I kissed a married man and am falling in love!

[Fun2BMe]

I can't believe I'm posting in this forum. I am always against getting involved with a married person - BUT today I kssed a married man I've had a crush on and now it feels like we're on fire.

 

He is happily married but initiated the kiss, a full long one:love: whereas in the past I have initiated short friendly peck kisses.

 

Do I pursue this? He asked to see me later in the week and I have butterflies just thinking about him. I am falling in love with him, but I have to remind myself he's married and am not sure what to do.

 

I think he is the love of my life and don't want to miss the opportunity of having a future together. He used to talk about his wife (nice things) but lately he has not mentioned her so I can also assume they might be having problems though they seem happy together so I don't know, am so confused. Any advice?

[Storyrider]

Is it your therapist?

[Star Gazer]

Do you pursue this? Are you kidding me? HE-L-L NO!

 

DO NOT do this. Don't do it. You will regret it forever. It will NOT work out the way you're fantasizing.

[Fun2BMe]

Do you pursue this? Are you kidding me? HE-L-L NO!

 

DO NOT do this. Don't do it. You will regret it forever. It will NOT work out the way you're fantasizing.

 

 

I haven't read much in this forum to know how these things work out. Are you saying this out of your opinion based on it's wrong, or real scenerios? I used to be very against this too but I guess it's different when you're in the situation.

[Star Gazer]

I haven't read much in this forum to know how these things work out. Are you saying this out of your opinion based on it's wrong, or real scenerios? I used to be very against this too but I guess it's different when you're in the situation.

 

 

I'm telling you this from personal experience. In addition, I was on LS under a different name during that relationship, and watched woman after woman destroy her life and that of others by living in la-la-land like you are right now.

 

Do NOT do this.

[Trialbyfire]

Please read up in the OW/OM forum and find a happy story.

 

While it may be fun and exciting right now, due to your attraction to the MM involved, it won't stay that way...

[pelagicsands]

I can't believe I'm posting in this forum.

I just checked - it is you. Believe it.

I am always against getting involved with a married person - BUT

Exactly... but. I can't remember the last time I took my own advice. It's only really good enough for others. Know what I mean?

[dropdeadlegs]

The kiss has happened. Nothing can change that.

 

Have you considered going no further unless he initiates a divorce from his wife?

 

I understand attraction to a person that is hard to deny or reject. If he is interested in pursuing the attraction, he should be ending his marriage and doing so.

 

I once went so far as to sleep with a married man. I only did it once. The guilt was awful. Years later, long after his divorce, we had a relationship as FWB. We still have a connection, but it's still purely physical. 15 years have passed and it's nothing more than physical attraction and some shared mutual interests. I don't deny that although I am involved in a great relationship with a BF of 2.5 years that there is still that physical attraction, I just don't act on it. Most days he respects that, but he's had weak moments where I remained strong.

 

If he is feeling the same spark that you are, he will end the marriage. If he isn't ready to do that, I wouldn't advise investing your emotions in a married man. From what I have seen IRL the dividends are minimal.

[Woggle]

You are just a toy to him and this will bring you nothing but hurt and pain. I know that sounds harsh but that is the hard truth you need to hear. If I were you I would end this right now.

[Fun2BMe]

 

Have you considered going no further unless he initiates a divorce from his wife?

I was scared to post this in case I'd get a lot of negative attacks, but this is helpful to put me in reality. Just because we kissed, doesn't mean it has to go far. I have the power and right to demand he get a divorce. And if his response is such that that is not even a consideration, that'll save me a lot of time and heartache. Seems obvious but I just didn't think of it like that.

 

 

 

I once went so far as to sleep with a married man. I only did it once. The guilt was awful.

So far it's only been a kiss yet along with the excitement considering how much I had a crush on him, the guilt is also unexpectedly getting big.

 

 

If he is feeling the same spark that you are, he will end the marriage. If he isn't ready to do that, I wouldn't advise investing your emotions in a married man. From what I have seen IRL the dividends are minimal.

 

What does IRL stand for?

Yes, you are so right. I should take the future potential for hurt into consideration and at this important point before things go any further, at least discuss with him the consequences should I invest further emotion into it and what he would be willing to do for me as far as a future together. Thanks for the wake up info.

 

With all that said, I am so excited by the whole thing that after a few hours of sleep I got up because it is a very powerful feeling that is overwhelming me with emotions.

[Fun2BMe]

You are just a toy to him and this will bring you nothing but hurt and pain. I know that sounds harsh but that is the hard truth you need to hear. If I were you I would end this right now.

