Author Fun2BMe Posted April 30, 2007 Author Share Posted April 30, 2007 1. Yes it is. Strip away all that soulmates and crap and you have it in a nutshell. You are actively and without an ounce of shame pursuing a married man. I wish I wasn't feeling shame since I feel it is true love, but in reality if I was feeling 100% ok about it, WHY WOULD I BE POSTING HERE TO GET HELP??? 2. Any therapist who does what he is doing in the context of your treatment (if indeed he is doing anything) is victimizing and violating you horribly. Right now you can't and won't see that. One day you will, and it won't be pretty. That is a generalized statement not specific to this special circumstance. If two people are in love then it's hard to say 'but the rules say you're not allowed to be.' I need you to really understand where I'm coming from. He is in a different position than you are and he holds the tools of his trade and your divulged painful history in the palm of his hand. You are by definition extremely vulnerable to him and can be easily manipulated by him. This scares the heck out of me:o How am I supposed to know if he's feelings for me aren't real if it feels 100% like they are??? :confused: It's like if you are having one of those dreams that seems very real, even if someone in it were to tell you that it is not real, you would think it is. I don't know what to do. It's hard to walk away or not respond to what I am feeling deeply about. I will meet with him later today and can't get any sleep wondering what to do and say to him. I thought I had it all figured out but now I'm confused. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 That is a generalized statement not specific to this special circumstance. If two people are in love then it's hard to say 'but the rules say you're not allowed to be.' I need you to really understand where I'm coming from. Ok, lets review. He is your therapist. If what you say is true, then he has made emotional and physical advances toward you, behind his wife's back - DURING YOUR SESSIONS and then takes your money for the priviledge of being able to do so. I can't help but to wonder how many other patients he has done the same to. I understand where you are coming from. You don't see this OBVIOUS violation because you are "in love" with him. If you were not in love with him, you'd be filing a lawsuit. Your sense of right and wrong is fairly warped. If it works for you, then its "right". If it doesn't work for you then its "wrong". Honestly, I expect by the time this is over you'll be involuntarily hospitalized, and it wouldn't surprise me if the one signing the orders is your MM - who will have convinced everyone that you are delusional stalker who is a danger to herself, him and his family. And you know what? People will believe him, not you. Think it won't happen? Keep on going the way you are, and it will. I expect it will take something that drastic to get you off his back, and when a MM is cornered by his OW and his way of life - his career, his marriage, his status quo - is threated by her - he will pull some nasty stuff to get rid of her. This one actually has the means to REALLY put you away. Don't say you weren't warned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted April 30, 2007 Author Share Posted April 30, 2007 What do you suggest I ask him to find out if he is being truthful and is really in love with me?? I know the easy answer is "switch therapists." Trust me, if I find out he's not in love and one day move on, I will say yeah I should've done that. But for NOW I feel he is REALLY in love with me and am believing everything he tells me coupled by his actions so I am desperate for help and to find out the truth. Please help me. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 What do you suggest I ask him to find out if he is being truthful and is really in love with me?? There is only one way, and one way only. You have to walk away. Tell him that you love him, that you care for him and that you want to be with him but that you cannot and will not do it as an OW. If he wants to be with you, he will come to you with signed and notarized divorce papers, and lease on a new place. If he is any less than divorced and living on his own, then he is not to contact you in any way, shape or form. If he attempts to contact you, and he is NOT divorced and living on his own then let him know your next calls will be first to his wife, and next to his practice. That will force him to make a decision. If he is in love with you, and wants to be with you - then he will get the divorce, leave his home and start a new life with you in the free and clear. If he is not in love with you, then he will simply let you walk away. Honestly, that is the only way to know for SURE what his intentions are. I guess it depends on how desperate you are to know how he REALLY feels. If you stay with him, and allow him to put you in the position of OW while continuing to stay married, then guess what? He will continue to stay married. Why? Because he can. Because you let him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted April 30, 2007 Author Share Posted April 30, 2007 Thank you LB At this time I am going to sleep for the few hours I can sqeeze in before the appointment to see him and pray I do and say the right thing (I'm not the most assertive person in the world) Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 If you don't like someone's posts - put them on ignore. This is a very RUDE comment and I hope no one EVER takes anyone who says anything like this seriously and stops posting. Really, amerikajin, I don't like the majority of your posts either. I rarely, if ever, have agreed with you. But I enjoy the fact that this is an OPEN forum where all views are allowed. "Physician heal thyself." Go back and look at this guy's posts - he deserved it. Maybe not from me, but from somebody. Pelagic is the worst kind of poster - he's a message board spammer. I've seen posters like him ruin message boards. I stand by what I said. So that this doesn't turn into a back and forth, that will be my last comment on this matter. Link to post Share on other sites
smokenmirrors Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Irregardless of whether you think he is or isn't in love with you, why not just do the right thing for you and your future? Do you really want to get embroiled in this situation with a married man? The point is, he is VERY married, and you are doing yourself an injustice by settling for someone who is NOT AVAILABLE right now. If he cared about you, or loves you like you say...he would end his marriage FIRST. Given the therapy you are going thru with this man, he KNOWS you're vulnerable, and like I said...if he cared for you AT ALL, he would do the right thing by you. Why settle for this? It's so demeaning. I do have to ponder one thing...who hugs and kisses therapists anyhow? I find having ANY physical contact with a therapist rather bizarre behavior. Good Luck with your visit today. Link to post Share on other sites
