scared and in need

[kunfused]

hi all - been watching for about a week and 1/2 now.

husband and I of 10 years separated a week and 4 days ago now. Two kids.... 8 and 4. Really having a hard time. Taking day by day. Husband was the one who initiated the leave... we don't communicate well. Often have fights that result in swearing, some anger on my part. I suffer from mild OCD, anxiety issues. Really don't know what to do or which direction to go. I have a best friend who is divorcing and I think deep down she wants me to do the same, so its hard to be advized only by her. I am seeking counseling. I am trying NC, but with children it is hard. I love him, I don't love how he treats me. He isn't romantic at all. He puts himself first, but is a wonderful father and an excellent worker. We have beautiful things together... yada yada. We work very well together on projects etc.... but our relationship has never been super strong. I am not at all first in his book. He has shared with me that he has no hope, that he is pretty sure he doesn't want to seek counseling (we have been to a few sessions, but no work on his part and I was at the time thinking that it was all him) so I wasn't working on things really either. I know now, that we are both guilty. we both need to work on it. I am wanting too, but not really sure why when he doesn't satisfy me emotionally. I need someone to give me some suggestions and keep me going here....

today I wanted to call him so bad. I am missing him. I'm really missing my kids. right now we are on an every other day rotation..... not easy and exhausting....

help

[Island Girl]

hi all - been watching for about a week and 1/2 now.

 

Welcome to LS.

 

husband and I of 10 years separated a week and 4 days ago now. Two kids.... 8 and 4. Really having a hard time. Taking day by day.

 

Ouch. The only the you can do right now is take it day by day.

 

Keep it all away from the kids, okay? Whatever is going on try to stay strong for them and let loose at night when they have gone to bed.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this, it has to be very difficult to say the least.

 

Husband was the one who initiated the leave... we don't communicate well. Often have fights that result in swearing, some anger on my part.

 

So these fights are about what? -- Obviously he is just done with the type of confrontation between the two of you. But that doesn't mean the communication style can't change or that it has to be completely over.

 

I suffer from mild OCD, anxiety issues. Really don't know what to do or which direction to go.

 

Realize what you can control and what you can't. I know this seems simplistic, however, when things are set in emotion what you can control can get confused easily with what you can't.

 

The mess can leave you reeling and reacting instead of acting.

 

One thing you can control is yourself and your reactions. So try to maintain and get a handle on what you see in your behavior that needs to change.

 

I say this not to influence your husband, although it could, but for your own happiness and peace of mind. You need to do your best with your actions and reactions and not worry about anyone else.

 

I have a best friend who is divorcing and I think deep down she wants me to do the same, so its hard to be advized only by her.

 

I wouldn't take her advice or ask for it. If you feel it is coming from that type of place you can't trust it. And her issues could cloud her perspective.

 

I am seeking counseling. I am trying NC, but with children it is hard.

 

You can not go NC. You can limit contact to be only about the children or the business of the household but you must keep communication open in your situation.

 

I love him, I don't love how he treats me. He isn't romantic at all. He puts himself first, but is a wonderful father and an excellent worker. We have beautiful things together... yada yada. We work very well together on projects etc.... but our relationship has never been super strong. I am not at all first in his book.

 

He has a lot of great qualities - and if you work well on projects there is a foundation of communication. I'm feeling like you don't communicate very well about your relationship but everything else is pretty good --- ?

 

Have you ever been first? Was he ever romantic?

 

He has shared with me that he has no hope, that he is pretty sure he doesn't want to seek counseling (we have been to a few sessions, but no work on his part and I was at the time thinking that it was all him) so I wasn't working on things really either. I know now, that we are both guilty. we both need to work on it.

 

Have you told him this? Your new perspective on your problems and that you have realized you need to work on some things too?

 

That could change his mind about counseling.

 

does he say he has no hope because of how you relate to each other or is it something else? Has he told you he doesn't love you anymore? -- if he has said it in a heated argument that doesn't necessarily count.

 

I am wanting too, but not really sure why when he doesn't satisfy me emotionally. I need someone to give me some suggestions and keep me going here....

 

You really need to figure out what you want for yourself.

 

Has he ever satisfied you emotionally?

 

Because if he hasn't then you need to understand what you are trying to hold onto and why.

 

Find your answers and see if the reasons you come up with do not have anything to do with HIM but are actually fear of being alone, etc.

 

today I wanted to call him so bad. I am missing him. I'm really missing my kids. right now we are on an every other day rotation..... not easy and exhausting....

help

 

If you are missing him, now is the time to sit down and find out what you REALLY miss. Is it HIM?

 

I say this because if it is indeed him that you miss. And you can discover what you really want, then you can make the choices necessary to try to get what you indeed want. It may be him. And once you are not conflicted, then you can do whatever you can get back on track.

 

If it is him, and you make up your mind to go after your relationship - you also have to understand that you can only work on you. If he remains distant and resolved in the separation, then you must accept that. It has to be a thought in the back of your mind so you can prepare and be strong either way it goes.

[kunfused]

So these fights are about what? -- Obviously he is just done with the type of confrontation between the two of you. But that doesn't mean the communication style can't change or that it has to be completely over.

 

Thanks for replying IG - fights are about anything, but then I take them into things he doesn't do, like no more touching, no more compliments etc. They always end up about our relationship and us not respecting each other.

 

Realize what you can control and what you can't.

 

I'm really working on that.

 

 

I wouldn't take her advice or ask for it. If you feel it is coming from that type of place you can't trust it. And her issues could cloud her perspective.

 

I do trust her completely, but I think she sees me hurting and doesn't want that.

 

 

 

You can not go NC. You can limit contact to be only about the children or the business of the household but you must keep communication open in your situation.

 

needed to hear that....

 

 

 

He has a lot of great qualities - and if you work well on projects there is a foundation of communication. I'm feeling like you don't communicate very well about your relationship but everything else is pretty good --- ?

 

I agree

 

Have you ever been first? Was he ever romantic?

 

not first ever, some romance - not much.... I have always "complained" about that.

 

 

 

Have you told him this? Your new perspective on your problems and that you have realized you need to work on some things too?

 

yes, did some begging....

 

 

 

does he say he has no hope because of how you relate to each other or is it something else? Has he told you he doesn't love you anymore? -- if he has said it in a heated argument that doesn't necessarily count.

 

still tells me he loves me, but only if I say it first. No hope because he doesn't ever see us not getting into these "blow up" fights and is sick of it. In anger I have said some nasty things.... ie) you are an ass, I want you to leave, I want a D.... not good things

 

 

Has he ever satisfied you emotionally?

 

This is where I think I am struggling the most.... I cannot even get my mind to go there right now - it isn't letting me.... worrying about the kids, wondering what he is doing etc.... I also have a job that doesn't require much time to think about personal things .....

 

If you are missing him, now is the time to sit down and find out what you REALLY miss. Is it HIM?

 

I have wondered this in the last few days.... again how do I get my mind to "go" there?

 

I am definately trying to "prepare" myself for the end in my mind as you suggested IG... but then I go back to thinking that we can make this work...

Thanks so much for all of you who reply to other people.... Its amazing what you can take from advice to fit into your own situation. LS family is really impressive and strong.

[quiet1one1]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I don't have a lot to offer except that you and your H both need to be committed to MC to even have the slightest chance of getting through this together. If he's not completely in, it won't happen. It's easy to say and tough to do I know, but worry about yourself and your kids right now. Even though you're a woman, I'd say that the "don't show your weakness" advice still is applicable. If you read any other threads - you've probably gotten your fill of that.

 

I don't want to make this harder for you but have you considered the possibilty that there is another woman?

 

Again, another family and marriage ready to be thrown away! I know Gunny's theories on marriage and they make perfect sense but I still hate to read this crap. Fell in love, got married, had kids, life got hard and complicated, and now it's easier to run than it is to fight?! Now she's wondering how SHE FEELS about him and what SHE'S DONE? Sorry - he's just another coward in my book.

[El-Producto]

Sorry that you are here, but welcome. I know it's hard to hear, but you have to find out if there is another woman. 99% of the time when one spouse initiates a separation, there has been an affair of some sort, with the exception of when abuse is involved.

 

Do lots of reading, read my thread, sumdudes, hurting_in_nw, and listen to Gunny, LadyJane and the rest of the vets. You have support, and aren't alone in any of this. Yes its harder with children involved, most of us know that first hand. But in order for any reconciliation to happen, both people have to be involved, and your husband won't be if there is another person in the mix.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[kunfused]

I don't want to make this harder for you but have you considered the possibilty that there is another woman?

 

yes, have thought about that.... he has lied to me two times now about where he has been. I don't think he has physically, but emotionally and communcation with AW has definately happened.

