I kissed a married man and am falling in love!

[dropdeadlegs]

Fun2BeMe,

 

IRL means in real life.

 

I know the advice you're getting seems negative. Sometimes the message is delivered in a harsher, no-nonsense way, and sometimes it is more sugar coated, but I think everyone agrees that you are very likely playing with fire.

 

I don't post much in the OW/OM forums, but I read those forums on occasion. I must agree that your story sounds very familiar. Almost everyone in that particular situation feels that their story, their connection, is "different" and many use the word soulmates.

 

You have asked how can you and he know if the chemistry is enough to even consider a divorce based on what has happened thus far? How, without going any further emotionally and physically, can it be determined that you are indeed a love match and should be together forever?

 

I think the point the posters, including me, are trying to make is that while he is married he is in no place to entertain thoughts and feelings of that nature. Leaving his marriage shouldn't be about finding someone (you) he is drawn to and cannot deny his emotions for. It should be a completely separate situation involving what is lacking in his marriage. He should face his marriage and deal with it appropriately before involving himself with another.

 

In a perfect world, of course.

 

I won't pretend I know all about your situation and can predict the future. Just be aware that most affairs do not end with the man leaving his wife for the OW. Yes, some do, and some of those even end up in completely faithful marriages the second time around. Unfortunately that is the exception, not the rule.

 

I would hate to see you here in a few months or years with your emotions in shambles, wondering how you ever allowed yourself to get into such a mess. Now is the moment of truth, and you have to choose which path to venture down. You, at all times, have the ability to backtrack to the other path, but parts of your journey may forever change who you are in the process. There will be both pleasure and pain on each path, but those pleasures and pains will be quite different depending on your chosen route.

 

Nobody here can act as your moral police, it is only you who can decide what is appropriate and what you have to do in order to live your life with no regrets. This thread is not premature because you have a lot of thinking and consideration ahead of you. Try to read it again taking the "you" out of the picture. Read it as if it is a post by someone else and carefully think about how you would reply to someone in this situation.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

F2BM,

 

When I started reading your post I actually thought it was satyrical! Got further down the tread and though, good god, she IS SERIOUS.

 

Tell you what, read back 6 month of even just thread topics and then do and archives search and read 6 months of just the thread topics there, then go back another year and read just the thread topics there. You'll get the picture really quick, different names, diffente dates, same topics, over and over and over.... there is a very good reason for that!

[whichwayisup]

I can't believe I'm posting in this forum. I am always against getting involved with a married person - BUT today I kssed a married man I've had a crush on and now it feels like we're on fire.

 

He is happily married but initiated the kiss, a full long one:love: whereas in the past I have initiated short friendly peck kisses.

 

Do I pursue this? He asked to see me later in the week and I have butterflies just thinking about him. I am falling in love with him, but I have to remind myself he's married and am not sure what to do.

 

I think he is the love of my life and don't want to miss the opportunity of having a future together. He used to talk about his wife (nice things) but lately he has not mentioned her so I can also assume they might be having problems though they seem happy together so I don't know, am so confused. Any advice?

 

Fun - I've been trying to help you for so long - And now reading this post (I've not read the full 4 pages yet, but I want to reply to your first post) I have to say, I'm in complete shock.

 

You're in therapy, trying to better yourself. I thought you were taking a break from MEN and RELATIONSHIPS until you fixed your own issues and problems....And now I read that you're letting yourself fall inlove with a MM? Don't you think you've suffered enough in your previous relationships? Don't you feel you deserve better than to be some MM's side-fling?

 

I will write more later, I want to read this thread and see what else is being said...But for now I'll say this. You're about to make the BIGGEST mistake of your life that will mess you up more than you could ever imagine. And, you'll be hurting an innocent woman, his wife. YOU know what it's like to be cheated upon, so why on earth would you want to do that to another woman??? Think outside the box here and not just about what you want and what makes you feel good.

 

I also suggest you talk to your Therapist about this - Hopefully he can discourage you, as well as everyone else here on LS, to run away from the MM.

[whichwayisup]

I have the power and right to demand he get a divorce.

 

No, you don't. He's a fool to let a kiss happen between you two, and you'll be the fool if you think you have that much power to demand him to divorce his wife. For so many reasons..........Fun, stop and THINK. Remember the distorted thoughts I talked about in your other posts? Well, your thoughts right now ARE distorted. Don't let your heart and emotions rule you. Take the blinders off.

[whichwayisup]

FUN, you know me and how I just say it as I see it. I care, yet I am gonna be slightly harsh (I know you expect this from me too... ) so here it goes.

