Dealing with Grief

[Aloros]

I've never had to lose anyone I was close to. My beloved cat has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. He's not even two years old yet. I've lost pets before (including cats), but I have never bonded with an animal the way I have with this cat. He's very special, I paid a bundle to get him and I spent over four years researching and saving money. When people come over, he's one of the first things they comment on, either due to his looks or his behavior. He's one of a kind. He always greets me at the door with head butts, follows me around, cuddles with me when I sit or lie down, and makes me laugh by getting into my cupboards, drawers, zippered things, and causing mischief. It's hard to delineate how important he is to me. I have these life goals that I strive to meet, and getting him met one of these goals. I've been slowly achieving my goals, and having him felt right, like things were falling into place. He was supposed to live longer than a normal cat.

 

I spent a couple of weeks just crying, at random times. I'm done crying, but I still feel a constant knot of anxiety in my chest and I'm so so angry. I felt better channeling that anger against the disease - getting him to one of the best vet hospitals in the world, getting him on the latest experimental medications, finding a recipe for and brewing up a high calorie diet so he could put on some weight... but I've recently run out of things to do. There is nothing left.

 

I started a fight with my boyfriend yesterday, on purpose. It was over pretty fast, once I realized what I was doing. I feel really awful about it.

 

I just need to find some other kind of outlet, something that will make me feel better again. It's horrible. I have to watch the cat that I raised and love decline over a period of months before the disease attacks his brain and I have to let him go.

 

I'm just so mad. I'm not religious, so I can't even direct that anger at God. I'm just angry at this disease. I'm angry that there's no cure. I'm angry that I have to watch one of the best things in my life fade away. I'm angry at my other cat, whom I love but am not as bonded to, because he's perfectly healthy. I'm mad because I will not have the money to purchase another cat like him for a very very long time and even if I did, I wouldn't want to because the cat would not be the same. I'm angry that all his siblings, half-siblings, and his parents are fine, and he is the only one that has been stricken.

 

I think I'm starting to feel a little self-destructive. My options ended on Sunday. I bought and read an e-book about the disease, researched the medications he's on, and that was it. Nothing left to do but wait. I started getting the weird urge, yesterday, to go out and sleep around. I don't understand it. I love my boyfriend so much. He's been so good to me through all this. I was so relieved when he got home. I went over to his place feeling like I wanted to fight with him or have sex with him, and I just ended up doing both.

 

Am I crazy? Is this normal? I don't sleep as much anymore.

[quankanne]

crazy? No – I think this is a normal response to deep-seated grieving over someone (yes, your kitty counts as a someone) you love dearly, but the positive thing is that you know where it's coming from.

 

I'll have to look at older posts here, but one of the mods put up a wonderful link for animal lovers who have gone through the death of their companions, I'll post it when I find it.

 

meanwhile, I'm truly sorry about your kitty – every so often we form tighter than tight bonds with an animal companion that the thought of losing them is inconceivable. Even though his health is failing, are you able to do things with him and spend time with him? That might help ease the pain, just being with him.

 

hugs,

q

[quankanne]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117931/?highlight=pet+loss

 

scroll down to the poem posted here, called The Rainbow Bridge ...

[Bree]

What is his illness?

[Aloros]

What is his illness?

 

FIP ([COLOR=#0000ff]Feline infectious peritonitis[/COLOR]) :(

[Bree]

How sad!! Thats a horrible disease being a pet owner myself, I really feel for you. Just remember that you've done all you can. I know its sad but atleast your cat has an owner who is there for him.

[blind_otter]

I spent a couple of weeks just crying, at random times. I'm done crying, but I still feel a constant knot of anxiety in my chest and I'm so so angry.

 

I started a fight with my boyfriend yesterday, on purpose. It was over pretty fast, once I realized what I was doing. I feel really awful about it.

 

I just need to find some other kind of outlet, something that will make me feel better again.

 

I'm just so mad.

 

I think I'm starting to feel a little self-destructive.

Am I crazy? Is this normal? I don't sleep as much anymore.

 

Sounds like the normal grieving process to me. What concerns me is that you are acting out, or having the urge to act out inappropriately. Don't let your anger control you.

 

You know some therapists suggest that anger isn't a "real" emotion, but an inappropriate way to express other, deeper emotions like sadness, depression, anxiety, or grief.

 

My Dad passed away about 6 months ago. While he was dying (it took him about 11 months to die from lung cancer) I felt a lot of rage, too. A lot of helpless anger. But I alleviated some of the negative feelings by being there for him as his strength ebbed away.

 

I hope you can find an appropriate outlet for all the emotions you are experiencing. Try journeling, get some books on grief and the gieving process, educate yourself on what you are going through and get stories from other people. Learn all you can about the process that you will go through. That's the best advice I can give. It's what has been helping me through the grieving process.

[EnigmaXOXO]

You know some therapists suggest that anger isn't a "real" emotion, but an inappropriate way to express other, deeper emotions like sadness, depression, anxiety, or grief.

 

Never done any research or been to grief counciling myself, but I’m beginning to see this very thing happening between my sister and father as they deal with the anxiety of my mother’s situation. I guess grief manifests itself in many ways depending on the individual. It sure helps to get a little clarity and first-hand insight on this. Thanks for the posts, Otter and Aloros!