I kissed a married man and am falling in love!

[NoIDidn't]

"The physical aspect"

 

WTF are you doing?!!

 

Now, its gotten physical?

 

Seriously, you are only digging yourself into a hole. A hole you are not strong enough or even emotionally stable enough to get out of.

 

Stop this while you still have the chance. AND REPORT THIS IDIOT.

 

I would NOT be paying someone to have sex (or be sexual) with me. NEVER. EVER.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe the fact that I have had bad relationships is causing me to question one that is finally a good one, that's how I am thinking about it.

If he wasn't married and wasn't your therapist, then it would be a good thing. But, it isn't.

 

Him being your therapist isn't going to work out, I think you'll figure that one out soon...Fact that he can still take your money and kiss you during your sessions, is so unprofessional and misguided. He isn't going to provide you with any open minded advice anymore, he's personally involved with you. In ANY medical field, a patient cannot be treated by family members. If your father was a surgeon, he would not be allowed to perform surgery on you - Just like right now, the T isn't able to do his job with you anymore due to the kisses...He's too close and crossed too many lines.

[hotgurl]

Fun,

If this guy was really interested in you he would see you outside of therapy.

[a4a]

 

 

 

Ok, I really needed your perspectives. I guess I am in la-la love land and not thinking clearly. I will ask him my questions, not be ruled with my feelings and determine his intentions and not let myself get taken advantage of. THANK YOU. I swear to God I don't think I'll ever trust another man again in my entire life if he doesn't really love me:o The thought that he might not alone is making me like the terrible way I did during my heart wrenching break up.

 

Intentions are worthless........ actions are what matters.

 

He will feed you more crap.

 

And for cripes sake there are more people here giving you advice and that care about you without you paying them.

 

This has nothing to do with all men, but you keep getting into R's with guys that lack any integrity...... one common factor involved - and that is YOU.

 

YOU ALLOW IT.

Start taking some responsibility for your own actions and your own life and you won't keep falling into the same bad relationships.

[dropdeadlegs]

I think writing down your questions is a great idea. It helps to keep the focus when conversation goes in directions you don't expect.

 

I agree with Lucretia that he needs to stop being your therapist if he is going to be your love interest. To advise you in matters of emotion would put him into a position of too much control. You might need someone to talk to about your feelings about HIM, and you would not get unbiased help from your BF by talking to your BF about your BF! Earlier today I was thinking he needs to stop being one or the other, but if you feel you have to take things to another level, he needs to stop being your therapist.

 

That way you can continue to see him and spend that time determining how the relationship should proceed. A few minutes at the end of each session is not enough information for you to determine where the relationship should go, or if it should go any further at all.

 

You have paid thousands of dollars for your therapy sessions with him, you do not "owe" him anything in the way of money or loyalty. He has been well compensated for his services. Certainly he would understand under the circumstances that it would be in your best interest to see another therapist for your emotional needs. If he is not understanding, I'm afraid that makes me further suspect his motives towards you. It seems too self serving.

 

I understand your confusion. Please take things as slowly as you can to be sure you are doing what is right for you. I would hate to see you terribly hurt.

[sadbuttrue]

fun, i am sorry, but i have to agree with everyone else, and it looks like there has been many, who have said that this R is totally not cool. he is so taking advantage of you.

 

and he doesnt see you outside of your scheduled therapy sessions? i am sorry, but that is not a R, but a way for him to use his job as a way to get sex from vulnerable women.

[AFarAwayPlace]

Fun, I am really scared for you. I feel this man has done this and is doing this with other patients. If it ever came out I bet you'd see lots of victims coming forward. He's taking advantage of you when he knows you're unstable, you're there for his HELP, you are indeed a victim of this man. It seems to be a situatio n where you have to learn for yourself as you seem convinced this is true love. I can guarantee it's not.

[Trialbyfire]

Please listen to everyone else. He cannot be unbiased regardless of how good a therapist he is, although I have sincere doubts about that aspect.

 

Get another therapist, STAT, TODAY or TOMORROW and set up a new session. Let him know you're going elsewhere.

[pelagicsands]

Please listen to everyone else.

I agree... your advice is useless.

[lorr]

As I've said before Fun2be is not interested in hearing anyones advice, and there is no way in hell that she is going to look around for another therapist. Its clearly obvious that she likes the situation the way it is, and its up to her and her alone to figure this out the way she knows best...

[Trialbyfire]

I agree... your advice is useless.

Wow, someone enjoying a brief...period....of IMS?

