I think maybe that I totally ruined things

[ashamed]

Hi again. Ok. Here is the story..... (I apologise for its length in advance)

 

A while ago, I met this guy who is so sweet and kind, and I am oh so comfortable being around him. He is so NOT what I am used to ie bastards who take whatever I can give them, but not giving anything back. He treats me with respect and kindness, and we have a lot of fun together. Now there are 2 problems.

 

1. First of all, even though he calls me, calls me beautiful and gorgeous, loves being around me, he keeps telling me that at this point in his life he is not looking for a relationship, yet he cares about me a great deal. He had to leave town for 3 months a little while ago, and when he heard that I was going to have to spend christmas by myself (I had to work christmas day) due to my family and friends being far away, he arranged for another "christmas orphan" friend of his to spend christmas dinner together with me...... which was sooooo sweet of him. This leads to problem number two. (for convenience sake I will call this guy Jack)

 

2. This other christmas orphan (B) and I really got along well and we clicked. We clicked so well that unfortunately things kinda happened between us. Now, I am not this type of person, I dont play around when I am with someone. This behaviour is not how I operate. I have no excuses for what I did. Since this second guy is a friend of Jack`s, I asked that B not tell Jack because I wanted to be the one to tell him. He agreed. We did not end up spending christmas together (which is a good thing) but we did do new years together and the same thing happened.

 

Anyway, Jack came back 2 days later, and things were soooo good between us, so good in fact that he kept telling me he missed me, and cared for me. I felt confident in telling him that I could no longer remain emotionally detached from him or the situation, but he indicated that he still was not prepared to give me anything more than casual friends with benefits at this stage. I hate to admit it but I got a little upset at this. I was also feeling guilty about B, so I told him what had happened.

 

I was expecting big fireworks, or at least some hurt or something, but he was so understanding that he gave me big hugs and cuddles and told me it was all ok, ever since then (admittedly it has only been a couple of days) things havent changed, he is still sweet and affectionate, and we are still good together, and it really doesnt appear to be bothering him.

 

I feel better for getting it off my chest, the guilt was nearly killing me, but I dont understand his reaction to the news. He is not exhibiting any signs of jealousy or hurt. He is not distancing himself from me at all, if anything he seems to be getting closer. I cant work him out. Have I stuffed everything up?

 

Also.... is it possible to want 2 people at the same time. Jack represents comfort and friendship and all things nice, and I adore him...... But B is exciting and gorgeous and the way I feel for him it the way I felt for all my ex`s, you know that that really exciting and tension feeling in your chest when your around those your "interested" in......

 

 

Oh I am sooooo confused. Please help me gain some insight into this

[Just A Girl2]

This is just my opinion.....

 

I suspect that Jack wasn't 'upset' because Jack is likely out doing the same thing....and perhaps it made him feel somewhat "relieved" to know that you had fun with someone else, because on some level, maybe he'd been feeling just a little guilty having his "fun" behind YOUR back.

 

Jack sounds like a charming snake. He knows just what to do and say to keep you hanging on.......so much so that although he's really clear that he's not interested in a relationship, you have some "fun" with Orphan Guy...and you feel GUILTY! Wow, he's really got some hold on you (Jack). I think he's a real smoothy. Too smooth.

 

I gathered from your post that Jack gets your friendship "with benefits" from time to time? If so, put a stop to it, I'd say. For health reasons, first of all, it's risky. If he's got "friends with benefits with you", he's no doubt got that arrangement with others...esPECIALLY since he's out of town for 3 months. You have no idea WHO he's sleeping with, none whatsoever.

 

I've known guys like this in my day.......smooth, charming, seem perfect, a great friend, sexy, charismatic........but they leave you wanting more.........and they'll never commit to an actual relationship...why would they?....they can get all the 'benefits' without the commitment. It's just a more subtle way of using someone, IMO.

 

As for this Orphan Guy...hmmmm...don't know why I thought of this, but I did. Do you think it's at all possible that your good buddy Jack set you up with him for Christmas..not because he's such a great guy who didn't want you to 'be alone'....but because he and Orphan Boy had it planned that you and he would 'hook up'......so that that would perhaps ease Jack's conscience about all the hooking up he's doing? That's just what my gut suspects.

 

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd be p*ssed at Jack...for his smoothness and charm. That's fine and dandy that he's so diligent in telling you how beautiful you are, how he's missed you, how he cares about you, loves spending time with you.........but what does that really mean if he doesnt want a relationship with you? He just sounds like a smooth operator who knows how to push your buttons so that he can have the whole friends with benefits thing. He sounds slick and doggish to me.

 

If I were you and had to choose, I'd spend more time with Orphan Boy.......but I'd back off on the sex until you know each other better...just to ensure that it's not all some 'set up' orchestrated by Jack.

 

It seems evident that Jack is not going to change his mind about wanting a relationship. I suspect he's just having a lot of fun in life, having "fun" with all kinds of women...likely cuz he's such a good charmer. Yuck.

