I kissed a married man and am falling in love!

[Hugh_950]

Fun,

 

And if this person is your therapist it is time to get a new one.

 

Or maybe ask if you can stop paying for it. Or maybe charge him?

[pureinheart]

F2B,

 

That is all the more reason not to interfere with his marriage.

 

I think the term 'soul mate' has been bantied around a little too often as of late. What is a 'soul mate' anyway -- someone you get along with all the time? Soul mate or not, that's not necessarily a spouse, and soul mate and spouse are NOT the same. I don't give a shyte how much of a soul mate a man might be, if I were a woman, I would hope he knows something about finding a decent job, taking care of kids, mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, not spending money like a spoiled teenage punk brat, and just a general degree of loyalty. THAT is what qualifies a man to be married, not whether he makes you laugh or gives you goose bumps. Put down the fantasy novels, take a step back and really, really, give this a second thought.

 

Amerikajin....

 

This is very good advice....I'm done with the warm fuzzies when deciding on a mate.....

[amerikajin]

Amerikajin....

 

This is very good advice....I'm done with the warm fuzzies when deciding on a mate.....

 

I am not really a judgmental creature and I am careful not to cast stones at people in affairs, but I just think it's silly that people throw away marriages over a fantasy. Your co-worker who 'sees into you' isn't your soul mate. You may have common experiences and understanding, but that doesn't even begin to mean that he/she's marriage material, and even if she were, that in no way means you should throw away what you've already built with someone else.

 

"I feel like I've known her/him forever"

 

What bullshyte - precisely for the fact that you obviously haven't known that person forever; it's just something new and exciting, and the affair is a form of escapism in the same way alcohol and drugs are.

 

The reality is, people change over time. People change a lot. As people change, relationships change. In the marriages I've seen that have succeeded, people have found ways to live together and accept each other for their differences. They accept the fact that the nookie's not nearly as good as it used to be. They learn to accept a lot of things about the other person that doesn't really make them look so sexy, but makes them all too human and real. I just don't buy into this 'soul mate' garbage, and I never will. And I think when the time comes for me to settle down, I'll be a lot better off for that.

[Storyrider]

Amerikajin, would you have any interest in starting a new thread on the topic covered in your last couple of posts? I'd like to comment but not on FUN's thread, as I feel it would be getting too off topic.

[amerikajin]

Amerikajin, would you have any interest in starting a new thread on the topic covered in your last couple of posts? I'd like to comment but not on FUN's thread, as I feel it would be getting too off topic.

 

Okay, I'll start a thread on 'soul mates'.

[amerikajin]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1174376#post1174376

 

There ya go.

[Fun2BMe]

I just think it's silly that people throw away marriages over a fantasy. Your co-worker who 'sees into you' isn't your soul mate. You may have common experiences and understanding, but that doesn't even begin to mean that he/she's marriage material, and even if she were, that in no way means you should throw away what you've already built with someone else.

That's why I was asking, how do you get the relationship to the stage to know it's worth leaving with your wife? I feel I'm worth him leaving for me, and he loves me too, then why can't he 'throw' away the marriage for the person he is REALLY supposed to be with, who was in the map of destiny from birth? He lost his path and ended up with his current wife because we had not met yet.

 

it's just something new and exciting, and the affair is a form of escapism in the same way alcohol and drugs are.

How is it different from any other relationship? Are you saying other relationships are not new and exciting?

 

The reality is, people change over time. People change a lot.As people change, relationships change.

And???? You'll change too, so will your mother and your brother and everyone else in the world.

 

 

In the marriages I've seen that have succeeded, people have found ways to live together and accept each other for their differences. They accept the fact that the nookie's not nearly as good as it used to be. They learn to accept a lot of things about the other person that doesn't really make them look so sexy, but makes them all too human and real. I just don't buy into this 'soul mate' garbage, and I never will. And I think when the time comes for me to settle down, I'll be a lot better off for that.

 

Soulmates stay together. And I am not so shallow to leave someone I love if he changes. The change can be good, bad or there could be no change. You are assuming the worst and nothing happens in life if you have fears and don't act on something you strongly feel is right. Compare that to the 50% divorce rate. I have no idea if the nookie is going to get better or worse, but we are in love before even having nookie so that says a lot more about our relationship.