[Reckless]

To date we have about 35 pages of people telling fun

 

1. An illcite affair is morally repugnant

2. A theapist making love to his patient (and charging her for the privilege) is professionally and morally repugnant

3. Attempting to steal another woman's husband is morally repugnant

 

It is absolutely clear that Fun cannot respond to the above ideas in isolation.

 

From reading her posts however it seems that the only times the faint voice of reason penetrates the fog is when someone echos or keys in to her 'agenda' for want of a better word; when someone echos what she is thinking and links it directly (not to the 'right' or 'wrongness' of the situation which leaves her more or less cold..) but to the one thing she responds to: whether an action will or not get her the LOVE and APPROVAL she craves.

 

When an OW (or ex-OW ) pointed out that, contrary to her beliefs, sleeping with her thearpist will only result in lonely nights and NO LOVE her head snapped up (if only for a moment). And, now when it dawns that someone that makes love to you and makes you write a check, doesn't really love you, the words HE DOESN'T REALLY love you, faint as they are, at least register.

 

FUN: Writing down what you need to say is a very good idea. Here are a few suggestions to get you started...

 

Question 1: Will you get in trouble professionally if someone founds out you have been kissing one of your patients?

 

Question 2: I don't feel comfortable paying you since we are now more or less lovers, can I have all my sessions for free?

 

Question 3: I've been told that I should get another therapist, if I do would you be okay with my telling my new therapist about our affair, I think I need an outside view on things?

 

Question 4: Since we love each other, when will you be leaving your wife to be with me full-time?

 

 

I'm sure the other shackers can help you with other suggested questions...

 

R.

[pelagicsands]

Wow, someone enjoying a brief...period....of IMS?

I'M Sorry. Hopefully I will remember why. Maybe later.

[Richard_J]

Fun,

 

Would you mind replying with your thoughts about his wife? How all of this will effect her?

 

Both

1. in regard to what HAS happened already

2. and if he should actually leave her for you.

 

I'm not talking about how YOU feel or will feel

But what this might do to the wife?

[PuppyDogEyes]

If I knew it was bad news, I wouldn't be this confused. If he really does love me like he says, then I am on cloud 9 because I love him too. Then I go back to 'how can we be together, how can I get him' mode. I still have to find out for sure what is going on. Maybe the fact that I have had bad relationships is causing me to question one that is finally a good one, that's how I am thinking about it.

 

This is outright scaring me.

 

I think this is simply a case of transference -

 

"In a therapy context, transference refers to redirection of a client's feelings from a significant person to a therapist. Transference is often manifested as an erotic attraction towards a therapist. Although transference is often characterized as a useful tool for healing old wounds, the relationship will need to have enough trust between a client and a therapist so that the transference does not interfere with a therapist’s ability to help a client."

 

Read that part in bold again, F2BM. Your attraction toward your therapist has effectively ceased his ability to help you professionally. Why? Your therapist is now responding to this with counter-transference -

 

"Counter-transference is defined as redirection of a therapist's feelings toward a client, or more generally as a therapist's emotional entanglement with a client.Some therapists become confused between clients and intimate partners if counter-transference is not recognized and appropriately addressed by the therapist."

 

In other words, this is not the "true love" that you are seeking, F2BM! This is merely a case of a therapist overstepping their professional boundaries and nothing more. He can no longer help you - indeed, what he is doing violates professional and personal ethics. You absolutely, positively need to seek out another therapist. This will not do any good in the long run, and actually it'll set you back. All of the progress that you've made will disappear, and you'll be worse off than when you started!

 

F2BM, I am saying this with as much gentleness as possible, because while I haven't posted much on your threads, I have been following your story for a long time. Let's forget the aspect that he's married, that's bad enough, but it's not central to your healing from all of the pain that you've been through. Do you really want to add this burden to the things that you're trying to get over? You've come a long way since your ex-boyfriend - do you want to jeopardize your progress now? Is this person worth your self-esteem, the beginning of your confidence in yourself, taking charge of your life? Is this guy - or any guy, for that matter - worth what you risk losing?

 

Please consider finding another therapist, particularly a female therapist. I think that it would be better for you to work out your issues with someone that you have only a slight chance of being attracted to, because you do seem to fall into a pattern of being unable to be alone. I used to be that way - I used to jump from guy to guy to guy to guy, trying to find happiness.

 

But in the last year, you know - I've discovered that happiness was always in my hands, and no one else's. I've had to learn to be alone. And you know what? I kind of like it.

 

Please consider my advice, and others'. This isn't worth it. No man on earth is worth your self-respect or your self-esteem.

