Touche Posted May 20, 2007 Share Posted May 20, 2007 I'd send the email. If you go in person you risk getting sucked backed into this mess all over again. Why should you care if you come across as "ungrateful and mean?" You were PAYING him for goodness sakes. He should be worried about what YOU think. Send the email. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted May 20, 2007 Share Posted May 20, 2007 Fun... I am glad that you read the book and I am glad that it helped you! If you decision starts to wear off, just read parts of this thread again or the book. You have been through so much and have come through, now you are smarter and wiser for it... Keep it up! Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted May 20, 2007 Share Posted May 20, 2007 Fun2BMe - Don't take the chance of having him talk you out of terminating your therapy or sucking you back in. He knows what buttons to push and if you are worried you may be swayed, you very well could be. Send the e-mail. And then - send him a copy of the book through the mail. Maybe he'll get it, maybe he won't. But if he does it could help the rest of his patients along with helping him identify his own problems. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted May 20, 2007 Share Posted May 20, 2007 Fun2BMe - Don't take the chance of having him talk you out of terminating your therapy or sucking you back in. He knows what buttons to push and if you are worried you may be swayed, you very well could be. Send the e-mail. And then - send him a copy of the book through the mail. Maybe he'll get it, maybe he won't. But if he does it could help the rest of his patients along with helping him identify his own problems. That is a great Idea... I agree do not go see him in person... If you need to at least hear his voice then call. If you see him one last time it could not be the last time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 20, 2007 Author Share Posted May 20, 2007 Ok, thanks. I think I'll finish reading this don't lose your patients book first, so I will know how to handle things better and how to word the email. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted May 20, 2007 Share Posted May 20, 2007 Ok, thanks. I think I'll finish reading this don't lose your patients book first, so I will know how to handle things better and how to word the email. Thank you. Well keep us updated... but go with your gut instinct.. I often find that my instinct is dead on... and I often do not listen to myself, and I kick myself Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2007 Share Posted May 20, 2007 Fun, I am really proud of you! I know it hurts, but you are doing the right thing. Don't you worry about how he is going to feel, this is about you and your life, not about him and what he thinks/feels. YOU are the paying client, and now you've chosen NOT to be the paying client. He has no choice but to accept that and move on. You take time, forget all about this stuff, have fun, enjoy the nice weather with friends and family, then when you feel ready, start searching for another therapist....Not recommended by anyone you know. It's best to start off fresh and stick to a female therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 22, 2007 Author Share Posted May 22, 2007 I ended up texting him Sunday night that I miss him, and went for the session yesterday which he called to reschedule from Tue and now I am feeling VERY depressed and disappointed, unable to end things:o I feel very weak and don't know how to end the sessions. I think the fact that I need his help in other areas is making it difficult to break free, but it's like I have to accept the other part of the relationship along with it which I no longer want as it is making me very miserable, more than I can bear. I feel desperate and disappointed in myself and don't know what to do or say to him. He won't be available for the next few days and when I called him earlier today he was very brief and it hurt my feelings badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted May 22, 2007 Share Posted May 22, 2007 I think the fact that I need his help in other areas is making it difficult to break free, but it's like I have to accept the other part of the relationship along with it which I no longer want as it is making me very miserable, more than I can bear. Fun - You need the help of a capable, qualified therapist in those other areas. Take one significant step and go find one. Female, preferably. You have new issues, beyond those he has been working with you, and even those issues have now been clouded. Go find a new therapist to help you find your way through this mess. Don't even worry - at this time - about cancelling with him (but you certainly don't need his permission or approval.) You need a second, objective opinion, and someone who is detached and can see that you are in crisis. Take this one step. Make it a goal to find a female therapist unassociated with him, and go in for one session, and be honest about what is going on. You need the help of an objective professional. One step at a time. Do this. I feel desperate and disappointed in myself and don't know what to do or say to him. He won't be available for the next few days and when I called him earlier today he was very brief and it hurt my feelings badly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 22, 2007 Author Share Posted May 22, 2007 RIght now I am not too concerned about getting another therapist or deciding on their gender and so on. I am desperate to figure out how I can get the courage to end my sessions. I don't even know how to make an excuse if i want to cancel my next one, let alone never see him again. I think I have to take one step at a time and then decide if I want to go to another one, which at the moment I don't want to, especially if it will mean discussing all that has gone on with this one, I don't want to get him into trouble or cause more drama for me. I'm in a lot of pain right now and it's only getting worse. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 So why not get a new therapist to help you work out your problems with the old one? To help you to leave him. Noone says you can't see two at one time. If you want out so very badly get the help that you need. And IF you want to get away from him why were your feelings hurt that he was short with you? I don't want you but I want you to want me??? You do not have to name him. You don't even have to say he was a Therapist though you should explain the professional connection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 23, 2007 Author Share Posted May 23, 2007 And IF you want to get away from him why were your feelings hurt that he was short with you? I don't want you but I want you to want me??? No, that's not it. If you read my post I said that I texted him that I miss him. This doesn't mean "I don't want you but I want you to want me." Obviously as I have been stating I am in love with him and have deep feelings, yet I am realizing that it is kind of a fantasy as far as him having the same feelings for me, even though he says he loves me (He said he loves me twice during our last session.) I have come to realize that he doesn't REALLY love me. 1) I pay for my sessions 2) I do not get contact from him (like I used to) during the rest of the week. I am left feeling heart broken. For example, he's the one who told me to call him today, yet when I did he didn't sound particularly happy to hear from me and was in a hurry to get off the phone. And the thought that he is with his wife the rest of the time is very painful. So no, I am not putting energy into getting him to want me while I don't want him. The opposite is true. I want him, but realize it won't happen, realize that he doesn't have the same feelings back, and I am left feeling very hurt, similar to the really bad feelings I get when a relationship goes bad. I can't eat, I feel EXTREMELY depressed, and upset at how he encourages and feeds my feelings towards him, kisses me and so on. I really don't want to start up with another therapist at least not right now. Maybe it's because I'm not strong enough, but it's like going from one relationship to another for me. I guess I wasn't able to make a boundary between where the professional relationship ended and the non-professional started. I have poured my heart to him, and feel like he is rejecting me yet leading me on at the same time. I don't know if I should call to cancel, email or tell him in person, and what to say, how to do it. Should I say all these things? SHould I keep it short? Should I not tell him these things? I don't know how to handle it but I'm desperate to feel better and feel upset for being left hanging with all these negative feelings while he is going about his life ordinarily. If my only resort is to hire another therapist to tell me how to do this then I guess I will. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 (Insert his name here): Just to let you know, I've decided not to continue on as your client. (Insert your name here) FUN, you owe him NO explanation of why you're quitting. Make your email to him SHORT, SWEET and to the POINT. You DO need a new therapist because this one cannot help you anymore as he has become part of the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 I know! I don't get why you think you owe him an explanation. HE works for YOU. You can fire him for any reason at all any time you want. He's NOT a good guy. I've said this before and it's true. Someone else can help you with this and any other issues. I'd pick up the phone and tell him: "Thanks for everything but it's obviously time to find someone else who can help me. This has crossed a line and gotten too personal. You won't be able to be impartial anymore. Thanks for everything. Bye!" You can do this. You're not as weak as you think you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted May 23, 2007 Author Share Posted May 23, 2007 One minute I'm upset and want to end it, the next I'm scared I'll regret it and want to see him but it will be too late once I tell him I should stop the sessions so I am really confused. I'm trying to get advice from my sister too who is completely furious, and she just emailed that if he's as smart as I say he is then he'll be impressed that I did the right thing and that he helped me be more confident. I guess I'll see how I feel on Friday since he won't be reachable until then and maybe I'll figure out what to do and say. I just think it will be mean to do it abruptly without an explanation afer everything he's done for me like