 

-----------

 

And for the record, for all the negative nasty people around here, I want to say that you are happy to make generalizations and conclude I have already made up my mind. You list off things about a MM situation and say good luck I've made up my mind. But what you know, I don't know because like I said I have not been anywhere near this type of a situation before and came here for help.

 

As much as it will be stroking your inflated egos, the feedback I had here did get me to cancel our date for the time being so I could think about some of the posts here, in addition to the hurtufl ones I tried to block off. It's really dumb for the few posters who said I've already made up my mind and am only looking for encouragement to do what I want. If that was the case, I wouldn't be logging on and posting asking for help.

 

It took A LOT of self control and discipline to cancel seeing the love of my life. I will see him Monday but have no idea what will transpire. Looking back I don't know how I had the strength not to see him when we are both going crazy for each other.

 

I will read more responses and think about some more things. Some of the comments were eyeopeners which I don't want to go back and comment on because the posters seem like the "I told you so" types. In the past I got out of a very abusive relationship due to a thread and it took a lot of strength to continue posting on it because as I described the problems I was experiencing, the general resposne was "what kind of person would stay in that kind of a relationship, if you haven't left then you just want to stay and nothing we say will help."

 

Well, it's not that simple when you're in the situation and I wasn't able to have the strength to go back and give credit to those who really helped due to the "I told you so" types who were trigger ready to attack. Not sure why they bother posting in the first place since their intentions seem questionable, especially a couple of long time posters who are suddenly 'disappointed' and conclude I am now a flawed person instead of helping when I need it and asking for it.

 

But due to the large number of responses, despite how much my feelings were hurt on the whole, I thought I'd give an update for the few who genuinely care. I'm obviously not as good at relationships as the rest of you and am not claiming to be. (with that said - pelagicsands I have to admit you did crack me up with some of ur comments)

[LucreziaBorgia]

but we are in love before even having nookie so that says a lot more about our relationship.

 

I know why you think you are in love, but I'm not entirely sure why you think he is.

[Fun2BMe]

I know why you think you are in love, but I'm not entirely sure why you think he is.

 

Why? In addition to feeling that he is, and him showing me in very compassionate ways, he has flat out told me on many occassions. But I'm not clear on your comment. What do you think my reasons are that would not apply to hm?

 

When we first met, I thought he was amazing and all those great things, but because he was married, it's like I blocked myself from even allowing myself to consider him as a potential lover. But over time things got intense and we told each other that we loved each other. It's an amazing relationship I haven't experienced anything like it before.

[Star Gazer]

Unfortunately Fun, I think that in order for any of the aforementioned advice to make any sense to you, you're going to have to experience many lonely nights home alone while your MM is with his W, hysterically crying over the fact that he - yet again - chose to be with her over you, while you sit there realizing that you can't really talk to any of your "real" friends about your FAKE relationship because of how wrong it is.

 

No matter what happens, one thing is a given: you're in for some serious heartache/pain. I can only pray for your sake that you experience just a fraction (or less) of the pain I did.

[Touche]

Why? In addition to feeling that he is, and him showing me in very compassionate ways, he has flat out told me on many occassions. But I'm not clear on your comment. What do you think my reasons are that would not apply to hm?

 

When we first met, I thought he was amazing and all those great things, but because he was married, it's like I blocked myself from even allowing myself to consider him as a potential lover. But over time things got intense and we told each other that we loved each other. It's an amazing relationship I haven't experienced anything like it before.

 

And after this relationship is all over with, I hope you never experience another one like it again. You're in for a world of hurt you know. Why be self-destructive?

 

Your first instinct to shut yourself off from him was the correct one. Too bad you didn't follow that initial instinct.

[Fun2BMe]

Unfortunately Fun, I think that in order for any of the aforementioned advice to make any sense to you, you're going to have to experience many lonely nights home alone while your MM is with his W, hysterically crying over the fact that he - yet again - chose to be with her over you, while you sit there realizing that you can't really talk to any of your "real" friends about your FAKE relationship because of how wrong it is.