 

[kunfused]

okay - so I basically am going to continue NC,other than for family things, but also not going to "move" on anything unless he agrees to MC. I do believe that it will not work without some strong help in that regard.

 

How do I move my mind to "know" if I really want him, or just the comfort of someone who has been there for 17 years of my life....??

 

[El-Producto]

okay - so I basically am going to continue NC,other than for family things, but also not going to "move" on anything unless he agrees to MC. I do believe that it will not work without some strong help in that regard.

 

How do I move my mind to "know" if I really want him, or just the comfort of someone who has been there for 17 years of my life....??

 

 

No matter how many problems your marriage has had, it's very hard to "move on", I can tell you that first hand. You are addicted to the relationship, not your spouse. This isn't to say you don't love your spouse more than anything in the world, but if it doesn't work out you have to be ready to help yourself so that you can come out of this a better, stronger person and if you follow the advice of the people here, you can get there that much faster. The fact that you had the courage to post your situation, is a good start. I can give you a really good tip, that will help your NC. When you are feeling REALLY crappy, and you want to tell your spouse about it... post here instead. You will feel better for getting it off your chest, and you won't have told your spouse. Now this is all assuming your spouse has another woman, and emotional affairs are just as much an affair as a physical. And if your spouse tells you its just emotional, he's probably lying. Wayward spouses do a lot of that, it's called fog talk.

 

Google marriagebuilders, read the threads here until your eyes bleed. And no matter what happens, you can be proud that you took the high road, and did your best to save your marriage.

 

PS I'm sorry if I'm maybe not as optimistic as you'd like to hear, but I was very naive, despite what everyone here was telling me. Reality is a bitch.

[kunfused]

ElP - yes, I will do that when I'm feeling crappy (come here first).

Don't apologize for anything, you are giving me your honest opinion and that is what I really need to hear here....

 

I agree cheating is cheating..... I need to keep telling myself that.

 

Good things: He has been very honest with me, he does say what he has to say... it just isn't much. He does tell me he loves me after I say it (haven't said it in awhile)

[quiet1one1]

You know I've heard lines similar to "you're not in love with me, you're in love with being married" from my W several times and I always answer, "SO???"! She's also told me "I love you but I don't know if I love you like THAT anymore" which is along the same lines.

 

After many years, "THAT KIND OF LOVE" is G-O-N-E. Butterflies, chills, staring into each other's eyes, etc., that's TV stuff. When that wears off itt's all about partnership, caring, respect, companionship, and occasional lust.

[PWSX3]

Welcome aboard, sorry you had to come here, but I'm glad you are trying to find answers & that you aren't just throwing in the towel & taking the easy way out.

okay - so I basically am going to continue NC,other than for family things, but also not going to "move" on anything unless he agrees to MC. I do believe that it will not work without some strong help in that regard.

MC is a good start, but I feel the most important part is to make sure to find a MC that you are comfortable with, that he especially feels comfortable with. Me & my W have seen a couple different ones & looking back the first person we went to neither of us connected with & I really feel it was a waste, but we have a very good one that is down to earth and she talks my language & it is working.

How do I move my mind to "know" if I really want him, or just the comfort of someone who has been there for 17 years of my life....??

There are some great books out there, start educationg yourself. If your H was like me I really thought I was doing what I needed to do in my relationship until I started to read. I learned I didn't no jack about a good relationship and that there are things "I" needed to do.

 

Start learning ways that you can make yourself a better person, don't blame your H for what has happened, it takes two. Even though it will be very hard at times, always try and be positive.

 

Since you are separated you will start learning you can do things on your own, you can live without that other person, then that feeling of comfort, or having to rely on someone else will start going away and then you can decide if you love him or if it's just the comfort you loved.

 

I wish you the best & trust me its hard no matter what happens. I have shared this with many but I really believe it is worth saying. When my W moved out a friend asked me; have you done everything you could do for this relationship?

I feel until you can honestly say; yes I have then you need to work on your marriage, do whatever you can so then if it doesn't work out you can say to yourself; I did everything I could do & I am happy with myself.

[Ladyjane14]

Why are you in NC if you're trying to repair the marriage?

:confused:

 

While it's true that "distance can make the heart grow fonder"... it's equally true that "out of sight is out of mind".

 

My suggestion to you would be to type into your browser, "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders" and then "the three states of mind in marriage, marriagebuilders", and read the articles you find there. In fact, you should probably read the entire Basic Concepts section.