 

Just my thoughts

[Tony T]

One the face of it, it sounds like Jack has a very true, real, honest, deep love for you. Real love does not know jealousy....real love is kind and forgiving. Tragically, most of us will never know real love or be able to identify it because it doesn't appear very often.

 

The fact that Jack thought so much to arrange to have someone there for you for Christmas to some could indicate some intention to pass you off to another. But to a few, it shows honest, true, real, very rare...LOVE and concern and consideration!!!

 

The fact that Jack forgave your transgression and has gotten closer to you since your disclosure is another indication you may have found the REAL thing. I'm not saying you have but it has a lot of the appearances of it. Real love does not know anger or jealousy and is kind and forgiving.

 

So the burden is on you. You obviously don't know Jack real well, well enough to know just where he's coming from. I don't know who's fault that is. But before you get really upset about this and you toss Jack out the door, you best get to know him real well. If he is showing the real love that is indicated, you may not find this type again in your lifetime.

 

As for his friend who succumbed to you over the holidays, he is an a**h*** and a creep of the highest magnitude, evil. Even if he was part of a conspiracy, his participation indicates the morals of a snake. You don't need that in your life and you wouldn't want someone who would do something like that...no matter what kind of a time you had.

 

Get to know Jack lots better. Dismiss your holiday boy from your life totally. Once you've got this all sorted out, then make a decision. But in no case should you have anything to do with a guy who would screw over his friend by what he did.

 

Also, forgive yourself totally. Sometimes things happen for a reason. If Jack is for real, you got the best Christmas gift you will ever receive.

 

And if you find Jack is not real, Santa brought you the best lesson you could ever learn.

 

Happy New Year...

[ashamed]

Thankyou both for your help, however need more help. Do you think that I should talk to jack further about his reaction (or lack thereof)? I am hoping that you are right Tony in that he loves me, because I certainly have very strong feelings for him, but would discussing it be a tad too much???? ie would it push him away (especially if he is hiding how he really feels about the situation)

[sweetgirl079]

I think I would like to know the answer to that one tooo.

[Just A Girl2]

I still think Jack is playing around with you. You'd written:

 

I felt confident in telling him that I could no longer remain emotionally detached from him or the situation, but he indicated that he still was not prepared to give me anything more than casual friends with benefits at this stage.

 

Sorry but I stand firm in what I wrote before. A true friend (which I don't think Jack is) isn't the kind of person who will be aware that someone in your situation has feelings for him.......and he'll lavish you with compliments and saying "all the things you want to hear"......tell you he's missed you.........have sex with you......and then still insist that he's not interested in a relationship. Where I come from, we call this guy a PLAYER. A charmer. A snake who takes full advantage of someone's feelings for him (eg..he KNOWS you have feelings for him, but yet, he will take the most intimate part of yourself that you can give him (sex), but he'll give no more).

 

And I'm sorry.......I don't think there's too many 'enlightened' people in this world who will love someone enough to not be bothered by the fact that that someone they love has had sex with their friend. He may be a 'big person', but he's not that big. And he may care about you, but I don't think he's so concerned with your happiness and fulfillment that he's so willing to overlook the fact that you played spin the pickle with another guy (let alone his friend).

 

THe whole situation might be different if you'd never let him know that you have feelings for him............and maybe he was just really dense and didn't know...but he DOES KNOW......and I see him taking advantage of your feelings for him.....by basically telling you all the things that one would hope to hear from someone that loves them/is in a RELATIONSHIP with them......while getting his "benefits" on the side...but being firm in that he wants nothing more. It's the classic 'friends with benefits' scenario..where he gets everything he wants.....someone who cares about him, someone to have sex with, yet no commitment is required on his part. Hell, he's such a pal that he has no problem with you sleeping with someone else. Come on, that's really got to tell you something, don't you think?

 

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't initiate any more discussions with him. I'd back right off. And I sure as hell wouldn't be giving him any more 'benefits'. Seems to me he's just using you. Want to know for sure? Back off and make yourself scarce. Get on with your life and see other people (and don't tell him, it's none of his business). If the guy can't p*ss or get off the pot, then you're really just wasting your time...and life is very short....to invest time and love and one's heart in someone who's very upfront about not being interested in making a commitment.

 

And I don't mean to upset you...but if you're his 'friends with benefits' friend, how many others does he have? I suspect the 'friends with benefits' lifestyle is "the norm" for him..which could also explain why he didn't mind at all that you slept with his friend.....he likely figures that everyone does it and there's nothing wrong with it.

 

If for nothing else than the sake of your health (STDs, AIDS, Hepatitis B), stop sleeping with him. You have NO IDEA where his pecker has been or where it goes.

 

We have to teach people how to treat us....we have to set boundaries and not let people take advantage of us and use us. We also have to recognize people who cannot give us what we need and deserve.