a coward, but the more I try to think of things to say to him, the more scared I am that he won't understsand where I"m coming from or get upset at me, or think I'm playing games like hard to get as Trimmer thought or think I'm trying to get vengence or something and I don't know if that's a part of it, that I'm upset at him so I might be doing it for the wrong reasons. He spent so much time teaching me not to care what my exbf thinks of me, and here I am scared of what he will think of me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Since he won't be reachable, that is the perfect time to call and leave a message on his work answering machine. Please, take tomorrow, think about it. Start writing out HOW you wanna word it and what you want to say. PM me if need some input! Bottomline, the end is near. You know it, he knows it and I think you'll be a stronger person if YOU take control and end it first - the way you want it to end. Easy and fast. Last thing you want to deal with is a long goodbye or having to "hear" his side of things and more manipulation into keeping you as his paying client. Be strong Fun, I know you can do this...You've gone this far, it's just afew more steps. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Since he won't be reachable, that is the perfect time to call and leave a message on his work answering machine. Please, take tomorrow, think about it. Start writing out HOW you wanna word it and what you want to say. PM me if need some input! Bottomline, the end is near. You know it, he knows it and I think you'll be a stronger person if YOU take control and end it first - the way you want it to end. Easy and fast. Last thing you want to deal with is a long goodbye or having to "hear" his side of things and more manipulation into keeping you as his paying client. Be strong Fun, I know you can do this...You've gone this far, it's just afew more steps. I couldn't agree more. Take back the power, and I DO know you can do this! You're stronger than you think you are. You're scared, and fear is powerful, but I think you will be relieved in a big way. If you choose to find another therapist (and I really hope you do!) you do not have to reveal his name, but I think you may need some help in getting past this. With some help you could move forward more quickly and get your total therapy back on the fast track. I'm sending you strength vibes, Fun! Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 I just think it will be mean to do it abruptly without an explanation afer everything he's done for me EVERYTHING he has done for you includes this emotional turmoil you are in right now The anxiety, stress, and anguish you feel right now is BECAUSE of him. Because he crossed the boundaries. If I hire a nice young man to help me out with the groceries, he does, and I pay him - didn't we both get what we agreed to? You hired him to help you with some problems. You paid him very well for his time. Now if that same nice young man, after he has unloaded the groceries as agreed and he has been paid as agreed, wrenches my purse away from me when I am getting into the car - does he get a pass because he was so helpful before? No. He helped you at a time when you needed it. You paid him his fees and even the increased fees because he wanted to redecorate. You have thanked him enough for what good he did do including payment and some physical gratification as well. I'd say he has gotten plenty of "thanks". You don't owe him anything else. He has crossed a line which is damaging you. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Amulet Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 Not so Fun2bu now We are all behind you. Take the words of these wise women ^^ Be strong babe. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 One minute I'm upset and want to end it, the next I'm scared I'll regret it and want to see him but it will be too late once I tell him I should stop the sessions so I am really confused. I'm trying to get advice from my sister too who is completely furious, and she just emailed that if he's as smart as I say he is then he'll be impressed that I did the right thing and that he helped me be more confident. I guess I'll see how I feel on Friday since he won't be reachable until then and maybe I'll figure out what to do and say. I just think it will be mean to do it abruptly without an explanation afer everything he's done for me like a coward, but the more I try to think of things to say to him, the more scared I am that he won't understsand where I"m coming from or get upset at me, or think I'm playing games like hard to get as Trimmer thought or think I'm trying to get vengence or something and I don't know if that's a part of it, that I'm upset at him so I might be doing it for the wrong reasons. He spent so much time teaching me not to care what my exbf thinks of me, and here I am scared of what he will think of me. OH fun... You should only care what you think of you... it is so nice to have support but the support that he is giving you is purely shelfish on his part. He knows how to draw you in to his thought process. You went from one bad relationship, now to an unhealthy one. He knows that this is not good. I think that he sees you as a triumph... that is what you are to him with you he has all the power which gives him a boost. I know that you are worrying about your self worth with this man... but the truth you are a woman with power and you should know your own worth. Please please please save yourself for someone that is single and is not treating you in a professional manor. All you can do is learn from this. As far as your sister is concerned and her anger... do not soak that in as well. It will just get you down on yourself, she should be caring but it sounds like she is making you feel even worse! Just know that you will get through this and you will find someone else that will love you for who you are not what you can do for them. Please don't be afraid of what you need to do! Peace! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted June 5, 2007 Author Share Posted June 5, 2007 Despite my recent determination to end my therapy, I continued seeing him and things got more intense. I asked him all my questions and he answered everything to my favor, confirming he had deep feelings for me and so on and so on. But it was getting hard on me, the fact that he is married. The thought that his same lips were kissing another woman in my absence drove me nuts, but while apart I couldn't stop thinking about him either. Then yesterday during our session, I wanted more and more of his total attention and afterwards texted him that I wanted to end my therapy! I am in shock that I did it. I feel both depressed and a sense of relief. He hasn't even responded - called or texted back or anything so that has me wondering what is going on in his head. I feel totally off-track. I have canceled all of my appointments for the week and am trying to feel better. Last week he said he didn't want to be taking advantage of me. I got confused and said I thought you had feelings for me, to which he said he did, so I said that's not taking advantage if we are in love. But now I am wondering why would he even have said that if he didn't think he was taking advantage. I don't know, I am confused but hope I am on the right track even though it is painful. Sunday night my ex sent a long email telling me how much he misses me and updating on what he is up to. That got me emotional and I don't know if that had to do with my sudden text to end things with the therapist. I wanted to talk to the therapist about my ex but it felt too awkward. So I thought just my luck to be with an unavailable man, and on top of it not to be able to talk to my therapist about my ex. I seem to have the worst luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 You do know that your Therapist could loss his licance over your affair? it is more then unethical of him to conduct a relationship with you while you see him in a professional way. Link to post Share on other sites
Reckless Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 Good for you Fun for ending things!! Under no cirmumstances should you see him (under the pretext of talking it through). If you need help and your family is no support, since you effectively don't actually have at therapist now, why not fine one just to get you through this difficult period (a female would be best for you). Come back here when you are feeling low but don't contact him again... or you'll backslide on your decision. Well done! It feels awful but you're on the right track and things WILL get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 That took a lot of courage, Fun. I think that there is a man out there who will love only you. A kind man. A man who will appreciate you. A man who will not rely on your weaknesses to take advantage of you and steal your heart, but instead who will admire your strengths and give you his heart. Hold out for that man. Your therapist is not answering you, I believe, because he is afraid that his misconduct may catch up to him now that you are no longer in his thrall. You are too good for him, I guarantee it. Look to other women - your sister, friends and perhaps a female therapist, to support you as you go through this loss. Peace to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 . Last week he said he didn't want to be taking advantage of me. I got confused and said I thought you had feelings for me, to which he said he did, so I said that's not taking advantage if we are in love. But now I am wondering why would he even have said that if he didn't think he was taking advantage. Because he knows that what he is doing is wrong, that allowing a personal relationship to develop with a client is a huge professional violation, and not just because some rule is written on a license or certificate somewhere, but because it damages the person he is supposed to be helping - the person who is least able to see it objectively and protect herself from that damage. Plain and simple. And his putting the burden on you by telling you he doesn't want to take advantage of you - thus inducing you to assure him that he isn't - is a cheap and unprofessional way of releiving the guilt of what he knows he is doing wrong. And this doesn't even touch on the subject of his infidelity to his wife. Stick to your guns. Your instincts are trying to protect you. Continue to protect yourself so you can get back to the process of healing. Link to post Share on other sites
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