Visu Posted May 6, 2007 Share Posted May 6, 2007 good for you for knowing what you want & being able to deal. that takes some kahunas. i guess if it's been this way for 5 years now, you do know what you're dealing with. you don't think you'll get bored? what about things other than sex which make up a relationship like companionship and having someone around to talk with? have you considered that? just looking to understand more about your choice. i wish i could also learn to deal with my present situation, but i know i would always want more than mm was able to give me. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 So she shows her heart and compasion for this wife by f#cking her husband?.....uh.....ok look SC, I am not saying being in this type of relationship is right, you do not know how close the OW and MM are, they may truly love eachother, not everyone gets into a realtionship just for the sex... it is part of it but not the whole thing. Couples drift apart and it takes work to keep a relationship going, You are not the wife in her scenario so stop putting yourself in there ok... I don't think that she should remain his mistress forever, I think that she deserves more, just like you...on your best days did not deserve to be cheated on Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted May 7, 2007 Author Share Posted May 7, 2007 good for you for knowing what you want & being able to deal. that takes some kahunas. i guess if it's been this way for 5 years now, you do know what you're dealing with. you don't think you'll get bored? what about things other than sex which make up a relationship like companionship and having someone around to talk with? have you considered that? just looking to understand more about your choice. i wish i could also learn to deal with my present situation, but i know i would always want more than mm was able to give me. Sex is not the main reason , no one would stay and go thru what I went in the last 9 months ,since we got caught, only for sex. Yes it is great, but I am an attractive woman(or so I have been told) and I had other offers , so finding sex would not be a problem. My case is I truly love him . When I met him i was so depressed I would wake up in the moning wishing I hadn't. He has being my best friend, we have a very close connection and we talk a lot. Before I wanted him so much that I almost lost him. After we got caught I realised that the little time we had were plenty. I tried to walk alway, but how do you walk way from someone you REALLY love. I know he feels the same. but he has a family and finances and a wife he believes wont be able to handle the D. I had to make a choice. We talk almost everyday but we see each other very little now, sometimes only 2 or 4 times per month. Not always we have sex. Sometimes we just seat and talk. He realised too that what we have is more then physical . Imagine if you lived in a cave and was given two choices;1. either never see the sun again ! or you could come out and see the sun a couple of times a month. Would you really chose too live in the dark forever? That is the best way I can explain. And no in 5 yr I am not bored. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted May 7, 2007 Author Share Posted May 7, 2007 look SC, I am not saying being in this type of relationship is right, you do not know how close the OW and MM are, they may truly love eachother, not everyone gets into a realtionship just for the sex... it is part of it but not the whole thing. Couples drift apart and it takes work to keep a relationship going, You are not the wife in her scenario so stop putting yourself in there ok... I don't think that she should remain his mistress forever, I think that she deserves more, just like you...on your best days did not deserve to be cheated on Wise words. -------------------------------------------------- One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. Sophocles. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 look SC, I am not saying being in this type of relationship is right, you do not know how close the OW and MM are, they may truly love eachother, not everyone gets into a realtionship just for the sex... it is part of it but not the whole thing. If they truly loved each other, then the MM wouldn't be married any more and he'd leave to be with her. Otherwise, why is he staying? Link to post Share on other sites
NearlyThere Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 If they truly loved each other, then the MM wouldn't be married any more and he'd leave to be with her. Otherwise, why is he staying? Staying for the children, you know all about that one. You stay because you love your children, even though your W has cheated on you. You are very angry and upset but your willing to sacrifice your own feelings of wanting to possibly divorce because of your love for them. Likewise a MM will stay for the love his children, even if it means staying in a R with a W that he believes he no longer has the right connection with any more and sacrificing his possible happiness with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 Staying for the children, you know all about that one. You stay because you love your children, even though your W has cheated on you. And she currently is not. If she was having an affair to this day, she would be out of the house. Different situation here...they want to continue the affair forever without the MM having any intentions of leaving his wife. You are very angry and upset but your willing to sacrifice your own feelings of wanting to possibly divorce because of your love for them. Likewise a MM will stay for the love his children Different story once again, he is f#cking another woman behind his wife's back and will continue to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 Staying for the children, you know all about that one. You stay because you love your children, even though your W has cheated on you. You are very angry and upset but your willing to sacrifice your own feelings of wanting to possibly divorce because of your love for them. Likewise a MM will stay for the love his children, even if it means staying in a R with a W that he believes he no longer has the right connection with any more and sacrificing his possible happiness with someone else. SC stays with his wife because he is not a selfish person. He has said many times that if his wife ever cheats again, he will leave her. He will not stand for it again. This is very different from a MM who is selfish and has an affair. IMO, the selfish man does not stay for his kids, he stays because it's what is best for him. Everything that the cheating MM does is done because that is what he wants to do. It has nothing to do with his wife, kids or the OW, he is the only person that is important in his world. MM use kids as the excuse to keep things the way they are. He knows that no one will fault him for being such a "good" father, and in most cases the OW will go along for the ride thinking that the MM is being honest with her. All the while, the wife is at home thinking he is being honest with her. Truth is, he is lying to everyone including himself. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 The other reality about staying for the kids is that it robs the faithful spouse of the chance to have a life full of real love. Philandering MM do not think about how their actions will effect his wife, kids or the OW. That is why it makes no sense for the MM to stay for the kids. He does not think in those terms. He only thinks about himself. Until he realizes what is missing in himself and fixes it, he cannot be committed to anyone including his kids. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 SC stays with his wife because he is not a selfish person. He has said many times that if his wife ever cheats again, he will leave her. He will not stand for it again. This is very different from a MM who is selfish and has an affair. IMO, the selfish man does not stay for his kids, he stays because it's what is best for him. Everything that the cheating MM does is done because that is what he wants to do. It has nothing to do with his wife, kids or the OW, he is the only person that is important in his world. MM use kids as the excuse to keep things the way they are. He knows that no one will fault him for being such a "good" father, and in most cases the OW will go along for the ride thinking that the MM is being honest with her. All the while, the wife is at home thinking he is being honest with her. Truth is, he is lying to everyone including himself. He stays because he CHOOSES to stay...if she did cheat again, who knows what he would do because you don't really know how you will react to something until it actually happens to you... Everyone is selfish to a point...even those who think they are not... While sometimes children are used as an excuse, it is also a valid reason...a man can be a good father but terrible husband...and many women do use the children as a tool to produce guilt and instill fear of losing them... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 The other reality about staying for the kids is that it robs the faithful spouse of the chance to have a life full of real love. quote] I agree with everything you've said here... Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 While sometimes children are used as an excuse, it is also a valid reason...a man can be a good father but terrible husband...and many women do use the children as a tool to produce guilt and instill fear of losing them... It depends...a man is a terrible father if he is the one doing the cheating....when you cheat on your spouse..you cheat on your children too. Don't say it isn't either...when you betray your children's mother/father, you are betraying someone closest to their heart...so when you hurt your spouse, you hurt your children. A cheater is also showing that they don't care enough about the family and they only care about getting their own rocks off...whether they think they are in love with the OM/OW or not. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 He stays because he CHOOSES to stay...if she did cheat again, who knows what he would do because you don't really know how you will react to something until it actually happens to you... Everyone is selfish to a point...even those who think they are not... While sometimes children are used as an excuse, it is also a valid reason...a man can be a good father but terrible husband...and many women do use the children as a tool to produce guilt and instill fear of losing them... No matter what, the MM is staying in the marriage because it's what is best for HIM. If he really cared about his kids, he would indeed care about their mother. Such lack of respect for his family as a whole is proof that he is putting himself first. I'm sure it's easy for OW to believe that MM stay for the kids because it allows them to think that the MM really loves the OW and would be with her if not for the kids. No good father would put that kind of pressure on his kids. That is like saying that he is blaming his kids for the fact that he can't be with someone he loves. No good parent uses their kids like that. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 He stays because he CHOOSES to stay...if she did cheat again, who knows what he would do because you don't really know how you will react to something until it actually happens to you... Everyone is selfish to a point...even those who think they are not... While sometimes children are used as an excuse, it is also a valid reason...a man can be a good father but terrible husband...and many women do use the children as a tool to produce guilt and instill fear of losing them... I just re-read this and saw that you said sometimes children are used as an excuse. Thank you for acknowledging that it does happen. I'm sure there are exceptions to my opinion as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted May 8, 2007 Author Share Posted May 8, 2007 I would like to clarify that MM children don't live in the house anymore, they are adults. I have know idea why MM is staying... today he told me again that he is making his final decision of leaving or staying in 25 days. I don't believe he is going anywhere... Anyway I wont be seeing him during this perios to give him total freedom, althought my gut knows the answer.He thinks he is making a decision, but he is not going anywhere. I said I TRULY love him I don't know if he feels the same... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 He is staying because in his mind (sorry SIL) you're not a sure bet that things will work out 100%, so he'd be giving up his wife, his life and the family life for you and he can't be alone if it doesn't work out. So, him taking the chance of ending his marriage is very doubtful. Yes, you love him, and he probably does love you - Just not enough to change his whole life and start over again from scratch. Too old, too settled, too selfish.... KEEP busy during the next 25 days and DO NOT TALK TO HIM. NO emails, IM's, Text messaging, phone calls, NOTHING! When those 25 days are up, then you're gonna have to be strong and decide for yourself what kind of life you're going to live. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted May 8, 2007 Author Share Posted May 8, 2007 . Too old, too settled, too selfish.... . You just used his own words, he said that to me once.We all know the end of it,don't we? he will come back in 25 days and repeat the same broken record reasons and than we will continue the affair. I told him today that I already accepted that he is not going anywhere, and ask him to stop the decision BullS*****. He tells me he dosen't whant to live a double life anymore and so on. Man are really crazy (sorry guys) , when I was asking him to leave he was telling me HE NEVER WOULD. Now that I said I won't ask or pressure him again ,he says he has to make a decision. Go figure....... I think I felt in love with Mr. Opposite Day. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 he will come back in 25 days and repeat the same broken record reasons and than we will continue the affair. IS that what you want? To still be his OW? If you stay, you're gonna have to accept your role as the OW in his life, accept what he is, isn't able to offer you - If you can deal with it and know that you don't come first and isn't ever leaving his wife, then yeah, stick around.... OR, you can end it, take back your self respect, pride, ego and control. DO NOT SETTLE for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted May 8, 2007 Author Share Posted May 8, 2007 IS that what you want? To still be his OW? If you stay, you're gonna have to accept your role as the OW in his life, accept what he is, isn't able to offer you - If you can deal with it and know that you don't come first and isn't ever leaving his wife, then yeah, stick around.... OR, you can end it, take back your self respect, pride, ego and control. DO NOT SETTLE for him. That is what I want, it may change in the future...Now I just want to be the second...I want to be invisible...I want to meet him in secret talk to him only when we are at work and all that bad stuff. The good part is shaken now because of his mind going crazy....Maybe I am going crazy because I don't want him to leave! Before he would say he would never leave, now that he is saying maybe I started to panic. Go figure....... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2007 Share Posted May 8, 2007 Is it possible that you got so used to the sneaking around, it being an affair and not an honest and open relationship, so now him really pondering (sorry, but that's a big IF is he actually pondering) turning the affair into the real thing, you're scared that it won't be the same? Same intensity, same feelings, real life, good and bad - Not just parttime or when you two 'feel' like seeing eachother? Is it possible that if he does actually leave her, you're now really wondering if he is trustworthy? To stay faithful only to you? Or if he ends it with his wife, he may end with you as well? I don't understand you SIL. One minute you want him to leave his wife, then the next minute you don't...You wanna be second and invisible right now, but for MONTHS and MONTHS and MONTHS you wanted to be number one and visible? SIL, please go see a therapist. I can't remember if you said you were seeing one or not, but if you aren't, definately go. You need to figure out what you feel and want before this affair/relationship goes any further. If you don't want him to leave his wife, you can't continue being the OW. It's just so unfair to his wife, and to yourself... Link to post Share on other sites
Author scaredinlove Posted May 8, 2007 Author Share Posted May 8, 2007 Is it possible that you got so used to the sneaking around, it being an affair and not an honest and open relationship, so now him really pondering (sorry, but that's a big IF is he actually pondering) turning the affair into the real thing, you're scared that it won't be the same? Same intensity, same feelings, real life, good and bad - Not just parttime or when you two 'feel' like seeing eachother? Is it possible that if he does actually leave her, you're now really wondering if he is trustworthy? To stay faithful only to you? Or if he ends it with his wife, he may end with you as well? I don't understand you SIL. One minute you want him to leave his wife, then the next minute you don't...You wanna be second and invisible right now, but for MONTHS and MONTHS and MONTHS you wanted to be number one and visible? SIL, please go see a therapist. I can't remember if you said you were seeing one or not, but if you aren't, definately go. You need to figure out what you feel and want before this affair/relationship goes any further. If you don't want him to leave his wife, you can't continue being the OW. It's just so unfair to his wife, and to yourself... WWIU ,For months and years I wanted to br with him because I felt we would be very happy. But now I think that we would not be happy, because his W and my exH would make sure they would make our lives miserable . And I keep having flashbacks from my marriage and started to wonder if he won't turn into my exH if we move in.I also was wondering if the kids could handle having a new man in the house. His kids are grown ups, would he be able to handle raising 3 small kids too? These are the questions that are popping on my head. I feel bad for his wife too, what happened if she gets sick and he is not there, she will be totally alone.Her kids don't care. Will he regret losing everything because of me and that will hurt our relatonship? we have a age gap, will that make it harder?I don't care about it but he does because he is afraid I will find a younger guy and take off. He is more than pondering, and I know he is not doing that only for me, things are not good in his M, they are not going crazy anymore but the hostility is there, and he feels he doesn't want to live like that much plonger.But I know he is a chicken too. The counceler at my Kids school (she dosent know about the affair) told me that women who have been in abusive relationships will feel scared of getting into new ones. She also told me that this will pass. I guess I am having a type of pass trauma sindrome. I am looking for a therapist, first I am working with my kids so they can get over the changes caused by the separation.They seem fine and tell me they like better the way things are now,but I decided to take them to see someone anyway .After they are done I will take care of myself. Link to post Share on other sites
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