and this would mean what?

[feeling down]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am am in need of some help here, i have posted here before and found it to be helpful, so I am back again.

 

Dating a guy right now, His friend is a lier about everything.

 

He works out of town and whenever he gets the call to go to work he has like 1 hour then he is gone for 2 or 3 weeks the problem is that whenever he gets the call he starts with the song and dance of how I can start dating someone else and how I can call my other boyfriends.

 

In responce I tell him to stop and I feel really bad. Now he says he doesnot want a commited relatioship because of the time that he spends away and he does not think that it is fair to me to wait for him. he told me the reason he is like that too, past hurts with his ex he was with for 5 years, he came home 3 days earlie to surprize her and caught her in there bed with someone else . all I can say is that it got very ugly and he ended up in jail for a long time. He says that it killed him about what happened with his ex. Now he trusts no one.

 

Myself I am not one to mess around on him and I know that he has to see that in time. Problem is that it bothers me when he says to call my other boyfriends and that if I did he would not get mad he would not get hurt.

 

Is there anything that I can do to help him with this. I do not want it to end with him and I do want him to see that I do care for him. I try and call him but I can only call the cell phone and he can not return the calls for a few days because of his location and he does not get any reception there at all.

 

I am expecting him home soon again anad I already do not like the feeling of having to hear about it, on new years eve (last time that I talked to him) i told him that i missed him and that I could not wait for him to come back home, I told him that I wanted him , his responce was, go out and get some if thats what you need, to me it is not a need it is a want and it is because I care about him. he always says when are you going to throw me out? have you met anyone? i try as hard as I can to reasure him that I am not looking and that I am not going to do that , he says whatever, it would not bother me if you do. how can i deal with this? I do not want it to end because of it but I want to beable to learn a way to cope i guess that you can say.

 

any help out there please!!!!!

10Q

[Just A Girl2]

A person could attribute what he tells you to 2 different things, I think:

 

1) He's got loads of issues and baggage (trust issues) from his past relationship(s) and he's got himself thinking that every woman he dates is going to end up cheating on him....so in an attempt to protect himself from being 'cheated on again', he's coming right out and telling you to "hook up" with other guys while he's gone, so that if it does happen, he won't feel as stupid/betrayed. Or, it could be that he's "testing you"....to see how you respond when he tells you these things. Either way, he doesn't sound like he's "together enough" to have a relationship with, in my opinion.

 

The fact that he "ended up in jail for a long time" due to his past, where he found his girlfriend in bed with someone.....that TO ME, would be a big red flag. I'm sure no man is going to react positively to finding their gal in bed with someone.......but he obviously reacted in a pretty significant manner (did he beat the crap out of the guy? his ex girlfriend? what did he DO to warrant being jailed for a lengthy period of time???).........did he kill the guy? maim him? leave him a quadreplegic? did he beat the crap out of his ex girlfriend? set her house on fire? kill her dog?

 

Sounds like he had (has?) quite the anger management problem...if we can assume that his 'jail time' was related to him flipping out and harming someone/something. You want a guy who's a loose cannon like that? You want to be with a guy who's so skeptical about women in general, and seems to think that all women will end up cheating on him? What happens if you to continue on.....and for whatever reason, he gets it in his head that you've cheated on him........will you get the crap beat out of you?

 

2) Another possible reason for his 'attitude' is that he's sleeping around and 'having fun' while he's away working..........and he doesn't want you to be sitting at home waiting around for him, when he knows HE is out there on the prowl. Not to make a generalization, but a lot of guys who spend that much time away from home working (depending on how isolated they are "on the job"), will find any gal to sleep with...be it a barmaid, a chick in the bar, etc.

 

It's not your job to "prove to him" anything. A guy (or woman) who needs someone to "prove they are faithful", to this extent.....they have too many issues that need to be dealt with by THEMSELF....before they are ready for a healthy, functional, normal, loving relationship...that's based on mutual trust.

 

If any guy told me to go and hook up with my ex boyfriends (or any other man for that matter) while he was off working for a period of time, I'd skid him in no time flat. It would strike me as very strange and I personally wouldn't ever want to date (or wait around for) a guy who thought it acceptable for me to be sleeping around.

 

You're much better off finding a guy who has a more normal work schedule...who you can spend time with...someone who's not gone for long periods of time.

 

I'd say write this guy off. He sounds like trouble with a capital "T" to me.

 

JAG2

[feeling down]

Hi,

Thank you, the way that you put that and the words that you used makes so much sence. I know that I do not want it to end but the way that you wrote that has me thinking about it. he did go agfter the guy, he never touched his ex, her house, her dog.

I know that I do not like hearing those words and they make me feel really sad/mad to hear them I thought that it was a way for him to test me and I also thought that he was covering up his pain. He's a goofy guy all the time and he's nice to me and yes I have not thought about what woud happen if i was to say or do anything to make him angry.

anyways, thakn you, now for some reason I kinnda know what I have to do even though I do not really want to. Your words made to much sence to just ignor them, might take a bit because I am not ready just yet, even though what you said makes sence I an still excited to see him.

[midori]

and I hope you'll listen to it. If there really was no problem you wouldn't have posted here, right? All of JAGirl2's points were very good. You could be in a much more sticky situation than you realize, either because this guy is so warped and untrusting that he's just waiting for you to do something to "betray" him, and/or because he's cheating on you and doesn't want to feel so guilty.

 

It really doesn't seem like a good situation.

 

I've learned that you cannot make someone who has trust issues learn to trust. People learn to trust, I think, when they discover that they have no choice but to trust other people, because living without the ability to rely on others is too grim and paranoid. It's an internal lesson, not something you can teach. Once someone is ready to trust, they then need to learn who they can trust. But until they're ready to trust, they won't, no matter how trustworthy you are.