what am i doing?!

[semaylla]

i'm going to try to make this short. first i'll start off by saying that i know what i'm doing is wrong and i take a portion of the responsibility for all of it.

i have a male friend (who i'm also friends with his wife)...well anyway, recently he began telling me how he has feelings for me and basically that he wants to have sex with me and that he thinks about it whenever he sees me. on the first occasion, he kissed me and i did not pull away right away. the second time, he tried to kiss me and i did not let him. since then we have talked about it a great deal and he has apologized and told me that it would never happen again, that he loves his wife, and that he has never cheated on her, etc, etc.

however, on the most recent occasion, things went a little bit further. we talked for a long time and both admitted to each other that we both wanted each other and that we both care about each other a great deal....but still told ourselves that we couldn't let it go any further because of not wanting to hurt anyone....that didn't last long and we ended up kissing...not just kissing but full on making out and there was some touching involved also. it was so intense and neither of us stopped it. he wanted to take a drive but we both decided against it. i feel like if we had, we would've had sex and neither of us would have stopped it.

i just don't know what to do because as much as i know this is wrong and horrible, i enjoy it and i enjoy the attention and the nice things he says and does to me.

[norajane]

Put yourself in his wife's shoes - you say you are friends with her too. How would you feel if one of your friends was kissing your husband?

 

Back off now before you get in too deep and are unable to back off. Stop seeing this guy alone - only get together with him, or talk to him, when his wife is there, too.

 

The attention you are getting from him might make you feel good now, but it's going to make you feel like sh*t later when you realize that you've had sex and fallen in love with a guy who is never going to leave his wife. You'll start to feel used. Keep in mind he is already lying to his wife, and he may just as easily lie to you as well.

[littlepiggy1]

Cut him off. Period. Nothing good will end up coming of that, so you have to put your foot down and just break things off. Otherwise, you're just setting yourself up for a whole lotta more drama.

[LucreziaBorgia]

what am i doing?!

 

Honestly? You really want the truth? Here's what you are doing:

 

1. Letting him know that you are the type of woman who would sleep with her friend's husband behind her back.

 

2. Backstabbing your friend.

 

3. Setting yourself up for heartbreak.

 

4. Playing a willing part in destroying a marriage.

 

5. Thinking with your heart and your vagina instead of with your head.

 

6. Being an emotional and physical parasite to someone else's marriage.

 

Here is what you should be doing:

 

1. Let him know that you place a much higher value on yourself than to be the type of woman who sleeps with married guys.

 

2. End the friendship with the wife when you go to NC with her husband. The friendship obviously didn't mean that much to you anyway.

 

3. Refuse to play a part in the destruction of your own heart. Walk away before you do any more damage. You aren't the cause of the problems, but what you are doing certainly isn't helping matters. He's doing enough on his own to f*ck things up - and that isn't your concern. Own your own part in this and move on.

 

4. Stop playing your part in the destruction of this marriage. End the friendship, end the MM relationship and walk away from it all. The marriage is already damaged, but at least if you walk away you won't be doing any further harm to it.

 

5. Think with your head. Orgasms aren't worth the amount of emotional fallout you can expect with this situation.

 

6. Detach yourself from this situation - stop drawing emotional and physical energy from this situation. Walk away.

[Limerent]

Sometimes it sucks to do the right thing, especially in the face of such strong temptation. But the reward comes later, down the road aways, if and when you find the *right* one - the reward being that what you put out there in the universe often comes back to you. You never can be sure that the same thing wont happen to you if or when you get married, and your husband is sitting in a car somewhere out there, kissing one of your friends...

 

.well anyway, recently he began telling me how he has feelings for me and basically that he wants to have sex with me and that he thinks about it whenever he sees me

 

Take note that his interest is with your sexual organs, and not who you are as a person.

 

Lots of men will say anything to get a piece of pie. You know that, dont you? Are you saying that all he has to do is whisper a few sentences about wanting to have sex with you, and you give in??!! Are you really that much of an easy mark??