 

No matter what happens, one thing is a given: you're in for some serious heartache/pain. I can only pray for your sake that you experience just a fraction (or less) of the pain I did.

 

That's actually one of the main points that has me thinking. I mean I am imagining that once we consumate the relationship, things will move forward fast in our dicrection. The thought that I will then be sitting at home while he is with his wife makes my stomach churn.

 

I already am starting to get those feelings, especially this first weekend after the sparks have been accelerated from the kiss. The thought that he is not with me is frustrating, but I am seeing it as short term frustration until we are permanently together.

[Fun2BMe]

And after this relationship is all over with, I hope you never experience another one like it again. You're in for a world of hurt you know. Why be self-destructive?

Well, if you think from where I'm coming from, I don't see it as self-destructive. Here I am in love with this man and he is returning all my feelings in ways I haven't even experienced in any relationship before.

 

Your first instinct to shut yourself off from him was the correct one. Too bad you didn't follow that initial instinct.

That was actually very easy to do. It's like if you see a food you're allergic to even if it is tasty, you have no temptation to eat it and it's off-limits. But as soon as you find out you can have it, your whole mindset changes. Namely, HE was the one who initiated things. He told me he loved me. I thought he can't really be serious, he's married. Then that allowed me to open the 'lid' and I saw him less off-limits and over time developed very deep feelings and told him I loved him too.

 

We started to hug and give pecks of kisses then more and more often would say we loved each other and it all escalated with our long kiss which is where I'm at now.

[Touche]

Until you are permanently together? That's very naive to think that. What makes you think it will ever be permanent? It almost never is. What line has he given you to make you think that? Or are you just assuming this on your own?

 

Also, you call this an "amazing" relationship. I think that's very sad. What is so amazing and special about being with a man who goes home and sleeps with another woman every night? Ewww:sick:

 

And, Fun2BMe, I really don't think it's going to be fun being you over the next few months or more.

[LucreziaBorgia]

then why can't he 'throw' away the marriage for the person he is REALLY supposed to be with, who was in the map of destiny from birth? He lost his path and ended up with his current wife because we had not met yet.

 

 

Honestly, this is really frightening to read. I hope you aren't saying this stuff to him. He might tell you how sweet it is. He might even tolerate it further and give the same talk back to you. I can tell you this though - deep down in that self protective part that wants to protect his life from you, he will feel an icy chill of fear. Easy to ignore for a while, as long as OW isn't that much of a threat to your status quo.

 

I'm sure he tells you that he loves you and how you are his 'soulmate'. He knows you want to hear it, and it keeps you compliant for that much longer. MM/MW are masters at telling their OW/OM what they want to hear - because it allows them to keep the OW/OM around with as little complication as possible. How does that work? Well... would you lie to protect someone who told you "I love my wife and I'm bored and just want some hassle free sex on the side" or would you lie for somone who said "I love you, I want to be with you, but I am trapped in my loveless/sexless/passionless marriage". Keep them happy, tell them what they want to hear and they will keep your secrets and lie for you when the time comes for that. They will also be more willing to sit on the sidelines and patiently wait for that imaginary divorce to happen. Keep the love talk flowing, and the sex/ego stroking stuff stays right where you want it.

 

It does come around to bite you in the ass in the end though when it comes time to put away the toys and run back home to the real life, and your MM has the mother of all assbitings coming to him when that time comes.

[Star Gazer]

That's actually one of the main points that has me thinking. I mean I am imagining that once we consumate the relationship, things will move forward fast in our dicrection. The thought that I will then be sitting at home while he is with his wife makes my stomach churn.

 

I already am starting to get those feelings, especially this first weekend after the sparks have been accelerated from the kiss. The thought that he is not with me is frustrating, but I am seeing it as short term frustration until we are permanently together.

 

Once you consummate the relationship, you're all in. You're prematurely assuming things will move FORWARD with your relationship, when in reality, the fact of the matter is (as every OW here will tell you) that regardless of whether or not you sleep with the guy, your status in his life will remain the same. He will remain married, you will remain alone as his mistress.

 

Each time you sleep together, at the end of the day he's going to go home to HIS WIFE...not you. Every single time.

