pelagicsands Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 In all honesty, if an OW/OM stand up in a crowded room full of strangers, then stood up and shushed everyone, then said "HEY EVERYONE!! I'm gonna go have an affair with a MM!!!" How the heck do you think people would react? It's politically correct to gasp, and appear shocked. But, deep down, they're all just jealous. Jealous of the mystery, the excitement, the distraction from life's monotony. And, most of all, the steamy, soul-rocking sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 Actually I did volunteer work with kids for a long time, a lot of these kids were troubled and needed a shoulder to cry on or simple guidance. I have some experience in councelling kids in despair. In fact one of the first things they teach you to ask a person thinking of commiting suicide is how they will do it and what steps they plan to take to commit the act. you ask them to play out what will happen and you listen. From there you decide how serious they are about doing what they say they plan to do. sometimes just because you don't understand the theory behind a certain action it doesn't mean that it's what it appears. No, I do very much understand what you are describing above, which is to encourage someone to consider the consequences of possible behaviors. My phrase for this in working with kids is to "press the play button", as if to "play out the tape" in their heads as a metaphor to help them to consider possible realistic outcomes and scenarios. I do understand this very well, and I agree with the approach. However, I find it disingenuous that you are claiming that you are now taking the approach of "winning their trust first and THEN let them know how you feel and why it makes sense to do things the right way..." The exchange that triggered this whole excursion was this: I think maybe we should try a different approach with new posters in this category because this method doesn't work. Let's tell them to go for it! Let's tell them that we can't see a reason not to. Let's tell them that he's their solemate, that it's true love, not lust, that if it weren't for them, he'd never have done something like this. I say we try that approach with the next person in this situation and see what happens. I totally agree with this post. People don't come here looking for a reason to stop what they are doing, they have already made up their minds to do whatever it is they are going to do before they even post. People (for the most part) come on here hoping to find a way to make their situation unique. It's not until they fall flat on their face and get a huge achey black eye and a broken nose that they are willing to hear all the advice. You can't talk someone out doing something they are predisposed to do, it comes from within. If you are now backing off your "total agreement" with SS that we should encourage people to act in ways we believe to be destructive, and actively bolster their delusions in the process, then I'm OK with it. That was the approach that I objected to - encouraging the actions and choices that you believe to be destructive, and I stand by my disagreement. Link to post Share on other sites
4whatItsWorth Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 F2BM...I really do hope you take some advice at heart. If you read your posts through our eyes, you'd be extremely concerned. You know in your heart it's all the same. MMs are a no-no. In the end, they love nobody but themselves. And they are cowards who cannot face confrontations...not knights in shiny armor. You make a mountain out of a molehill. And how I hate it when OWs call cheating MMs "loyal"... Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 F2BM...I really do hope you take some advice at heart. If you read your posts through our eyes, you'd be extremely concerned. You know in your heart it's all the same. MMs are a no-no. In the end, they love nobody but themselves. And they are cowards who cannot face confrontations...not knights in shiny armor. You make a mountain out of a molehill. And how I hate it when OWs call cheating MMs "loyal"... A CS could be disloyal to their spouse but loyal to the OW/OM. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 A CS could be disloyal to their spouse but loyal to the OW/OM. How is a CS not loyal to their OM/OW? He/she is STILL married, so how is that loyal? Or do you mean CS only has ONE OM/OW, or are CS says they are not having sex with their spouse? Link to post Share on other sites
Hugh_950 Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 How is a CS not loyal to their OM/OW? He/she is STILL married, so how is that loyal? Or do you mean CS only has ONE OM/OW, or are CS says they are not having sex with their spouse? My MW (the CS) claimed loyalty to me. Based on her viewpoint that there was no sex with her H. Why she'd even get a little pouty if I insinuated that she was not loyal to me. Especially during conversations where I teased about finding another girlfriend to not have sex with too. Just dinner, movies, live in the same home with separate bedrooms. HEY! where the heck is whats-her-name? Anyone ever hear from Fun2BMe? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 Anyone anyone ever hear from Fun2BMe? My guess? She went on that date with the MM, slept with him and doesn't want to come back here and admit that. I could be wrong, but she sounded fairly determined to be with this guy, and someone who is in a state of vulnerability like that is bound to end up being taken advantage of: particularly sexually. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 But Hugh, did you really believe her? That she and her husband were not having sex? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 FUN will be back. I think she's very overwhelmed right now too. Besides, this is a pattern for her, she opens up, starts a thread, reads the replies and then comes back in afew days...She'll be back. Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 She's probably exhausted. Link to post Share on other sites
