she keeps pushing me away...

[panzer6]

I have been seeing my ex lately and things have been really good between us. I spent some time with her and her 2 boys last weekend. We had a really good time and it was good to see them all. I still love them very much and I can tell they miss me as well. When I look into my exes eyes I can see that she still has feelings for me. There is just some kind of deep connection that we share that doesn't seem to go away. It doesn't matter how much time goes by we always have this feeling between us. I thought i knew what love was but I guess I didn't until I met her. When i'm away from her I feel like a part of me is missing and when I am with her I feel very complete. It hasn't been an easy relationship, she has issues from her past that still rear their ugly heads from time to time. I also have issues from my past that don't help. Through it all, the breakups, the makeups, all the ups and downs we have experieced we still seem to find each other. I think she is kind of frightened by me, or at least the things I make her feel. A couple of days ago I ws supposed go over to her place but all of a sudden she wouldn't talk to me. I know she is pushing me away again and I just wish she would talk to me. I don't want to give up on her or the boys but I can't take much more of this. It has been very hard on me, I miss them all the time. All I know for sure is what I feel when i'm with them. It just feels right. What do you guys think I should do?

[CaliGuy]

When she pulls away, you pull away.

When she pulls close, you pull close.

 

Mirror her actions. Show her you are indepedent and don't need her. Show her that you love and respect yourself as well.

 

After all, if you don't love and respect yourself, how can you possibly understand how to love and respect her?

[krzr]

why does it have to be games....

 

its so easy in the beginning when its just falling for someone and both are totally into each other like there is nothing else that matters. but cali is right dont let her dictate the relationship its gotta be 50/50 once it gets onesided is when things go bad.

[panzer6]

Yeah, I know Caliguy, that is basically what I have been doing. I don't like playing games with people, I prefer to be honest and tell them exactly how I feel. She is obviously torn over me. I haven't tried to call her in any way. Maybe she will come round and contact me. Maybe she expects me to fight for her and this is just her way of seeing if she really means that much to me. It's hard to know what to do exactly. She is the type of person who melts when someone goes out of their way for her. I just want to be with her and the boys, I have never wanted something so bad in my life as I do this.

[Trialbyfire]

Have you asked her why she continues pushing you away? Has she expressed her boundaries and told you what she wants from you?

[panzer6]

She always does this, gets close and then withdraws. She told me that she has never felt this way about anyone before. I think it scares her to feel so drawn to me. I can see it in her eyes that she just wants to fall into my arms but she thinks because we tried in the past and it didn't work, that maybe she should just stay away from me. She tries to do this but she is unable to stay away, she can't cut the cord so to speak because of the way I make her feel. I have told her what I want. I want the whole nine yards, so to speak. I just get frustrated with her because I want her to follow her heart. She said that I was "the one" and that she was very happy to have finally found me. I feel the same about her.

[Trialbyfire]

Regardless of repetitive patterns, have you ever asked her why?

[panzer6]

I know, from her past relationships she does seem somewhat of a commitment phobe. She lost her dad at a very young age, and I think she was very deeply affected by it. She has gone through therapy and she told me she has abandonment issues. Obviously she is far from perfect but I only know what I feel and what we feel when we are together. She is afraid to let me in because she will always be faced with the possibility of losing me. I told her that I would never abandon her and the boys, that I would always be there to keep them safe. I just wish I could make her understand how much she and the boys mean to me. I don't want to change her in any way but I wish she would just trust me more than she does.

[Trialbyfire]

panzer6, this is important. If she can honestly provide you with some answers as to why she keeps pushing you away, you may be able to do something about it. Address the issues you can, such as things about you that are simple changes. For issues that are baggage related for both of you, the first step is admitting that you (generic you) have a problem.

 

I tend to look at things proactively. Assumptions can kill.

[panzer6]

I know what you say is right. I guess it's hard for us to talk about our relationship because we both have issues that are standing in the way of it. She loves me, I have no doubt about that. I love her, but we need to understand how we are sabotaging the relationship. We are both guilty of it and, I feel emotionally exhausted by it all. But, nothing worth having is ever easy. The greatest rewards come from the greatest of efforts and I just can't give up on her. I will try to talk to her and get her to open up about us.

