I'm the other man

[Hugh_950]

I'm the other man and I've been in this for many years. Our relationship is intensely passionate. She’s the type of person I’ve fanaticized about for most of my life before we met. She’s stunning, funny, smart, and sensual. I’ve never known anything as good in my life. We’re together several times each week and each time is typical … less than a few minutes before we’re making love, which might last a few hours or half the day. Then we’ll eat (I’ll cook or we’ll go to one of several bistros where we feel safe. We’ll dine, enjoy wine and talk about just about anything. It’s great when we’re together.

 

Then we say good by and I go straight into a miserable sadness that freaking hurts. To this day I still can’t figure out which hurts the most. If it’s pining for her, guilt and shame over the really wrong thing we’re doing, or loneliness.

 

During the first 5 years of our affair, she promised she’d leave him but procrastinated - unable to do it for various fears. I rationalized thinking this kind of love is so great there must be some force in the universe that condones it and would eventually work out things so we could be together. I trusted that she would eventually make the jump so I held on.

 

Around the 6th year I began to fully realize that she’d never do it. I’ve slowly built up courage to leave her. I’ve taken seminars, read books, watched docu-dramas on related subjects.

 

I’ve got game, I’ll have no problem finding another, or playing the field. I’d enjoy the chase too. So it’s not fear of being alone that keeps me from doing this.

 

I’m just plane addicted to her but I WANT OUT! I think I’m close – nearly ready to make the jump. What else do I need? Why can’t I just walk away?

[Jinxx]

[COLOR=black]Around the 6th year I began to fully realize that she’d never do it. I’ve slowly built up courage to leave her. I’ve taken seminars, read books, watched docu-dramas on related subjects. Why can’t I just walk away?[/COLOR]

 

Wow! Six years! It is not that simple to walk away is it? You've developed a relationship with OW and was hoping for a future. As hard as it will be, try dating others -- I know it will not be the same and and take small steps to break it off slowly with OW. Been where you're at and it friggin hurts like hell. Keep posting -- you'll get great advice.

[whichwayisup]

Congrats on waking up and realizing you're wasting your life for a woman, a MARRIED woman who is never going to leave her H. You staying only would have given her what she wanted...2 men to fulfill ALL her needs. Why would she want to give that up? Security of a home, a home life, friends, neighbours, family...$$...Then she has you for the romance, sex and passion part.

 

Keep busy, and stay strong.

 

Do a site search on bonehead, ratingsguy and oyster. All OM. Hopefully their situations can help you through this. (if you read patientguys' thread, I put ratingguys' link in a post reply so read that one too)

 

Good luck!

[EC]

Congrats on waking up and realizing you're wasting your life for a woman, a MARRIED woman who is never going to leave her H. You staying only would have given her what she wanted...2 men to fulfill ALL her needs. Why would she want to give that up? Security of a home, a home life, friends, neighbours, family...$$...Then she has you for the romance, sex and passion part.

 

Keep busy, and stay strong.

 

Do a site search on bonehead, ratingsguy and oyster. All OM. Hopefully their situations can help you through this. (if you read patientguys' thread, I put ratingguys' link in a post reply so read that one too)

 

Good luck!

 

 

I agree with WWIU. She has the best of both worlds right now. Usually women in marriages often complain that everything in their marriage is perfect except for the romance/passion part. Thats where you come in. I'm happy that you have finally realized that she won't leave and your really wasting PRIME years of your life chasing a woman who just loves the chase.

 

STAY STRONG.

 

( And I know Im horrible for this BUT you never know of finally 'really' walking away from her will be the light switch she needs to finally leave )

[Topper]

Six years? That's a very long time to get away with an affair. I can't imagine that her H has not caught on. In all that time there haven't been any slip up? aYou two are either the most careful Adulters in the world or her husband is braindead.

How does she make the time to see you a few times a week? and for 1/2 a day?

The weirdist part of this post is we havea guy here watching docu dramas to end an Aafair. Then telling us he has game?

This is a very odd post.

I almost get the feeling that some woman is posting this to see if a cheating man gets better treatment then a cheating woman.

[blind_otter]

Six years? That's a very long time to get away with an affair. I can't imagine that her H has not caught on. In all that time there haven't been any slip up? aYou two are either the most careful Adulters in the world or her husband is braindead.

How does she make the time to see you a few times a week? and for 1/2 a day?

The weirdist part of this post is we havea guy here watching docu dramas to end an Aafair. Then telling us he has game?

This is a very odd post.

I almost get the feeling that some woman is posting this to see if a cheating man gets better treatment then a cheating woman.

 

Interesting points, all.