GregsBad Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 There is only one way, and one way only. You have to walk away. Tell him that you love him, that you care for him and that you want to be with him but that you cannot and will not do it as an OW. If he wants to be with you, he will come to you with signed and notarized divorce papers, and lease on a new place. If he is any less than divorced and living on his own, then he is not to contact you in any way, shape or form. If he attempts to contact you, and he is NOT divorced and living on his own then let him know your next calls will be first to his wife, and next to his practice. That will force him to make a decision. If he is in love with you, and wants to be with you - then he will get the divorce, leave his home and start a new life with you in the free and clear. If he is not in love with you, then he will simply let you walk away. Honestly, that is the only way to know for SURE what his intentions are. I guess it depends on how desperate you are to know how he REALLY feels. If you stay with him, and allow him to put you in the position of OW while continuing to stay married, then guess what? He will continue to stay married. Why? Because he can. Because you let him. Lucrezia is absolutely right. But may I translate this into male language? "I have fallen in love with you and I wont see you after today unless you divorce your wife." Trust me. He'll take it from there. This only works if you: 1. Say it simple 2. Mean it (really stop) Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Like I said just tell his wife and you will know for sure how he feels about you. Link to post Share on other sites
GregsBad Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Fun2beme is not just a victim. She's a preditor too. Just because marriage is her motive doesn't make it OK. The reason I'm saying this is becasue it appears to me that most of the responders here see her as just the victim. Look, a guy hits on a girl, wants to get into her pants. She right away turns obsessive about marriage. I think most women here see him as the bad guy, her as the victim. I know he's a doc and that adds more bad to his behavior. But the truth is that they're workin' each other. See, it's like spiders (black widows). The male wants to get a little & get away - but the famale gets the munchies after sex. Sometimes he gets what he wants - sometimes she does. Understand what I'm saying? SHE'S NOT JUST A FREAKIN' VICTIM! Link to post Share on other sites
Woman Whisperer Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 See, it's like spiders (black widows). The male wants to get a little & get away - but the famale gets the munchies after sex. Sometimes he gets what he wants - sometimes she does. That's why I get up and scramble eggs for her! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Fun2beme is not just a victim. She's a preditor too. Just because marriage is her motive doesn't make it OK. The reason I'm saying this is becasue it appears to me that most of the responders here see her as just the victim. Look, a guy hits on a girl, wants to get into her pants. She right away turns obsessive about marriage. I think most women here see him as the bad guy, her as the victim. I know he's a doc and that adds more bad to his behavior. But the truth is that they're workin' each other. See, it's like spiders (black widows). The male wants to get a little & get away - but the famale gets the munchies after sex. Sometimes he gets what he wants - sometimes she does. Understand what I'm saying? SHE'S NOT JUST A FREAKIN' VICTIM! I guess the fact that she goes to a therapist for help and he uses her makes her a predator ? Get real Greg.. if that was true then all people victimized by their therapist are really not victims.. they would be the predators... She is seeing a therapist for Christs sake and he has broken his oath... and in some states he has broken the law... Just how does that make her a predator ? Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 I guess the fact that she goes to a therapist for help and he uses her makes her a predator ? Get real Greg.. if that was true then all people victimized by their therapist are really not victims.. they would be the predators... She is seeing a therapist for Christs sake and he has broken his oath... and in some states he has broken the law... Just how does that make her a predator ? Not to mention the fact that she is emotionally/psychologically unstable and he, presumably, is healthy. And he knows the details of her instability more than anyone--enough to use it against her. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 I have to agree with Greg on this one, to some extent anyway. I do hold the therapist to a higher degree of responsibility than I do the patient, but it isn't as though Fun2Be isn't lucid enough to understand the consequences of her behavior - she clearly is. She might be having some emotional issues right now, and I am sympathetic to that end, but I still hold her responsible for her behavior. If she were completely out of touch with reality here, I might think otherwise, but I am not convinced of that in her case. I wouldn't use the word 'predator' to describe either; I think this is simply a case of transference on the therapist's end and, on the other end, F2B's emotional needs being satisfied for the time being. I don't think either one is really in love with the other. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 OFCOURSE this therapist should be held more responsible for this situation! He has taken advantage of her in everyway possible! Yes, he is married, but even if he wasn't married and this still all happened, he SHOULD be ending the patient/client sessions immediately! Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 OFCOURSE this therapist should be held more responsible for this situation! He has taken advantage of her in everyway possible! Yes, he is married, but even if he wasn't married and this still all happened, he SHOULD be ending the patient/client sessions immediately! Hold the therapist more responsible? Yes. But F2B has some culpability here. I've seen her writings on this site - she is not someone who's completely irrational or out of touch with reality. She simply wants this to happen, just like so many other men and women who've been confronted with this temptation since antiquity. I am sorry, that's unacceptable behavior - and she knows that much. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 OFCOURSE this therapist should be held more responsible for this situation! He has taken advantage of her in everyway possible! Yes, he is married, but even if he wasn't married and this still all happened, he SHOULD be ending the patient/client sessions immediately! Hey just because he is a therapist doesn't mean he is stable...... obviously he is not. I mean come on he is supposed to be trained to deal and recognize personality disorders. Likely he suffers from his own, not that unusual. all parties are guilty. With the exception of the wife of the therapist.... unless she is aware of this little drama and is diggin' it. That is the only victim I see here. Link to post Share on other sites