[Trialbyfire]

I know what you say is right. I guess it's hard for us to talk about our relationship because we both have issues that are standing in the way of it. She loves me, I have no doubt about that. I love her, but we need to understand how we are sabotaging the relationship. We are both guilty of it and, I feel emotionally exhausted by it all. But, nothing worth having is ever easy. The greatest rewards come from the greatest of efforts and I just can't give up on her. I will try to talk to her and get her to open up about us.

Awesome. You can't fight the unknown. It's like shooting blindly in the dark while a snipers got you in range with an infra-red scope.

[panzer6]

I know what you mean. I sometimes think it's just too hard to deal with, it may be easier just to tell her to stop contacting me and let me move on. She has told me to get lost in the past but after a few months she calls me to see how I am doing and we end up hanging out and then all the old feelings come back. I guess she wouldn't persue me if she didn't really care about me. But it always seems to go the same way, things are good for a while and then she just withdraws from me and I end up chasing her which makes her run even faster. I wish we could be together and work on things with each other but she makes it so hard for me. I don't sleep very well and I have actually lost weight because of this. How much is enough? How much more of this should I take cuz I think I am at the end of my rope. Why does she want to hang onto me if she doesn't want to be with me?

[Trialbyfire]

You have three choices:

 

- Go NC and move on.

 

- Get to the bottom of the issue and make a decision if you want to address it.

 

- Continue unhealthy cycling.

 

Pick one and go with it. You've already said you don't want to continue with #3.

[panzer6]

Yes, I realise that, but why does she want to hang onto me if she doesn't want to be with me? Is she nuts? Is she in denial? What does she want from me?

[Trialbyfire]

You're cycling again. Ask her why she's pushing you away. From all that you've said, it still sounds like she cares for you. To what extent, only she can tell you.

 

Ask, ask, ask or if that's too much effort, walk away.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh here. I'm trying to unmuddy your waters.

[panzer6]

Ok, I called my ex today but she pushed me to her voicemail, didn't answer my call or call me back. I guess she doesn't want to talk to me, I just don't know what the reason is. I can't understand why she is doing this. We saw each other last weekend and everything was great, played with her kids and she said they had alot of fun. She showed up at my work on Tuesday and I could tell she was acting a little strange. She came by to ask me about a website I told her about, but she could have just called or texted me. She seemed to want to see me, she seems to miss me alot. Wednesday night she called me but I missed the call cuz I was at a friends house watching the hockey game and my phone was in the car. I called her back when I saw the missed call but she didn't answer. I called again today and left a voicemail message but she still wont talk to me. I don't understand this woman. One minute she loves me and the next she hates me. This is so emotionally draining, I can't handle it anymore. I feel like my insides have been removed and I can't seem to sleep properly. I hate feeling like this. I am so tired of it all. Sher told me she isn't seeing anyone special but if she is then why wont she tell me and then I will just back off. I don't want a relationship with her, she has too many emotional issues that she needs to address but she doesn't think anything is wrong with her. She told me once that some people have accused her of being crazy. I'm beginning to see that that may be the case. I have deleted her number from my phone and I wont hold my breath waiting for her to call. I don't hate her, I just don't understand her. I'm hoping that she just leaves me alone and wont call me anymore. I need to heal and get back to a normal state of being. If she is seeing someone I have to admit I feel sorry for him, he doesn't know what is in store for him. She has done this to every guy she has been with in the past. In a way I feel relieved about this. I think I will be much better off without her in my life. She has lots of issues and they always come out when she is in a relationship. Anyway, I just want ot get back to the man I used to be.

[2ndIINone]

There is a time and a place to 'talk' in a relationship.

What to eat for dinner?

Who's takin' the kids to school on a particular day?

Who's on top tonight?

 

But when ya try to 'convince' someone that you love them and you want them to stick around.... you will ALWAYS push em' away. Unless interest levels are equal, there is no point in trying to get answers during this stage of the relationship.

[panzer6]

I'm not trying to convince her she loves me. I just wish she would talk to me and tell me why she is suddenly not talking to me. It seems a little odd for her to come back and be all nice and then all of a sudden turn cold as ice. I think that maybe she caught herself having feelings for me and thought that it would just be the same thing all over again. Now she's doing her best to forget me.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm sorry to hear about this. Who knows what's running through her mind and at this point, I'm guessing you feel you don't care to know. At least you made that one last mature attempt to discuss the issue with her so you can't kick yourself later and say, "why didn't I try one more time".

 

Sounds like it's "you" time. Time to hoard all resources towards getting stronger and moving on.

