Dating Divorcing Man

[redant]

ok I am dating this guy who is not completely divorced. I know all the warnings I'm putting myself at risk and seem to have a pattern of helping those in need. I understand he could be needing me for the time being, but I am enjoying his company and am probably going to continue dating him. Does anyone think long term is possible? He has definitely not resolved his anger or is not over everything. We basically just have fun together fight sometimes over the drama. Any advice is aprreciated thank u

[hurting_in_nw]

Well, I'm kinda in the same boat as him right now...still dealing with a lot of anger. I think if I was to meet someone today, I wouldn't want to commit out of fairness to that other person. If I am going to have another successful LTR it will be after I've worked through everything and can get back to being the person I was before this all happened to me.

 

If there is still anger for him, he's not over it. I would put the brakes on a bit if I were you. There's nothing wrong with having some fun, but you don't deserve to go all in emotionally with someone who isn't ready to do the same.

[outofdarkness]

ok I am dating this guy who is not completely divorced. I know all the warnings I'm putting myself at risk and seem to have a pattern of helping those in need. I understand he could be needing me for the time being, but I am enjoying his company and am probably going to continue dating him. Does anyone think long term is possible? He has definitely not resolved his anger or is not over everything. We basically just have fun together fight sometimes over the drama. Any advice is aprreciated thank u

what exactly does not completely divorced mean? papers have been filed, signed and waiting for judge to sign them? Just left home and told YOU that he is filing for D? There's a huge difference. Do you have any evidence to show that he is being honest w/ you?

[azianpride143]

I agreee with what was said. Emotional involvement right now may not be good. He still has a lot of issues he has to deal with and sometimes this is better off being done alone on his own.

 

If you really like him, take your time. But be cautious since you can get hurt if you get way too involved.

 

Well, I'm kinda in the same boat as him right now...still dealing with a lot of anger. I think if I was to meet someone today, I wouldn't want to commit out of fairness to that other person. If I am going to have another successful LTR it will be after I've worked through everything and can get back to being the person I was before this all happened to me.

 

If there is still anger for him, he's not over it. I would put the brakes on a bit if I were you. There's nothing wrong with having some fun, but you don't deserve to go all in emotionally with someone who isn't ready to do the same.

[Gunny376]

Option No. # 1 Go stand in the middle of a train track and wait for the 9 o'clock!

 

Option No. # 2 Go into an L.A. bar frequented by the Hell's Angles and yell "Hell's Angles Suck!"

 

It will "hurt" a lot less!

 

Don't get emotionally involved with anyone who's not been divorced at least one year ~ preferably two!

 

Take a "Fool's Advice!

[Guest]

I am dating a not-yet-divorced man as well. He has been seperated from his wife for three years and already had a girlfriend before me, who lasted with him about a year.

 

He is a wonderful man, but I am taking things cautiously because I agree, a person needs time to process the events that happened during their marriage that led to the divorce.

 

I have several men friends who are now on their second wives; each one of them took between 4-5 years to really come to terms with the ending of their first marriage and, in between, dated a lot of people or became 'serial monogamists'

One of my guy friends actually lived with a woman for three years before going through a painful breakup with her; reason being, he just wasn't ready to be more 'committed' to her yet.

 

I don't want that to happen to me. It's difficult in my age bracket, the only available men are usually divorced and many are just recently so.

 

If you enjoy his company, go ahead and continue dating him. If you think you are falling in love with him, or if your gut is telling you that something is wrong, heed its warning.

Give him a lot of space and time to sort things through.

 

Keep up with your other interests in life and don't focus your entire world around him and his needs -- go out with your friends, enjoy hobbies and don't spend all your free time with just him.

[azianpride143]

Gunny as always you have a way with words. You are my idol. ;) ;)

 

Option No. # 1 Go stand in the middle of a train track and wait for the 9 o'clock!

 

Option No. # 2 Go into an L.A. bar frequented by the Hell's Angles and yell "Hell's Angles Suck!"

 

It will "hurt" a lot less!

 

Don't get emotionally involved with anyone who's not been divorced at least one year ~ preferably two!

 

Take a "Fool's Advice!

