing my mind of this fact is easier said than done.

[me1234]

Another update:

I received a phone call at work from her today, wishing me happy bday (again). We talked for only a few minutes as she was at work too, but she brought up me being out last night and asked who I was with. I told her it was a female friend of mine and her friends (whom my ex has previously been jealous of because some of my friend's friends developed interest in me). During my contact w/ my ex over the weekend, I told her I was with this girl and her friends last Friday night as well, which may have prompted her to ask today who I was with last night.

 

Maybe I'm playing a bit of a game here, but my intent is to try to make her realize that I'm putting myself out there and not sitting around. Maybe she'll realize she could lose me and this will strike a nerve w/ her? Then again, I'm likely just expressing false hope again.

 

However, if I do want her back, are there any strategies I can follow? Or is it hopeless?

[2ndIINone]

Maybe I'm playing a bit of a game here, but my intent is to try to make her realize that I'm putting myself out there and not sitting around.

 

good.

 

She's probably expecting you to beg and whine for her back. Don't.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

What was your experience with that?

It's ongoing.

 

Current situation is that I am entirely happy that the break up was/is entirely due to her issues alone. I am also happy that I done all I can to resolve our conflicts. Consequently I have moved on (partying, dating, planning my future without her etc), guilt free and without bitterness. I've very happily gone NC but she always finds ways to ensure that we have some form of contact.

 

I still love her but my strongest feeling right now is pity - I feel sorry for her. I will always be available to talk reconciliation if she ever wants that. If that happens I have no idea where it will go, but I'm not holding my breath .

 

Maybe I'm playing a bit of a game here, but my intent is to try to make her realize that I'm putting myself out there and not sitting around. Maybe she'll realize she could lose me and this will strike a nerve w/ her? Then again, I'm likely just expressing false hope again.

 

However, if I do want her back, are there any strategies I can follow? Or is it hopeless?

 

It'll take a while before the emotional stuff is done and you can think clearly again. In the meantime do whatever you think is best for you. If this means playing games then do that. Remember the old saying "all's fair in love and war". A break up is basically the mother of all rows and definitely war . So self-interest is the key until the situation settles in to a more civilised mode .

[silentcharon]

Seriously, seriously go NC !!! I was with my ex for 7 years, and I figured that I could try remaining friends with him. I went through hell with that, and I wish I went NC in the first place! It's been more than a year and everything is STILL a mess.

 

What your ex is doing no longer concerns you, her issues is her business alone. Don't play games, you'll get burned in the end. Focus on healing yourself, find some hobbies, get out there and have fun. Allow yourself to grieve the loss- but do not play games, I really advise against that. All it does is prevent you from truly moving on. Games are played only because you hope that it'll make her come back. She might, but she might not. Worst case scenario? You continue to play games thinking it's working, and then BAM! She's with someone else.

 

And where does that leave you? You'll be hurting a lot worse than you would be if you went NC in the first place.

 

Keep posting if you need to!

[Trialbyfire]

I agree with the no games policy but there's nothing wrong with letting her know you've been busy. I do find it interesting that she keeps contacting you so often. It means she hasn't completely moved on.

 

You sit on a precipice. You can push it off the ledge either way. It's up to you if you want to wait the few days and see what happens. Once you go NC, you effectively push her away.

 

Do not use NC to continue gaming. It is a healing process for you, for when you've given up on the chance for reconciliation.

[me1234]

It's ongoing.

 

Current situation is that I am entirely happy that the break up was/is entirely due to her issues alone. I am also happy that I done all I can to resolve our conflicts.

This sounds similar to my situation in that although I am the dumpee, she was the one who caused many of our issues with her immaturity, jealousy, and attention demanding ways. That in itself would be acceptable, provided she made a committment to improve, but she did not. I had my issues too, but when she pointed them out, I made a change for the better, which she agrees with. She on the other hand was stuck in her ways and unwilling to improve. I suppose I felt a bit like the "rescuer" or "fixer", as if it was my role to help her improve her life. Although I've often tried to help her in these areas, she's always resisted change. Her lack of improvement caused many senseless arguments along the way, and she's pointed out our "disagreements" as one of the reasons she's left. A bit ironic.

[me1234]

She called again yesterday late in the afternoon to apologize that she had to keep the convo short earlier in the day, and we talked for a good 10 mins. Her contact continued later as she drunk dialed me. I was asleep so we didn't speak, but the situation complicates a bit as I heard from a friend that last night, she was calling a guy (who used to be my friend) whom she's pursued in the past while we were together - which caused some issues in itself. Seems as though she's pursuing this guy again, but she's still contacting me as well.