 

I am assuming you have dreams and aspirations, goals to achieve, morals and values...Should you give in to your lust (because that is all it is) then you can sort of count on the rest going downhill and fast. This will damage you, HE will damage you, whether or not it was his intention to do so.

 

Can you imagine what it would be like to actually fall in love with someone who was married and refused to leave their wife?? Are you prepared to go through the emotional suffering and heartache?

 

i just don't know what to do because as much as i know this is wrong and horrible, i enjoy it and i enjoy the attention and the nice things he says and does to me.

 

I believe, if you took a second, and was absolutely honest with yourself, you would have to admit that you do know what to do. You do know it is wrong, and you do know you have to end it.

 

These feelings are just lust...and can be found with single men too. That same sexual feelings and charges you are getting can be found with a man that is single, you do know that, right?

 

I would ask yourself why you chose to get involved in this way with a married man? You arent curious as to what is missing in your life, and inside of you, to let yourself be led astray by someone who is taken??

 

Are you afraid of being in a relationship with someone, so you subconciously choose someone who you know cant be in one with you? Are you just looking for sex? The danger? The adventure? Are you secretly jealous of your female friend for snagging a husband or some other reason that you want to get back at her for?

 

Are you saying that you are so weak that you would actually consider spreading your legs for a man who cant offer you any more than what he has between his legs??

 

Why would you compromise your self worth? Dont you think you deserve more than he could possibly give you? Dont you owe it to yourself to turn your back on this, and find a man that you can call your own instead of poaching one from your friend??

 

Do you really want to be *that* girl?

 

Its not as glamorous as it is made out to be, in fact, it is best described as pathetic and groveling.

 

 

Dont let this man tarnish you. You are worth more than you think you are.

[Not surprised]

It is both amazing and disgusting how common sense, logic, and self respect flies out the window the minute the puzzy gets wet.

 

 

Dont sink so low, and dont be so easy. If you decide to do the right thing, and leave this mess behind you, kindly inform the wife on the way out, either anonymously or not. Write a letter, make a phone call, have someone else tell her..Dont listen to others who tell you not to get involved. It is your duty to do so, after you found out what a disgusting, cheating slimeball he is...Telling her is not as much a crime as it was to slurp face with and fondle her husband..Consider it your good deed for screwing around with her husband behind her back.

 

It takes courage to do the right thing, in a world when the wrong is so very easy. Dont be a heartless, cowardly two faced snake. Close your legs and have some respect for yourself and others. As one poster mentioned something to the effect - Orgasms are not worth the price of being a homewrecker.

 

And if you decide not to get out of this situation, then that makes you all the more lacking in the head and heart department-as you have already mentioned that you KNOW what you are doing is wrong, and have accepted responsibility for it.

 

Do something about it. Take the initiative to get out of this now. Dont become a classless woman.

[semaylla]

i really do appreciate everyone's responses. in my head and in my heart, i know what i need to do. i know that i'm worth more than the situation that he has pulled me into. i know that this is wrong and i never wanted to be "the other woman."....i never even wanted to come close to almost being "the other woman." however, i TOTALLY take part of the responsibility for this situation.

emotionally i'n not able to totally cut all ties with him. we've been friends for a long time and even before any of this happened, we've always had a really strong connection...being able to talk about anything, etc. for a while now, i've considered him one of my closest, best friends. and that's part of the reason why this is so hard because i'm so angry with him for changing the relationship that we had....and i'm so angry at myself for allowing any of it to happen.

i don't want to start a relationship with him and i'm not secretly hoping that he'll leave his wife for me. it's not even just a sexual thing, for me at least. i could care less about the physical aspect of it all. the hardest part is the emotional and psychological part of it all. the whole situaiton is draining me. even if i totally stopped hanging out with him alone or without his wife, the damage has already been done. even if i never saw him again, I have already hurt myself. it will take a long time...possibly forever for the guilt and anger to totally leave.

i know that he knows it's wrong too. he once said to me that it kills him because he knows that he's done more damage to me than i have let on and more damage than he has done to himself.

and the honest truth is that he has done more damage to me than i have let on.

