Soul Mates?

[amerikajin]

Do you believe in them? Why? Why not?

 

Me, I think they're a matter of pure fiction. I think people fantasize about soul mates and then use them as some sort of ideal. Sometimes this fantasy is so powerful it drives people away from the partner they're with, not so much because their 'soul mate' is so great, but because they are having a hard time dealing with the imperfections of a person they know inside-out. The soul mate becomes a yard stick - someone that is difficult, if not impossible, for their partner to measure up to. Not because the partner is so bad, but because it's all in the head of the person who's doing the judging. Soul mates are fiction, dude...they're an escape, just like a bottle of booze.

 

Your thoughts.

[alphamale]

the concept of the "soul mate" is a female invention and therefore is utterly illogical and reeks of emotion and feelings-based thinking.

[amerikajin]

the concept of the "soul mate" is a female invention and therefore is utterly illogical and reeks of emotion and feelings-based thinking.

 

It may seem sexist, but I think I have to agree. I think it's Hollywood/Oprah crap that has gone way out of control -- so much so that a lot of wussy-boy men have gotten into the act as well.

[Storyrider]

Thanks for starting this.

 

I agree with you on many levels. The main thing I dislike about the term soulmate, is that it implies there is only one person out there who will work for you as a partner. I don't believe that.

 

I also do agree that falling in love with someone or lust is like an addiction and is no excuse for bad behavior.

 

You went on to say on your other thread that people should use practical means to choose a partner, like their character, their level of responsibility, their work ethic, their kindness, etc. And while I agree that all those are essential in a good mate, you can still be missing something if you only use common sense to choose your partner in life. Even if you feel warm fuzzies for the person. There has to be a strong romantic spark there too, in addition to those other things you mentioned. I think women tend to make the mistake of choosing someone with all these things whom they don't lust after, and then being surprised when they find themselves not wanting to have sex with the guy after the intial rush wears off.

[alphamale]

Soul mates are fiction, dude...they're an escape, just like a bottle of booze.

at least my fifth of vodka won't leave me...

[amerikajin]

Thanks for starting this.

 

I agree with you on many levels. The main thing I dislike about the term soulmate, is that it implies there is only one person out there who will work for you as a partner. I don't believe that.

 

I also do agree that falling in love with someone or lust is like an addiction and is no excuse for bad behavior.

 

You went on to say on your other thread that people should use practical means to choose a partner, like their character, their level of responsibility, their work ethic, their kindness, etc. And while I agree that all those are essential in a good mate, you can still be missing something if you only use common sense to choose your partner in life. Even if you feel warm fuzzies for the person. There has to be a strong romantic spark there too, in addition to those other things you mentioned. I think women tend to make the mistake of choosing someone with all these things whom they don't lust after, and then being surprised when they find themselves not wanting to have sex with the guy after the intial rush wears off.

 

I am not an expert at love. If I were, I'd write books and make millions.

 

I just go by what I see in other people, and the most successful couples I've seen have genuinely just appeared to be at ease in each other's company. That's not to say that they enjoy every day with each other, but they seem to appreciate one another as friends, people and sometimes, lovers.

 

I think permanent relationships are like space flight. You need a lot of energy at first to get it into space. Then, something else takes over. I think you need a lot of fire early in a relationship, but it fades in time. In the end, you need to appreciate the other person, as a person.

 

People also need to drop the ego in relationships. That's one thing I've had to learn. One reason I have failed in past relationships. In a way, it has been good for me to sit out a few months and take a break from dating. I'm taking things in and understanding a lot about my past behavior that I didn't before.

 

But soulmates? Nah, I don't buy it. I think it's a destructive concept on a number of levels.

[burning 4 revenge]

the concept of the "soul mate" is a female invention and therefore is utterly illogical and reeks of emotion and feelings-based thinking.

yes. notice their soulmates are never total losers or stuck in wheel chairs. interesting, that.

[burning 4 revenge]

Thanks for starting this.

 

I agree with you on many levels. The main thing I dislike about the term soulmate, is that it implies there is only one person out there who will work for you as a partner. I don't believe that.

 

I also do agree that falling in love with someone or lust is like an addiction and is no excuse for bad behavior.

