We're all done

[Ladyjane14]

Yea?! But, you're from the South ~ a Redneck Girl (Hell Yea!), and like a pit bull, junkyard dog? Forget the arm? You'd go for that thar' azz!

 

Dude... I've got NO SHOT at denying my "redneck" heritage.

 

In fact, just earlier today, I've been forced to admit I'd be willing take asses for wall-mounted trophies. :p

(I still know where to find a good taxidermist too! )

[Gunny376]

Dude... I've got NO SHOT at denying my "redneck" heritage.

 

In fact, just earlier today, I've been forced to admit I'd be willing take asses for wall-mounted trophies. :p

(I still know where to find a good taxidermist too! )

 

I'd be surprised if I were to walk in your den and not find many a "trophy" hanging on the wall already! :lmao:

 

Goggle a cookbook called "White Trash Cooking" its out of print but you can still get it of eBay or Amizon, I had both I & II editions. My last LTR GF (North Carolina gal) stole them from me! Even admitted to it, and bragged about it ~ "They're mine now!"

 

They actually got some good, although usual recipies in them ~ not for heart patients though? Most Southern recipies call for a least one teaspoon of lard? LOL!

 

Most here would be at a lost when I speak of eating a "tomato" or "pineapple" sandwich!

 

Sorry getting off topic ~ but I do love the South and the people in it!

[mammax3]

I need to vent.

 

So he thinks he's in love with her. How does this happen? And I can't go on nursing this pathetic hope that he's going to come back to his family. And I have this intense anger that he could do this to his family. How does someone just let go like this?

 

I'm trying very hard not to call him.Very hard.

 

How could he do this to me? To our kids? Has he been tricking me these last years? And there's nothing i can do. I hate that. I can't reason with him. I can't make him come home. He's seriously just decided that he'd prefer to be out there with her than home with me. It's so sickening.

 

Oh! I want to call him. And say what?? What would I hope to accomplish?? And that's assuming he didn't just hang up on me. Or think I'm a raving b*tch. He's still maintaining this lie that they're just friends and I want him to know that he's not fooling anyone.

 

How terrible is it that I hope she's playing him? That they'll be together for just a little while, and then she'll get over him? How effective would it be for me to call her? I have to assume that she knows about us, so how much could I do?

 

I hate this. And the nighttimes are the worst!! It's hard. I know you all know but it's just so hard.

I really want someone to tell me what I can say to make him smarten up. What I can say to make him realize what he's feeling is just momentary lust or affection... it's not what we had.

 

How can one leave like this??

 

Thanks. I needed to get that out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I really want someone to tell me what I can say to make him smarten up. What I can say to make him realize what he's feeling is just momentary lust or affection...

 

I'm afraid that there is nothing you can say to him that will get through to him right now. That would be like telling someone who smokes that smoking is bad for them. They know it, they are addicted to it though and don't really want to stop.

 

Since words won't work, you'll have to take action - if he is like the smoker, what this will do will be like showing him his lung xray that is full of lung cancer - see a lawyer and find out if you are in a no fault state. If you are in my state, you would be able to sue the OW for alienation of affection and criminal conversation, and OW would be forced by the courts to pay dearly for her part in ending your marriage. Even if you are not in a fault state, you can still have the papers drawn up, and get the maximum settlement that you can. Get the most child support that you can, and the highest alimony that you can and the greater deal of the custody, if not full custody. Arrange it legally so that OW cannot be around your children. Make it as hard as you possibly can on him.

 

Once those papers are drawn up, hit them with them and then slam the door in his face. Seeing a dollar amount assigned to his actions, and seeing just what it will cost him to do what he is doing to you just might get through to him.

 

I can guarantee you that words alone won't.

[Ladyjane14]

How effective would it be for me to call her? I have to assume that she knows about us, so how much could I do?