I think you'd also do well to read a copy of Surviving Infidelity by Harley, and The Five Love Languages by Chapman.

 

There are quite a few "red flags" here regarding unfaithfulness, but it's not necessary for you to assume there's an affair underfoot yet. Afterall, you do have a history of argumentative behavior within the marriage. Whatever the case may be... here in the beginning stages, the same tools that would potentially overcome an affair can also be used to overcome emotional distancing.

[sumdude]

 

After many years, "THAT KIND OF LOVE" is G-O-N-E. Butterflies, chills, staring into each other's eyes, etc., that's TV stuff. When that wears off itt's all about partnership, caring, respect, companionship, and occasional lust.

 

I generally agree with this.. however I think that a lot of time we forget that it might still be there but you have to work at it, takes effort. Both partners have to work at getting to it, at least every once in a while. The daily grind can make it seem unreachable though. After enough time passes without it, enough negative things happen, people just give up on it. Once one spouse just gives up it's the beginning of the end. The other spouse doesn't usually even know this point of no return has passed until weeks, months maybe years later when they're blindsided with "I'm leaving", "I'm not in love with you" an affair etc etc.

 

Often by then it's too late .... but anything is possible.

 

Whatever happens I suggest the original poster seeks individual couciling. FWIW seems like you have might have some deep anger issues?

 

Also remember this one thing.. no one can MAKE you happy. Most happiness comes from the inside. If you're expecting your H or anyone else to make you happy then you'll have trouble being happy. They will have trouble bearing the responsibility for your happiness. Sounds trite but it's true.

[kunfused]

Also remember this one thing.. no one can MAKE you happy. Most happiness comes from the inside. If you're expecting your H or anyone else to make you happy then you'll have trouble being happy. They will have trouble bearing the responsibility for your happiness. Sounds trite but it's true.

 

SD - yes, thank you for reminding me of that. I do need to make myself happy.

Right now he doesn't want to seek help. On Sunday he said he'd think about it...... he said it was 1/2 and 1/2 to if he agreed to think about it to get me to stop talking.

 

He keeps saying he has no hope, doesn't think anything is going to change, doesn't want to "change" or work on anything...... but yet he isn't letting go.

 

I get mixed messages that make me believe that he really doesn't know what he wants... and for him to say I love you, after I say it.... what is that all about?

[quiet1one1]

I think you'd also do well to read a copy of Surviving Infidelity by Harley, and The Five Love Languages by Chapman.

 

Someone lent me this book and I stored it away on a shelf - haven't looked at is since. It's good?

[kunfused]

"Why are you in NC if you're trying to repair the marriage?"

 

This is what he wants...... he isn't ready to talk about anything yet. A separation in his mind, is for us to think about things and figure out what each of us wants.........

 

"While it's true that "distance can make the heart grow fonder"... it's equally true that "out of sight is out of mind". "

 

I agree with this too.... I have told him once or twice a week (this is our third week) that I love him.

 

 

"There are quite a few "red flags" here regarding unfaithfulness, but it's not necessary for you to assume there's an affair underfoot yet. Afterall, you do have a history of argumentative behavior within the marriage. Whatever the case may be... here in the beginning stages, the same tools that would potentially overcome an affair can also be used to overcome emotional distancing.

"

 

I am really wanting to work on this. I do love him very much. The things that we get into fights about are his attitude, and his effection... He has none. I need to hear that he loves me both with words and actions... he isn't giving me that. He really can be a jerk, but its not just to me - its to everyone... he is very set in his ways and NEVER thinks about how someone else may be feeling... do I give up everything else because of this? It does get me SO mad sometimes, some of the things he does....

help!

[sumdude]

Some of the best advice I've heard and read is that you need to take control of yourself and your life. Be strong and show yourself, your H and everyone else that you can be just fine on your own. Right now telling him how much you love him might even be pushing him away more... Sounds backwards but it happens. Give him a chance to miss you, maybe after time things might change but be prepared for either outcome.

[ilmw]

Some of the best advice I've heard and read is that you need to take control of yourself and your life. Be strong and show yourself, your H and everyone else that you can be just fine on your own. Right now telling him how much you love him might even be pushing him away more... Sounds backwards but it happens. Give him a chance to miss you, maybe after time things might change but be prepared for either outcome.