 

You'll sit on the couch at night, watching TV or posting on LS or whatever, knowing that he is with his wife. That they are probably having sex as well. You will actually feel cheated on by your MM every single day...because his priority IS his wife, not you.

 

The life of an OW is an incredibly lonely, painful one. Nothing has ever affected me more.

 

Stomach churn? Ha. Tell me about it. I lost 20 pounds during my 6 month relationship with my MM.

 

Think about how uncomfortable you're feeling right now. Those feelings will be magnified times a MILLION once you're really involved with this guy. And the thing is, this isn't temporary - it's going to be a PERMANENT frustration... that is, until you end it.

 

PLEASE don't go down this road.

[Lizzie60]

I can't believe how naive you are... you kissed once (a long one) then you're head over heels for him.... wow... I think you're heading for a big disappointment. This guy is a player, you might not be the only one either. I doubt very much that he will leave his wife. From your post, you sound very young and very inexperienced. Why would he not take the opportunity you're giving him... to have sex because don't fool yourself...that's all he wants from you.

[Fun2BMe]

At this point, I think it's going to be wait and see. Had I seen him Thursday, my love was on overdrive and I wasn't thinking about being home while he'd be with his wife scenerios. I'm thinking once we have sex, then we'll feel confidence that we are meant (I guess I'm a little shallow to give sex importancce. In reality, I'd be ready now but feel it will kind of seal things for us if I'm going to request he get a divorce).

 

I feel less in the right asking him to have a divorce before we have sex. I want us to experience sex to help me with the process and decision as well. I mean that would be great if after a kiss he announces he's ready to have a divorce, but it just doesn't seem realistic for that to happen. When I see him Monday, I am eager to see how he's still feeling. We sent heartfelt texts yesterday wishing each other a good weekend, so that tells me he doesn't regret what happened and gives me hope on the one hand we will end up together, and on the other I have these new issues brought up here to think about.

[pelagicsands]

I want us to experience sex to help me with the process and decision

That's exactly the way I sell it on the first date, too. I'm the sort of person who likes to help out wherever I can. Generous to a fault, really.

[whichwayisup]

Fun if this ever were to work out, and I'm not encouraging you to go after this MM, but wouldn't you feel better starting off something with him BEFORE you had sex with him? If you want an open, honest and TRUE relationship with him, let him go for now. Let him sort out his feelings and see if what he feels for you is worth ending his marriage - It's not fair to you or to his wife for him to go try out another woman (you) on the side, then decide WHO he rather be with. Hope that makes sense.

[pelagicsands]

Hands up all those people who think sex is the ultimate test of compatibility? Not all at once, now.

[Touche]

Well, if you think from where I'm coming from, I don't see it as self-destructive. Here I am in love with this man and he is returning all my feelings in ways I haven't even experienced in any relationship before.

 

 

Of course you don't see it as self-destructive. You're not looking ahead to the long-term. You're only looking at the here and now. You know that's how children think. They never think ahead or of the consequences of their actions. We as parents have to teach them that. Some adults never learn that lesson. An adult...a "grown-up" doesn't only think about the here and now. They question whether the instant gratification is worth the pain at the end...not to mention the moral issue here.

 

That was actually very easy to do. It's like if you see a food you're allergic to even if it is tasty, you have no temptation to eat it and it's off-limits. But as soon as you find out you can have it, your whole mindset changes. Namely, HE was the one who initiated things. He told me he loved me. I thought he can't really be serious, he's married. Then that allowed me to open the 'lid' and I saw him less off-limits and over time developed very deep feelings and told him I loved him too.

 

Opening that "lid" will prove to be a serious mistake. And by the way, I'm not an "I told you so" person. I'm not. I just don't want to see you get hurt yet again. And if you continue with this man, you will be hurt even worse than you were hurt with the last one. I can almost guarantee it.

 

And by the way, I was VERY proud of you for turning down that date with him. I really admire that you did that. I'm sure it wasn't easy. See, now a child wouldn't do that. You're no child. You're a grown woman. That proved it. So don't make childish mistakes.