 

You went on to say on your other thread that people should use practical means to choose a partner, like their character, their level of responsibility, their work ethic, their kindness, etc. And while I agree that all those are essential in a good mate, you can still be missing something if you only use common sense to choose your partner in life. Even if you feel warm fuzzies for the person. There has to be a strong romantic spark there too, in addition to those other things you mentioned. I think women tend to make the mistake of choosing someone with all these things whom they don't lust after, and then being surprised when they find themselves not wanting to have sex with the guy after the intial rush wears off.

sexual attraction is the only important factor ultimately. i tend to agree with that. but theres no such thing as romance, its another invention

[Storyrider]

I just go by what I see in other people, and the most successful couples I've seen have genuinely just appeared to be at ease in each other's company. That's not to say that they enjoy every day with each other, but they seem to appreciate one another as friends, people and sometimes, lovers.

 

I just don't know about the sometimes lovers thing. I really believe you should marry someone you want to jump. It might not be all physical. It is about the chemistry between your personality and theirs.

 

I sometimes think if everything is tranquil then that is a sign the chemistry isn't there. Some amount of imbalance or push and pull and lack of predictability seems important to retain the spark.

 

I read somewhere that the marriages which stay highly charged sexually are those with some manageable conflict.

I think permanent relationships are like space flight. You need a lot of energy at first to get it into space. Then, something else takes over. I think you need a lot of fire early in a relationship, but it fades in time. In the end, you need to appreciate the other person, as a person.

 

In general I like your analogy, but if I don't continue to appreciate him as a MAN and want to jump him, then three years into our relationship he's going to be complaining that he's not gettin' any.

 

People also need to drop the ego in relationships.

 

I'm with you there.

 

When I think about how my grandparents got married, and other people in the WWII era, it doesn't seem that they had to worry as much about marrying someone devoid of character. The ideas of holding a job, being there for your kids, staying married, were more of a given. I think values were more standard across society, providing a framework so people could focus on marrying someone who gave them that spark. (I know people still had affairs, were alcoholics, etc. I'm not trying to glorify the past, but we have to reinvent the wheel these days because society has changed so much. We think so much we don't know how to follow our guts, which, in a simpler time, people still knew.)

[johan]

I hope you all get this conundrum settled once and for all. This is going to make a big difference in my life.

[Pyro]

Would it be right if two people who have been married over 50 years refer to each other as soulmates?

[IpAncA]

Do you believe in them? Why? Why not?

 

No I don't. I use to but after a while my belief is that not everyone is meant to be with someone. Some will always be single.

 

I could never figure this out. What happends if your with someone for say 25 years. You divorce and find someone else. Who then is the soulmate? Sure you could say it's number 2 but at the time you were with the first person they probably were. And what happends if that person always stayed with the first person even though they were unhappy. Does that mean they would never meet their soulmate?

 

See it's confusing to me and yet I have no idea what I wrote. Guess my point is that there is to many "What if's."

[littlepiggy1]

I agree with you on many levels. The main thing I dislike about the term soulmate, is that it implies there is only one person out there who will work for you as a partner. I don't believe that.

 

Exactly. And for that to be true, that means one person out of 3 billion people. Which means you'd have to meet one person every half second to find your soul mate.

 

So yeah, the concept of the "soul mate" is just an overly romanticized term for someone that you have good compatibility with.

 

So yeah.

[alphamale]

Which means you'd have to meet one person every half second to find your soul mate.

and chances are they'd already be married....

[Teddy and Jane]

I don't know about the term 'soulmates' perse...I mean I do believe there could be more than one person who you could be ultimately compatible with, so I don't think you need to go out searching and there's only going to be one right person in the world for you.

 

That said, I have met people who are truly soulmates. By that I mean they rock each other to the inner core, and more. My sister and BIL have been married 10 years and they have such a special connection. They just "get" each other and love to be around each other still. You just have to meet a couple like that or be in a relationship like that yourself to really get it.

[Storyrider]

I don't know about the term 'soulmates' perse...I mean I do believe there could be more than one person who you could be ultimately compatible with, so I don't think you need to go out searching and there's only going to be one right person in the world for you.