[CaliGuy]

Ok, I called my ex today but she pushed me to her voicemail, didn't answer my call or call me back. I guess she doesn't want to talk to me, I just don't know what the reason is. I can't understand why she is doing this. We saw each other last weekend and everything was great, played with her kids and she said they had alot of fun. She showed up at my work on Tuesday and I could tell she was acting a little strange. She came by to ask me about a website I told her about, but she could have just called or texted me. She seemed to want to see me, she seems to miss me alot. Wednesday night she called me but I missed the call cuz I was at a friends house watching the hockey game and my phone was in the car. I called her back when I saw the missed call but she didn't answer. I called again today and left a voicemail message but she still wont talk to me. I don't understand this woman. One minute she loves me and the next she hates me. This is so emotionally draining, I can't handle it anymore. I feel like my insides have been removed and I can't seem to sleep properly. I hate feeling like this. I am so tired of it all. Sher told me she isn't seeing anyone special but if she is then why wont she tell me and then I will just back off. I don't want a relationship with her, she has too many emotional issues that she needs to address but she doesn't think anything is wrong with her. She told me once that some people have accused her of being crazy. I'm beginning to see that that may be the case. I have deleted her number from my phone and I wont hold my breath waiting for her to call. I don't hate her, I just don't understand her. I'm hoping that she just leaves me alone and wont call me anymore. I need to heal and get back to a normal state of being. If she is seeing someone I have to admit I feel sorry for him, he doesn't know what is in store for him. She has done this to every guy she has been with in the past. In a way I feel relieved about this. I think I will be much better off without her in my life. She has lots of issues and they always come out when she is in a relationship. Anyway, I just want ot get back to the man I used to be.

 

 

Remember what I said earlier?

 

When she pulls away, you pull away.

 

She wants space right now for whatever reason. If you insist on contacting her that will drive her away.

 

Show her you are independent and don't pressure her to make contact.

[panzer6]

Caliguy. it's so hard to deal with this crap, I just wish she would talk to me and let me know why she is doing this. I don't get it, everything was fine, we were getting along great and then bam ! she does this silent treatment thing. I guess if she wanted me gone she would have said something to that effect. In the past she has told me to get lost and I have done just that. But she always comes back, why does she come back? I think something bad must have happened to her and she was looking for me last Wednesday night but I missed her call. Now she probably thinks that I was ignoring her or I just don't care. She couldn't be more wrong? I honestly love this woman with all my heart but she makes things impossible for me. I will take your advice and back off for now.

[NorCalDave]

Caliguy. it's so hard to deal with this crap, I just wish she would talk to me and let me know why she is doing this. I don't get it, everything was fine, we were getting along great and then bam ! she does this silent treatment thing. I guess if she wanted me gone she would have said something to that effect. In the past she has told me to get lost and I have done just that. But she always comes back, why does she come back? I think something bad must have happened to her and she was looking for me last Wednesday night but I missed her call. Now she probably thinks that I was ignoring her or I just don't care. She couldn't be more wrong? I honestly love this woman with all my heart but she makes things impossible for me. I will take your advice and back off for now.

 

 

Panzer I am basically going through the same thing with my ex. One day she is calling me incessantly, wanting to catch up and go do things together, and the next day she's acting indifferent/strange/distant/aloof towards me.

One day she comes up to me with a big smile, super flirty, and the next day she's avoiding me.

When I pull away and go NC, she ropes me back in and we are both happy to see each other again.

Then when I push for more she completely pulls away.

Then last week she says she's entertaining the idea of going back to her ex, who she's already broken up with a bunch, but the difference between him and I is he has more $$, he has a longer history with her (live-in boyfriend for 9 years) and he is closer to her age. But he also hits her and controls her and manipulates her, things I don't do.

But it is really hard on me. I saw her yesterday at church and the gym and we both acted like strangers. I hate it.

What seems so real and good can just be tossed aside like it's nothing.

She has been accused of being crazy too, but she also has qualities that I love and I can't seem to stop thinking about her.

I know how you feel.