 

Feel free to talk to me anytime.

 

- pde.

[Fun2BMe]

To date we have about 35 pages of people telling fun

 

1. An illcite affair is morally repugnant

I have already acknowledged my agreement with that. Hence why this thread was started! I didn't post because I see no problem and want to spread my good news with you all. I am obviously extremely disturbed by this whole thing, being in love with a married man who is so loving and affectionate towards me at the same time helping me with my issues and possibly for all I know contributing to future ones.

2. A theapist making love to his patient (and charging her for the privilege) is professionally and morally repugnant

I have already acknowledged my agreement with that, and expressed in no uncertain terms my fear if in fact I may be in that situation, which to you a third party is simple "Get out, what is she thinking" but for me involved, I have developed a lot of feelings towards this man, to find out he is using me for money is not something I am willing to accept but am so scared if that could be the case. So far I believe he loves me too, I am learning to take people's words at face value and he flat out tells me he loves me and so on.

3. Attempting to steal another woman's husband is morally repugnant

I have already acknowledged my agreement with that. If he doesn't really love me and have serious intentions with me, then how do you think I'm going to end up feeling? It's not only his poor wife, but I will have been used, lied to believe he in fact really loves me, which is how I feel, that he really loves me. Obviously the fact that he has a wife and I think it is wrong for married people to cheat - my parents were married with no infidelity - has me here trying to get help, which I know some are saying "she's already made up her mind and is looking for people to say it's ok to be involved with a married man." If someone thinks it's ok to be involved with a married man, then I think there is something wrong with them. Obviously I am asking for help because I am now in a situation that I think is wrong. If he really does love me, would be willing to be with me, then I don't see it as wrong, but in the state of not knowing, it is driving me crazy.

 

It is absolutely clear that Fun cannot respond to the above ideas in isolation.

Listen, I am not trying to avoid responding to anything, and said from the beginning that before I was in this situation, I never thought I would be, that I thought it was wrong, so on ad nauseum, hence why I feel troubled, confused not knowing if it is TRUE love - something I believe worth fighting for - or at this point if I am possibly being taken advantage of, especially after just running across this website a little while ago:

 

http://kspope.com/sexiss/sexencyc.php

 

 

From reading her posts however it seems that the only times the faint voice of reason penetrates the fog is when someone echos or keys in to her 'agenda' for want of a better word; when someone echos what she is thinking and links it directly (not to the 'right' or 'wrongness' of the situation which leaves her more or less cold..) but to the one thing she responds to: whether an action will or not get her the LOVE and APPROVAL she craves.

I don't have an agenda. I am not cold if you think I am then you are wrong and I don't have to explain myfeelings over the internet to get you to believe them. I am anonymous and have no reason to not be upfront when I am trying to get help. I am in love with a married man.

 

I think it is wrong for married people to have affairs. I think it is also wrong for single people even though they have not made an oath to be with anyone, for them to be involved with another person who is committed to someone else. As a single person, it would be best to be involved with another single person. Instead, my feelings are invested in a nice man who every time I see him tells me how much he loves me, for months. I believe him, I love him back, and am posting here because I feel guilty about it, I am not sure if he means it after reading some of the posts and having to fork out large sums of money to him.

 

If he is not really in love with me, I will be devestated and possibly do something crazy to myself (not to him or his family like fatal attraction you guys are having a good time getting a laugh out of my situation). I have trusted him with my secrets, I have trusted him to advise me how to get out of some problems I've been in, I've trusted him with more than I've trusted any other human to my life to date - whether family, boyfriend, girlfriend or what have you.

 

If he really does love me, he wants to commit to me, get a divorce and so on, I have already said I will refuse to talk to his wife because I know it would only hurt her to hear a woman who her husband is leaving her for, tell her to her face how much they are in love. I am not insensitive, otherwise I wouldn't be contemplating all these issues, especially considering I am not so crazy about her to begin with. I stated that if I am sure he wants to leave her for me, I will not lie down and say no, stay with your wife even though you want to be with me. That would be a whole other scenerio and I wouldn't be struggling as much as I am now, not knowing if I am being played with my emotions all invested in him.

 

When an OW (or ex-OW ) pointed out that, contrary to her beliefs, sleeping with her thearpist will only result in lonely nights and NO LOVE her head snapped up (if only for a moment). And, now when it dawns that someone that makes love to you and makes you write a check, doesn't really love you, the words HE DOESN'T REALLY love you, faint as they are, at least register.

