Prenup?

[Guest]

Question: If you and your spouse-to-be sat down and talked about what would happen in the event of a dissolution -- who gets what, what belongs in the "your", "mine", and "ours" pile -- would you still want a prenup? (Assume no kids, both people have significant assets)

 

In other words, if you trusted your spouse-to-be in that he/she would follow what you talked about beforehand, would you still want a prenup?

[norajane]

Depends on how complicated the assets are. If each of you have a lot of assets, then it might make sense to spell it out in a pre-nup so there's no disagreement in the event of a divorce. Often, during divorce, emotions run rampant so verbal agreements may be forgotten or ignored - getting it on paper makes everything very clear for both parties.

[Trialbyfire]

There are a number of reasons for a prenup. If discussed at the right time, in the right manner, prenups can help to weed out gold diggers before you take that final step. If someone baulks too much with signing a prenup when it's introduced in a reasonable and sensitive fashion, you have to wonder if they're after more than just a committed relationship.

 

As for verbal agreements, nj explains it well. When emotions are raw, there's no such thing as rational or committed.

[Tony T]

Question: If you and your spouse-to-be sat down and talked about what would happen in the event of a dissolution -- who gets what, what belongs in the "your", "mine", and "ours" pile -- would you still want a prenup? (Assume no kids, both people have significant assets)

 

In other words, if you trusted your spouse-to-be in that he/she would follow what you talked about beforehand, would you still want a prenup?

 

Trust has nothing to do with it. We trust in God but He can wipe out your city with one giant hurricane or tornado. If God can do that, surely a spouse can take you to the cleaners. People change their minds all the time.

 

Think of yourself as a TV program. This year, you're on top...in a few years your ratings fall...and you get canceled. Happens all the time and it doesn't involve trust. When the feelings are no longer there, people have no problem going for the goodies...regardless of what they may have said in the beginning. Ask the Donald....how many wives has he loved and later FIRED?

 

Come on...get with it!!!

[Woggle]

A preunup is like divorce insurance that you hope you never need but you are glad it is there. I would not have gotten married without one.

[Art_Critic]

People change their minds all the time.

I agree

In fact throw in the raw throbbing emotions that happens as a couple is divorcing and you have the recipe for a changed mind.

 

I never thought my ex was petty , She didn't want the divorce so she made my life miserable by fighting over stupid stuff..

 

I had to spend 1k fighting over a quilt that was given to me by my grandmother 10 years before I got married..

There were a lot of these type of moments thru the 7 months it took..

 

Today I would consider a pre-nup only if the other person was receptive..

[Guest]

Thanks for the input. I have been married and divorced before. So has my boyfriend. In my case, my now ex-husband and I didn't fight. We had a verbal agreement of sorts (more like an understanding) and when we split, it was straightforward even though we had significant assets.

 

My now boyfriend, however, has a completely different story. His now ex-wife tricked him into leaving his own house (owned by himself for 16 years) and kept it. He spent a ridiculous amount of money to get to her "go away". So, now that he and I are talking about getting married, it seems logical that he might want a pre-nup. We both have significant assets, though not equal amounts of course. If one of us got nasty with the other, either one of us would have a lot to lose.

 

I guess the part I'm struggling with is... if I don't trust him to be fair and honest in a break up, or if he doesn't trust me to be fair and honest in a breakup... maybe we just shouldn't get married.

 

Trying to look at this objectively... and from all angles. Am I too naive? To think that if we separate we could be civil with one another, as I was in my previous divorce? Or if I'm not sure that we could be civil with one another, that maybe we should just wait or not get married at all?

 

Thanks for you input...

[Guest]

... prenups can help to weed out gold diggers before you take that final step. If someone baulks too much with signing a prenup when it's introduced in a reasonable and sensitive fashion, you have to wonder if they're after more than just a committed relationship.

 

There is no gold-digging going on in my case. We both have significant assets. We both have the potential to lose a lot if one person got nasty.

[Guest]

Trust has nothing to do with it. People change their minds all the time.

 

Of course people change their minds. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'd like to choose to be with someone who, even if they change their mind about wanting to be with me (or vice versa) that they will not become mean and nasty. From what I've seen, my BF (potental husband) is not like that, even when thrown to the wolves in divorce court. I have never been like that either. I guess by "trust" I mean that -- assurance that we will not be nasty in the case of a split. It's always someone's perrogative to leave a relationship.

[Guest]

A preunup is like divorce insurance that you hope you never need but you are glad it is there.

 

I guess you're right -- insurance to protect you from the person you chose to spend your life with. I guess that's what I'm having a hard time with. If you need that insurance -- or think you might need it someday -- maybe you're with the wrong person or not ready or will never be ready? Or willing?

[Enema]

I think that yes you should still get one.

 

Better to be safe, than sorry.

[Island Girl]

My husband and I love each other and have pledged to be together. We took the marriage vows seriously.

 

And there is still a prenup. We were both willing to sign off because we are comfortable with the fact that we'll never need it. But being realists and knowing what can happen in a lifetime, it is there to protect both of us.

[caramba]

I would have probably preferred a prenup with my ex - since I could not trust him. Hence why I never married him either.