[norajane]

emotionally i'n not able to totally cut all ties with him. we've been friends for a long time

 

and the honest truth is that he has done more damage to me than i have let on.

 

A real, true friend does not put you in the position he has put you in. Period. He is being selfish. It is his responsibility to his wife and to you as his friend to be a man of integrity and loyalty. He has not shown any integrity or loyalty. He has shown selfish desire, and that's his true colors coming out - he puts himself first and everyone else second, third, last.

[mjayc]

I know EXACTLY what you are going thru. I too am going thru the same delema, but I am married as well as he. Both of us have kids (me 1---him 2), and he is my husband's bf, and I am jis wife's bf. Supposedly. What kind of friend am I? He and I shared a mild history from when we were teens, but nothing serious. I never had feelings for him until, like your guy, he expressed his emotions to me. He told me that it should have been me and him....after the shock of "how could he do this to his bf and wife...that this is so wrong...upon so many levels....so "Jerry Springer"..."and I told him it could never, ever happen, and that I will just forget that he said and did (he tried to kiss me-and I stopped him) ...that it never happened, and never should happen again....we are friends and that could never be anything more.

 

But as we (my hubby and I) spent more time with him and I had many opprtunities alone with him to talk, I gave in. Few days later, we met up and did the deed.

 

I am having the same emotions as you:

 

"emotionally i'n not able to totally cut all ties with him. we've been friends for a long time and even before any of this happened, we've always had a really strong connection...being able to talk about anything, etc. for a while now, i've considered him one of my closest, best friends. and that's part of the reason why this is so hard because i'm so angry with him for changing the relationship that we had....and i'm so angry at myself for allowing any of it to happen.

i don't want to start a relationship with him and i'm not secretly hoping that he'll leave his wife for me. it's not even just a sexual thing, for me at least. i could care less about the physical aspect of it all. the hardest part is the emotional and psychological part of it all. the whole situaiton is draining me. even if i totally stopped hanging out with him alone or without his wife, the damage has already been done. even if i never saw him again, I have already hurt myself. it will take a long time...possibly forever for the guilt and anger to totally leave. "

 

As for me and my hubby, I am afraid that it was destined to happen, wether with this guy or another. I am left alone all too often. I am lonely. We do not talk, or do anything together, no matter how hard I have tried and begged. Plus he is impotent and wont be seen. Divorce is in the road ahead. I am only waiting for my child to get a little older.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

i just don't know what to do because as much as i know this is wrong and horrible, i enjoy it and i enjoy the attention and the nice things he says and does to me.

 

You have no unearthly idea the price that YOU and your families are going to pay for this small amount of enjoyment. To make matters worse, it's nothing more than an illusion, smoke-n-mirrors.

 

HE wants sex, he wants an acquisition. Married men who persue the "family friend" have stepped up the game. This is not the first time he's cheated, he has evolved, this type of man is in for the thrill and the adrenaline rush. He is playing a dangerous game for his own enjoyment and you are nothing more than one of the players.

 

LB is bang on in "WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING" Read and reread #3 under that list. This man is not your friend and you are going to be very hurt if you aren't able to realize that.

[semaylla]

mjayc: i just wanted to say thank you for responding to my post. it seems like i'm only hearing back from people telling me how horrible i am and that what i've done is horrible....i'm not looking for someone to tell me that what i have done is RIGHT, but it does help to hear from someone that is going through a similar situation.

i know that the situation i'm in is wrong, but just knowing that won't make it go away. and i also know that no matter how wrong we know something is or how many people tell us what we're doing is wrong, it won't change the feelings that we've had. as bad as i feel about this situation, i will still have feelings for this man because he's in my life and there's no way around that right now.

i know that your situation must be difficult for you....so just know that there ARE other people out there who know how you feel and aren't judging you....because i've made the same mistakes too.