 

I think that depends largely on how many lies he's told her. For example, he might've told her that you two weren't sleeping together and that you being pregnant is an aberration to your otherwise "sexless" relationship.

He might've told her that YOU are the one who wants a divorce or that YOU are the one who's cheating. Hell, he could've told her anything.

 

All that said, usually when the MM is busted in his lies...it just pisses the OW off for a while, he kisses her ass in order to get back into her good graces... and then it's on again.

 

I think it's fairly rare for an OW to tell the truth. And much as LB has already told you, I think she either won't take your call, or she will LIE to you.

 

If it was me... I'd probably do it anyway though, just of the off chance he'd told her some real whoppers. But I wouldn't do it more than once. Remember... whenever you introduce 'drama' to the illicit relationship, you present them with a common foe which they can unite against. The last thing you want to do... is to become the GLUE that binds these two miscreants together.

[mammax3]

Thanks LJ and LB.

 

You've both presented me with good things to think about. Since he's not being honest about so much, I find it hard to trust him on anything and although we decided to wait til after tha baby's born, I kinda want to hit him with the papers before.

 

But I just don't want to make the wrong decision! My attorney said it'd be okay to wait til after the birth, but it makes me sick to think that he's out there doing his bachelor thang with his girly and being all smug and okay with leaving me and the kids. And it's only been a month, so I don't know if the A will dissolve on it's own (any stats?) and then what? or if I should 'hit' him while he's potentially still hurting (does he hurt?) and give him the shake.

 

I don't think I'll call her. It would be more connecting for them, I think that's a good point. And the not being able to talk to him is making me crazy too. We're essentially NC since he's so determined to end the marriage (and without trying! How frustrating!) and not be a father anymore.

 

It's hard to see how sunny it is on the top side of the clouds.

[sumdude]

Well, affair relationships don't often last terribly long. However that doesn't mean he'll ever want to come back even if it does fail. Ask yourself if you're sure you would want him back? What if he does this again in a few years with some other fling? I mean don't totally give up on everything but if having a baby doesn't bring him back what could?

[ilmw]

Hi,

 

You have been getting some really great advice...

 

All I have to add is this.... You need to stop trying to figure this out. It is what it is right now... It has been suggested to you to protect yourself and your little ones... That should be your priority...

 

I spent countless days and nights... trying to figure my own situation out... and then.. I got to a point ... where I had enough... worrying and wishing... It was doing my head in. I still wish it was different... but it was taken out of my hands all long time ago.... and it took me a long time to really figure that out... and be good with it.. BECAUSE, I knew I did everything I could do to stem the flow that was my marriage washing over the top to that damn... and flowing away into history...

 

Your situation I realise is different.. they all are... but we all have the same thing in common. We all were hurt... we all feel abandoned... all of us were confused... and felt the world around us crashing down...

 

Things will get better... in time.. (I know you have heard this countless times...) It is true...

 

I don't envy you.. but I do admire you...K

Be strong... lady...

ilmw

[Gunny376]

I guess I'm the stats guy around here. I don't have any stats about affairs, but from my reading I know they've got a snowball's chance in Hell.

 

The divorce stats for first time marriages waffle any given year between 48 to 52 %.

 

The divorce rate for second time marriage is 62%.

 

The divorce rate for third time marriages is 72% (Source: Dr Phil and a some books among them the book ("Crazy Time")

 

The success rate for getting back together and making a success of it is in the single digits. That is to say, that the chances of you and the DH getting back together and making a go of it long term are doubtful at best.

 

Which leads to the next part. Most affairs fizzle and falter. Why? Because they're made of smoke and mirrors and illussions. They're fantasies. Think about it? You've got two people that are running from their day to day lives, their day to day reality, their day to day responsiblities ~ HELL~ they're running from themselves. Life got a little hard, things got a little tuff! They smell a little smoke, not even sure if the engines are on fire and they bail! And all it was some guy lighting up a smoke in the freaking bathroom!