 

Me and my husband dont have a prenup. We married each other knowing it will be for life and I know that even if we would divorce we would treat each other with respect still. I know myself, and I know him since I know how he treats difficult situations and how he handled bad relationships in the past. And he always did it with love and respect for the other party.

 

If you marry someone you cannot fully trust will treat you with respect if it were to end. Then yes, do a prenup. But I would probably say you guys shouldnt marry.

[che_jesse]

I guess it would depend on what you both have going in.

 

My hubby and I were both flat broke full time college students half working and half living off our parents when we got married. Obviously we did not sign anything because other then never expecting to need it anything we have later in life would have come from both of us.

[IpAncA]

I would only sign one if I was famous, had important assets, or was an heir to something. Even then it would be hard for me to sign it.

 

I'll never sign one (except above) because IMO I think prenups in a round about way say you don't expect the marriage to work and when divorce comes, here's an easy way to do it.

 

I know people don't view it as that but I do.

[Zona76]

A true legal prenup is very expensive. Depending on the listings, it can run quite high.

We did have to protect things from my sister who thought she was going to be my benifactor.

But it's a mutual feeling between us. His house is his for his son. In fact I have talked him out of selling for a few times. My home will split with my children... I have a Will that gives my husband life access to my house. He cannot sell without permission of my daughter.

[Island Girl]

A true legal prenup is very expensive.

 

Not in Tongan pa'anga!

[Woggle]

A man getting married without a prenup is flying an F-16 without an ejector seat. Of course you don't want to get shot down but it might happen and you want a way out. With women's unpredictable nature a man needs one because a woman can be sweet and love you with all her heart one day then resent the hell out of you the next for no reason and when a woman hates you there is no reasoning with her so a man needs legal protection in a divorce.

[IpAncA]

A man getting married without a prenup is flying an F-16 without an ejector seat. Of course you don't want to get shot down but it might happen and you want a way out. With women's unpredictable nature a man needs one because a woman can be sweet and love you with all her heart one day then resent the hell out of you the next for no reason and when a woman hates you there is no reasoning with her so a man needs legal protection in a divorce.

What about the guys? They can be just as bad.

[Guest]

A man getting married without a prenup is flying an F-16 without an ejector seat.

 

Couldn't you just as easily say "A woman getting married without a prenup is flying an F-16 without an ejector seat"?

 

To use your analogy, yes -- of course you could get shot down. Either person could. If by "shot down" you mean "get mean and nasty in the case of a split", wouldn't you want to be able to say, with some level of confidence, that your partner wouldn't do that to you in the event of a break-up?

 

so a man needs legal protection in a divorce.

 

As stated before, wouldn't a woman need the same thing then? A man can be unpredictable too. Or have you never heard of a man who leaves his wife for a younger, prettier woman?

[Guest]

A man getting married without a prenup is flying an F-16 without an ejector seat. Of course you don't want to get shot down but it might happen and you want a way out. With women's unpredictable nature a man needs one because a woman can be sweet and love you with all her heart one day then resent the hell out of you the next for no reason and when a woman hates you there is no reasoning with her so a man needs legal protection in a divorce.

 

I tend to agree, but it can and does go both ways. MY dh, of 25 years, passed away a little over a year ago. I am currently in a relationship, with a wonderful man, mind you, but find myself struggling with things relating to inheritance issues, and not wanting to be taken advantage. I definitely have some issues to work out and resolve concerning these feelings that have been surfacing as of late. The guy that I met has been wonderful to me, but there have been some things that have been said, he says he has been joking, during the time we have been together. I am finding now, these comments are starting to resurface, as I am starting to analyze and doubt where the relationship is going. I have not been able to really convey my thoughts or feelings due largely to not wanting to hurt him. But, at the same time it is a double edged sword....It is back-lashing on me and causing me great anxiety in having to deal with this alone. With all this said, the need for legal protection is important for either man or woman....especially if there is a large inheritance at stake. Love is wonderful and ful-filling.....but, it can be a complicated and tough with legal matters that need to be dealt with.

[katiebour]

If your SO really loves you, then they will want to protect you, both in marriage and in case of divorce. If someone refused to sign a pre-nup, I would assume they had ulterior motives. If my b/f and I get married, I would happily sign a pre-nup because he has indicated it would make him feel more secure. Why wouldn't I want that for the person I love?

 

Do it to protect both of you. Do it because you love one another. Do it because you don't want your spouse staying in a marriage solely due to fear of leaving and being cleaned out. Do it because if something goes wrong with the marriage YOU don't want to be worrying about being taken to the cleaners.

 

I agree with Woggle here- it's the insurance you hope you never need.

[YellowLioness]

Wow, there's nothing that kills the spirit of romance like the mention of a pre-nup.

 

I think they are a great idea in today's day and time. No one ever goes into a marriage with the assumption that they are going to be the next divorce statistic.

 

However, the divorce rate steadily hovers around 50%. Those aren't good odds.

 

Divorces with out pre nups are terrible. My parents divorce was horrendous. They fought over child support, who was keeping the house, who cheated, why my dad didn't want to pay more in child support, what happened to the stuff that was technically his when mom wouldn't let him back in the house, who was keeping the kids, who was going to pay for child care... Ey ey ey!

 

From the perspective of a child of divorce, pre nups are the way to go. Less mess, less fighting. Quicker proceedings.