 

To the OP -

 

What strikes me about adulterous affairs is that the behavior is similar to an addict. People can say that they are addicted to another person but they don't understand the deeper implications of making a statement like that. Addiction is an ugly thing, and ending an addiction is never pretty or easy. It doesn't get all neatly summed up at the end of everything like a movie. People want closure, or they demand something else to fill the void inside of them -- all the time never really attending to the addiction itself.

[Salicious Crumb]

I’m just plane addicted to her but I WANT OUT! I think I’m close – nearly ready to make the jump. What else do I need? Why can’t I just walk away?

 

What else do you need to be able to walk away?...heres an idea for ya.

 

Walk up to there front door...hopefully her H answers the door...tell him you have been sleeping with his wife for 5 years....then put your hands behind your back...close your eyes...and take that well deserved punch to the nose like a man.

 

Maybe that'll help you move on.

[reservoirdog1]

Wow, I've never read this kind of post from somebody male before.

 

After five or six years, it should be clear that she's not leaving her husband. And why should she? She clearly has everything she wants. An ongoing, whenever-she-wants fyckfest with you, and her husband for security and all that shyt. What's not to like?

 

I can only assume you've thought of most of this before, but I can't help beyond reinforcing.

 

If she'll cheat with you, she'll probably cheat on you. Why would you want to be in a commited relationship with somebody like that?

 

Or, maybe you haven't considered the wonderful visual of some other guy banging the woman you're so attracted to, and of you potentially getting his sloppy seconds only a couple of hours later. The idea of getting some other guy's jizz all over me would turn me the hell off, I can tell you. I've never understood why more OMs aren't grossed out by that thought.

 

Hope I've helped.

[Trialbyfire]

There's no difference besides gender ownership, between sloppy seconds and a recycled pecker...

 

Get out of this situation. You may love her like no one else but she can't love you the same way, no matter what she says. If she did, the two of you would be together right now, instead of the years of waiting that you've experienced.

 

Why stay with a liar and a cheater?

[Hugh_950]

One day here and I've read enough to realize that “waiting” is just my way to get what I want. Moreover, an ultimatum, like “leave him or I’ll leave you” is also a control thing.

 

I’m going to tell her this is wrong and it’s over. No expectations that this will “bring her around”, which would just be another control effort. I’ve made my decision and she’ll have to make hers.

 

I’m not thinking this will be easy, but I’m just a p*ssy otherwise.

[Hugh_950]

... take that well deserved punch to the nose like a man.

Maybe that'll help you move on.

 

Got the point, good one too. Better idea ... how about I just move on and opt out of the punch.

[hurting_in_nw]

Got the point, good one too. Better idea ... how about I just move on and opt out of the punch.

 

It will come to you one way or another. Karma's a bitch pal.

[Herzen]

I too was an OM. My torrid sexual affair with the MW lasted over 3 years, and the emotional part much longer.Even after our physical relationship ended she'd still call me every day for stimulation and support. She often told me that I furnished the sex and passion that was allegedly lacking in her marriage. (Contrary to popular belief, some married women will have affairs primarily for sex--even new mothers).

 

As I've said elsewhere, an affair is the crack cocaine of romance. Long-term affair withdrawal is long, hard, nasty and painful. There's no sugarcoating it. It's a bitch.

 

I've not slept with the MW in three years, seen her in two years or spoken to her in over a year. Nevertheless I still often dream of her and think of her. (And I'm currently very happy with a great girl friend).

 

But I am free of her. She no longer haunts me. She remains with her husband and kids. And our sordid past, I suspect, is something that she very much regrets.

 

Memory is the last residue of an affair. It's all about forgetting.

[mrmaximum]

... take that well deserved punch to the nose like a man.

Maybe that'll help you move on.

 

Got the point, good one too. Better idea ... how about I just move on and opt out of the punch.

 

Just stop talking to her. If you are as hung up as you say then confronting her won't work, you'll fall for her crap again. LEAVE THEM ALONE to work out their own problems (which will mean her replacing you with another stuntd!ck). Think about this for a second, while she is the 'love of you life', you are nothing more than a pastime, a plaything, something to be used whenever she gets the time and then discarded when the time is right. Nifty thought isn't it? Like being the second string? It won't stop until you leave, I suggest you beat feet and make her a memory, NC will sort this out IMO.

[Hugh_950]

Got the point, good one too. Better idea ... how about I just move on and opt out of the punch.

 

Just stop talking to her. If you are as hung up as you say then confronting her won't work, you'll fall for her crap again. LEAVE THEM ALONE to work out their own problems (which will mean her replacing you with another stuntd!ck). Think about this for a second, while she is the 'love of you life', you are nothing more than a pastime, a plaything, something to be used whenever she gets the time and then discarded when the time is right. Nifty thought isn't it? Like being the second string? It won't stop until you leave, I suggest you beat feet and make her a memory, NC will sort this out IMO.