He's not ready...I don't understand

[inloveintexas]

My boyfriend and I met in college when I was 18 and he was 20. We have been dating for 4 and a half years. We have never broken up (we don't believe it breaking up and getting back together). Our relationship is what I would consider healthy. Although we have been long-distance the entire 4 1/2 years we make time weekly to see each other. We talk daily on the phone and I rarely feel like he not making me enough of a priority. We have occasional fights but always make up. I am so happy with him and have known that I want to spend the rest of my life with him for a long time...and he has told me the same. The problem is...he says hes not ready.

 

He graduated last year and has a good, well-paying job. So I know he isn't concerned about supporting us. I graduate in December but I have a feeling he has no intention of getting married any time near then. All he says is that he dosen't feel ready. He took me to look at rings 2 years ago (which made me think it was coming soon) but later told me that it was just bcause he wanted to prove to me that he was committed. I bug him about it a lot and he has a problem with telling me what I want to hear at the time...then going back on it later.

 

I don't know why he isn't ready. All my family and friends think it is coming any day now but I know it is still many months if not years away. I am 23 now and he is 24 and I don't think that is too young to get married...especially with a realtionship as good as ours. Can someone shed light onto my boyfriend's hesitation? I don't believe he is leading me on...he is just now always as good at communication as I would like him to be. Even my mom is starting to doubt him and I am in the position of having to defend this relationship and its taking a toll on me.

 

He won't tell me why he isn't ready. Just that he dosen't feel mature enough. He won't tell me when he thinks he might be ready (even if I ask him "do you think you'll be ready in 2 years...5 years..."), he says he is afraid to commit to a time because I will hold him to it and get mad if it dosen't work out.

 

I don't want to give him an ultimatum but I feel I am at my wit's end. Should I put up with it and just keep my mouth shut and wait?

[Star Gazer]

I am 23 now and he is 24 and I don't think that is too young to get married....

 

Well, clearly your BF does. I agree. But instead of asking why he isn't ready, ask yourself why are you so eager? Don't rush it. If it's meant to be, it will be...right? You're only 23. You have no idea how truly young you are.

[LucreziaBorgia]

"I'm not ready" = "I like the relationship the way it is, and do not want to take it to the marriage level"

 

It would be easier if he just came right out and told you that he doesn't want to get married, instead of giving you the "I'm not ready" line, but then again if he was honest with you and told you that - the relationship would change in negative ways. At least with "I'm not ready" he can more or less keep the relationship intact.

 

I can tell you this though - the more you make this relationship about marriage and keep backing him into a corner about it, the sooner it will end. He doesn't want to get married, and you need to accept that. If you can't accept that, you need to break up with him and move on.

[adnCat]

I think a few things could be happening here.

 

1) What LucreziaBorgia said. He's leading you on, saying what he must to keep you happy, and will never marry you or anyone else. How does he feel about marriage? What are the influences in his life that might make him feel that way? Are his parents divorced?

 

2) He can see marrying you, but really isn't ready. You need to get a straight answer from him about why he isn't ready. He might just feel that he doesn't want to get married until a certain age. The key with a guy not being ready is that it should be for one, specific, good reason. No reasons is bad, and multiple reasons is bad, too.

 

3) He isn't ready to marry could mean that he does not want to marry you. This is the toughest pill to swallow, but I think it is also the least likely scenario. A person wouldn't spend 4 years with someone if they didn't think they were right together. Although I'm sure some people would argue otherwise.

 

4) He really thinks that you are not ready. You seem to look at your relationship through rose colored glasses. You say communication is great, and you don't think he is leading you on. But he won't share his feelings on why he isn't ready. That isn't not good communication. And he flat out admitted that he took you to see rings just to please you. You also admit that he'll say the "right" thing only to take it back later. This is not good communication. He isn't being honest with you.