 

I really wouldn't say that I am just a toy to him. He's not a player type and he has deep feelings that are mutual. But I do need to consider the possible outcome before I take it any further, which I think I was blindly on the path of doing.

[Woggle]

I really wouldn't say that I am just a toy to him. He's not a player type and he has deep feelings that are mutual. But I do need to consider the possible outcome before I take it any further, which I think I was blindly on the path of doing.

 

If he is a married man cheating on his wife he is the player type. The best players usually don't seem like the player type.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He is happily married but initiated the kiss

 

He is bored and is looking for some excitement on the side - no more, no less. He saw the opportunity to take it further, and he did - knowing you would go for it.

 

Do I pursue this? He asked to see me later in the week and I have butterflies just thinking about him. I am falling in love with him, but I have to remind myself he's married and am not sure what to do.

 

Nope. But you will anyway. There is nothing any of us can say or do to stop it, either. You know what to do. You know what NOT to do. The guy is married. That means you don't mess with him. Period. But... you will do what all other OW do, and say "but its love, you can't help who you fall in love with" blah, blah, blah. You know its wrong, and you will do it anyway. At least admit that to yourself.

 

I think he is the love of my life and don't want to miss the opportunity of having a future together. He used to talk about his wife (nice things) but lately he has not mentioned her so I can also assume they might be having problems though they seem happy together so I don't know, am so confused. Any advice?

 

He isn't the love of your life. He is the married guy you are going to sleep with behind his wife's back. The love of your life is the guy who doesn't have to lie, betray, backstab or sneak around to see you. The love of your life won't have to hide you, won't have to frantically wash you off him after sex before going home to his wife. The love of your life won't promise you a future and reneg as soon as he is caught. The love of your life will spend weekends with you, holidays with you, will be able to spend nights with you.

 

I'm not sure why you would settle for this. Your only worth to him lies in how often you continue to put out and how well you can help him continue to lie and keep secrets to his wife. Don't believe me? Call his wife and tell her the truth. Think he'll still be the love of your life then?

 

Truth is, he's bored and looking for some excitement on the side. No more, no less. He won't tell you that though. He'll swear that he loves you, that he doesn't love his wife, that he needs you, that you are his soulmate, that he'll leave his wife, blah, blah, blah... and you'll eat up every word. It keeps you right where he wants you. Carrot and stick. Simple concept. Tell them what they want to hear, and you're guaranteed to have them where you want them. That is why its so easy to overlook the minor details like say... your own needs.

 

If you want to see just how sincere and "in love" this guy is, then do this one simple thing: tell him that you love him, and want to be with him but until he shows you signed and notarized divorce papers and a lease to his new home, he is not to contact you in any way, shape or form. Period. Then cut him off completely and walk away. Block every single form of contact he has, and do not respond in any way to his. If he corners you, ask to see his divorce papers and his lease. If he hesitates even a second, remind him of your terms and walk away.

 

If he wants to be with you, he will leave his wife, get that divorce, get his own place and he will come to you.

 

You have to understand though, that chances are he will simply let you walk away.

 

Then you'll see your worth to him.

 

Problem is, few OW are willing or able to handle seeing just how much they mean to the MM - or don't mean, as it were.

[Fun2BMe]

Problem is, few OW are willing or able to handle seeing just how much they mean to the MM - or don't mean, as it were.

 

When you start seeing a man, on your second date do you ask him to basically marry you? Would he fall in love with you that quickly, before you've even had sex? Or do you give it time, let things develop, at the least have sex and then see first for yourself if he is developing feelings and if yours are in fact as strong as you initially felt them to be.

 

Then you can get to the stage to handling finding out what you each mean to each other. I mean I can't realistically expect him to say he'd leave his wife for me this early on. We just kissed, and the sparks are starting. I do believe we're soulmates for sure. I'm scared if it's not a mutual feeling but I think so far it is but to be realistic don't I have to give it some time first to 'develop'?

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. I mean I can't realistically expect him to say he'd leave his wife for me this early on.

 

2. We just kissed, and the sparks are starting.

 

3. I do believe we're soulmates for sure.

 

4. I'm scared if it's not a mutual feeling but I think so far it is but to be realistic don't I have to give it some time first to 'develop'?

 

1. Realistically, you can't expect him to leave his wife at all.

 

2. I expect sex will happen the next time you two are alone. If you have any doubts about how much this is about sex, and not love - then tell him that you can't have any sexual interaction with him (including hugs and kisses) until he is divorced. You want time for this to "develop". He will try harder at first to break you down in order to have sex with you, but when you don't - he won't have any real reason to be with you anymore and will move on, probably to the next OW.

