New Alcoholic, Boyfriend Lack of Support

[PositiveShine]

I really appreciate all of the advice I receive, particularly from fellow alocholics. I'm 3 weeks sober, and very excited about my new life. No urge to drink, no cravings, family/friends are extremely supportive.

 

My boyfriend is the one who left me a letter saying I needed serious help, including info on AA, depression, etc. And I definitely did, as I was drinking a jug of wine at least every day, and was barely coherent on the weekends. His letter made me realize how disgusting I'd become and I immediately attended therapy and my first AA meeting that same day. I was welcomed and folks were proud of me.

 

Ever since I admitted to being an alcoholic, my bf has backpeddled to wanting me to drink socially with him on the weekends, and even gone far enough to doubt the actual existence of "alcoholism." I felt like he wanted me to get HIS type of help, that would suit his lifestyle (he drinks a bit himself) so he wouldn't have to adjust.

 

I put him through hell during the 3 months I drank constantly to numb myself. I don't even remember most of it, but it did some very serious damage to us (not cheating, but said awful things, insecure, etc). I have taken full accountability for that, and know it will take time to heal. However, I've given him the means which he committed to doing (Alanon, meeting with my sponsor, 100% percent support) but he has yet to take any steps to do so - ball is in his court and his decision, just the same as it is for me to stay sober. I've begun to notice that he's been very harsh on my progress and negative, belittling my efforts, etc. I actually enjoy being away from him more than with him, bc I feel like I"m walking on eggshells. I have a firm belief that he wants me to hurt like he did, and refuses to discuss the issue at all and "just wants to have a fun weekend." Finally I just told him that I'm not bringing up the issue again, and when he's ready to talk, I'll be here. I can't fight the battle for both of us, and need to focus on my recovery. But I know he is resentful for the lack of support he had when he had to deal with me at my worst.

 

I'm very confused. He has chosen to go through this with me and committed to work with me on it. But I can't keep feeling small and like I'm a disappointment to him and having increased anxiety when he's home while trying to wait until he's ready to talk/heal. I don't know if there is a timeframe or what, this is new to me. He lacks respect for my situation, like insisting on going to every single drinking event he's invited to, knowing that I am not ready to be around that yet. He deserves a social life, but it would mean a lot if he just skipped ONE to spend some time just the two of us. I (possibly too personally?) see it as him preferring to drink and enjoy that time out w/out me more than being with me. I feel secondary and unsupported, and it's not even a consideration for him to do that.

 

I am fully ready to go through this without him, I'm doing this for myself. I wish if he can't handle it, he'd just leave so we can move on to find better people for eachother. Yeah, he is angry and wants revenge, and some of you may say "you had it coming." Then why is he still around?? I am giving 100% of my efforts towards the very thing he wanted me to stop doing, yet I'm getting nothing/negative/non-communicative reactions from him about the whole thing. PLEASE, this is very serious to me, so anyone who has some experience and can help, it would mean so much. I don't know whether to leave him, or be patient and hope he comes around. Thanks.

[mrmaximum]

Firstly I want to pat you on the back for what you've done. You admitted you have a problem and are taking steps to rectify the situation, good job. Your boyfriend, hmmm, whether he wants to or not he is complicating the situation. I think it's time for a long talk between the two of you. You are trying to heal yourself and his repeated attempts to take you out to alcoholic socials and belittling what you are trying to accomplish is underminine your progress. Did he go through hell, my MIL is an alcoholic and I've heard the stories and seen some things first hand, but that is no reason to sabotage you. Tell him all of this and if he doesn't change, then sadly, he will have to go. You aren't just doing this for your relationship, you are also doing this for your future. He should know this and be behind you all the way.

 

Good Luck and God Bless:)

[LoveLace]

I think it sord of makes your BF a hipocrit, for insisting that you need help, etc, and then expecting you to participate in social drinking. He wanted you to take his letter seriously, but he fails to take your accomplishment seriously. He may not have expected you to follow through with his suggestions, or may not have expected you to be so successful, perhaps your strength is making him feel weak. Part of him wants you to give in so that he doesn't feel this way.

 

Tell him you don't feel that his support is as strong as it was in the letter, yet you need his support more now than ever before. Explain that you not only did it because he wanted you to, but you did it for yourself. You want him to be proud of you but that's not possible if you go out and have drinks with him.

 

My roommate quit drinking 7 years ago, after being alcoholic from 8yrs. old to 30 yrs. old. His long-term girlfriend was a heavy drinker as well. When he returned from rehab, their relationship was different. She continued to drink heavily in his presence and they broke up. Some time later they reconciled but only because she had let up on her own habit a lot by then. I remember at 1st that those close to him found it hard to believe that he had really quit, and those of us who had drank with him actually "missed" him in a way. It was quite some time before everybody was finally accepting and used to it. So in a way, it's an adjustment for your BF like it is for you as well. By encouraging you to drink, he's not making the adjustment easy for either of you. Maybe putting some time/space between you for a little while would put things into perspective better, for both involved. Remind him that you are committed to not drinking for the rest of your life. Congratulations

[mrmaximum]

Some time later they reconciled but only because she had let up on her own habit a lot by then. I remember at 1st that those close to him found it hard to believe that he had really quit, and those of us who had drank with him actually "missed" him in a way.

 

My fiancee still tells me how even though she was glad that her alcoholic mother had quit drinking, that when she still was, she was a lot more fun (before would get out of hand that is)!!! It is an adjustment for everyone, but an adjustment that must be made.

[PositiveShine]

Thanks for your replies! I'm currently feeling like a social outcast and have had to repeatedly turn down social invitations because I know I'm not ready to be in a drinking environment (it will come in time).

 

I had a talk with the BF (he's finally communicating, and going to his first Alanon meeting tomorrow). And he said, "I know this will sound selfish, and uncaring . . but I don't want to have to adjust my lifestyle for someone else's problem." That hurt, but my sponsor said he's still angry. He also admitted that he wants me to hurt like he did while I was drinking, which is a step in the right direction (admission).

 

Right now he is at a softball game playing in a league. I would've gone, but he's going out to the bars with his friends afterwards. Just out of respect for my situation, I was hoping he'd come home after the game (didn't ask) as we need to spend some time together and start healing. I may be in a self-pity mode (and feel free to say so, I respect honesty), but I feel like 2nd priority to his going to a bar. I'm so happy he has a social life and want that to continue, but this is so new I thought he'd be more sensitive about it. Soon I'll be able to be in a bar atmosphere and not worry about it, but it's a battle and takes time.

 

I'm a little scared that the BF will find someone else who he doesn't have to "adjust for" while out and find her more interesting/fun, per your posts. I trust him and know he wouldn't cheat, but if he can't adjust then he won't want to go through this with me. I'm hoping that statement is a temporary feeling, but I'm very ready to do this on my own and just for me.

 

So, I guess that's my rant to your posts. Thanks again for taking the time to reply you guys .