It makes me cry to read that. I don't want to act wrong, but I am not sure if I am wrong to be loving a man who loves me, and who I think will end up being with me ideally. The thought that if he doesn't really love me, yes that scares me a lot not just faintly. I guess nobody has a crystal ball, and you are not in my situation so that is why I am getting less upset at the responses. I know that when I wasn't in this situation, I would've been very harsh myself. It's hard to imagine lonely nights when I am imagining us in the future being together. BUt since that was brought up - something I didn't out of the blue think about, yes, that along with other comments is what got me to cancel seeing him last week on the second appointment. I'm not some rock with no feelings like you think I am. I have fears, a lot of them, especially opening so much and finally allowing myself to be loved and loving back completely which I have never done before and he knows that.

 

FUN: Writing down what you need to say is a very good idea. Here are a few suggestions to get you started...

 

Question 1: Will you get in trouble professionally if someone founds out you have been kissing one of your patients?

 

Question 2: I don't feel comfortable paying you since we are now more or less lovers, can I have all my sessions for free?

 

Question 3: I've been told that I should get another therapist, if I do would you be okay with my telling my new therapist about our affair, I think I need an outside view on things?

 

Question 4: Since we love each other, when will you be leaving your wife to be with me full-time?

 

 

I'm sure the other shackers can help you with other suggested questions...

 

R.

Some of those questions are good and I will write them down on my list - namely numbers 1, 2 and 4. Number 3 makes me feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. I'm not hiding behind the bush about the fact that I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM AND NOT PREPARED TO LEAVE HIM FOR ANOTHER THERAPIST. I hope this helps at least a little bit to help you understand my inside a little bit better.

[Reckless]

Fun,

 

I had no intention of making you feel bad let alone cry, but to be honest people being 'kind' and telling you they understand is not really what you need at the moment.

 

You have other posters here that have followed your case and know you much better than I do (Read back over the last few posts from Lucrez, wwiu, dropdead, puppy)... one thing is being said over and over...CHANGE THERAPIST;

 

Are they all wrong?

[serial muse]

You're actually agreeing with what I've said ... and revealing that you haven't read what I've written.

 

Just to repeat my take so you don't get me wrong again:

Assuming she's telling the truth ...

I think he's more to blame - it's ugly!

I don't think she's 100% innocent.

 

I've only contended with others who clearly said he's 100% to blame.

 

Well, see now, this is my point. Who is saying she's 100% innocent, again? Name me names.

 

Greg, I'm a betrayed spouse. That's what brought me here. You really think I don't have emotions about someone who wants to be with a married man?

 

But the thing is, I'm not going around saying "you're all crazy" just because people word things differently than I do. I see what people mean to say, and I don't see a need to put my stamp on every single person's post. Far as I can tell, nobody's been saying she's innocent. They go after the therapist because he's far worse, and the situation isn't 50-50 anymore.

 

Basically, you're creating a straw man and writing numerous posts to knock it down, and it's tiresome.

 

Sorry for the TJ, Fun.

 

If he is not really in love with me, I will be devestated and possibly do something crazy to myself (not to him or his family like fatal attraction you guys are having a good time getting a laugh out of my situation). I have trusted him with my secrets, I have trusted him to advise me how to get out of some problems I've been in, I've trusted him with more than I've trusted any other human to my life to date - whether family, boyfriend, girlfriend or what have you.

 

This is quite frightening. Please, reread what you wrote here. This is not love, this is emotional blackmail. This proves that you and this "therapist" now have an emotionally toxic relationship, one which makes you feel desperate, and that is the ANTITHESIS of what therapy is all about. How can this man possibly give you good, objective advice about how to work on your problems???

 

You need to find another therapist. Please, please think about how serious this is. What you wrote is a crystal-clear indication that you are no longer paying for something that is helping you get better. Can't you see that???

[lavendera]

I have the power and right to demand he get a divorce.

 

Just came across this thread. Wow! 35 pages!! I'm still stuck on this statement from fun on page ONE. Did this get discussed somewhere and I missed it? I admit, I did skim a little bit.

 

Mind repeating though? HOW do you have the power and the right to demand he get a divorce?

 

If you do have the power and in your words, the right... then why not just exert that and get on with it?

[dropdeadlegs]

This is not addressed to any person in particular.

 

I can't say what the intents of any posters are. Some will say that I am too sympathetic or empathetic, but I don't care.