 

3. Your soulmate is the type of guy who cheats on his wife, and whose strongest ties to you are the lies that he has to tell in order to continue getting away with it? What does that say about you? Soulmates are equals. If he is a liar and a cheat, then what does that make you?

 

4. The feeling isn't mutual. You are in love, he is in lust. He is going to be your everything, you are going to be his disposable side item. Please do not fool yourself into thinking that there is anything mutual about an OW/MM relationship. He gets a life and a half, you get half. The acceptance of that is the key to the 'sucess' of your relationship.

[Ripples]

There seems to be no point in giving you any advice. As LB says you know it's morally bankrupt to have sexual contact with a married man, but it won't stop you; as evidenced in your last post, you're finding ways to justify it in your own mind.

[Fun2BMe]

There seems to be no point in giving you any advice. As LB says you know it's morally bankrupt to have sexual contact with a married man, but it won't stop you; as evidenced in your last post, you're finding ways to justify it in your own mind.

 

That's fine if you don't want to help me and are automatically concluding like LB that I've made up my mind already. Maybe if you read a couple posts up from my last one you'd read a few including:

 

"I was scared to post this in case I'd get a lot of negative attacks, but this is helpful to put me in reality. Just because we kissed, doesn't mean it has to go far. I have the power and right to demand he get a divorce. And if his response is such that that is not even a consideration, that'll save me a lot of time and heartache. Seems obvious but I just didn't think of it like that."

[Ripples]

And then you go on to say a load of bollox to justify going on with it. You only put that paragraph you quote to minimise your actions.

 

You come across in all your previous posts on the other forums as being self-obsessed and that will ensure you continue to not consider the man's wife in this nasty little situation.

[Fun2BMe]

1. Realistically, you can't expect him to leave his wife at all.

 

It's really way too early to determine that. You might be right, but I've heard of men leaving their wives for other women before. In fact I think it's more common than you think.

 

 

2. I expect sex will happen the next time you two are alone. If you have any doubts about how much this is about sex, and not love - then tell him that you can't have any sexual interaction with him (including hugs and kisses) until he is divorced. You want time for this to "develop". He will try harder at first to break you down in order to have sex with you, but when you don't - he won't have any real reason to be with you anymore and will move on, probably to the next OW.

Seriously LB, you shouldn't be so cold as to say "I expect sex will happen the next time you two are alone." If I was that set on it, and my life ruled by animal instincts and desire, I wouldn't be so torn over it and posting here to get advice on what to do.

 

So far, we have only kissed. We have not discussed sex. For all i know he might say it was a bad idea, I might say it was a bad idea, I DON'T KNOW and I am trying to figure out what to do.

 

Maybe you are imagining some sleazy man who will move on to the OW. Until this happened, I have always been against having relations with married people, so this is an unusually extreme situation where the man is very kind and loyal but our love for each other seems to be very deep.

 

In fact, what if I were to initiate sex and he rejected me? It's not like he's set on having sex with me and if I say no he'll just go to another woman. He's not doing this out of boredom. I'm the one who initiated all the little kisses and after several months, he turned my initiated kiss into a French kiss. In fact, this could all be my fault. I don't know yet how he feels and if he or I would be willing to have sex any time soon but the possibility exists since I am thinking about it, so I am trying to sort things out.

 

 

3. Your soulmate is the type of guy who cheats on his wife, and whose strongest ties to you are the lies that he has to tell in order to continue getting away with it? What does that say about you? Soulmates are equals. If he is a liar and a cheat, then what does that make you?

Calm down, so far it's been a kiss. I'm trying to figure things out. What if he does say wait until I divorce. what if we decide not to have sex. This is where we have to act like humans and not animals and try to make a good decision. And yes, maybe we are soulmates and we have to figure out how to make things work.

 

4. The feeling isn't mutual. You are in love, he is in lust. He is going to be your everything, you are going to be his disposable side item. Please do not fool yourself into thinking that there is anything mutual about an OW/MM relationship. He gets a life and a half, you get half. The acceptance of that is the key to the 'sucess' of your relationship.

 

How do you know he is in lust at this point, when we have only kissed and haven't even discussed let alone done anything further? I'm not fooling myself into anything, otherwise I wouldn't be posting here and would be trying to figure out what lingerie to wear for our next meeting.

