Walk Away Wife in Progress

[sumdude]

How does your husband feel about the relationship? HAve the two of you ever been able to discuss what each of you feels may be amiss? Just curious.

[Walkaway]

Sumdude, he feels we have an average marriage and things are just fine. He doesn't understand why I'm unhappy but he never has tried very hard to understand my perspective. He does try to be a good spouse - but I'm so fed up and frustrated that lately even that doesn't help. Part of it is he doesn't think anyone is happily married, he thinks when you see a happy marriage it's probably all faked and you don't see the "dark side". He has a point, of course, everyone has their problems - but it's not normal for a married couple to spend a week not talking to each other after an argument as a way of "cooling off" as is the norm here. He saw his parents being very unhappy together and he takes that as what is normal. I grew up with parents who were very happy together so I don't accept that constant frustration and unhappiness in marriage is "normal".

[Darth Vader]

It amuses me to have someone consider me "hard to please" when I've been trying to make things work out for 2 decades!

 

but whatever.

 

No, I don't hate him - he's a good person, a decent father and an excellent worker. I give him credit for all kinds of positive qualities, he's just a lousy husband.

 

Am I trying to make him into a "girl"? Gosh, if only women express themselves or have feelings or show any emotion, then yes. If only women can talk through a problem rather than withdrawing beneath a sheet of ice and refusing to talk to their spouse for a week, I guess I am. But I must know a lot of girly-men because I don't think that being loving and caring are purely female characteristics. My Dad could express love and so can my brother. They both had/have excellent marriages. I don't think that's pure coincidence.

 

 

It's not coincidence, as you have stated before, his father hit him when he cried, your husband was abused as a child, those emotions run very deep. In essence, he has been rewired to not express certain emotions, nomally men are not as emotional as women, that is natural of course, but, your husband seems to have an extra restraint, his previous forced conditioning by his father. Remember, that's not his fault.

 

Your husband needs help, I suggest that you assist him in getting help, as it's obvious that he won't do it himself. I hope you've not been looking elsewhere, it you know what I mean, your husband doesn't deserve that, I'm not saying that you have, or were thinking about it, but, it may have crossed your mind. Get him some help.

[VirtualInsanity]

I'd have left him two years ago but we have kids - two darling, happy adorable girls 6 and 10. I can't stand to make their world crumble and yet - what am I doing, lying to them that Mommy and Daddy are happy when I'm really just waiting out until they're in college and I can be free of this awful albatross we call a marriage? I hate to be dishonest with them, I hate to set them up for future disillusionment and yet all the experts say it's better for kids whose parents are in low-conflict bad marriages to stick together.

 

You better think twice if U think your children R clueless about what's going on.

 

I said I'd go to counselling but he had to commit to it and set it up - and he never has. And yes, we've spoken about it since then - fixing our marriage just hasn't been on his to do list either.

 

How about U? U still in IC?

[azianpride143]

Simply giving up on the marriage and even contemplating finding another man is wrong. You have to sit him down and give him an ultimatum. I too was in the same boat. But rather than my wife telling me that she is unhappy she simply decided to have an affair.

 

If I can turn back the clock I would have rather have her end the marriage first before even violating our marriage vows.

 

If your marriage is worth saving and he knows you mean business he will turn it around. You really need him to go to counseling both together and on his own. This will help address a lot of the problems. If you give it some timeline like 6 months and if its still not working then you can call it quits. Don't expect just for him to try, it takes two to make the marriage work. 6 months is not much of a wait since you've already waited years. At least in the end, you won't have any regrets by giving it one more shot.

[mammax3]

Hi Walkaway

 

IMO, I think that your girls are probably aware of what's going on, and they're potentially creating a script of how men and women interact (or the lack thereof, in your case!) as a married couple. Although it seems little consequence now, I'd be concerned of what they're absorbing and will apply in their own adult lives. It's amazing how what happens in childhood can impact our adult selves without us being aware of it (perhaps like your H's sustained abuse, physical and emotional as a child).