 

This lady is struggling. Haven't we all struggled before? She has come here for advice, and to an extent support. Not support to do the wrong thing, but support to make some decisions. Decisions she can live with. I believe she has read every response and at least tried to take each into consideration. That doesn't mean that her situation is EASY for her, regardless of her stability or lack thereof. I have been emotionally unstable and made bad choices.

 

She has shared so much personal information and not many of us would be as honest. Especially with as many negative responses.

 

I wouldn't blame her if she tucked tail and ran from her own thread. She has no obligation to continue it.

 

I agree that most posters have the same thoughts and concerns, but the way those concerns are shared can be done in a loving and positive way, or a negative and turn-me-off way. I honestly believe that with love, caring, and a modicum of understanding a train wreck can be averted. There is still time.

 

Can't we try to give the message we want to share in a way that doesn't hurt so much? If she chooses not to take the advice, can't we still be supportive if things don't work out? I'm not an "I told you so" person, I can do this. If you can't, I suggest you say nothing at all. Avoid her threads or whatever you have to do. That's what I have done when I have thrown my hands in the air with a certain poster, but it only happened once. Even when I have made my bed and lied in it for years, people have been kind to me and glad that I saw the light.

 

I can do that for Fun2BMe. Can you? I hope so, because LS has many kind and caring people. Those are the people Fun2BMe needs right now.

[GreenEyedLady]

DDL: Excellent post!

[Fun2BMe]

Thanks for your post DDL. I can take criticism, but not if it's intention is exclusively to be mean spirited.

 

Just came across this thread. Wow! 35 pages!! I'm still stuck on this statement from fun on page ONE. Did this get discussed somewhere and I missed it? I admit, I did skim a little bit.

 

Mind repeating though? HOW do you have the power and the right to demand he get a divorce?

 

If you do have the power and in your words, the right... then why not just exert that and get on with it?

 

 

You obviously didn't read much past the first page I take it. I have said on several pages, responding to those who say I should first ask he get a divorce, that I feel it's too early on to ask him to get divorced when I am as of recently not 100% sure about his motives.

 

If however I confirm they are true, which my gut tells me they are, then of course I will have him divorce so that we can properly be together instead of 'cheating.' I can't please both camps. One says ask for a divorce, the other how can I ask for a divorce.

 

The bottom line is, as soon as everything is confirmed, which hopefully will be when all of my questions get answered, then the divorce proceedings can begin. I am not going to be a OW longer than the period of time in the initial phase when our feelings are getting sorted out to confirm our destiny. Once the relationship gets solidified, I won't be the one with the nights away from him. I wouldn't put myself in that situation, nor could I live like that as many are wrongly assuming would be the case.

 

I hope that answers your question and explains what was written between page 1 and 35.

[dropdeadlegs]

Thanks for your post DDL. I can take criticism, but not if it's intention is exclusively to be mean spirited.

That is certainly apparent. You have continued to come back and post in honesty. I applaud your thick skin. I'm not sure I have nearly as much.

[Mary Magdalene]

This is not addressed to any person in particular.

 

I can't say what the intents of any posters are. Some will say that I am too sympathetic or empathetic, but I don't care.

 

This lady is struggling. Haven't we all struggled before? She has come here for advice, and to an extent support. Not support to do the wrong thing, but support to make some decisions. Decisions she can live with. I believe she has read every response and at least tried to take each into consideration. That doesn't mean that her situation is EASY for her, regardless of her stability or lack thereof. I have been emotionally unstable and made bad choices.

 

She has shared so much personal information and not many of us would be as honest. Especially with as many negative responses.

 

I wouldn't blame her if she tucked tail and ran from her own thread. She has no obligation to continue it.

 

I agree that most posters have the same thoughts and concerns, but the way those concerns are shared can be done in a loving and positive way, or a negative and turn-me-off way. I honestly believe that with love, caring, and a modicum of understanding a train wreck can be averted. There is still time.

 

Can't we try to give the message we want to share in a way that doesn't hurt so much? If she chooses not to take the advice, can't we still be supportive if things don't work out? I'm not an "I told you so" person, I can do this. If you can't, I suggest you say nothing at all. Avoid her threads or whatever you have to do. That's what I have done when I have thrown my hands in the air with a certain poster, but it only happened once. Even when I have made my bed and lied in it for years, people have been kind to me and glad that I saw the light.

 

I can do that for Fun2BMe. Can you? I hope so, because LS has many kind and caring people. Those are the people Fun2BMe needs right now.

 

One of the kindest posts I've ever read on any thread in any forum ever, DDL.

[Mary Magdalene]

I applaud your thick skin. I'm not sure I have nearly as much.

 

I don't think you need it.