Sad, really. Very stupid and sad.

[missmay66]

Hi, all. I'm Maya, I would really love some advice right now about an ex-friend of mine. Sorry, maybe a little long, but really irritating me. I'm wondering if an intervention is needed?

 

This girl, Kellie, and I have been friends for about 11 years, ever since grade school. She has helped me deal with the crazy situations that I got myself into, and I hoped to believe that I helped her, too. Obviously, nothing I have done has bothered her to the point of us not being friends anymore. We were very, very tight.

 

Last November, I met a really great guy, Ryan. We fell for each other immediately... and most of you know how that goes. The superhoneymoon stage, right? Two weeks indoors?

 

Well, about two months ago, Kellie broke up with her long term boyfriend. Two weeks later, Ryan and I, trying to help, decided she needed some good, hot sex, so we hooked her up with his best friend, Jake. We weren't expecting them to jump into a serious relationship right away, since Kellie had JUST broken up with her boyfriend of two years, but they did.

 

Ryan and I were having some issues, so trusting Kellie as much as I did, I told her about some things that were irking me about Ryan and called him a few crappy names... not that I meant them. Guess what she did, after eleven years of friendship??... she turned around and told Jake, the person she met a month before! So, of COURSE, Jake told Ryan, and we got in a huge fight. I felt so betrayed.

 

Keep in mind, I probably haven't been the best friend in the world, but I would never, ever ever ever, have turned around and told Ryan something Kellie confided with me about.

 

Then, Jake and Kellie told Ryan how "crazy" I am and they both told him to run for the hills! Of course, he loves me and didn't listen, but that hurt so bad I could die!

 

And it's not only me... it seems as though Jake has been trying to brainwash her, because he keeps telling her how all of her female friends are huge "skanks" and turning her against us. She doesn't have anyone left.

 

Since then, Kellie has neglected me and all of her other friends. She has not spoken to any of us. She won't return any of our phone calls, so we stopped calling. I stopped wanting to hang out with her a long time ago even before she talked smack about me because every time I wanted to have a chick night, she wanted to bring her pet Jake along! It's disturbing!

 

So, finally, she shows up at our local hangout on Sunday night with her puppet. No one spoke to her or gave her the time of day, of course. Who would after she's put us all on hold for the last month and a half? She looked sad and depressed and finally left.

 

Here's the kicker... I know the signs of an abusive relationship, because I've been in one before. Kellie has always been one to look really nice and put together... but every time any of us sees her in public nowadays, she's wearing NO makeup (when she caked it on before), plain hair, and wearing baggy, shapeless clothing. We rarely see her without Jake... well, we rarely see her at all.

 

I am shocked...

 

I think he's trying to isolate her. I couldn't talk to Ryan about it, because he would just defend his friend. And frankly, I don't think any of us care any more about Kellie enough to talk to her about it. I suggested we have an intervention, but I know she would again, tell everyone how "crazy" I am and talk more smack about me.

 

Now, the thing is.. I WOULD just let her be, and let her figure out that she IS in an abusive relationship, but... a) those women seem to all be in denial, b) I'm afraid she and Jake will stir up more trouble with me and Ryan, whom I love very very much, and c) she has just burned sooo many bridges that we really shouldn't give a crap about her anymore.

 

What do you think I should do? I am in a totally crappy situation. Keep in mind, this was my BEST friend for over a decade!

 

Thank you,

cheers.

 

Maya

[supernova]

i think you need to call kellie and honestly talk to her about everything that's been going on. The problem with female friendships is that we talk a lot about certain things like the guys in our lives but not enough about our friendships with each other - we just infer a lot or analyse each other's behaviour as evidence of not being good enough friends etc. we need to level with each other more. so i think you should call her and say 'i realise i haven't been the best friend to you but it really hurt me when you told your boyfriend what i told you in confidence, that's why i've been giving you the cold shoulder but look i don't want to get into that. we've been friends for 10 years and i'm sure we can work past it but i've noticed you looking pretty down lately and i'd like to think you can still tell me stuff. how about we go shopping?'

 

it's a shame to throw away a friendship of 10 years...you need to give each other the chance to redeem yourselves and if it still doesn't work well so be it but if you haven't given it a proper try, you'll be walking away prematurely.