No kissing-is that a sign?

[Neewbie]

We've been married for 25 1/2 years. I'm happy. Sex is good when I can get it. My wife just found out that she has a STD, which I know didn't come from me but doesn't positively HAVE to be transmitted by sex (I've been faithful, but can understand how easy it would be for someone to stray). My grown daughter knows about this and said "Mom would have to get nicer to have an affair", as a little joke. But, what it is like, is that she would have to have a split personality. I don't see her going off with another guy....but I have been known as the person that 'buries their head in the sand' before about other tough issues.

The glaring thing I have overlooked for years is that she won't kiss anymore. She said it is my beard that irritates her skin...but I keep thinking of the movies where the prostitute says that is the one thing they WON'T do, is kiss a John.

 

Women here, if you were having an affair, would kissing your husband be distasteful? Or is that pretty normal after being together for 30+ years?

 

My younger friends at work, just shake their heads when I ask about this.

She's looking great, lost weight (she was never heavy) and then her wedding ring kept falling off. I finally took her to the jeweler to get it fixed. She didn't seem to be in a hurry to get it fixed.

 

My wife never initiates sex, seems to get into after a while, and then it goes great.

 

So, am I paranoid (another thing I am famous for) or ignoring the obvious?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "So, am I paranoid (another thing I am famous for) or ignoring the obvious?"

 

It sounds like you are pretty darm calm and level headed for a guy who has a wife who's cheating on him. But after 25 years of marriage, maybe you're not all that bothered. You should ask her to please not bring the STD's home with her. There's a few really bad ones out there.

 

If what you say has been confirmed and she has an STD that could only be transmitted through sex and you, yourself, have not been screwing around, then it seems she has been straying.

 

So to answer your question, you can't be paranoid because you are dealing with fact...if you have your facts straight...and you're not ignoring the obvious....if you have your facts straight.

 

Fact is, many people have different personalities. People can be extremely nice when they want something. You also have to realize that you have been married 25 years and your wife is likely to be quite different with someone she is attracted to that she has just met. The same is true for single people who are dating. Nothing to do with split personalities...it's just a false-self that people put on to impress those they are trying to attract.

 

So, even if you're wife is a real bxtch, if she wanted to get layed by someone new and different she could act like the nicest lady in the world...just like she did when the two of you were courting. That's the reason so many people get divorced...because the person they courted is not the person they married.

 

As far as the no kissing goes, many couples who have been married for many years don't do much of that. I suppose it's due to familarity and lack of the chemistry that once existed. I used to love to watch old man President Bush give a forced peck to First Lady Barbara for the benefit of cameras. It was a joke...but at least he tried. I think it's normal for people who've been together for years not to be big into kissing...but, of course, there are many exceptions. You need to look at deeper issues here.

 

You sound like a truly terrific guy. Nice, calm, level-headed, forgiving, rational, sane...man your wife is damned lucky to have you. It's so sad that cool guys like yourself often end up with these kinds of marriages. Of course, women do as well.

 

It's time for you and your wife to have a talk...and perhaps some counselling. Even though you sound like you are perfectly capable of working all this out, your wife is a different person and if you sail through this and other things don't chance in her, she'll continue to be unfaithful. I promise there are millions of women looking for a neat fellow like you.

 

You've also got a pretty cool daughter too!

[midori]

hm, this is a weird situation. If I read you right, the STD isn't necessarily something she contracted from having sex (with anyone). It sounds as though you don't actually like your wife -- and from what you've said it sounds like many others don't either. That's something to consider as you explore the issue at hand.

 

Speaking as a woman, I will say that I too find a beard to be an enormous turn-off. It does scratch one's face and if the kissing gets passionate a woman can end up with very raw skin. I don't know how long you've had a beard, or if she has always objected to it, but I wonder if it's not a symptom of the bad vibes that seem to be between the two of you. Why do you have a beard when your wife dislikes it so?

 

If I were married to someone who decided to grow a beard, despite my telling him that it made him less attractive to me, and that it made kissing him unpleasant for me, I'd wonder what his priorities were -- because clearly they would not be about having a good sex life with me. Since kissing is an imporant part of love making, especially foreplay, eliminating kissing from the repertoire is going to seriously compromise sex overall. In your wife's shoes I don't think that I would be initiating sex very often.

 

I know that some women don't have a problem with beards. Some women like them. Perhaps someone will chime in to say, "once the beard is fully grown it's softer and it doesn't scratch, etc etc." Which is true of some beards, and true for some women -- but not all. Failure to appreciate your beard is not necessarily a shortcoming your wife's part. I do believe that whether or not to grow a beard is a man's choice. It's his face after all, so if it's just about how the beard looks, it's entirely up to him. But a man who wants to have his face in close contact with another person's ought to consider the other person's preferences. It seems a little funny that you're wondering what's up with your wife not kissing you, when she has explicitly told you that she doesn't like your beard and that it scratches her face.

 

Now if you've had a beard for years and her complaints only started recently, that does seem to indicate that there's something going on with *her*. It's possible of course that, as she ages, her skin has become more sensitive, so the beard that was no problem five or ten years ago is a genuine problem for her now. It's also possible that she has never liked the beard but hoped it was just a phase and that sooner or later you'd get rid of it; but has grown impatient with waiting and is now being honest with you. A third possibility, which seems to be what you're asking about, is that her dislike of kissing is related to a transformation in how she feels about you, and the beard thing is just an excuse.

 

It seems to me like you ought to have a real converation with your wife about your lack of intimacy, which seems to extend beyond your physical relationship. If the beard is a deal-breaker for her you ought to find out why, and you ought to consider why you're so reluctant to accommodate her. From what you've said it does seem like there are some passive aggressive tactics going on here, but whether it's you or her is impossible for an outsider to tell.

 

Good luck

[Neewbie]

It's hard to know much about us, from the little bit I wrote. My feeling is the whiskers really bother her skin. She just told me that once she went to the dermatologist about a rash on her face (when we were about 20-we're the same age). I have always had a mustache, and only recently a goatee. I shaved it off once in hopes that would make a difference, and she said, "hurry up and grow it back! I don't like the way you look without it". Do you see what I mean? I don't REALLY think it's a sign, but other people I have asked think I'm being naive.

I'm bummed that I sound like I don't like her.....we work at the same place, and there she is referred to as 'my little spitfire'. She worked there way longer than I, so all of their opinions of her were formed way before they met me.

If, as a team, we are the good cop/bad cop combo, I am the good cop. She is the one that is going to kick someone's ass if they give us any trouble.

I love her and don't want to be anywhere else. I'm actually bewildered to even consider her as unfaithful and hiding it. She usually meets things headon. She has quite a few character traits that I'm missing. One of them is that she is 'not plagued by self-doubt'.

 

I'm trying very hard not to write a story that features me as the hero. I'm no angel, and probaby part of the reason that I never fooled around, is that I didn't want MY ass kicked!

[Bizzit]

Relationships and people change all the time some of us dont want the change to be with us but it happens. It took me a wile to be honest about it and im sure she will to if that is what is happening to her.

I dont mean to offend you but your heart already knows or suspects it. Good Luck to you and I hope that you can work on this together