 

Who freaking cares if the the DH and OW hook up after the divorce? Cheaters deserve each other. Sign me up for a freaking lifetime of that! Me with a woman that I cheated on with my wife that gave birth to my three children! Oh yea, Baby! Where ya been all my life! You just know I can trust you to go to the 7-11 for four hours to get a gallon of milk! Girls night out? Hell yea! I can hardly wait until the next time we make love and you've give me God Only Knows What for the rest of my life ~ you know ~ one of those "gifts" that keep on giving, and giving, and giving!

 

I know things are hard and tough right now, and you're talking to a guy that's seen and been through some hard and rough times. You wake up today and you're life is a trainwreck ~ you know what? Its going to be alright. No matter what, its going to be alright.

 

I gave that to ilmw in the early stages of his thread, I got it from a 63 year old man that lost his wife to cancer. Tom had a way of saying it, not just verbally, but with his eyes, his face, his body language.

 

When those anxiety moments hit, when the crying hits, when the lows hit, when the depressions hits, just think of the most confident person, self assurred you've ever known ~ close your eyes and see them saying, "Its going to be alright! No matter what, its going to be alright!"

 

And it will be! If you walk out of this marriage with nothing but those three babies ~ those most wonderful of gifts of God ~ you'll be alright!

 

They need you, and you need them, and that's enough to make a new start, without him! They're your "rock" that's going to get you through this.

 

BTW?! Next time you see him, give him a road map with directions as to how to get from where you are to Panama City, Fla. When he asks why he needs directions to PC, Fla? So he can drive there and go pound sand in his azz!

[mammax3]

Thanks ilmw and Gunny. You guys are both right and it helps to be reminded and to have a shake myself! It doesn't do any good to dwell and to overanaylze - It is what it is and no amount of me thinking and talking is going to change that. (It sure helps to get it out, though!) I know I'm going to come back and reread these posts when i'm struggling.

 

I talked to him for a long time tonight. I'd like to say I burst his bubble but I know I didn't. But I was a bit of reality for him, and told him things that no one else has told him -since he's not talking to anyone here at home. (I realized tonight just how much of a fantasy he's in, he sounds like a loony-toon! So out of touch with what's going on - he says that it's not easy to 'do what he did' and I said, Buddy, it's your choice and it's still your choice to fix it! Don't whine to me! And he said that this is the best thing for him to do, I told him that's selfish and a real man wouldn't think like that. He's thinking with his d*ck and I'm left holding the bag. He knows how this can play out - the sh*t he and his mother went through when his dad left? Yep, that's what me and our kids are going through.)

 

But he did admit to an EA. I told him that having an EA is just as bad on a marriage as a sexual one and that he looks stupid since everyone here knows he's lying. He denied having sex, and I said there's no reason that i should believe you. And I guess it doesn't matter, really, since he's completely clocked out of this marriage and it's not going to change (I didn't realize the stats for getting back together were so low!)

 

Anyway, we talked a bit about the legalities of separating (he wants to 'back date' our separating for the no fault divorce route, and I told him No, I'm not lying about that. Since that'd make this baby essentially conceived during the separation and that's *not* what happened!) and the baby's birth. I am realizing what a non-man he is, (although I still struggle with wondering if he's havinf a personal crisis that should have my support, but I am getting through that. I've given him lots of opportunities to get help) and becoming almost thankful that the kids are being spared this model of a Father and Man.

 

I figure I'll probably need a few more shakes over the next little while! Thank you for being here and offering all you're terrific input. It's like I carry you all with me and rely on your advice and positive words when I'm feeling low.

 

[Ladyjane14]

But he did admit to an EA. I told him that having an EA is just as bad on a marriage as a sexual one and that he looks stupid since everyone here knows he's lying. He denied having sex, and I said there's no reason that i should believe you.

 

I don't know WHY waywards always seem to think their spouse has suddenly become blind and stupid.