 

I agree SD,

 

there is a French saying "when we persist, they resist"

 

[Ladyjane14]

"...... he isn't ready to talk about anything yet. A separation in his mind, is for us to think about things and figure out what each of us wants.........

 

Screw that. If my husband needs three weeks and counting of NC to "think about it"... I'm making the decision FOR him. At least ONE of us is going to be decisive. But that's me and not you.

 

These guys are right. If you chase him, he will RUN. That said, if YOU run, he just might chase.

 

Try Michelle Weiner Davis's 180's, which you'll find in Divorce Busting. Here's a list to get you started:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

 

Now, if you combine this list with Willard Harley's "Plan A", Surviving An Affair, You might just give him enough to be curious about. Type into your browser "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders" and read the article you find there in order to get started.

 

NC isn't necessary. What's necessary is that he be the one who comes to you. When he does, if you treat him like a barn cat you're trying to tame... he might just come back a little more frequently. IF those interactions with you become something positive that he looks forward to, who know what might happen next.

 

 

p.s. WHY do you want him back if he's got a tendency to "be a jerk"???

[kunfused]

Screw that. If my husband needs three weeks and counting of NC to "think about it"... I'm making the decision FOR him. At least ONE of us is going to be decisive. But that's me and not you.

 

These guys are right. If you chase him, he will RUN. That said, if YOU run, he just might chase.

 

Try Michelle Weiner Davis's 180's, which you'll find in Divorce Busting. Here's a list to get you started:

 

 

Now, if you combine this list with Willard Harley's "Plan A", Surviving An Affair, You might just give him enough to be curious about. Type into your browser "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders" and read the article you find there in order to get started.

 

NC isn't necessary. What's necessary is that he be the one who comes to you. When he does, if you treat him like a barn cat you're trying to tame... he might just come back a little more frequently. IF those interactions with you become something positive that he looks forward to, who know what might happen next.

 

 

p.s. WHY do you want him back if he's got a tendency to "be a jerk"???

 

 

I agree with SD and LJ completely.... I don't know why I want to be with him when he is a jerk, but when he isn't a jerk I love him so much....

 

My focus is going to be staying busy and no longer asking questions.... I've been asking things like "where have you been staying" etc.... I shouldn't be.

 

I like the tips... I will try and follow some of them

 

I wish I knew if his "being a jerk" is enough for me to just make the decision to be done... how does one go about figuring that out? Sometimes I think it is just me needing more.... but then I see him being a jerk to others too.... He doesn't really have many friends. He has a few guys at work that he goes out with once in awhile and a few guys he golfs with on a golf league in the spring/summer.... nothing consistent, and those that we have had as "couples" friends - aren't calling to be with him, its to see our kids and the ladies to see me... (cause we're closer) ...

????

[Ladyjane14]

.... I don't know why I want to be with him when he is a jerk, but when he isn't a jerk I love him so much....

 

Has he ALWAYS been a jerk, or is this relatively new behavior coinciding with the "emotional distancing"?

And... if he's ALWAYS been a jerk, do you think that maybe you're more attached to the relationship than to the man he really is?

 

 

 

Anyway, like I said earlier... there ARE some red flags here regarding infidelity. With that in mind, I think you'd do well to rule out adultery as causal to the distress in your marriage. I know you said there are lots of arguments, and while it's true that fighting can cause significant problems all by itself, I think you need to know if there's a 'snake in your woodpile' or not.

 

For now, your game plan should assume that there is, because as I said earlier... the strategy for getting into recovery is pretty much the same. But, if it turns out that your husband is, in fact, cheating... the affair needs to be busted up in order for you to have a CHANCE at reconciliation. Your marriage cannot survive an ongoing affair. And the more info you have, the better your odds on destroying the affair.

 

You can find out quite a bit by contacting your bank and credit card companies and requesting back-statements. Most banks have online account access now. The same is true with cell phones. If your name is on the account, you can either contact the cellular company by phone or set your account up online in order to view the detail records. If he's been using the PC at home, it might even be worth your while to take it to a computer geek and see if you an get some of the deleted files restored.

 

I know this probably seems counter to the 180's list. Somewhere in there it says we shouldn't spy. And I agree with that... AFTER we have the main facts.

When we're completely in the dark, we can't fight what we can't see, right? I'll be honest... in my own situation, if I hadn't done some checking, I'd be divorced right now. There's no way my marriage would have survived if I hadn't intervened when I did.