 

Really, the best scenario is #2. This is exactly what happened to me. We started dating at 19 and 21, and I was ready at year 4, when I was about to graduate. But he wasn't ready. He had a decent reason (career related) but it was still difficult to understand. (There was no reason he couldn't work on it while married.) We both said we wanted marriage with each other, but the question of when was a huge point of tension. I posted to boards like this at year 7. People told me he was leading me on and I started to doubt him. I made a decision that I would stay until a certain date. I told myself that it was my decision to stay in the relationship, so when that date came, I would leave, and I could not be mad at him for "leading me on," since it was my decision to stay until that date. I tried to let the marriage issue rest, and focused on building my own life, one that could continue should I end up leaving. But I still lived every moment with him to the level that our relationship deserved- with the utmost love and respect. Heck, if there was a chance that I might leave the relationship, and I had decided I was okay with waiting x months, why not enjoy every minute of it to the best of my ability? I was having the best time, and the point of tension, the question of when, was on the back burner. Which was great, because without that tension, our relationship grew and strengthened. He was able to remember how great we were together without the marriage issue looming overhead. When he finally proposed (shortly before the end of our 8th year together), it was a huge surprise, and I loved that it was a decision on his part born out of his true feelings, and not pressure from me or anyone else. We are so happy. We've set a date and we are so excited to get married.

 

Read Closing the Deal: Two Married Guys Take You from Single Miss to Wedded Bliss by Daniel Rosenberg & Richard Kirshenbaum. There are a couple of chapters called "the bluff" and "cutting bait" that will be useful to you. Beware that the "bluff" is not a bluff, but a serious personal decision to leave that you must stick to. It's a bad title for the chapter.

 

I suggest you let it go for a while, and do not let the relationship advance to another level (like living together, taking long overnight vacations together, attending one another's family gatherings) until you have a commitment. You cannot give any more of yourself to him until you know he is commited, and you don't know if he is at this point. Act like his girlfriend, not his fiance or wife. If he wants the stuff that fiances and wives do, he has to make you a fiance or wife! This might sound a little old fashioned, but you are asking for people's opinions here. Not to say that I followed my own advice, as I did take long (month long) vacations with him, and I did go to his family's Christmas celebrations. (I did wise up and skip Xmas with his family after I decided on the deadline. Everybody missed me, wondered why I didn't come, and asked him when we were getting married and what the hold up was. Translation- she's a great girl, don't screw this up!) Don't press the issue. He might get you that ring just to shut you up, but then you'll have problems getting him to set a date. Ask yourself how long is okay to be with him if it does not end in marriage. Don't feel helpless, like you cannot do anything but wait. Your life is in nobody's hands except your own. If you feel it is his decision to propose, that is fine. But it is always your decision to wait or not.

[Woggle]

If he isn't ready then he isn't ready. He might not want to end up like one of the men on here who did everything right and their wives still walked out.

[a4a]

Hey OP why the rush to run down the aisle?????

[bab]

I bet he still feels young and just doesn't want to be married right now. He probably wants to just enjoy finally having a job, and living on his own right now before jumping into a lifelong commitment. Your boyfriend doesn't sound immature at all. To me he sounds like he's taking this marriage thing very seriously and wants to be sure that he's ready to be your husband with no "what would it be like to only have myself as my responsibility?" type reservations.

 

Another thing that jumped out at me, is that you say:

"I know he isn't concerned about supporting us."

Are you not going to help support yourself? And hey, maybe he feels like he'll sound to shallow, but maybe he wants to enjoy his new found wealth without worrying about you for a bit longer. Keep having full control over his finances.

[inloveintexas]

"I'm not ready" = "I like the relationship the way it is, and do not want to take it to the marriage level"

 

It would be easier if he just came right out and told you that he doesn't want to get married, instead of giving you the "I'm not ready" line, but then again if he was honest with you and told you that - the relationship would change in negative ways. At least with "I'm not ready" he can more or less keep the relationship intact.