That's the part that just pisses me off. It's not even a reasonable supposition to think a guy would just chuck his wife and kids... and him not even having sex. WTF. He must think you just fell off the turnip truck.

 

....And it's only been a month, so I don't know if the A will dissolve on it's own (any stats?) and then what? or if I should 'hit' him while he's potentially still hurting (does he hurt?) and give him the shake....

 

 

....And I guess it doesn't matter, really, since he's completely clocked out of this marriage and it's not going to change (I didn't realize the stats for getting back together were so low!)...

 

I don't know a whole lot about statistics, but really... what you're facing here is your WH's infatuation with the OW. Once the infatuation wears off, that's when whatever marriage statistics that would apply will kick in.

 

The problem is... that "infatuation" has a shelf-life for something like 2-4 years. Illicit affairs, which are undiscovered, can run considerably longer due to the secrecy and fantasy elements. People can stay "infatuated" for decades when they're living outside the parameters of REAL LIFE.

 

The clock starts ticking once the affair couple is exposed to "real life".

 

Meanwhile though, the betrayed spouse is 'running out of gas'. 2-4 years is a LONG time to wait, particularly when what your waiting for is a cheating scumbag.

Unfortunately for him, by the time he pulls his head out of his ass... you'll have long since 'moved on'. That is IF he ever does "pull his head out". Oftentimes, a WS will NEVER admit to making a mistake.

 

It's up to you, but in your shoes... I'd go ahead and serve him. Personally, even if I'm reluctant to be involved in whatever particular process, I'd rather be "in control" of it than to allow someone I don't trust to take the lead. And if he was dealing with me... he could 'wish in one hand and sh*t in the other' regarding that "no fault" divorce idea.

 

I am realizing what a non-man he is, (although I still struggle with wondering if he's havinf a personal crisis that should have my support, but I am getting through that. I've given him lots of opportunities to get help) and becoming almost thankful that the kids are being spared this model of a Father and Man.

 

There's the crux of it... you've "given him opportunities". Really, as a wife and partner, you did the best you could do for him. You gave him the chance to make the right choices, and he didn't take it. That's not your fault.

 

Yeah... there IS likely to be some kind of "personal crisis" going on with him. But you can't help somebody who won't take help. And you can't let a drowner pull YOU under too. He's just gonna have to sink or swim. You've got kids to raise. You have to provide a healthy environment for them. That's JOB ONE.

[mammax3]

I've been feeling quite centered today. Slightly Zennish, but I fully believe that we are over, and I don't need to hope anymore - for him to tell me the truth, for him to change his mind... nothing. I just feel that I'm ready to begin looking forward and to see my life as it will unfold without him. Scary, and slightly sickening, but it'll be all mine and my kids. And I know it'll get better.

 

There are small pinprick moments when I stumble and think "How could he do this to me? To us? The kids??" or I wonder if he's always felt this way (not wanting family and kids as much as he claimed)... or realizing this selfish side of him. But I read on a website that the actions of the WS have little to do with the BS and the OP is a solution to the problems of a marriage (a dumb solution, but not an initial problem itself). H wasn't a strong enough person to come to me and discuss what problems he felt we had. He chickened out on our family and when the push came to try and repair his mistakes, he continued to bail. I can't change him. And I can only move forward and make the best choices for me and the kids (as he feels leaving the family is the best choice for him).

 

LJ, "The clock starts ticking once the affair couple is exposed to "real life" do you mean real life as in realizing that they're not as compatible/perfect/funny/soul mates or in terms of what their friends and family have to say about their hooking up? Not that it matters to my situation, but I'd like to have an idea about what sort of behaviours and actions I might expect from him down the road...

 

"Really, as a wife and partner, you did the best you could do for him. You gave him the chance to make the right choices, and he didn't take it. That's not your fault"

 

No, it's not. And although I can certainly take part of the blame (if we are pointing fingers) in the problems of our marriage I will not share the load of choosing to separate and divorce. That was entirely him, and I didn't get one word of a say in the matter (although he did try to manipulate me into thinking I did...).