[redant]

Thanks for the advice. It's hard to know. I haven't fallen completely in love. I do kno of cicumstances that HAVE worked, but I assume they are few and far between. Guess I will find out soon enough. I already kinda knew what everyone would say! tHANKS!

[CryingCanuck]

Well Gunny, you never fail to amaze me with your logic.

I do have a similar problem righ tnow and those that have followed my thread know exactly where I am in my life.

 

I have dated a few people but never felt "right" with any of them until this last person that I'm presently seeing. Am I falling in love? Am I using her to help me deal with my divorce situation? I honestly doubt it, but maybe I am I didn;t think so until I started reading this thread.

 

I have some ways to go regarding my previousl life but the anger has gone, yes there are times where my STBXW pissed me the hell off but it has nothing to do with our separation, I sinply DO NOT LIKE HER and if you ever read my threat I think youmight understand exactly why.

 

I've been warned off dating even, but again, being alone really doesn't appeal to me anymore. I was convinced when the marriage died that I wanted to be on my own permanently but I have slowly been changing my feelings regarding that. I'm not looking far ahead just taking it day by day or week by week but no looking any further into the future. My "friend" knows where I am emotionally and we both ensure that we give each other our space not to OVERDO it...

 

Opinions???

 

C.C.

[amerikajin]

Well, at least make sure they've filed separation papers and are actually living alone.

 

Speaking from personal experience, Gunny's pretty much spot on here. I think it can work, but it's just not likely to. The reason being that it takes people time to process what has happened to them, why the marriage didn't work and what they can do to improve their own situation the next time around. People who are recently divorced may be well-intentioned, but they just haven't had time to reflect on their past, and until they do that, they are likely to take those same issues that were affecting them in their previous relationship into your relationship. That's one thing that I found out firsthand.

 

Not saying that it was all her fault - far from it - but I just found that some of the complaints that she had about her ex she eventually had about me, too; and some of the complaints that her ex made about her, I also had about her. Which is not to say she didnt' have valid concerns about me as well, but I think it really made me question her objectivity about things.

[redant]

Basically I have to watch my back. I know that there are plenty of fish in the sea. There is a huge risk and I know this. I've been hurt before I may get hurt again!

[Guest]

Speaking from the other side (I'm married but only in name, we still live together in one home but separate lives) -- date your bf but keep it not too serious if you can. He's got a lot of emotions and residual feelings for his ex-wife to be, and it will take some time to get over all that. That doesn't mean he doesn't care for you -- but his emotional gyroscope isn't balanced yet.

 

Give him some time, be there for him, and hopefully he's get cleared up inside and want to be with you 100%

 

All the best, and I hope to meet someone as understanding as you in my near future.

 

Father of 3

[SANDYEGGO]

I'm about to divorce my husband who I started dating when he was divorcing his first wife. Needless to say, in my situation, he did not get over what his first wife did to him and even though we were together for 3 times as long and had a child together, he never stopped suspecting that I was cheating, was always trying to hurt me whenever possible. He was extremely controlling, scared away most of my friends, made me feel like a cheap whore when we had sex, and didn't care enough to buy me a gift for special days, mainly because he doesn't know me well enough to pick something out that I might like.

 

I would say, move on. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. If in a couple of years, you are both available, then see if it could work out.

 

You will just get hurt. I'm evidence of that. I'm no longer the same person that I was before I got involved with him. I don't know if I will ever be. (I guess I just need a little time).

 

Good luck whatever you decide to do!

[SANDYEGGO]

I'm about to divorce my husband who I started dating when he was divorcing his first wife. Needless to say, in my situation, he did not get over what his first wife did to him and even though we were together for 3 times as long and had a child together, he never stopped suspecting that I was cheating, was always trying to hurt me whenever possible. He was extremely controlling, scared away most of my friends, made me feel like a cheap whore when we had sex, and didn't care enough to buy me a gift for special days, mainly because he doesn't know me well enough to pick something out that I might like.

 

I would say, move on. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. If in a couple of years, you are both available, then see if it could work out.

 

You will just get hurt. I'm evidence of that. I'm no longer the same person that I was before I got involved with him. I don't know if I will ever be. (I guess I just need a little time).