Hugh_950 Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 But Hugh, did you really believe her? That she and her husband were not having sex? I did. But he was sadly gross. They would even turn heads because of the extreem differences. I used to tease her further saying, "OK then, how 'bout I find me a fat girlfriend to not have sex with too? - It'll just be plutonic, with lot's of interesting talk and stuff like that. You can trust me! I won't bang her." Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 Yet, they still shared a bed and she chose to stay married to him... The other thing is, she'll never admit to you that she had sex with him because she wouldn't want to hurt your feelings. Omitting the truth like that is still lying. Link to post Share on other sites
Hugh_950 Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 My guess? She went on that date with the MM, slept with him ... Think maybe? What if he can't get it up, or not well endowed. Since they're not married, she can take him back (like Nordstom's) for a bigger one! What the heck, she's only kissed him once. Link to post Share on other sites
Hugh_950 Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 Yet, they still shared a bed and she chose to stay married to him... The other thing is, she'll never admit to you that she had sex with him because she wouldn't want to hurt your feelings. Omitting the truth like that is still lying. True all that. Except for having separate bedrooms. That's the story. But if so, why would he stay with her? I've known some couples (young) in sexless marriages - which I don't get either. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 Except for having separate bedrooms. That's the story. I've known some couples (young) in sexless marriages - which I don't get either. I don't get why it's so unbelievable that people have sexless marriages...there's quite a few right here on LS on different forums...and I have female friends/acquaintances that admit to being in them...it's not as uncommon as one would think... But like you, Hugh, I don't get why married people don't have sex either...I get more sex single than I did when I was married... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 I don't get why married people don't have sex either...I get more sex single than I did when I was married... When I was married I had sex once or twice a day 5-7 days a week the whole 5 year marriage.. We even had sex hours before we separated.. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 It seems to me that you really want it to develop, right now you are so infatuated that the idea of it not developing, or being sexual with him, seems out of the question...like if someone offered you a million dollars and you had to say no to it. I am not sure what the answer is. I think there is some wisdom in not letting it develop because you hold yourself in too much high esteem, and also letting him know that because you like him so much, you would not do that to yourself. I was in love with a married man once, and would not put out because I was so in love...and felt that it was too dangerous for my self esteem. In some ways I wish I had, but I suspect it would have been much worse if I did. Still, that feeling of 'never knowing' what would have come out of it is there. Ralistically, looking at statistics, most married men do not leave their spouses. There are some that did not put out, like Anne Boleyn and Henry 8 broke with the Holy Roman Catholic Church so he could marry her..she made him wait 8 years. In some ways if seems 'damned if you do, damned if you dont' but if you dont you might keep your self-esteem...not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 When I was married I had sex once or twice a day 5-7 days a week the whole 5 year marriage.. We even had sex hours before we separated.. Just had to rub it in, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 Hmmmm something doesn't sound right here. I still think that MM she kissed is in fact her therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 I think what makes my situation different is the possibility that his marriage might be a good one, not unhappy. He falls in love with me and leaves his wife for ME. It's not like he's bored or unhappy, but if we are soulmates he is drawn to me because we are meant to be together, right? This is what's complicated, how to know for sure we are meant to be together yet for him not to cheat. I don't know what to do. F2B, That is all the more reason not to interfere with his marriage. I think the term 'soul mate' has been bantied around a little too often as of late. What is a 'soul mate' anyway -- someone you get along with all the time? Soul mate or not, that's not necessarily a spouse, and soul mate and spouse are NOT the same. I don't give a shyte how much of a soul mate a man might be, if I were a woman, I would hope he knows something about finding a decent job, taking care of kids, mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, not spending money like a spoiled teenage punk brat, and just a general degree of loyalty. THAT is what qualifies a man to be married, not whether he makes you laugh or gives you goose bumps. Put down the fantasy novels, take a step back and really, really, give this a second thought. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 Fun2beme has borderline personality disorder. There's nothing anyone can do to help her, trust me Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 When I was married I had sex once or twice Don't complain... that's not too bad considering it's all downhill from the honeymoon. Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 There's nothing anyone can do to help her, trust me Am I the only one here who believes that sex is therapeutic? Link to post Share on other sites
Hugh_950 Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 Am I the only one here who believes that sex is therapeutic? I do! And more! It ranks with air, food and water. Or let me think ... I could go without air for a few minutes. I could go without water for a few days. I could go without food for a few weeks. OK then, sex ranks with water! Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 Fun, You can not even handle getting a dog... why do you think that you could handle getting involved with a MM.. I have not kept updated with this thread but know that you should stay away from getting involved. And if this person is your therapist it is time to get a new one. Link to post Share on other sites
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