 

"But you can't help somebody who won't take help. And you can't let a drowner pull YOU under too. He's just gonna have to sink or swim. You've got kids to raise."

 

Sing it sista! I sure do. Will have three soon, and I'm going to be treading water for a while on my own and I can't try to drag him along too. It's hard not to feel compassionate or anything for him... and eventually (like, years from now!) we'll have a positive relationship, but now... no.

 

Thanks so much..

[Gunny376]

Forget this freaking clown!

 

He's going to be sitting in the old folks home, trying to talk about his fourth and fifth XW without getting them mixed up!

 

Learn, grow, improvise, adapt, and over-come!

 

From what you've posted here, you come across as a good woman, a good wife, a good mother, and a damn good person.

 

We can sit here all night and talk about what the OW's got that you don't have. There's always going to be someone smarter, prettier, richer, etc than you. Just like there's always gong to be someone dumber, uglier, poorer than you.

 

The truth of the matter is ~ that most of us fall into the category of "worse than some ~ better than most!" and "Thereby but for the Grace of God ~ go I!"

 

You want to know what the OW got that you don't have? A whole lot of Hell, hate, and discontent, along with heartache, headache that you no longer have! Good rideance ~ and Goodbye! Don't be going ~ be gone!

 

The OW? She's no better than you! But you know what? You're just as damn good if not better than she will ever be!

 

The only freaking reason your doubting yourself is because you taken yourself off the market to become a dedicated wife and mother to him and those three babies! You went to the "minors" when you could have been in the "major league" And you did it for him and those children. Let me set you right on something? Once a "Pro" always a pro.

 

Granted, you've got three children ~ but you know what. A good, quality man, of characther, morals, principles, ethics ~ he doesn't care about all that. A good man is looking for a good woman, just like good women are looking for a good man!

 

Let this clown go! Go out and find yourself a good man!

 

Just to let you know? I'd consider a woman with three children by another man ~ in so long Mama has thus far to date raised them right! I wouldn't be up for some spoiled "Helluins" though!

 

I could admire a woman that comes in from work, walks in the backdoor, and annouces to the children ~ "The beatings will now begin!" ~ LOL! (Just kidding ~ that's an old Bill Cosby joke!)

[Ladyjane14]

LJ, "The clock starts ticking once the affair couple is exposed to "real life" do you mean real life as in realizing that they're not as compatible/perfect/funny/soul mates or in terms of what their friends and family have to say about their hooking up? Not that it matters to my situation, but I'd like to have an idea about what sort of behaviours and actions I might expect from him down the road...

 

When there's an absence of 'drama'... they'll only have each other to blame if they're not knee-slappin' happy enough. When everybody knows and nobody cares.

 

"Drama" feeds the EMR like gasoline on a fire. When drama is present the affair couple clings together facing their detractors with an "it's US against THEM" attitude. In the absence of drama, the mundane matters of day-to-day life start getting in the way. ....And then they are amplified.

 

A man paying child support for three kids and spousal support to his ex-wife doesn't have a whole lot of money leftover to impress people with. Oftentimes, the OW is having to make up the difference in the household expenses and begins to resent going without the things she wants.. particularly when she hears about any success the ex-wife might be enjoying in her current lifestyle.

 

Meanwhile, all the little things that YOU might have done to cause him annoyance will never be tolerated coming from her. After all... he's cashed in his whole family for her sake. Leaving her socks on the floor or the cap off the toothpaste are things he could've stayed home for.

 

I read a book years ago called Sibling Rivalry. And one of the things that stood out for me, and I think is true of most other cases of "rivalry" is this: "If you be THIS, then I must be THAT".