[Star Gazer]

At this point, I think it's going to be wait and see. Had I seen him Thursday, my love was on overdrive and I wasn't thinking about being home while he'd be with his wife scenerios. I'm thinking once we have sex, then we'll feel confidence that we are meant (I guess I'm a little shallow to give sex importancce. In reality, I'd be ready now but feel it will kind of seal things for us if I'm going to request he get a divorce).

 

I feel less in the right asking him to have a divorce before we have sex. I want us to experience sex to help me with the process and decision as well. I mean that would be great if after a kiss he announces he's ready to have a divorce, but it just doesn't seem realistic for that to happen. When I see him Monday, I am eager to see how he's still feeling. We sent heartfelt texts yesterday wishing each other a good weekend, so that tells me he doesn't regret what happened and gives me hope on the one hand we will end up together, and on the other I have these new issues brought up here to think about.

 

See, here you go again...justifying, explaining, blah blah blah. You want sooooo badly to be loved, that you're clinging to any remote sign of it, even from the worst possible provider. As a result, you're too resistant now to listen to anyone who's been-there, done-that to heed our advice, hence the reason why I said you're going to have to experience this entire torture and heartbreak for anything anyone has said to make any sense to you.

 

Having sex with him is not going to make him flick a switch to want to leave his wife. Men don't operate that way...for men, sex and love ARE mutually exclusive. In addition, if he's able to f*ck you while still married, what incentive does he have to leave her?? NONE. Stop and think about that for a minute. Seriously. He'll have the comfort of his secure relationship with his wife, with some hot/fresh/new exciting sex on the side. When he gets bored with you, he'll return to comfortable domesticity, and look for a new mistress.

 

If you sleep with him, this will happen. It's not a matter of "if," but "when." And your entire world - and faith in men - will be completely shattered. It will take years to get back to where you were two weeks ago (and that place wasn't all that good to begin with).

[Fun2BMe]

Fun if this ever were to work out, and I'm not encouraging you to go after this MM, but wouldn't you feel better starting off something with him BEFORE you had sex with him? If you want an open, honest and TRUE relationship with him, let him go for now. Let him sort out his feelings and see if what he feels for you is worth ending his marriage - It's not fair to you or to his wife for him to go try out another woman (you) on the side, then decide WHO he rather be with. Hope that makes sense.

 

I'm really liking that idea. If he is as hot for me as I am for him, then if I say 'no' to sex, his response will show how much in love with me he really is!

 

Instead of feeling like I'm a victim to all these emotions, I suddenly feel some empowerment. Let's say I had decided to have sex. Then when the time came he told me it not be right, I'd feel rejected and hurt because I really love him. If I say no to him, is he going to consider divorce in order to have me? Or is he going to say "next?"

 

As tempting as it is to consumate everything, maybe right now is when I will ever have the most power and say so in how things will end up, as tempting as it is to jump in bed.

 

Having sex with him is not going to make him flick a switch to want to leave his wife. Men don't operate that way...for men, sex and love ARE mutually exclusive. In addition, if he's able to f*ck you while still married, what incentive does he have to leave?? Stop and think about that for a minute. Seriously. He'll have the comfort of his secure relationship with his wife, with some hot/fresh/new exciting sex on the side. When he gets bored with you, he'll return to comfortable domesticity, and look for a new mistress.

 

I have to admit in the back of my head I"m thinking once he has sex with me, he will be packing his bags that same night. The thought that sex won't make a difference on how he thinks is kind of something interesting. I mean I already know he loves me, but I have to admit I thought just like it would make me feel closer and more 'sealed the deal' way, I am thinking it would do the same to him. Maybe by not having sex just yet, it's not saying no to the relationship, but actually seeing if there is a strong enough one to begin with before my heart gets broken up again. Wow I can't believe I'm thinking this way.

[pelagicsands]

, if he's able to f*ck you while still married, what incentive does he have to leave her?? NONE. Stop and think about that for a minute. Seriously.

I spent a whole minute thinking about the wanton passion of some hot, steamy, butt-clenching, animalistic sex. It just wasn't enough.

 

Anyway, you are so right. Give up your body, and all the sexual tension flies out the window. What was that saying about the cow and her milk?

 

Right, then. I have a few more positions to cycle through. Back to it.