 

I can tell you this though - the more you make this relationship about marriage and keep backing him into a corner about it, the sooner it will end. He doesn't want to get married, and you need to accept that. If you can't accept that, you need to break up with him and move on.

 

I have asked him, point blank, "do you just need an easy out? Is it easier to say you're not ready than you're not the right one?". I don't believe that he feels that way but I don't want to be led on. I told him, "I'm giving you the option of leaving me right now. I'll be ok...it will be hard but it'll be much much harder down the road". He acted shocked and almost started to cry. He thought that I was trying to leave him. I am convinced the last thing he wants is to leave me. Unfortunatly, his timeline isn't the same as mine.

 

In fact, I think he is just afraid he is going to lose me over this issue as I am afriad of losing him. I had reached a point a few times where I didn't think I could take it anymore. Although I know it wasn't true, I felt like him not ready to marry me was the same as me not being good enough. It messes with my mind and does bad things for my confidence in my realtionship.

 

As to the post that said we clearly do not have good communication...we have come a long way. Our families are very different when it comes to communication. My mom is a psychologist so I grew up talking A LOT. His family is a working farm family...and they're a nose-to-the-grindstone, get things done kinda family. They're the strong silent type. He has opened up to me so much since we have started dating, he knows that it is something that he constantly has to work on and he is trying. So yes...considering where we both came from...our communication is very good...and improving every day.

[quankanne]

His family is a working farm family...and they're a nose-to-the-grindstone, get things done kinda family. They're the strong silent type.

 

this is very revealing, to me at least. My guess is that because he's got those "farm boy" values, marriage isn't something you enter into lightly, even when you feel you're with the person you want to marry. He may feel that he needs to establish himself AND let you get things (like) college under your belt before you tackle as something as huge as marriage. Because this is what I've seen where I grew up: You make sure that you are capable of supporting a spouse and family BEFORE you make that commitment.

[inloveintexas]

Thanks for the advice adn. I just purchased the book on Amazon. As far as your comments, I think...

1) He takes marriage very very seriously. I like that about him. His parents were married for at least 30 years. Same with his grandparents. However, both his older siblings are both going through messy divorces right now. But...our relationships are nothing like their's. They made rash decisions at a young age or because of a pregnacy. One of the things that may be a huge influence right now is the fact that his mother passed away a year and a half ago. It has been very traumatic for him and his dad basically shut down. Now, he is having to assume the role in his family as the parental figure because his 2 older siblings need support and his youngest sibling is struggling with depression issues and his dad and grandmother are both in poor health. This is a lot of responsibility for a 24 year old and a lesser man wouldn't be there as he has choosen to be.

 

2) I think that he can see marrying me, but really isn't ready. I'm trying to get a straight answer. I think the lack of an answer indicates his difficulty expressing it, not a lack of committment. He has mentioned not feeling mature enough, wanting our professional lives to be at a point where they can compliment our marriage not conflict with it. You said, "The key with a guy not being ready is that it should be for one, specific, good reason. No reasons is bad, and multiple reasons is bad, too." In the past he has given me reasons and I shoot them down or try to talk him out of them. I think that is another reason for his reluctance to give me a specific reason. I want to take that reason and fix it and then, in my mind, head down the isle!

 

3) Only in my deepest darkest fears is this scenario true ("He isn't ready to marry could mean that he does not want to marry you."). He tells me all the time that he does want to marry me and he is always working towards it. And I agree, a person wouldn't spend 4 years with someone if they didn't think they were right together!

 

4) I talked about this in another post...but I don't think I look through the relationship through "rose-colored glasses". We have discussed the honesty issue and he admited having a "people-pleasing" problem. He is aware of it, I am aware of it. And we talk about it...and in the last few months he has gotten much better about telling me the truth...no matter how much it may hurt. In fact, I got him to admit that there was not going to be a proposal before May, which was really difficult for him. But it prevented me from looking foward to something when he just gives me a generic answer like, "maybe...maybe not."