 

IOW, whatever his complaints were during his marriage with you, these are the things she's trying to prove to him that she is not. And even after you've completely let go, and could give a rat's ass WHAT he does... she'll still be cognizant of those earlier complaints. So.. if he said he didn't get enough sex, she must ALWAYS give him sex when he wants it. If he said you didn't keep the house organized enough... she must ALWAYS keep it spotless.

 

The OW loses her right to complaints of her own. Otherwise, she becomes that which the MM has already demonstrated a willingness to leave. She's created her own monster.

 

The pressure is enormous. For the first time, in the absence of the "us against them" mindset... they've got to actually LOOK at each other. As I said earlier, he's cashed in his whole family for this. He's lost the respect of friends and family members. For his part, it damn well better be worth it.

 

And yet... she doesn't know his preferences. He's trained YOU for years to know what kind of household products he prefers and how he likes his food cooked, when he needs solitude and when he prefers companionship. etc. etc. She doesn't know much about him really. Certainly not enough to keep him assured that sacrificing his family was worth it.

 

Now, I'm not saying that EVERY affair couple is destined to break up. But damn, there are ALOT of dynamics in play that point 'em in that direction. Some will stubbornly adhere to one another, years after any happiness they had in the relationship is gone, simply because the affair was so expensive in emotional terms. Others will realize right quickly that they've made a big mistake, and often enough it's the OW who feels like she's in over her head and wants out. Sometimes, the MM/cheater ends up with no one.... which of course is the EXACT thing he was trying to avoid by cheating.

 

Anyway... this is all so much stuff and fluff in YOUR life. In a couple of years, I doubt you'll very much care what happens to them. In five years... you'll be so busy traveling the path of your own life that this is going to seem like nothing but an annoying little pothole.

[mammax3]

Thanks Gunny and LJ, you make me want to cry! All your supportive and encouraging words and knowledge ... it's really like a strong hug for me right now.

 

Gunny: "you've got three children ~ but you know what. A good, quality man, of characther, morals, principles, ethics ~ he doesn't care about all that. A good man is looking for a good woman, just like good women are looking for a good man!"

 

And I've got enough support, from him financially and my family physically that I know I'll be okay and I won't feel the need to jump into the next relationship that walks by. I don't even want to! But I know mothers who've felt that need either to help define themselves or to ease their load with kids and housing etc. And when I'm ready to start thinking of myself as a woman instead of a mother (in a few years, I'm sure) then I know I'll find a good man that'll be terrific with my great kids (no hellions here! No way!)

 

LJ, all your words about how an affair could potentially unfold makes *so* much sense, but never would I have realized it on my own. I understand that there's no saying if his EA will last out time, but putting it into that context sure makes it look hard! And plus there's his emotional bags that have to be unpacked... He's been away from me for about a year, but I know him the best (or did! ) and that's got to hurt being away from all family, all friends and your best friend all for one poke at the kitty... Not saying that'll make him come back, but it seems like that vulnerability or fragility will come up and shake him a bit at some point... But as you said (and I love this!!) you'll be so busy traveling the path of your own life that this is going to seem like nothing but an annoying little pothole.

And I love to think that it will be. Thank you!

 

[Ladyjane14]

It WILL be true. You've got a great attitude.

Your optimism, in the face of adversity, keeps shining through like a beacon.

 

You're gonna do okay, Mamma. ...'Cause you're somebody who can consistently make lemonade out of life's lemons.

[Gunny376]

A man paying child support for three kids and spousal support to his ex-wife doesn't have a whole lot of money leftover to impress people with. Oftentimes, the OW is having to make up the difference in the household expenses and begins to resent going without the things she wants.. particularly when she hears about any success the ex-wife might be enjoying in her current lifestyle.

 

You've got that right! That child support comes out after tax, and typically is 25% or more of your income, Hell I know of one guy that's paying child support for three different children by three different women ~ and when all was said and done they took 2/3's of his after tax pay! He protested to the judge that one of the children wasn't his ~ the judge told him, "Well you just keep clothing and feeding him until he begins to resemble you!"