lorr Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Its obvious that Fun2be does not want to listen to the expressed opinions that people have on this particular matter, so its best that she gets on with things the way SHE knows best. She is a big grown woman and the ONLY way she will learn is when she is faced with the dire consequences. Both her and the therapist are fully aware of the game that they are playing and its only a matter of time before sh*t hits the fan. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Its obvious that Fun2be does not want to listen to the expressed opinions that people have on this particular matter, so its best that she gets on with things the way SHE knows best. Have you not read the whole thread?? She IS taking into consideration advice, she's just very confused and on the egde - But she IS listening. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 I wonder how the appt went today. Link to post Share on other sites
GregsBad Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 I guess the fact that she goes to a therapist for help and he uses her makes her a predator ? ... Just how does that make her a predator ? Because she's manuvering to break up a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Because she's manuvering to break up a marriage. Give me a break.... He is a therapist.. Actually trained on transference.. You don't think the fact that he is actually breaking the law should play into who is responsible ?... Let me guess.... Women who get raped and dress provocative and ooze sex are also not victims ?.. They were asking for it ? In this case the line lies in him... he is the therapist.. We are not talking about an auto mechanic that she has gone to for a tune up.. She has gone to this Therapist with emotional issues that he has used against her. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Now that I know it's the therapist, I agree with AC. This therapist needs to fix this, NOW. He has intimate details of her psychy and can play her like a puppeteer. Whether she is aware of it or not, she's a victim. Link to post Share on other sites
pulse Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Hi Fun! I'm new here but as a OW I thought I should give you my input. It's amazing that you have been dragged through the mud but you are still headstrong. Maybe the Ws on here should know that shouting sarcasms and screaming insults more often than not makes one wants to be more headstrong and try to prove them wrong. Based on my understanding you are recovering from a relationship in which you were cheated on and that makes you vulnerable. You are vulnerable because you are still suffering from the hurt that your previous relationship has caused you and as such you are seeking comfort; regardless of the form it takes. It is not unusual that patients have crush on their therapist because this is the person that they are sharing their innermost thoughts with. This person naturally will show you sympathy and will be interested in your well being, but that is what he is paid to do. It is his responsibility to ensure that such a crush is not encouraged and if the patient continues to exhibit such behavior then recommend another therapist. The fact that he has allowed this crush to escalate by kissing you is a reflection of his character. He is being irresponsible and unprofessional in his behavior and shows little regards for your well being by taking advantage of your vulnerability. I know you have said that you love him, but you grow to love someone over time and love goes way beyond the physical or the present. You know that you love someone when you know all their faults and you are able to accept them, not from just being around them at work, social setting or when things are good. The fact that he's married should send you red flags as he is not taking his commitment seriously, especially if he is in a good marriage. The position of OW is not a position I would recommend to anybody because once the fun is over and you are hooked on him it is hard to let go. Married men, especially when they are older, have mastered the art of persuasion and know just what to say and what to do so that you see him as a prize. I have been OW on and off for almost 7yrs and it has been an emotional rollercoaster to get to the point where we are no longer hiding and he is planning on getting a divorce. His marriage was dead before I entered the picture, but there have been a lot of ups and down nevertheless. He pursued me for one year before I decided to have some fun and ended up being hooked. I don't regret meeting him and we have a good relationship but if I could have had a good relationship without all the turmoil I would have selected that any day. You should seriously consider changing your therapist even if you are not put off by the fact that you might be destroying a good marriage, but if he really liked you he would see you for free or half the cost. Trust me, he wouldn't be eating out your purse while trying to convince you that he's your soul mate. Married men go out of their way to do nice things for you and one such way is to make your purse heavier. He might be showing you affection but remember you are paying for it! Don't you think you are worth more than to just pay for the time someone spends with you? Just understand this, whatever you do in life there are consequences and you should be able to live with a clean conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
GregsBad Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 I guess the fact that she goes to a therapist for help and he uses her makes her a predator ? Get real Greg.. if that was true then all people victimized by their therapist are really not victims.. they would be the predators... She is seeing a therapist for Christs sake and he has broken his oath... and in some states he has broken the law... Just how does that make her a predator ? So then you think the blame is 100% against the doc and zero% againt her? I don't agree. She is NOT an innocent victim. She's got a selfish agenda of her own. And her talk of love and marriage doesn't make it all OK. Based on what she says, the doc is a scumbag. But she's wrong too. And you're one of the women here who is overlooking her part in this. I'll hand it to you for being sympathetic but that's about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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