 

That said, I have met people who are truly soulmates. By that I mean they rock each other to the inner core, and more. My sister and BIL have been married 10 years and they have such a special connection. They just "get" each other and love to be around each other still. You just have to meet a couple like that or be in a relationship like that yourself to really get it.

 

I like this description of your sister and her husband, and I agree with you that couples like this do exist. Maybe we need a new word to describe couples like this. They are actually pretty rare.

[Herzen]

A "soul mate," while fictional, is a useful fiction. It keeps people of reproductive age in the mating game. Then when they meet someone with whom they're compatible, this person is relegated to singular status as the One. Babies get made, and that's all Nature really cares about.

 

The trick is to act as if the other person is your soul mate. That way, bonds form, hormones flow, sperm meets egg and the rest is biology.

[alphamale]

The trick is to act as if the other person is your soul mate. That way, bonds form, hormones flow, sperm meets egg and the rest is biology.

yes HERZEN....but then when the seven year itch hits and one person no longer feels the other is their "soulmate" then thats when we get the lawyers and courts involved in the divorce proceeding.

 

But at least the prime directive has been taken care of...reproduction.

[Herzen]

yes HERZEN....but then when the seven year itch hits and one person no longer feels the other is their "soulmate" then thats when we get the lawyers and courts involved in the divorce proceeding.

 

But at least the prime directive has been taken care of...reproduction.

 

Spot-on, alpha. Spot-on.

[Storyrider]

But at least the prime directive has been taken care of...reproduction.

 

Please don't redefine the prime directive. Kirk and Spock don't swing that way.

[burning 4 revenge]

Please don't redefine the prime directive. Kirk and Spock don't swing that way.

that would be illogical captain

[pelagicsands]

Please don't redefine the prime directive. Kirk and Spock don't swing that way.

The prime directive... let me think. Is it to never interfere with anuses from other planets?? I got kind of close to one on Jupiter, but I pulled out just in time.

 

Too many people think that biological drives dictate our lives, hopes, and dreams. Armchair scientists, welcome to LoveShack.

 

I'm happy to tell you that have independent thought, and are not slaves to our genes.

[Storyrider]

that would be illogical captain

 

Captain, this marriage is running out of dilithium crystals! I can't hold her much longer!

[pelagicsands]

that would be illogical captain

Don't make me give you the Vulcan anal probe. Or is that a Klingon rim job? Whatever. The way you shift your eyebrows is turning me on.

[amerikajin]

I don't know about the term 'soulmates' perse...I mean I do believe there could be more than one person who you could be ultimately compatible with, so I don't think you need to go out searching and there's only going to be one right person in the world for you.

 

That said, I have met people who are truly soulmates. By that I mean they rock each other to the inner core, and more. My sister and BIL have been married 10 years and they have such a special connection. They just "get" each other and love to be around each other still. You just have to meet a couple like that or be in a relationship like that yourself to really get it.

 

I think there are couples who have a higher degree of compatibility or whatever you want to call it. I think I know what you're talking about.

 

But I think people these days just quit marriages because their ego gets in the way, or because they believe in some ideal that doesn't really exist. Or maybe it exists, but it's so difficult to attain, so rare, that it's impractical to expect it.

 

Confession time! I could have boinked a friend of mine (and she could have had her way with me too). She was cute, and I know she was attracted to me, and I was incredibly attracted to her. Just before I moved back to the U.S., I confessed that I had avoided her because I had feelings for her, at which point she more or less said the same. And yet, while we were sitting there talking, drinking and carrying on in conversation, there was more or less this implicit understanding that our confessions were as far as it was going to go (she was married, but we had picked up on our body language as it were). And honest to goodness, it never went beyond that. I think once we got everything out in the open, it made us both think.

 

But, since then I've even thought about it even more. Suppose I had honestly pushed for something more...it wouldn't have worked. It couldn't have worked. I was simply a friend to whom she was attracted, and I guess the same was true in reverse. But it struck me...I was a fantasy. I was an image in her mind. I was the guy she thought of when she got irritated at her husband for staying at work too late. She was the girl I thought of whenever sex with my girlfriend wasn't all that great. I can't speak for her more than I have, but I know that, in my case, my ego led me to believe that I was somehow 'entitled to more', that I didn't appreciate whatever it was that I had.