 

And yet... she doesn't know his preferences. He's trained YOU for years to know what kind of household products he prefers and how he likes his food cooked, when he needs solitude and when he prefers companionship. etc. etc. She doesn't know much about him really. Certainly not enough to keep him assured that sacrificing his family was worth it.

 

LOL! I know this guy who has this thing for Blue Bonnett margarine ~ drives his wife nuts! They've actually have fights over it, because she bought a different brand. My last GF and I had a fight because I had my folks send me a brand of potato chips from back home! (Golden Flake) when I was stationed in NC.

 

And LJ's right, within five years your going to be in such a different place, to such you're not going to give a rats ass if his life is in the pits. To sad, to bad ~ hate to be you! See ya ~ wouldn't want to be ya!"

[mammax3]

I began clean out his clothes today (to make some room in my bedroom) but there was surprisingly little of 'him' in the room, since he's already been gone for so long, most of his stuff is out there already. I'm not packing all his stuff (there's too much for me to do as it is!!) and I figure he can feel the emotions of taking his stuff out of our house.

 

We visited his parents today (they've made it clear that they want to keep involved in the kids lives, and mine) and I told them that he is having an affair - he finally admitted to it. My FIL (does that title still fit?) said that H wouldn't think it was an A since it's an EA, but that's crazy since it still wrecks marriages, and can be worse than a physical A. I said I agree, but I doubt that there's been no physical contact. We talked a little bit about his personality and what sort of woman would even want a man who'd leave his family in this way, and what does that say about H who would want a woman who'd want a man who'd leave his family... We're not talking about two moral and value-filled individuals here... I briefly explained some of what I've read about cheaters and their mindsets but FIL is 'buying' little of it. He's right PO'd at the choices H has made, and is unsure of how civil he'll be able to be when H comes here for the baby's birth.

 

I'm starting to focus on the baby's birth and the weeks following and trying to set up some support systems for me and my kids. So the nesting has begun! I think that was the real impetus for me emptying out his closet today. And despite the sh*t in my life, I'm looking forward to this little being that is always wriggling around in my belly (quite painfully right now, actually!! ) and having him/her meet his family.

 

I think it may take less than 5 years to see this pothole... I have so much good in my life and I'm so thankful I have my kids ... This would be a whole lot harder if I was alone.

[Gunny376]

You're a pillar of strength!

 

An inspiration to all!

 

BTW?

 

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

[Ladyjane14]

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

 

 

 

We visited his parents today (they've made it clear that they want to keep involved in the kids lives, and mine) and I told them that he is having an affair - he finally admitted to it. My FIL (does that title still fit?) said that H wouldn't think it was an A since it's an EA, but that's crazy since it still wrecks marriages, and can be worse than a physical A. I said I agree, but I doubt that there's been no physical contact.

 

Honey, it doesn't even make sense that this is just an EA. Guys don't tend to walk out on their wife and kids unless there's a full-fledged, four-alarm fire going on in their pants. Unless the pre-affair problems in the marriage are HUGE... a simple EA isn't enough impetus. It's just not.

 

There's NO WAY he's going to chuck out his whole family, face the condemnation of friends and extended family, and deal with the financial fallout of his decision... without having tested these waters. He's got twenty times the testosterone you do. His sexuality is MALE, not female. The connection between Emotional intimacy and Sexual Intimacy is different.

 

I honestly think he's selling you and his parents a load of bull. And you might wonder if that makes a difference if you're getting divorced anyway... but I think it adds clarity to the situation.... "clarity" for YOU. He's not leaving you because he's got a better emotional connection with someone else. He's leaving you for 'pussy'.

 

If you're not recognizing that, then you're more inclined to have sympathy for his situation, and less inclined to protect and insulate yourself and your family. You're more inclined to internalize his rejection as a statement on your personality, rather than see that he's just 'getting some strange' and willing to chuck out his whole family for it.