 

This MM has caught your eye. That's okay. Flirting and enjoying someone's attention is normal...It is what it is...Just flirting. BUT, kissing him and allowing yourself to fall for him is a huge mistake. Whatever is going on in his marriage doesn't give him the right to choose to cheat on his wife. Also, you haven't a clue what his marriage is like behind closed doors. Because he hasnt' mentioned his wife much to you, don't assume that things are bad between them. He is looking for attention and needs to feed his ego - DO NOT fall for it or for the crap he will tell you - Bottomline - MM LIE and I suggest you take the time and go read many threads in this section. And, also go read threads in the infidelity section because you need to SEE the what betrayed spouses go through, let alone families that are devastated by affairs when D-day comes around. The kids...Does he have any??

 

I really want you to make an appt. with your therapist and tell him all this stuff, let him help you see that you're about to ruin your life if you pursue the MM.

 

YOU have control over your own life, you're just starting to learn this in therapy...Going down this new path with the MM will only take you off the proper path you were just on afew weeks ago....

 

So how do we get to take things further for us to find out if we're meant for each other to the point of him leaving his wife? This is too confusing. I can't ask him to leave his wife over a kiss and he wouldn't do that in all sanity. So what do we do?

 

You do nothing. Absolutely nothing. He isn't yours to pursue, he is married. You leave it as it is, a kiss happened, move on and let go, don't look back. He has a history with his wife, inlaws, a house, a life built. Friends and neighbours...You cannot compete with that and in all honesty it was WRONG of him to cross the line by kissing you (or letting you kiss him, however it happened.)

 

It isn't confusing...You are making it confusing by considering to take it to another level. Be the strong one and tell him goodbye, that you will not let him cheat on his wife. Be better than that, rise above how he makes you feel and say to yourself I WANT A SINGLE MAN, not one who is MARRIED. MAKE rules and boundries for YOU, lines that you will not cross. I hope this makes sense to you.

 

I think what makes my situation different is the possibility that his marriage might be a good one, not unhappy. He falls in love with me and leaves his wife for ME. It's not like he's bored or unhappy, but if we are soulmates he is drawn to me because we are meant to be together, right? This is what's complicated, how to know for sure we are meant to be together yet for him not to cheat. I don't know what to do.

He is not in a position to let himself fall inlove with you, he has a wife. Soulmates or not - He has a committment to his wife, he said vows. IF you let him cheat, you'll be the side-dish for his selfish needs.

 

If he thinks you are his soulmate, he'll divorce his wife NOW and come to you NOW...But, don't get your hopes up because you two shared a heated kiss. Be realistic, k.

 

I hope you know I"m trying to help you so you won't be in the middle of a huge mess that I know you'll regret later into the future. If you think you were messed up and feeling bad with the other men from your previous relationships, just wait until this blows up and ruins you, let alone him and his family, his wife and children if he has any.

[herenow]

Please don't think I'm trying to be harsh with this question, but I have to ask. Was there an alcohol involved when he kissed you?

 

Sometimes people cross a line that they would never cross unless they were a bit intoxicated. I have read stories like that on this forum and I'm just wondering since he has never made a move before, why now?

[Trimmer]

I might always wonder if I am walking away from the soulmate God has put in front of me.

You know, I'm not a religious person, but since you mention wondering about God's intentions for you, may I point out that although the idea of soul mates or twin souls has been around in some form as far back as the Greeks, I think the Christian faith is pretty clear on God's view of marriage: "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Matthew, 19:6

 

Maybe a more capable Bible scholar than I can find some competing concept or semantic loophole to argue against me here, but it seems pretty clear to me, both in the literal translation and in society's generally recognized view of marriage. Marriage is sacred, don't interfere with it.

 

So it doesn't seem likely that God has plunked down a married soulmate in front of you, expecting the two of you to go and make sweet whoopie to see if you are really compatible, and go off and divorce so he can live happily ever after with you. This is in your hands and completely under your control. Own it yourself; don't blame it on God.

[Topper]

Believe it or not i understand you dilemma. I understand that sometimes good People good men and woman can let their emotions get the better of them.

I was once the guy in your situation Married and working close with someone who I was attracted to. She was single I was married. For a very long time we did nothing about our mutual attraction. Then we started talking and getting more personal. at some point we were having an emotional affair. I was sharing more with her then my wife.

I think you are in this stage right now.

One night I wanted to celebrate a big deal that i had just closed. I called mu my wife didn't want to go out. She told me to go have some fun and she would see me when I got home. My partner Richard and I planned to have a drink or two and dinner. I called Richard he was in Ann's Office. Ann and one of her Girlfriends joined us. After a few drinks a great Dinner and a lot of laughs I drove Ann to her home we kissed that night and it felt great.

That is as far as we ever got. She and I were both torn confused and needed to remove each other from temptation. Ann was the biggest temtation of my whole married life. We stopped having business lunches or after work strategy meetings. It was vary sad and lonly feeling for both of us when we did have to meet during work hours.

There are lots of soul mates out there. This one is married move on.

Talk to this guy. if he is 1/2 the man you think he is he will walk away. It will hurt but it is the best thing for both of you.

[Meaplus3]

No. When you start seeing a free, available, SINGLE man, you let things "develop" to see whether or not it's something to pursue.

 

He knows what he means TO HIS WIFE. He knows what HIS WIFE MEANS TO HIM. YOU should NOT be entering that equation to see what he means to YOU and vice versa. He pledged his life to another woman, NOT YOU. You can't even use the laaaaaaaaaaaaame excuse most MM use that they're ooooh soooo miserable to justify trying to "develop" things with him, because you said it yourself - he's HAPPILY MARRIED.

 

Listen to yourself. You're inconistent all over the place just to justify chasing some butterflies in your stomach. In one breath, you're saying you need time for things to develop to make sure your feelings are real, and in another breath you're saying that he's your soul mate. BS. He's NOT your soulmate. Your soulmate is a SINGLE, available man who wouldn't chase some pretty tail for a momentary thrill because he's a little bored in his marriage.

 

I'm telling you - DO NOT DO THIS. You will be MISERABLE. Those moments of thrill and excitement will be just that - moments - and oh so fleeting. The vast majority of your time will be spent crying over this man, so miserable and sad because you'll know each time he leaves you to go home he's going home to the woman he REALLY loves: his wife.

 

Don't do it.

--------------------------

I'm telling you - DO NOT DO THIS. You will be MISERABLE. Those moments of thrill and excitement will be just that - moments - and oh so fleeting. The vast majority of your time will be spent crying over this man, so miserable and sad because you'll know each time he leaves you to go home he's going home to the woman he REALLY loves: his wife.

Don't do it.

 

Very Well Said Stargazer! Fun2BME- Take a minute to read what Stargazer wrote, because it's the TRUTH!

 

AP:)

[Trialbyfire]

I would suggest that you call your therapist and schedule a session and explain this scenario about the MM to him before things go too far.

You are vulnerable with your past breakup and the MM will only exploit the vulnerabilities you have.

Good advice. Therapy for certain.

 

As for her vulnerability, you've got to be kidding. She's taking an active role. Deep kisses and thoughts like hers are not exactly passive resistance.

 

Talk about self-delusional. It's unbelievable how someone can justify their actions because it's the typical "me, me, me" entitlement attitude. It's only morally degenerative if it's someone else. Soulmates my hidey-hole...

[Art_Critic]

As for her vulnerability, you've got to be kidding.

 

She is vulnerable... Her past threads on LS regarding her last BF show this side of her..

 

Any person can be vulnerable after having and going thru a bad relationship and our judgment can be off a few degrees as well as we may not be thinking with our head and more with our emotions.

 

While I agree that she would be responsible for any carnage that would come from her having an affair I also believe that she isn't on sure footing with her emotional compass either... that is why I believe that she needs to tell her therapist about the MM

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Exactly Art Critic,

 

And even a medocre player can smell that a mile a way. Especially the married ones. I have known of a man with a beautiful (inside and out) wife who cheated with a fat ugly crazy girl. Why, because she was an easy target.

[bigblueeyes]

I only read the first page, and OH MY GOD!!!!

 

I just recognised myself so clearly. He is amazng, handsome, he so sweet, it feels different than with any other man.......

 

All I can say is that a year later, it isn't that hot crying everytime you say goodbye, because he goes back to his wife.

 

A year later, it isn't so hot when your social life sucks because you cancel appointments with friends last minute, because he is demanding your attention.

 

A year later, it isn't so hot when you're missing work because you're depressed about the situation that you're in.

 

A year later, it isn't so hot when you start fighting because of the promises he made to keep you, but never intends to fulfill.

 

A year later, it isn't so hot when you realise that you have been fooling yourself and there is only person to blame and that is you.

 

Want me to go on?

[Trialbyfire]

She is vulnerable... Her past threads on LS regarding her last BF show this side of her..