 

Even though he's a decent man, and a good worker etc, there are other things to consider in a marriage. And if you're not being fulfilled (which you totally have a right to!) and he's not interested in changing it, then maybe you should consider your rights to leave.

 

Staying for the kids, I don't think, is the best choice always either.

 

Good luck.

[Gunny376]

I have been in this situation ~ except I wasn't the woman ~ I was the man. So my perspective was from the other side of the coin. And, although others may have inferred that all was required to remedy the situation was to tell her that she was pretty and bring her flowers ~ that certainly wasn't what I meant to imply.

 

And, I see him as WW has described him as being emotionally detached, and she takes this as a personal affront ~ almost. His emotional detachment isn't only familiar, its societal and cultural, and its based in thousands of year of societal and cultural conditioning.

 

When you get right down to it ~ men and women aren't fundamentally that different. In fact I would argue that fundamentally they're about 80% the same when you get right down to it. But, then you factor in thousands of years of social, cultural, family conditioning and the percentage of difference grows greater.

 

In "Why Men Don't Get Enough Sex, and Women Don't Get Enough Love" the authors point out that mankind emerged out of hunter-gather groups into an arginine society ~ for the most part a peaceful, almost Eden existence, where men and women were for the most part co-equals, and were much more emotionally connected.

 

The thing that changed? Warfare. Un-liked armies of today ~ armies of the past were compromised of brothers, sons, fathers, cousins, uncles, grandfathers. In the heat of battle upon witnessing one of your kinsmen slain, you couldn't afford to lose your head, and get all emotional. The outcome of the battle and the war depended upon each individual keeping their heads, and maintaining unit integrity. A good example of this is the movie "300" The success of the Greek Phalanx deepened upon each man depending upon each man to his left and right.

 

Ok? What does this have to do with your situation right? Over the thousands of years of history men have been mentally and emotionally conditioned to "talk like a man" ~ "walk like a man" ~ "act like a man" ~ "be a man"

 

I like most men have been through this family, social, and cultural conditioning. I went through it as early as grade school, all the way through high school, and all the way through the Marines, especially through Marine bootcamp. I was trained and conditioned to act and think reasonably, rationally, logically. To always be in control of my emotions etc.

 

That and the fact that I was raised by my Grandparents for the most part ~ gave me an idea of marriage based not only in the 50's but the 30's in which the man was the head of the household, and in so long as he didn't commit any of the "un-forgivable sins" (adultery, wife-beating, gambling, drinking to excess, etc) and was a good provider that he was a good man, a good husband, and there wasn't any grounds for divorce. And any woman that divorce such a man ~ was either crazy or just sorry.

 

Enter "Mr. Reality with a big azz Louisville Slugger of a bat!

The marriage of 2007 isn't the same as the marriage of 1907? Women have rights now, what is more is they have "case precedence" and legislation. In short women of 2007 have choices and options they didn't have 100 years ago. In short? Women of 2007 don't have to suffer from "T-PMS" ~ "Tired of Putting Up With Men's S**T!" (PMS is bad enough right?) And men have the same options.

 

And, no getting all romantic and etc now? Isn't going to un-do the hurt of the last ten years. The best way to avoid a divorce is to be pro-active ~ not re-active. But where was any of this taught? In high school, in college, in the military? Where are any of us ~ men or women taught how to be successful in marriage?

 

I'm not saying for you to stay with the guy ~ I'm not. But, I will tell you this that I know for sure and certain. I'm one of a handful of men that's gone out and sought the answers to the questions, and solutions to the problems. That's gone to the bookstore and the library and read the books ~ and still reading ~ still learning. Hell I've learned more from Lady Jane in the last year than all the other sixteen years put together.

 

I'm a good man! I was a good husband! I was a good father. Sitting her seventeen years the other side of it, could I have been a better father, husband? Damned right.

 

Had I known 30 years ago what I know now? I could have been a lot of things! There's a lot of things I could have done better. Trouble is? When you get married? When you have children? They don't give you an instruction manual. Becoming a husband or wife? Becoming a parent? Doesn't come with an instruction manual.

 

Its all OJT ~ all the way!

 

BTW its not any one book, etc. Its a life long journey of discovery!