Sundance Kid Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 Hi boys and girls, I'm 24 and my girlfriend is 25 and we've been going out for exactly one year now. It's a long distance relationship and things have been going great until last week when via chat she asked when she was getting an engagment ring... At that point I just froze and said "when the time is right" and "patience is a virtue". Don't ask why I said that but I just did. Sure we'd talked about marriage and kids etc. before but this caught me completely off guard. I really love this girl and she really loves me too. It's not that I don't want to marry her, just that I feel we're a bit young and we should take more time to get to know one another better before making a life long commitment. I go back every 6 months and we only spend a few of days together which is barely enough time. I don't even know any of her friends! Anyway she doesn't seem to understand this and wants to get engaged when I go back in 2 months and then getting married as soon as possible! I have no job, no house and I'm currently following a training programme which will end in 6 months. Now when we talk on the phone or in text messages there seems to be no emotion in her words and I feel like things have hit a brick wall. When I ask her if anything is wrong she says "now i know where i stand with you". What does that mean? Please can anyone tell me why she is acting like this and offer any advice to sort the situation out. Thanks in advance Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 "now i know where i stand with you". Which translates to "I know that you do not love me enough to ever want to marry me. If you loved me like you say you do, then you would have no problem wanting to get married right now." She wants to get married now. She is assuming that "I'm not ready" means "I never want to get married to you". She won't ever see it for what it is: "I love you and I want to be with you, but I do not want to be married right now. Maybe one day I will, but just not now." For some reason, some women simply don't understand the concept of "not right now" when it comes to marriage. They just automatically assume it means "never". The longer that they hear "I'm not ready", the harder they will push it until eventually they get tired of not being married and end the relationship. For some women, the idea of marriage and the 'big wedding' are actually more important to them than the relationship they already have. Sounds like your girl is in the same boat. She can't have that big wedding, the ring and the papers, so she is emotionally withdrawing from you. She doesn't want you to propose to her under duress - she wants you to WANT to propose to her. That is what is bugging her. She feels that you don't want to propose to her, get engaged to her or marry her, and that if you don't now you never will. If you want to get some insight from the other side, check out this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=117957 What can you do? I'm afraid she is just as set in her feelings as you are in yours. She is rapidly reaching the "marry me, or I dump you" stage. You'll have to start thinking what you are going to do when she drops that ultimatum on you. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 I really love this girl and she really loves me too. It's not that I don't want to marry her, just that I feel we're a bit young and we should take more time to get to know one another better before making a life long commitment. I go back every 6 months and we only spend a few of days together which is barely enough time. I don't even know any of her friends! Have you told her this? You are in the right here. I year of long distance is NOT enough. By the way, IM is not a very good way to discuss marriage. (I know that it was her who brought it up). Explain how important a decision this is, and how you want to do it right. Marriage is hard, and lots of people get married because they are in love, but when you are in love AND take the time to understand objectively that you would make good lifetime partners you are in a much better place. Good luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sundance Kid Posted April 29, 2007 Author Share Posted April 29, 2007 Thank you for both replying to my message. Lucrezia, you have indeed hit the nail on the head and all of what you have said is making perfect sense. I guess I'm in a lose lose situation unless I propose to her. Bab, you know I haven't told her any of the reasons I listed because I thought she knew. The funny thing is she doesn't even know any of my friends either. Not saying that's important but at least its something that the other should know about their future partner before committing to marriage. I feel I should be telling her these reasons but that now it will just seem like I'm making up excuses. She's already in a bitter mood even though she won't admit it and our phone call this evening proved it with moments of silence... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Bab, you know I haven't told her any of the reasons I listed because I thought she knew... Isn't it funny how the moment we get into a serious relationship, we assume the other person becomes psychic and just 'knows' things without our having to tell them? That isn't a criticism, but let that be a lesson to you..... Communication, Tust and Respect for your partner is the tripod upon which we rest the relationship. Knock one of those away, and the other two simply can't get enough angle or purchase to do the supporting.... Otherwise, I completely agree with Lucrezia there. One other note...Don't forget that the female body-clock has its eye on the old fertility timer..... some women feel they're in a race to marry! Conceive! have a family! and quite frankly, well....single-minded can apply..... But in the end, maybe you don't want the same things, so better to find out now, than try to build on mistakes.... Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Kristix Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 I guess I'm in a lose lose situation unless I propose to her. . proposing is probably the worst thing you could do. Listen to yourself, your heart.... You know your not ready....you know that it isn't the right thing to do yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 I agree with the other posters in that when you tell her "I'm not ready," she hears "I don't want to marry you." I guess it's kind of a girl thing. That book "He just not that into you" started the ball rolling. You can sense from the title that it says that if your bf doesn't want to marry you, it means he's not into you. This is a weird situation, in that you've been together a year, havn't spent that much time together, and she wants to get married. Sounds like maybe she likes the idea of an engagement, ring on her finger, telling all her friends, ect. more than she wants the idea of being married to you. (Do you know if any of her friends are getting married/engaged? She may be thinking about it more if people around her are getting married.) I don't mean this in a harsh way, I'm sure she probably loves you, but if you've barely spent any time together and it's LDR i'm surprised that she'd be that sure and that positive about getting into a marriage. I can see both sides of the issue, it's hard to hear that your bf isnt ready to marry you, when your ready to marry him. My bf says the same thign to me, that he's not ready, and it's hard to hear because I really love him and want to marry him. I think honestly you should tell her exactly what you told us. Tell her they aren't excuses, that you'd like to keep getting to know each other and maybe wait until you come home and you are closer in proximity to talk about it. Reassure her that you love her and want to be with her, and hope that she will understand a little better. I hope I helped you, good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 What's her reason for wanting to get married right away? Link to post Share on other sites
Chamari Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 I'm in something of the same situation--things had been getting pretty serious and I told my bf that I'm just not ready for that yet. It took a bit of prodding to get him to talk about what he was feeling but after I told him that he did need some reassurance that it wasn't anything to do with my feelings for him changing or anything, just that I needed some time for myself. Talking to your gf and explaining that it's not that you don't love her and wouldn't want to be married to her eventually, but that you think you guys need more time to get to know each other first sounds like a good idea. Assuming that that is the way you feel of course. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 Flat out ----don't let her rush you into the most important decision of your life. You are absolutely right to want to wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona76 Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 After only a year? She's a bit pushy! I was in a long long Internet relationship. We'd gone several years before meeting. Sometimes I'd ask him, "Can you see us together in the future? Holding hands and walking along the sidewalk. Doing simple things together and growing older and enjoying every joy life brings us?" He responded back, "Baby you're stuck with me. We're in this the long haul and the future is tomorrow. We have Now and Today. AND we have forever. But we can't live tomorrow till today is done." Tell your Girl you love her. And you want her in all ways till forever. But if she is unable to wait for the right time for it to be the Best Moment, then you will free her if this is her desire. She needs assurance that she has forever with you. That's all. Marriage is only paper. Tell her if she questions what is in your heart she need to give you the chance to have her fall in love with you again. Use words. She just wants reassurance. There is a book, "Men Are From Mars - Women Are from Venus" Yes it's a book on relationships but it's also about communication. It's on what you say and how she interprets it. Martians and Venetians speak different languages and the reason we can't communicate is we can't properly translate. Before we married, my husband made me read this book. You should. And buy one for her too. Link to post Share on other sites
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