[Meaplus3]

I really wouldn't say that I am just a toy to him. He's not a player type and he has deep feelings that are mutual. But I do need to consider the possible outcome before I take it any further, which I think I was blindly on the path of doing.

 

Fun2BMe, But you are a TOY for him and he is a Player! Sorry, but this will lead you NO where. Deep Feeling's? Perhap's on your part but not his. Player type's don't have deep feeling's, this is somthing I have learned. You need to wake up and snap out of this "Fantasy" because that's all it is!

 

AP:)

[Fun2BMe]

And then you go on to say a load of bollox to justify going on with it. You only put that paragraph you quote to minimise your actions.

 

You come across in all your previous posts on the other forums as being self-obsessed and that will ensure you continue to not consider the man's wife in this nasty little situation.

 

Whatever. I am far from self obsessed so I don't know what you are talking about. If I wasn't concerned about the man's wife, I wouldn't have thought it out to make the assumption that they may not be on good terms.

 

On the one hand I feel that this post is too premature since we have not discussed sex, his marrital status and so on. On the other hand, you obviously disagree, but I am finding it to be helpful to put myself in control so that should sex come up, I will be prepared to ask about his marriage and make some inquiries such as a divorce being a requirement and so on instead of going through the excitement and following through on it.

 

I have had a deep crush for over half a year on this man and I would guess many women in the same situation would be taking their BC, getting ready to do the deed or something. In fact, knowing myself, I bet if he initiated sex it would turn me off unless there was at least a serious discussion of his divorce. The more I think of it, that may not be likely and so this has helped me make some things clear in my head instead of getting swept up by the moment which most people do (regardless of marriage being an issue, but in any relationship where sex will take it to the next level).

 

But at least I see how little you think of me, whatever. I can still expect to get feedback from others who care.

[Fun2BMe]

Fun2BMe, But you are a TOY for him and he is a Player! Sorry, but this will lead you NO where. Deep Feeling's? Perhap's on your part but not his. Player type's don't have deep feeling's, this is somthing I have learned. You need to wake up and snap out of this "Fantasy" because that's all it is!

 

AP:)

 

SInce I am getting the same response, I have to really think it through. I mean just because he's serious and responsible and all those things, maybe he's a player? I really don't know, but I will be cautious and for sure set my boudaries the next time we see each other (which is for business reasons not just to see how we are feeling about each other).

[LucreziaBorgia]

this is an unusually extreme situation where the man is very kind and loyal but our love for each other seems to be very deep.

 

As long as you have been on LS, you should know by now that this is the most common thing OW say about their relationships with MM. There is nothing unusual or extreme that I see. Only more of the same. Unfortunately, the more you buy into this and the more you believe it, the more heartbroken you will be when it ends.

[Island Girl]

It's really way too early to determine that. You might be right, but I've heard of men leaving their wives for other women before. In fact I think it's more common than you think.

 

Just as an FYI -- 50% of marriages end in divorce. But only 20% of those are filed by men.

 

80% of those divorces are filed by the wife. So it really isn't all that common for th husband to leave the wife. It is more common for the wife to kick the man to the curb than the other way around.

[Reckless]

I am really surprised that an Established Shacker is saying the things you say here - goes to show.... Yes you seem open to listen, but as LB has said you are not only living a "cliché" you are living THE cliché.

 

So, here's what you do...

 

You tell him you acknowledge that there is a mutual attraction.

 

That you however feel he has moral integrity (as, indeed do you (I PRESUME)) and that there is NO QUESTION of entering into a relationship with a married man.

 

You say that (while you cannot hold out any promises) that were he free you would definitely consider him.

 

You say that until that is the case you will put "the kiss" in the past and break off all contact (or if you work together, ensure you are never alone).

 

You take plenty of cold showers, go out with your friends. Have lunch with pleasant single men.

 

You will check your pulse and all vital signals in six months to see if either one of you have died of a broken heart and are decompossing under a heap of leaves.

 

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

He of course will not start divorce proceedings based on a 'kiss' no matter how earth shattering. But then again people get divorced because of the state of their marriage and not because there are better kissers out there.

 

If his marriage is dead, he will bury it and maybe look you up later.

If his marriage is dead but he doesn't want to bury it he will have affairs.

If his marriage is sick but not dead and he has interest in saving it he will not have affairs.

If his marriage is fine but he is bored and he is a liar and a cheat he will have affairs.

If you are attracted to lying cheats you will find him irrisistable and will eventually get tired of fighting the undeniable force of the cosmic beauty that has by some miracle presented itself to you.

 

Your call.