 

"without that tension, our relationship grew and strengthened. He was able to remember how great we were together without the marriage issue looming overhead."

 

Probably one of the best points I have heard so far. So how do I let it go? How do I get rid of all those feelings that I feel I have to unload? And why is it up to me to do all the accomodating?

 

And where should I draw the line at being a girlfriend? We spend weekends together and I am helping him with the huge task of cleaning out his parent's old house after his mom passed away. I don't want to be insensetive or for him to feel like I am not being there for him. But this is something that i have mentioned to him before. That if he expects me to do the duties of a wife, he needs to marry me. It is unfair that he expects so much without the marrital committment in return.

 

We also made the choice, after 1 year of being sexualy active, to not have sex anymore and wait for marriage. It has been a mutual decision that we are still both glad that we made. That tidbit may/may not influence your advice.

[adnCat]

"without that tension, our relationship grew and strengthened. He was able to remember how great we were together without the marriage issue looming overhead."

 

Probably one of the best points I have heard so far. So how do I let it go? How do I get rid of all those feelings that I feel I have to unload? And why is it up to me to do all the accomodating?

 

It is so hard to let go of the issue. I can say for me that it was a exercise in faith that it was going to happen- it was just a matter of when. I came to these boards to vent my feelings on the issue. If a friend and her bf of 6 months just got engaged, obviously it turned my stomach to think that after 6 years I was still not engaged! And you'll have to do the accomodating because every team is only as strong as it's weakest member. Meaning, if marriage was the finish line of a race in which you two were attached at the hip, and he refused to move faster than 3 mph, there is no way you are finishing in a 6 mph pace. Again, this is all assuming you are both aiming for the same finish line.

 

It sounds like you are talking strides in nurturing a good relationship by working on things that like his tendency to be people pleasing without regard to the truth. Maybe he needs a little more reassurance that if you get married, it will not turn into a divorce situation like his siblings' marriages have.

 

This might sound weird, but I read on a forum someplace that a couple was going through pre-marital counseling, even though they weren't even engaged. I thought it was weird, like they were jumping the gun a bit. But consider that the couple felt so strongly about marriage and commitment (much like your bf seems to feel), and consider that engagement is a promise to marry, and continuing the chain, marriage is a promise to spend the rest of your life with that one person. So, through this slightly convoluted chain of logic, it isn't a bad idea to make sure you can keep a promise of a promise before you make it, right? I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and he could understand it. So I started looking for some pre-marital resources we could work through together. I really liked "great expectations" by toben and joanne heim. It has a strong Christian flavor to it, which might not be your cup of tea, but I think the content is excellent. They talk a lot about different family backgrounds, much like you mentioned that talking about feelings the way you did as a child was such a stark difference from that of your partners. We had barely gotten into in when the surprise proposal struck!

 

Anyway, if you get out of him that he can see marrying you, but he just doesn't know when, I think some pre-engagement homework, like reading a book together, could be a good idea. But only if he really can see marrying you and it is really only a matter of when.

 

I can understand his desire to have things a little more set in the career arena. And I can totally understand your desire to take his reasons and fix them! That was totally me 4 years ago. I think you'll both have to find a middle ground on this one.

 

I think what you are doing now (in terms of acting like a girlfriend v. a wife) is fine, and I especially applaud you on your decision to abstain until marriage. I didn't do this, but he always known that living together was not going to happen until we were married.