 

I'd rather see you "pissed off" than "pissed on", know what I mean? You need to see this guy and his actions CLEARLY.

 

We talked a little bit about his personality and what sort of woman would even want a man who'd leave his family in this way, and what does that say about H who would want a woman who'd want a man who'd leave his family... We're not talking about two moral and value-filled individuals here... I briefly explained some of what I've read about cheaters and their mindsets but FIL is 'buying' little of it. He's right PO'd at the choices H has made, and is unsure of how civil he'll be able to be when H comes here for the baby's birth.

 

The in-laws will get over it. They'll forgive him and take him back. It's okay for you to keep a good relationship with them though. Loving grandparents are of inestimable value to children. But I want you to remember to play your cards close to your chest. You can look at one of your own children's dear little faces and KNOW that they'll take him back, no matter how ROTTEN he's behaved. There's no shelf-life on the emotions you feel when you look at your child. It doesn't matter if he's 4 or if he's 40.

 

There will come a time when your in-laws disappoint you. When that time comes... just remember that they are PARENTS just like you are.

 

I think it may take less than 5 years to see this pothole... I have so much good in my life and I'm so thankful I have my kids ... This would be a whole lot harder if I was alone.

 

As usual, I'm impressed by your good attitude. :bunny:

I know you'll do well. Keep your focus on your 5-year plan. Write it down like a checklist.

[overwhelmedmomof2]

Happy Mother's Day!

 

Mamma, I've been following your thread, but this is the first time I post. I'm going through a lot right now and your posts have really inspired me. Your children are blessed to have such a wonderful mother.

 

I wish you all the best. Stay strong!

[2sunny]

His Father's reaction makes me think he cheats too.

 

Come on! Trying to discount his son's immorality? He's guilty as well.... and trying to make it all okay.

 

You are so strong - and I am so proud of you.

 

Happy Mother's Day!

 

I don't know anyone who deserves a great day more than you! hugs!

[hurting_in_nw]

Happy Mother's Day mamma! Hope you went and had a big ol' breakfast this morning and are enjoying your day:)

[Gunny376]

LOL!

 

"Mama On!" Get out there and get some!

[mammax3]

Thank You for the Mothers Day wishes! I *did* have a terrific breakfast, and the kids wished me a happy mothers day ( with my prompting!) and although I did think about H, I was very okay and enjoyed a great morning.

 

LJ: "Honey, it doesn't even make sense that this is just an EA. Guys don't tend to walk out on their wife and kids unless there's a full-fledged, four-alarm fire going on in their pants...He's not leaving you because he's got a better emotional connection with someone else. He's leaving you for 'pussy'. "

 

You sound like my sister. She's been saying since Day 1 that it's another woman, even when I didn't think so, and she reminds me of the facts I had before he admitted the EA so I can stay pissed off, instead of pissed on. Like everyone else who's been cheated on, it's really hard for me to imagine that he could do all this to me, the kids and all he knew. But what you're saying always makes so much sense, especially given what I knew of him from before (which I realize matters little now).

 

And the pre-affair problems in the marriage were not huge. He has yet, actually, to define them at all. Just vague statements of dissatisfaction. It was the 'normal' stressors of young children and the responsibilities of a house (which he often let fall) and the problems of only seeing each other 3/14 days for nearly a year. Maybe I'm naive, but I really see this as his (bad) solution to a common problem in marriages... We hit a rough spot and he bailed. Period.

 

"There will come a time when your in-laws disappoint you"

 

I have to remind myself of that. Since I can see it already in my own small kids faces ...

 

"Mama On!" Get out there and get some!"

 

I hope you're referring to some Ice Cream or a spa day or something Gunny, not too many will give any to a pregnant mother of 2 mere weeks before her due date!! :lmao: Well... actually, maybe some guys will!