[kunfused]

Has he ALWAYS been a jerk, or is this relatively new behavior coinciding with the "emotional distancing"?

And... if he's ALWAYS been a jerk, do you think that maybe you're more attached to the relationship than to the man he really is?

 

This is something that I have really been giving a lot of time too. I believe that when he is a "jerk" I get defensive for some reason and make it all about me... then I yell, say things I shouldn't say ... etc... Because he is a jerk to "me" I have to be a jerk back..... over the last two weeks, he has (when we've communicated) been a jerk at least once per discussion (mind you they are short) and I either suck it up and ignore it... or kindly reply with something like..... "I don't think you needed to say it like that to me"... (the example would have been him being rude about an answer to a question I had)....

 

 

 

Anyway, like I said earlier... there ARE some red flags here regarding infidelity. With that in mind, I think you'd do well to rule out adultery as causal to the distress in your marriage. I know you said there are lots of arguments, and while it's true that fighting can cause significant problems all by itself, I think you need to know if there's a 'snake in your woodpile' or not.

 

 

I really do not think it was more than just "releasing of information" almost a year ago now to a woman.... nothing more than a few of those.... she was going thru a hard time, and he "supposedly" was.... I didn't realize that our fights were actually getting to him that much.... There are no signs really now... the 2 lies, he has been with others (a group of people) of which did not include this lady... So, ....

 

I'm not enjoying the separation schedule right now, I'm exhausted and depressed..... having a really hard day today. But, what I am learning is that he can be an "ass" and that I usually would defend myself because of it.....

help

[Ladyjane14]

...I'm exhausted and depressed..... having a really hard day today. But, what I am learning is that he can be an "ass" and that I usually would defend myself because of it.....

help

 

First things first... and THAT's taking care of yourself. "Exhausted and depressed" is no way to be. You can't be any good to anybody else if you're not taking care of YOU, right?

So, eat right, sleep right, get the appropriate amount of exercise, and avoid alcohol. Also, see your family doctor for a depression screening if you feel like you're in over your head.

 

It sounds to me like you and your husband have some big communications problems. Try a copy of Love Busters by Harley. You can get a quick overview in the Basic Concept section at Marriagebuilders. This is more or less a list of simple rules regarding communications styles that drain love from a relationship.

 

I know you're having a hard time.

Unfortunately, there's no way around but THROUGH. Sometimes a person just has to get back up, dust themselves off, and keep on keepin' on. This is one of those times. Regardless of whatever the outcome on your marriage... you can never give up on YOU. My advice would be to work on developing your inner strength.

[head/heels]

ladyjane has some great tipsfor you kunfused! i would listen to her completely! i was going to type so good stuff for you but she has said it all... you need to realize that any relationship that has gone on for 17 yrs is gonna be missed and that he seems to be out the door and on his way to another place and time. you are right to be sad and upset even if it wasnt a total blissful marriage of love and romanticism- bc being with someone no matter how they treated you is time that you spent together and is hard to deal with when it up and goes away... life changing.... but you need to spend the next few months realizing that you were getting short changed and not to get upset about it but to realize that you have a new lease on life and that you deserve to be a happy woman and that living life without someone who isnt there for you wholeheartedly is for the birds! so take some time for yourself and your kiddos and work on making yourself a better person. get in shape, go out, get a new hair do, wardrobe, whatever, go out with some friends for coffee and talking, movies, etc... realize that no man controls your happiness. he is not on the computer worried about his relationship with you so you were obvioulsy the glue that held it together and he prolly took advantage of how much you wanted the marriage to work... finally, whether he cheated or not is of no consequence now. he wants out and who are you to stop him.... i know it is hard, but let the f^cker go and see what is out there---> i promise you the grass isnt greener! he will realize it oneday, but you willl be long gone.. there is a geoge straight song that comes to mind that he recently wrote called "she let herself go".... download that and see what you think!

[Audrina]

"I too have been going through a very hard time,I've been marrried for 7 years and it just so happens that 1 week ago my husband just out of nowhere tells me that we should divorce I just couldn't believe what i've had heard!! not only does he tell me this but also said that he loves me but does not like me!! I dont understand why he would do something like this to me!! I love him so much and i am really stressed over the situation that I am going through I really need some advice!! we are still living in the same house but he has not been talking to me at all,I've tried communicating with him but he just ignores me I dont understand what is going on!! please help with some advice!!!!Thank you!!