 

So, she calls me at work this morning, and we briefly talked before I brought up her pursuit of my ex friend. This guy is toxic and she knows it, a real dog, and I tried to keep my point as nonconfrontational as I could in saying that I care for her and she deserves better than that. I also said I, as her friend, deserve better than that, as pursuing one of my friends isn't exactly a respectful thing to do. I went on to say that if she continues to disrespect herself (and me) in this manner, I may need to reconsider being her friend. She said she really wants to still be friends and asked how I could throw away all those years - but I pointed out it is her who is making decisions w/ her actions, and I am merely responding. She asked if I was interested in any girls and how soon I think I'd date, to which I responded I'm doing well and may consider testing the waters soon. She asked about my female friend and her friends (a topic of jealousy) and asked if I was interested in any of them. I said I wasn't sure and would have to see, to which she responded "i always knew you may date one of them someday". She went on, "that's good that you're moving on, i don't want to see you hurting, it hurts me to see you hurt". But, is she definitely speaking the full truth here though, especially considering her barrage of contact? Is it possible she's just saying this, playing a game to test my reaction? All the contact she's made certainly is confusing me. She had to go back to work, but said we should talk more about this later tonight.

 

In my efforts to get her back, how should I handle the conversation tonight? I don't want to seem pushy, and I don't want to issue ultimatums. But I also feel the need to let her know that she can't disrespect me and expect me to be her friend.

 

With regards to how what she's doing is affecting her, I'm thinking of taking the "loving and caring" approach, by saying I love and care for her as a person and want to see her make wise choices and be happy, and that this guy will only hurt her (which is something she already knows and agrees w/). Good idea, or no? Also, if the conversation steers into why we're not together, should I go with it, or change the subject? I don't want her to associate talking with me as talking about problems - I'd ideally like her to fall for me again, not run from me. Likely this is impossible, but I still feel encouraged to try, at least for the short term.

[2ndIINone]

In my efforts to get her back, how should I handle the conversation tonight?

Don't have one.

 

Seriously... DO NOT talk to her.... at all... drag it out until she actually comes knocking on your door.... and she will. She's pursuing some 'other' guy now... and calling you. Don't be second best. VANISH off the face of the earth.... cause you're being way to nice and easy on her.

 

With regards to how what she's doing is affecting her, I'm thinking of taking the "loving and caring" approach, by saying I love and care for her as a person and want to see her make wise choices and be happy, and that this guy will only hurt her (which is something she already knows and agrees w/). Good idea, or no?

 

Aaaaaaaaack! God forbid! Don't you dare try the loving and caring approach... it'll be your worst enemy... loving and caring approach is EXACTLY what got you into this mess..... learn from your past man!

Read everbody's posts and threads on LS..... the best advice you'll ever need is sitting right here in LS.... Look at what everybody else does.... (newbies) and do the opposite.... please.

[me1234]

Don't have one.

 

Seriously... DO NOT talk to her.... at all... drag it out until she actually comes knocking on your door.... and she will. She's pursuing some 'other' guy now... and calling you. Don't be second best. VANISH off the face of the earth.... cause you're being way to nice and easy on her..

 

There seems to be some dissent on NC. Some suggest it will drive them away, others suggest it will make them wonder and bring them back. I have the fear that if I go NC it will drive her away.

 

 

 

Aaaaaaaaack! God forbid! Don't you dare try the loving and caring approach... it'll be your worst enemy... loving and caring approach is EXACTLY what got you into this mess..... learn from your past man!..

 

I've read some LS threads discussing the Blase Harris book "getting back your ex", and posters seemed happy with the results. One of the facets of the strategy is to be loving and supporting, but not overbearing or dependent. This is basically what I've been trying so far - being a friend, being supportive, not moping or pleading, etc etc - and it's seemed to work a bit as she's been contacting me more and more. If I go NC, I fear the lines of communication will close and I won't have a chance to continue to sell myself as the confident guy she fell for long ago. If I go NC, I feel that since I won't be in her life, I'll just be a memory, easy to forget. Am I wrong in this thinking? I do also see your point though that if I'm totally out of her life, maybe only then can she realize how much (or little) I mean to her. I see both sides....so confused.

[Trialbyfire]

I would ask her point blank why she has continued to contact you and let her know that while you still care for her, you don't want to be used.

 

As for being supportive as a friend, don't be friends with her if you still feel that you want her back. You do not want to become the emotional sounding board for her. Also, don't try to control her choices. Regardless of what you personally feel is good for her, it's her life. Keep in mind that you're human and any advice coming from you will be coloured by the fact that you still want her back.

[2ndIINone]

Blase Harris book "getting back your ex",

 

Blase made millions by selling his book to people hangin' from a string that didn't know any better. Got me for $10.00 awhile back...

If I go NC, I feel that since I won't be in her life, I'll just be a memory, easy to forget. Am I wrong in this thinking?

 

Yes.... you're wrong. She WON'T forget you.

 

Keep in mind that you're human and any advice coming from you will be coloured by the fact that you still want her back.

 

True.

[krzr]

listen to second he speaks the truth

[silentcharon]

2nd is right. It's human nature to want what we can't have. Go NC immediately! How will she miss you if you're still there? Trust us, she won't forget you. Give it at least a week, then keep going, week 2, week 3 and so on.

 

She STILL has you, and she knows it- why would she want you back if you're still there?

[chryssy83]

Hey I posted a reply to your question in my "Update" thread and then went looking for your story.

 

My advice as someone who got back with the dumper...

