Heartache11 Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 So after our three month breakup of a 2 1/2 year relationship, we began talking about once, if not more, everyday. We were on the phone for an hour today when he started talking about things we can do if we got back together and it was making me a mess. He kept making it seem like I would be second to all his friends. I finally said to him I don't want to be that and that he would have to give me time. He then said that is why he doesn't know if we could date, because he doesn't want us to be as 'serious'. He then suggested that we date when I'm home from school but anhything goes when I'm at college. (meaning we can hook up with whoever and not talk as much). I broke down crying saying he has no respect for me and if he loved me he wouldn't do that, that you wouldn't have that in your heart. I said we could give each other more space but there is no reason to have it open like that. I tried to talk about it more and he just shut down the topic and said he had to go because a friend was there. I just hung up without saying goodbye. I want to text him now saying "I need to talk to you tonight" but I'm so upset that I haven't. After all the bad things he's done, it doesn't seem like this is a step in the positive direction. Am I right in thinking an open relationship like that is him just using me? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 Am I right in thinking an open relationship like that is him just using me? Yes, you are absolutely 100% correct that an open relationship like that is him just using you. Stop talking to him. Period. He does not have love in his heart for you, and he certainly does not have your best interestes at heart. He has his own selfish interests at heart, him and his penis. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 Yup, you're right heartache. Asking for an open relationship is another way of saying "i haven't found anyone to fill my time yet, so you'll be a good person to use until I find someone". Trust me on this one. My ex would never commit to me, and I foolishly went back 3 times, thinking he would. He basically was just passing time while he looked for someone he wanted more than me. I eventually decided that wasn't for me, and here we are on day 21 of NC.. Don't fall into this trap. If you decide to do it, you'll constantly be stressed out about whether or not he's seeing someone else. I know because I was always wondering who my ex was talking to, when I wasn't around. Turns out he was talking to girls online all along. Some he was even taking phone calls at 4am from, after leaving my house! yeah, very disrespectful. I guess he was just full of himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartache11 Posted April 29, 2007 Author Share Posted April 29, 2007 Thank you! I'm glad you two reaffirmed that this open relationship idea is like using me. He said he'd call me later, and yes, I will listen to this idea and what exactly is behind it. But if he can't promise me some type of commitment, I will never agree. I could maybe see this if he was a genuinely caring and nice guy because we have been together for a long time, I am 4 hours away a good portion of the year, and we are young (I'm turning 20, hes going to be 23). But he has hidden motives. I don't think it is even he wants another girl as much as him just continuing to control me and get his way. He'll say he needs 'space' to go do his own thing and by being with me he feels obligated. Therefore, an open relationship will cut down our contact and allow me to have fun at college. But really, he means I'm using you. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 Why would you even talk to him again, much less listen to him make the same offer to use you? You're in college - there are a zillion guys around who won't treat you this way. Forget this guy. He's already shown you what he's about. You don't need to hear more of his rationalizations on why you should let him use you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartache11 Posted April 29, 2007 Author Share Posted April 29, 2007 We talked. I asked him to explain what he wants and he kept being like I don't know and that we are "seeing" each other but can see other people. Not even dating. I got upset and cried and he hung up. I asked him to please explain things to me and he just kept saying I don't want to talk about it and hung up again. What an a$$. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 The fact that he doesn't want a committed relationship with you means he's just not that into you. If he was, he'd not want to be open to seeing other people. You obviously want more. Having been there myself, I know how hard it is, but you need to let him go. If it's meant to be in the future, you could find your way back to eachother, but hopefully, you'll be so far over him that you wont give a crap what he says. Let it go now. Go NC. You're in college. This is your best time to date and find men. It only gets more difficult when you exit school, so take advantage. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 You can't control what he wants but you can control what you want. Both of you are looking for different things in life and from what I can see, the two expectations don't meet. Don't settle for part of someone if you're not into table scraps. Consider this a write-off and move on. The only reason why you should consider having this conversation with him is if you need a place to vent your negative emotions, for your own peace of mind. Keep it direct, avoid swearing at him and retain your dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartache11 Posted April 29, 2007 Author Share Posted April 29, 2007 Don't settle for part of someone if you're not into table scraps. Consider this a write-off and move on. The only reason why you should consider having this conversation with him is if you need a place to vent your negative emotions, for your own peace of mind. Keep it direct, avoid swearing at him and retain your dignity. He called back like an hour later and apologized. He tried to play it off as if nothing happened and I flat out told him he needs to make up his mind. It isn't right for me to be on edge all the time. I also told him that him doing these things makes me think less of him too. I then said goodbye and hung up. I'm proud because it feels as if I actually stood up for myself for once. I'm feeling pretty good, if only I could kill this headache from crying earlier! heh Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 He called back like an hour later and apologized. He tried to play it off as if nothing happened and I flat out told him he needs to make up his mind. It isn't right for me to be on edge all the time. I also told him that him doing these things makes me think less of him too. I then said goodbye and hung up. I'm proud because it feels as if I actually stood up for myself for once. I'm feeling pretty good, if only I could kill this headache from crying earlier! heh He needs to make up his mind? Why don't you take control and take the choice away from him? YOU make up your mind to have nothing to do with him anymore. Are you really expecting him to suddenly decide he loves you and wants no one else? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 He did make up his mind. He decided that he wants to continue seeing you while dating others. Now is the time to make up yours: do you stay with someone who will not be monogamous, or do you move on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartache11 Posted April 30, 2007 Author Share Posted April 30, 2007 YOU make up your mind to have nothing to do with him anymore. Are you really expecting him to suddenly decide he loves you and wants no one else? I am not expecting him to turn around and have him say that at all. It's funny because in one of these conversations he said something along the lines of "I know what you want to hear. That I love you and I will be with you. But that's not going to happen." I know it's over with this request. So yes, it is time to move on. Maybe one day he'll realize what he gave up and it will be too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Salicious Crumb Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 After all the bad things he's done, it doesn't seem like this is a step in the positive direction. Am I right in thinking an open relationship like that is him just using me? Yes...you would be correct. An open relationship is someone that wants to be with you, but doesn't want to forsake all others too. He wants a license to cheat is what it is. Leave him in the dust and find a real man. He is not worthy of a good woman. Link to post Share on other sites
chryssy83 Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 He did make up his mind. He decided that he wants to continue seeing you while dating others. Now is the time to make up yours: do you stay with someone who will not be monogamous, or do you move on? Amen. I dated a guy several years ago who told me he just wasn't ready for a "serious" commitment and he wanted us to be "together but not together." He wanted us to see other people. Then he took another girl on a trip to Texas to spend a week with his family. Ummm....I thought we were "together..." And then he got engaged. Oh, not to that girl, silly reader! It was another girl! Yes, with her he was okay with something serious...I wonder if she knew that he was "together but not together" with me at the time!! He has certainly made up his mind, and if he wanted to be with you he wouldn't be able to stand the thought of you being with anyone else. It hurts and it sucks but it's time to move on. You'll find a guy who is crazy about you from day one and knows what a great thing he's got so he'll never let you go. Link to post Share on other sites
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