[inloveintexas]

This might sound weird, but I read on a forum someplace that a couple was going through pre-marital counseling, even though they weren't even engaged. I thought it was weird, like they were jumping the gun a bit. But consider that the couple felt so strongly about marriage and commitment (much like your bf seems to feel), and consider that engagement is a promise to marry, and continuing the chain, marriage is a promise to spend the rest of your life with that one person. So, through this slightly convoluted chain of logic, it isn't a bad idea to make sure you can keep a promise of a promise before you make it, right? I mentioned this to my boyfriend, and he could understand it. So I started looking for some pre-marital resources we could work through together. I really liked "great expectations" by toben and joanne heim. It has a strong Christian flavor to it, which might not be your cup of tea, but I think the content is excellent. They talk a lot about different family backgrounds, much like you mentioned that talking about feelings the way you did as a child was such a stark difference from that of your partners. We had barely gotten into in when the surprise proposal struck!

 

Actually, our faith plays a major part in our relationship. So anything that incorporates our beliefs into this big decision is a good thing. We actually did something like pre-marriage counseling a few years ago when I realized that the way I dealt with anger was driving us apart. I didn't know how to fix things and realize we needed a mediator to help us, so we met with our pastor. We only talked to him once but it helped us immensely! We then read The Five Love Languages together, which helped us to understand each other's way of expressing love.

 

How do I find the program that you mentioned...and how do I bring up the subject to my bf without him feeling like this is just one more of my attempts to talk him into marriage?

 

And thanks for all your advice adn!!! I'm feeling the load lifting already!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have asked him, point blank, "do you just need an easy out?

 

Woah... woah! I didn't mean that wanted out of the relationship - I just meant that he didn't want to get married. He is probably perfectly happy with things the way they are, and no doubt loves you and wants to be with you. Being right for someone and having a long term relationship with them doesn't mean it has to result in marriage. I expect in his case, he just simply doesn't want to be married right now. The idea of marriage can be daunting, regardless of how much you love your partner.

 

That said, you will simply have to accept that he doesn't want to be married. Maybe one day things will change, but for now you will want to show him that he (and your relationship) means more to you than the idea of marriage. If you push on the marriage thing, he might start getting the idea that the idea of marriage means more to you than he does.

[a4a]

And where should I draw the line at being a girlfriend? We spend weekends together and I am helping him with the huge task of cleaning out his parent's old house after his mom passed away. I don't want to be insensetive or for him to feel like I am not being there for him. But this is something that i have mentioned to him before. That if he expects me to do the duties of a wife, he needs to marry me. It is unfair that he expects so much without the marrital committment in return.

 

We also made the choice, after 1 year of being sexualy active, to not have sex anymore and wait for marriage. It has been a mutual decision that we are still both glad that we made. That tidbit may/may not influence your advice.

 

I find that odd that you need a ring on your finger to treat him with kindness and help him. Would you not be willing to help a good friend?

 

Because he marries you - you then feel the desire to help him?

 

You never answered the question...... why rush to get married?

 

and Bab asked : are you expecting him to support you?

 

(if I missed the answer I apologize)

[fluffy0]

"Even my mom is starting to doubt him and I am in the position of having to defend this relationship and its taking a toll on me."

 

You said in your post that you are fairly sure he wants to marry you but are feel like you can't wait anymore. I think a big part of that is you mom and everyone else trying to tell you what you are supposed to do and what the "correct" time line for your relationship is. Maybe your boyfriend is sensing that you are being pressured by outside forces and is hesitant to get engaged because he thinks you are so eager to do it just because of what your family is saying.

 

First, I would tell your Mom and everyone else thats butting in that this is a sensitive subject for you right now, and you would appreciate it if they didn't talk about this to you or discuss it with anyone else. this relationship is between you and him, and you don't need to justify it to anyone else.

 

Second, like other people have said, just try to stop bringing up the issue for a while. Just ry to consentrate on your individual goals and on strengthening relationships with your friends, so that you ahve someone to lean on no matter what happens whith your boyfriend. If you feel like the marriage topic is driving you crazy, set aside a specific time to talk about it, and don't do it too frequently. When you do talk, don't whine or beg him for a proposal, and don't try to put him into a corner.

 

Don't bring up the issue at every chance you get, you will sound like a whiny kid who is trying to wear down her parents into getting her something. You want to look mature, so he takes you seriously.