 

Good luck whatever you decide to do!

[Trialbyfire]

Please, heed the warnings. Until a divorced man or divorcée has had time to get themselves together, they are rarely ready for anything serious. Once in awhile, you may find one who is though but be careful of fully investing. I agree that you should heed your gut instincts.

 

I'm separated, awaiting the rubber stamp. I know I'm no where ready for anything serious yet but...I do know there's no chance of reconciliation, at least on my part.

 

Good luck to you and be very careful.

[Island Girl]

Please, heed the warnings. Until a divorced man or divorcée has had time to get themselves together, they are rarely ready for anything serious. Once in awhile, you may find one who is though but be careful of fully investing. I agree that you should heed your gut instincts.

 

I guess I'm the only one that can chime in with a success story.

 

My husband was only in the initial process of getting a divorce when we met.

 

Almost seven years later we are still very much together and just got married last year.

 

But I will admit he is a rare case -- and a rare man. There really aren't many like him.

 

I agree with everyone else to go with your instincts and if you remain in a relationship with him -- go really, really, really, slowly with it. Do not marry him within the next couple of years and, if there are children involved, look long and hard at the dynamic between this guy and his ex. If he does have any children with her she WILL be a part of your relationship as well.

 

In my case there were no children so it was a clean break.

[Krytellan]

Damn, I had a beautiful and eloquent response and the computer froze. I don't have the heart to repeat the previous verbosity, so I will summarize.

 

I am a divorcing man and my wife did some pretty effective emotional and psychological damage to me in our marriage. I left her and moved across the country. After 7 months of separation, and 1 month after the papers had been filed, I met a wonderful girl who I am still dating. She has/had her concerns, and I would want her to for her sake. I love this woman and see great things for us.

 

I feel I am in this relationship for the right reasons and am ready to move forward with my life and utterly refuse to let my failed marriage hold me back longer than it has to. I don't think that you can really view divorcing people as any different than dating people. We've all been hurt, all had break-ups, all have hang ups, and all carry past experience with us. Some people are prepared to move on with their life and some not. I dont think it has anything to do with whether a divorce is final or not.

 

With that said, there are certainly situations to avoid. Namely long drawn out separations (2 years) with no divorce imminent and situations where they are still living in the same house. Both are baaaaad situation to get involved in.

 

Don't discredit someone because they are "married". That doesn't make us unable to have healthy relationships, it just means we failed to find it the first time. How many people do you know that have made poor relationship choices?

[quiet1one1]

I'm with Krytellan on this. All situations are different. Be cautious and look for the signs - you probably won't have to look hard as they'll smack you on the side of the head. Your responses seem right on, take it slow ... but take it.

 

You have a good question and have come to a good place to have it answered but maybe you're making too much out of it? You two have fun together. That's a good thing - people need each other. Start to communicate with each other NOW. Discuss with HIM how you feel (and he with you) and go from there.

 

Good luck.

[polywog]

You've gotten great advice here. Now heed my warning. I was involved in a 9yr LTR, which he ended in January. This entire time, though we lived like a married couple, he never divorced his wife who lives in another state, and who he has seen once since we met, in the very beginning of our relationship. Red flag!! That I ignored! Divorce papers were filled out, twice, during our relationship, but he never filed, and she never put any effort toward a divorce. Their marriage was awful, BTW. She cheated on him several times (he has never admitted to it, but his friends and family told me). She had severe addiction problems and bulemia, probably still does.

 

When we got involved, he warned me that his wife was going to visit him and that he was considering seeing if it would work. It didn't, we got together. But he was still her husband.

 

My ex got involved with another woman immediately after our break up, and is still with her. Now I heard two days ago from his brother that his wife wants to move in with him and wants to find a job here, and will "move out" when she finds a place. It sounds like he's doing to the new gf what he did with me, and did with his relationship previous to me (he met with his ex during another LTR which he eventually ended).

 

What an eye opener. He's not doing what your divorcing man is doing, but my point is that until someone is divorced, and has dealt with all it brings up, they really are not moving forward and really aren't available.