[panzer6]

Yeah, it sounds like you are going through the same thing. It really comes down to being damned if you do and damned if you don't. It's a pretty lousy situation to be in. I'm sorry you have to endure the same thing i am going through. I really don't know what to do anymore about this. I feel like crap all the time. It hurts to love someone that seems incapable of loving me back. All I want is for us to sit down and talk this thing out but she wont even do that. I don't know why she is doing this, whether it's my fault or not. I always tried to communicate with her but when she gets in this kind of mood she is so stubborn and she wont listen to anybody. she is her own worst enemy and it breaks my heart to see her like this. What do I do? Do I call or text her? Do I leave her alone? she always seems to come back to me so she must still feel something for me, I just don't know what that is. I am at the end of my rope, I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams and I think this will be the end of it forever. She has to realise that I have feelings and that I can't be treated like this indefinitely.

[NorCalDave]

Yeah, it sounds like you are going through the same thing. It really comes down to being damned if you do and damned if you don't. It's a pretty lousy situation to be in. I'm sorry you have to endure the same thing i am going through. I really don't know what to do anymore about this. I feel like crap all the time. It hurts to love someone that seems incapable of loving me back. All I want is for us to sit down and talk this thing out but she wont even do that. I don't know why she is doing this, whether it's my fault or not. I always tried to communicate with her but when she gets in this kind of mood she is so stubborn and she wont listen to anybody. she is her own worst enemy and it breaks my heart to see her like this. What do I do? Do I call or text her? Do I leave her alone? she always seems to come back to me so she must still feel something for me, I just don't know what that is. I am at the end of my rope, I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams and I think this will be the end of it forever. She has to realise that I have feelings and that I can't be treated like this indefinitely.

 

 

Dude whatever boat we are in, we're right there next to each other. Our ex's are in different boats, and who knows whether our boats will meet up anytime soon.

We have very similar sounding, dysfunctional ex's. My ex has been through alot, she's 48, hot as hell, but inside never seems to be happy. She keeps going back to her ex, then pushing him away, then staying in contact with him as sort of a safety device. He has no self-esteem and keeps coming back for more, and now, she is either already back with him, or thinking about it. The last time I spoke to her she told me "Nothing's for sure" (about them getting back together), whatever that means.

So, obviously she is confused.

I never thought she would come back to me last September, but after 7-8 months of NC, we met up and she wanted to get back together. I was riding high for a few months until she started acting weird and unpredictable again.

She distanced herself slowly and surely from me, meanwhile I did nothing but treat her great. I didn't even look at other women, I did everything in my power to love her, but it wasn't enough.

She dumped me again, and here we are 3 months later and it feels like she dumped me for the 4th or 5th time. I know it's my fault for going back, and there's no one to blame.

I just really want it to work. I have never cared about someone so much and I don't know how to let go.

I let go for most of last year and moved on, but here I am a year later still trying to figure her out.

Back on Easter she called me 3 times, left 2 messages, then another the next day, and 3 weeks later it's like we're strangers. She saw me yesterday at church and the gym and ignored me.

I want to hate her and I want to distance myself, but something always happens and we end up enjoying each other again.

It's a cycle that I want to end, but I am clueless on how to go about dealing with her. I know she still loves me, I can see it in her eyes, but she just doesn't treat me like I deserve.

[panzer6]

Hey NorCal, I know what you are going through. My ex dumped me 3 or 4 times too and she still comes back. Now she's acting like everything is ok between us. I asked her if something was wrong and she says that everything is alright. I have a feeling that she is falling for me again but she is resisting it. I know she still cares about me and I guess it's hard for her. She is obviously torn over me. She wants and misses me but she is scared that it will just go the same way like before. It sounds like your ex is doing the same thing to you. If she is involved with some other guy you might just want to back off for a while. Give her a chance to miss you for a while. Women are funny that way, they tell you to get lost and when you do exactly that all of a sudden they start missing you and eventually come looking for you. My ex has done this every time we break up. I just want to be with her and love her the best way I can. She will probably dump me again but she always comes back for more. When she came by my work last week I could see it in her eyes that she was missing me and I knew she wanted to be with me. It's a pretty frustrating situation to be in but I am going to be patient with her. If I push too hard she will bolt and I will be back to square one. I don't call her, I let her come to me cuz I know thats the only way I will get her back, even if just for a little while. You need to do the same with your ex, let her miss you and she will come looking for you. People are funny, they always want what they can't have. Hope things get better for you, hope you get her back, it sounds like you really love her. I really love my ex too, I just want to hold her in my arms. Whether it's right or wrong it's what I want. I can't help what I feel in my heart. If it doesn't work out then I will cut the cord for good and I wont answer her calls anymore.