 

Whatever you do DO NOT mention that you wantt to get engaged faster because of what your family is thinking. This is a very bad reason and it will make you look immature to him.

 

I am somewhat in the same situation as you although my boyfriend is a little more open to talking about it now. Good luck, I hope you get what you wish for!

[inloveintexas]

I find that odd that you need a ring on your finger to treat him with kindness and help him. Would you not be willing to help a good friend?

 

Because he marries you - you then feel the desire to help him?

 

You never answered the question...... why rush to get married?

 

and Bab asked : are you expecting him to support you?

I don't need a ring on my finger to treat him with kindness and help him at all! In fact, I have done nothing but be there for him through all the difficulties that he has been through, not because I had to, but because I loved him and would never make him go through things alone. I was responding to a recommendation made by adnCat in a previous post. I do agree with her though, that being a girlfriend has certain limitations. But I don't think that means that I am not there for him!

 

The rush to get married is simple...I love him. I have been deeply in love with him for four and a half years. All the cliches about love are true when I am with him. We have been through so much together and always emerge from the storm clinging to each other and more in love. I am tired of being LD and am ready to merge our lives.

 

Finally, I absolutly do not expect him to financially support me. He is the one concerned about "supporting" and "providing", which I think is more of a philosophy than the way things will be. After graduation I will be making close to his income so how much he makes is irrelevant to me. But it is important to him to be the "man" and be able "take care" of me...even if thats not how it really works out.

[adnCat]

Actually, our faith plays a major part in our relationship. So anything that incorporates our beliefs into this big decision is a good thing. We actually did something like pre-marriage counseling a few years ago when I realized that the way I dealt with anger was driving us apart. I didn't know how to fix things and realize we needed a mediator to help us, so we met with our pastor. We only talked to him once but it helped us immensely! We then read The Five Love Languages together, which helped us to understand each other's way of expressing love.

 

How do I find the program that you mentioned...and how do I bring up the subject to my bf without him feeling like this is just one more of my attempts to talk him into marriage?

 

And thanks for all your advice adn!!! I'm feeling the load lifting already!

 

I would say before you can bring up the subject, you need to ask him if he isn't sure about you, or if he isn't sure about marriage or the timing. If he is sure about you, I think you can tell him that you love him and you are willing to wait a bit until he is more comfortable with marriage or the time is right- but that you are not going to wait forever. Tell him in the meantime, during his getting ready period and your waiting period, you'd like to work on your relationship so that when the time comes, you both have a super solid foundation for a lasting, loving marriage. Explain to him that it makes logical sense to find out if you can keep a promise before you make it. Flat out tell him it is not an attempt to talk to him about marriage, but it is something you want to do to grow and improve your relationship.

 

As for that "program," it is actually a book. I first heard about it through a radio broadcast in which the authors were the guests. I think the book is in the second edition now, and it has been re-titled "Happily Ever After: A Real Look at Your First Year of Marriage." You can get the old edition, "Great Expectations" at half.com for a few bucks. We listened the radio broadcast together first (available on CD from focus on the family), it basically summarizes the book. We listened to it together and whenever either one of us wanted to comment on it or talk about how we would do something, we just hit pause, had our discussion, and then continued with the CD. The authors, Toben and Joanne, are relatively young, and got married pretty young, so it is kind of cool since they are closer to your age.

 

Good luck. Remember, don't get into this until you are sure that to him, it is about the prospect and timing of marriage, and not about whether you are the right one!

[adnCat]

I don't need a ring on my finger to treat him with kindness and help him at all! In fact, I have done nothing but be there for him through all the difficulties that he has been through, not because I had to, but because I loved him and would never make him go through things alone. I was responding to a recommendation made by adnCat in a previous post. I do agree with her though, that being a girlfriend has certain limitations. But I don't think that means that I am not there for him!

 

That's right, I'm just saying that I think that being a girlfriend has certain limitations, not that she should be unkind, unhelpful, or unsupportive! Again, this is my opinion and personal preference in terms of limitations. I have friends that have bought homes and had kids with their bfs of several years. I look at them and think that is so nice to have a home and family together. But, personally, I want to be married first! (by the way, the friend I'm referencing above does want to be married, and is still waiting for it. They bought that house maybe 4 years ago, and their kid is 3 now. Still waiting...) To some people, it is not just a piece of paper,it's a necessary precursor to certain things. I'm just saying that it isn't a bad idea to save some things for marriage. For me, that is living together and havign children. I was always there for my boyfriend, helping him out and emotionally supporting him through tough times, before we were engaged. I still stand by my advice to avoid living together and spending major holidays with his clan until he wants to make it official.

[stillafool]

I haven't taken the time to read all the posts so forgive me if I duplicate something.

 

I think 24 is too young for a man (or woman) to marry these days. I think your BF is right to take his time. If you have been dating for 4-1/2 years that means he has been dating you since he was 19. Maybe he needs to date other people before he settles down. Not to say he doesn't love you but as a young man he may need to get this out of his system. I didn't say that to hurt you but you have to be realistic.

 

Another thing, a 4-1/2 year long distance relationship is not the same as being married with married people problems. If you are this eager to get married at 23 then you will probably want to start having babies soon also. Is that why you said he could support you guys? Trust me, being married with or without children is a "whole nother ball of wax" than being gf and bf and dating.

 

You are only 23 why are you in such a hurry to marry?

[sean001]

I read through the posts and I just wanted to add one other consideration -- the loss of your boyfriend's mom. You mentioned you are still "cleaning out the house" and that the death was only what, about 1 1/2 years ago?

 

As a man who went through the sudden and tragic loss of my father, do NOT underestimate the effect on him, even if he "acts" like everything is ok (he's supposed to put that face on). When my dad died, I had to "take over" everything, do the estate, clean/sell the house, etc. I felt "too young" to be dealing with it even then (and I was in my LATE 20s). It was the most stressful and emotional situations I ever had to deal with in my entire life, and I was emotionally incapable of dealing with anything ele.

 

He may feel like he can't handle the pressure of anything emotional right now, and you've got to let him go through those feelings and get comfortable with it. It took a couple years for me to feel "ready" to handle something big after that loss, and it might be the same for him.

 

If you put too much pressure on him while he is still dealing with this, he will probably completely shut down emotionally. For myself, after all his estate was settled I came out feeling like a true "man" and even more committed to the importance of having a family and settling down. But it took a little while. He will probably emerge feeling the same way. Just a thought to consider.

[nyah]

stillafool, how can you say that 24 is too young for marriage? That's ridiculous! And also the comment that she must want babies soon because she wants to get married is an equally foolish comment. I was married at 21 and still happily married 5 years later. I feel like i've made the right desicions for my life and age was never an issue. Also there was definately no rush to have babies. The poster wants to marry her bf for all the right reasons so what difference does it make whether she's 24 or 34.

 

Anyway, back to the poster. Maybe you just need to sit down with your bf and have a chat with him about what it is exactly that's stopping him. Find out what his fears are and reassure him about them. Once you've done that, then just give him some space. Don't pressure him by bringing the subject up all the time. He needs to get his head around it and feel ready inside first. And whether it takes days, months, or years before he makes his decision. That's just something that you're going to have to choose to live with or not. It's not something you can force. But you can find out what his fears are, and reassure him as much as you can and hopefully he'll come around.

[MJTig]

"Even my mom is starting to doubt him and I am in the position of having to defend this relationship and its taking a toll on me."

 

You said in your post that you are fairly sure he wants to marry you but are feel like you can't wait anymore. I think a big part of that is you mom and everyone else trying to tell you what you are supposed to do and what the "correct" time line for your relationship is. Maybe your boyfriend is sensing that you are being pressured by outside forces and is hesitant to get engaged because he thinks you are so eager to do it just because of what your family is saying.