 

Start moving on. Don't be available. Don't talk to her about who she dates/what she does. If she's interested she'll ask or find out that you've been keeping busy. Best case, you start moving on and she comes back. Worst case, you meet someone really special who you spend the rest of your life with. (Sometimes I get "best" and "worst" mixed up....only time will tell...).

 

Make her work for it. Stop spilling your guts. You aren't in a position to get in ANY relationship until you're not just doing it to heal the pain you feel right now. The pain diminishes as you move on. Work out. Date. Socialize. Cry sometimes, but less and less each day. The goal is happiness, and it can be achieved with or without her.

 

There is no reason to talk to her constantly (twice a day, every day in a row, etc.). Friends don't do that...if she leaves a message with a reason to talk, call her back. If she leaves no message or just says "calling to chat," she can wait for a call-back. I was big into calling him back when I was on the way somewhere--hey, I'm busy because I'm going to x but I have a few minutes to talk to you. Yeah, so I'm there now and I have to go but I will talk to you later. Stuff like that. It works and it disciplines you so that the "quick call" doesn't last for hours.

 

Etc., etc., etc.

[CaliGuy]

There seems to be some dissent on NC. Some suggest it will drive them away, others suggest it will make them wonder and bring them back. I have the fear that if I go NC it will drive her away.

 

That "fear" of driving her away will become a reality if you chase her moreso than if you go NC. Going NC doesn't drive them away. It makes you a stronger, more confident person. Going NC proves to you that you don't need someone.

 

Fear of NC is the reason why some people NEVER heal. It's because they are so stuck on their ex that they think "If I am not around, they won't think about me."

 

On the contrary, the less you are around someone who loves you, the MORE they miss you. The MORE they think about you.

 

If she really loves you and wants you back, "hanging around" her won't do it. You need to show her what life is like without you. There's no guarantee that NC will bring them back, but contact will most certainly push them away when you aren't in the right frame of mind (ie: if you are not confident, self-assured, independent and happy).

 

I've read some LS threads discussing the Blase Harris book "getting back your ex", and posters seemed happy with the results. One of the facets of the strategy is to be loving and supporting, but not overbearing or dependent. This is basically what I've been trying so far - being a friend, being supportive, not moping or pleading, etc etc - and it's seemed to work a bit as she's been contacting me more and more. If I go NC, I fear the lines of communication will close and I won't have a chance to continue to sell myself as the confident guy she fell for long ago. If I go NC, I feel that since I won't be in her life, I'll just be a memory, easy to forget. Am I wrong in this thinking? I do also see your point though that if I'm totally out of her life, maybe only then can she realize how much (or little) I mean to her. I see both sides....so confused.

 

Yes, you are wrong in this thinking. If she really wanted to be with you, nothing would stop her from being with you. If she left you because you were distant, cold and un-loving, then maybe the Blaise Harris book will work. If she left you for any other reason, you're wasting your money on that book.

 

You need to focus on the ONLY thing you control in your life and that is YOU. Not her. You can't control her, only yourself. You can't fix her, only yourself. You can't make her love you, only she can come around when she's had enough time away from you to figure her life out.

 

Nothing is a greater turn off in a relationship than insecurity such as chasing, begging, pleading, crying, lavishing them with gifts, etc. It's REPULSIVE when they don't feel the same way about you.

 

Until she does, save all the mushy stuff for after the wedding. In the meantime, focus on YOU and ONLY YOU. Forget what she is doing, who she is with, what she is thinking. None of that is under your control and you will burn emotional energy, wasting precious energy, on things you just have no control over.

[Trialbyfire]

NC is also the passive-aggressive way to sabotage a healthy way to communicate. I agree with the no begging, pleading or whining, that's simply being needy but adults can discuss issues and get by them. NC can and is frequently abused because it puts pride before all.

[CaliGuy]

NC is also the passive-aggressive way to sabotage a healthy way to communicate. I agree with the no begging, pleading or whining, that's simply being needy but adults can discuss issues and get by them. NC can and is frequently abused because it puts pride before all.

 

How so? If this person dumped you and moved on (supposively) and you really want to move on then NC is the ONLY option. They made the choice to dump you, they need to live with their choice.

 

NC is abused ONLY when it's used as a tool to (at least to try to) manipulate them back into your life (all the while you are doing nothing to heal and move on).

 

NC, when used correctly, gives you the space YOU need to heal and move on. And how do you know that the dumper isn't keeping you on a string, on the back burner, while they're dating someone else. Personally, if they are dating someone else then what's the need to talk to someone you dumped? I don't get it.

 

The HEALTHY way to communicate is to resolve the problems that are destroying your relationship BEFORE you pull the trigger and end it. I realize hindsight is 20/20 but still, if you want to talk about healthy aspects of communication in a relationship, well, you need to be IN a relationship with someone and communicating effectively.

 

Once the relationship ends the rules of communication change. It goes from "We're dating and we should talk" to "You dumped me and now have no right to know what's going on in my life."

 

Thus NC.

 

And really, unless they are saying the magic words "I screwed up, I want you back and I really want to work things out" then why are you talking to an ex? What can you possibly gain from a friendship with an ex? What can you get from an ex, friendship wise, that you couldn't get from your REAL friends?

 

*scratches head*