 

Any person can be vulnerable after having and going thru a bad relationship and our judgment can be off a few degrees as well as we may not be thinking with our head and more with our emotions.

 

While I agree that she would be responsible for any carnage that would come from her having an affair I also believe that she isn't on sure footing with her emotional compass either... that is why I believe that she needs to tell her therapist about the MM

I guess I don't understand her at all. The impression I get is that she was passive with the last guy, until he finally cheated on her. Now she's actively pursuing a relationship with a MARRIED man. It's like she fixates on men who aren't good for her, sometimes reading more into what they say and do, than is warranted. Time for her to step back and take a breather, with realization that these guys are only going to use her and spit her out, which creates a continuous unhealthy negative cycle.

 

Definitely, therapy is in order here.

[a4a]

I guess I don't understand her at all. The impression I get is that she was passive with the last guy, until he finally cheated on her. Now she's actively pursuing a relationship with a MARRIED man. It's like she fixates on men who aren't good for her, sometimes reading more into what they say and do, than is warranted. Time for her to step back and take a breather, with realization that these guys are only going to use her and spit her out, which creates a continuous unhealthy negative cycle.

 

Definitely, therapy is in order here.

 

ah not really all that passive - maybe passive aggressive in a sense.

 

she cheated on the X (if I recall this correctly without researching) got pregnant and was planning on pinning the X with the baby....... that is not passive or in the victim category as I see it.

 

I think she likes drama. period. That is what this will lead to for sure.

[Trialbyfire]

ah not really all that passive - maybe passive aggressive in a sense.

 

she cheated on the X (if I recall this correctly without researching) got pregnant and was planning on pinning the X with the baby....... that is not passive or in the victim category as I see it.

 

I think she likes drama. period. That is what this will lead to for sure.

I didn't know about that part. Hmmm...interesting psychy. Adrenaline junkie? Drama causes high emotional output. While passion is a necessity in life (at least for me), negative passion can be debilitating until your judgement or ability to gauge situations gets badly skewed.

 

Fantasyland is not a good place to be. It will only get worse without an honest effort through therapy, especially being direct and honest with your therapist so they can help to get your feet firmly planted on the ground.

[Guest]

Does he have children? If so, have you thought about what this will do to them?

[Bree]

Hold up! Happily married and he's kissing you. Is it just me or is something wrong with this picture. Plus if he really is so happily married why would you and him F*** it up! Oh i know because your both selfish! If you were so meant to be, he wouldnt be happily married!!!!!

[AJS]

Does he have children? If so, how does it make you feel knowing this could hurt them?

[Guest]

As a woman, I just wanted to say thanks. You are really making us look super good here. He's married - have enough dignity to walk away. Are you familiar with Karma? If he was worth it at all, he would leave his wife and family before messing around with you.

 

IMHO - you are both skanks.

[smartgirl]

F2bme - I make it a point never to get personal with people in these forums - but in your case I will make an exception because your posts are just too, too much.

 

Are you 18 years old? Because you sound like it. You sound like a crazed, delusional babysitter who believes she will be the next woman of the house to be blunt. You need some serious help from a professional and if you don't get it now you will have a long, painful life ahead of you.

 

I wish I could find this MM and warn him to run, not walk, as fast as he can. Yes please - tell him how much you love him and that you expect him to get a divorce. As you watch him run for the nearest exit, stop and think about the path your life is taking. It isn't good.

[outofdarkness]

I can't believe I'm posting in this forum. I am always against getting involved with a married person - BUT today I kssed a married man I've had a crush on and now it feels like we're on fire.

 

He is happily married but initiated the kiss, a full long one:love: whereas in the past I have initiated short friendly peck kisses.

 

Do I pursue this? He asked to see me later in the week and I have butterflies just thinking about him. I am falling in love with him, but I have to remind myself he's married and am not sure what to do.

 

I think he is the love of my life and don't want to miss the opportunity of having a future together. He used to talk about his wife (nice things) but lately he has not mentioned her so I can also assume they might be having problems though they seem happy together so I don't know, am so confused. Any advice?

Good luck w/ this...most likely, there is no future w/ this man..He sounds like a creep!

[Art_Critic]

I wish I could find this MM and warn him to run, not walk, as fast as he can.

 

Why would you think the MM needs to be warned ? He is creep.. The MM is the one getting ready to break his Vows.. the Vows he made to his wife..

[IfWishesWereHorses]

He already has in my opinion.

[Art_Critic]

He already has in my opinion.

 

Yeah.. I think you're right...