 

 

All well said.

 

MY DH and I are friends with another couple. They are married now but her and her family got on his case for not proposing. They harped on him and she got all wrapped up in it. He told my DH and later me that he waited until they got their act together before he did it.

 

It's easy to get wrapped up in the idea of marriage and assuming not engaged=not worth it. But he sounds like he takes it seriously, loves you very much and is reeling from the loss of his mom. I suggest that you take a step back and let it go for a while, you are getting a little obsessed.

 

I say that because I got a little obsessed about it too back then (though i wasn't showing it to him), and had to do the same thing... it helped so much!

[stillafool]

stillafool, how can you say that 24 is too young for marriage? That's ridiculous! And also the comment that she must want babies soon because she wants to get married is an equally foolish comment. I was married at 21 and still happily married 5 years later. I feel like i've made the right desicions for my life and age was never an issue. Also there was definately no rush to have babies. The poster wants to marry her bf for all the right reasons so what difference does it make whether she's 24 or 34.

 

How dare you call my opinion foolish! I am entitled to my opinion whether you agree with it or not. What's foolish is a girl who tries to make a young man marry her when he's not ready. Good for you that you married young and have 5 whole years together WOW!!!!! There's nothing wrong with graduating college, starting a career, meeting and dating different people and then deciding who you want to marry.

[catrocks]

 

 

How dare you call my opinion foolish! I am entitled to my opinion whether you agree with it or not. What's foolish is a girl who tries to make a young man marry her when he's not ready. Good for you that you married young and have 5 whole years together WOW!!!!! There's nothing wrong with graduating college, starting a career, meeting and dating different people and then deciding who you want to marry.

 

I agree, there is nothing wrong with wanting to graduate college, get a job etc before deciding to get married. There is also nothing wrong with wanting to marry the person you love, no matter what your age. I don't think that 23 is too young, but perhaps people would think I'm naive because I am 23 and getting married to my man, who is 27. Perhaps I am biased. I have seen people of all different ages marrying, staying together or divorcing and I don't believe age has anything to do with that - it's more than many people today enter into marriage with high expectations or not realising that it will still take time after the wedding to make the relationship continue to work. That is my opinion, but I respect what you are saying too.

 

I do, however, think that you are wrong to assume that because the poster wants to get married that she must want to start a family in the next couple of years. It might be the case. For me, I'm not even sure I want to have kids, and if I do I want to wait until my early 30s at least. But I still want to marry the man I love. It has nothing to do with kids, and everything to do with making a commitment to the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

To the original poster, I agree with adnCat's advice, and I hope you manage to get things sorted out, good luck!

[Guest]

I'm just passing through here, but I have to say....it'll happpen when it happens and not before. (Very profound, isn't it?!)

Seriously though, I've been going out with my boyfriend 4 years, and we are planning on spending our lives together. I'd like to get married very soon. Or at least in theory, I would. I know all the reasons why I want to, and he...doesn't really have any opinion on the subject other than "not anytime soon". Which is annoying, but if I look at myself and him honestly, I know in my heart of hearts, neither of us is ready. We still have a bit more growing to do! And considering we are both 24, out of college nearly 2 years, and in steady jobs, that may sound stupid. But it's true.

It's your life. Don't run into something because you think you should. Worse, don't force him into something. There's probably nothing wrong with him other than he is genuinely not ready. He's not yet at the stage where he wants these things. Give him a break, don't talk about it anymore. Are you genuinely ready for it too? The everyday boring stuff, the living with someone, and graduating and building a career all at once? Lots of pressure. Work isn't everything, but I was once told (by a very wise lady), you are not put on this earth for someone else to keep you. Get yourself a job, and a life, and enjoy yourself, and your relationship. He'll come to you when he's ready.