insomnie Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 We broke up May 2006 - he wasn't happy. Got back togehter two weeks alter, his initiative. Broke up again November 2006, again the reason being that he felt unhappy that he was losing some freedoms (such as to ignore me when he feels like it.) We got back together again January 2007. This time it felt different - we never fought, our time spent togehter seemed mutually pleasurable and we were perfectly harmonious. Then a week ago - he starts the distancing crap again. Of course I freaked out. History had taught me where this usually goes (he pulled the same kind of crap in all the previous breakups (two above plus a couple of more minor ones in between)). After limited contact for a couple of days, I went over there yesterday. Asked him what was up. He said that he feels strongly that he needs to be the "provider" in a relationship, but doens't know when he can do that. He says I "darg him down" because, like any girl, I take up time and emotion, and that he just wants to be on his own. This is after 3 years of my loving him unconditionally, being pregnant with his child, having an abortion because of the way HE felt about that....etc. I was so loyal to this guy, I loved him so much. It's so painful to have someone reject the most precious thing you can give (your heart) just because they don't feel ready. I know everyone will say to move on, he isn't worth my time, etc. And I agree. But it's so hard... I want him back. I want him to be sure that this is what he wants, I want him to change his behaivior to where he takes my feelings into consideration...and then I want him to come back to me. I was wondering if that is likely to happen. I think he loves me, I think he thinks I am the right person for him. The issue is just that he isn't ready, because he wants total freedom to focus on his own **** right now. But if he loves me, will he miss me? And if he misses me, will he try to get me back? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 You're not just in love with this man, you're addicted to him. Treat the relationship as an addiction. Love should not be like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author insomnie Posted April 27, 2007 Author Share Posted April 27, 2007 It's funny that you say that, I've never viewed it in those terms but I think you might be right. I know what I am doing to myself is completely unhealthy. I know I can't even justify in my mind why I am putting myself through this, why I keep letting him repeat the pattern of getting back togehter, treating me like ****, dumping me. I know what to expect from him (nothing good) and yet I can't stop. How do I treat an addiction? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 Well it's not easy. I'm a recovering addict - I've been addicted to multiple substances, as well as to men. THe only thing I can say is that it takes a lot of self discipline and self-examination. You have to learn how to make decisions and be confident in those choices. And those decisions have to be based on what is best for YOU -- not anyone else. Rule number one is that you need to get away from whatever you are addicted to. That means ripping off the bandaid and going cold turkey no contact. Then you need to focus your energy on distracting yourself and engaging in self-esteem building activities that help you grow stronger in your resolve to become a healthier person. AS you grow stronger in your resolve, the cravings for whatever you are addicted to - be it person or thing - will become less intense and easier to manage. IMO when you are addicted to someone or something, you will always have a weakness that you need to guard against. That's just the way it is. It's not fair or just, but that's life. I hope this advice helps. You might want to read up on codependency as well. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 It's funny that you say that, I've never viewed it in those terms but I think you might be right. I know what I am doing to myself is completely unhealthy. I know I can't even justify in my mind why I am putting myself through this, why I keep letting him repeat the pattern of getting back togehter, treating me like ****, dumping me. I know what to expect from him (nothing good) and yet I can't stop. How do I treat an addiction? You start by learning to love and respect yourself. Sounds odd but it's true. You can easily break an addiction to someone when you realize the addiction destroys your self-respect. Link to post Share on other sites
me1234 Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 I'm going thru a sitatuation where I've been dumped and I'm hoping very strongly for her to come back. In my newfound free time, I've picked up a few books, one of which is "how to break your addiction to a person" by Halpern. In reading this, I'm very much starting to question my feelings for her and my underlying motives for wanting her back. Are my feelings genuine, or am I addicted? I'm still in the early stages of this process and still sorting it all out, but the book has opened my eyes a bit and may be of help to you in your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
NorCalDave Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 You start by learning to love and respect yourself. Sounds odd but it's true. You can easily break an addiction to someone when you realize the addiction destroys your self-respect. What he said. Link to post Share on other sites
pelagicsands Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 What he said. What he said he said. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts