Paris / US Romance

[dangerpanda]

This is a doozy, guys and it's going to be long. I'll try to make it as understandable as possible.

 

 

Girl and boy are part of a childhood organization together from 2001 forwards (JROTC). Boy and girl never meet each other in person or otherwise, but both of them walk in the same extended group of friends and everyone keeps in contact after high school and beyond (HS graduation is 2004). Both share that common bond, and that's it. I never met her or was introduced to her at any time, and vice versa. For the purposes of this post I will refer to the girl as "Ashlyn".

 

Summer 2004 I move away to Tennessee. I start working, and going to school, as does she. We both start college in the fall of 2004.

 

Early March 2005 rolls around and MySpace has become a cultural phenomenon. Naturally, JROTC kids start to re-connect with each other faster and at a mind-boggling rate due to the fact that most of our friendships were always long distance anyways. I've moved on with my life, I work now, go to school and while I'm interested in hearing from some people from back in the day, definitely not trying to get laid off chicks from there, etc.

 

Early April 2005 the girl sees me on a mutual friends' MySpace page and she contacts me - I repeat, she initiates contact. We write back and forth for just 3 messages, we exchange IM screenames, and move it to IM. We chat for about 10 minutes, tops, and she gives me her cell phone number. Turns out that we grew up less than 15 minutes away from each other, and due to area codes it's not going to cost me anything extra, so, I do it. I call her.

 

We end up talking for nearly 2 hours about random ****, she rambles on about "compulsive flakers" and how chicks stood her up at a nail salon, about how guys are confusing, and we try to pin down just what brought us to each other by asking stupid questions "Do you know Michael?" "Do you remember Jessica?", etc.

 

Intermittent MySpace communication, only public commenting, never private communication and sporadic IM conversations ensue from April 2005 until November of 2005, at which point I leave Tennessee and join the Navy. I am in Navy boot camp from November 15th, 2005 to February 6th, of 2006. Natually, there is no MySpace or phone there, so, yeah. There IS of course old-fashioned emails, and as soon as my sister puts my boot camp address up on my MySpace, she spies it and immediately writes me twice. I only respond to one of the letters, the latter I ignore as I am already on my way to school in the South.

 

During my time at my job school in the South, I meet and am approached by a beautiful 20 year old Puerto Rican girl that for obvious reasons I will call only "Lisa". Lisa and I hit it off immediately, and immediately post pictures of our drunken, sober and anything in between romantic escapades online for all to see. This is early February of 2006. I notice immediately that "Ashlyn" has stepped up her subtle fliratation and makes it a point to comment on every photo I have. I don't respond the entire time I am there at school and eventually she stops contacting me altogether.

 

It is now early April of 2006. "Lisa" and I have gone through a terrible breakup in which she cheated on me with a mutual friend and we both call it quits for the better. "Lisa" gets stationed in New Orleans, I in Virginia right outside of DC and we never hear from each other again until later that year, around Christmas. So, Lisa is done. The pictures are gone, I am once again listed as single, and "Ashlyn" knows it. I make no attempt to contact her. Keep in mind, she is rather hot, but I show absolutely no interest in this time frame (April 2006 - July 2006) because I don't want to get hurt again.

 

Early May "Ashlyn" begins to contact me again. She makes no mention or observation about "Lisa" and I breaking up and continues to flirt, ask when I'm going to come visit her in California and announces she has been accepted to an international exchange program offered by her college, all expenses paid, and that she will be studying abroad in France from August 2006 to June 2007. Again, I flirt a little bit but am in no mood to pursue her in any way due to the recent breakup from school.

 

July 2006 rolls around and "Ashlyn" is coming on extremely heavy for a MySpace friend, at least to me. Telling me what shirt to wear in what photo, asking when I'm going to call her, saying all of my pictures are "cute" and "hot" and asking when I will be going to vacation to California to spend time with her. I never give a concrete answer.

 

August 2006 rolls around, and I work up the nerve to call her. She is packing and counting down the few days until she leaves for France, and is a little disappointed when I tell her I won't be coming to California to see her before she leaves for France. This is the first time I talk to her on the phone for over a year, and the last until after she gets to France.

 

September 2006 comes. I have not heard from "Ashlyn" since she arrived in France, except for a short comment telling me about the Eiffel Tower, how beautiful it is there and how much fun she's having. I move on with my life.

I find out later on it was between arrival to Paris and October that she lost her virginity. They weren't dating, they just hooked up, she slept with him and by her admission she didn't even like him.

 

October 2006 is here and my birthday is on the 9th. She leaves me a message on MySpace, and it catches me offguard. I start to wonder why she is talking to me when she is France and has all these other guys to choose from. She is all about France, she is fluent in the language, acts like a local and it has always been her dream to live there and even better go to college there. I start to think, hmm.

 

She calls me mid-November, and leaves me two voicemails on my cell phone. I turn on international calling and call it back. Turns out its her cell and she's happy to hear from me. I'm extremely tired and keep falling asleep on her, but she doesn't hang up. She stays on the line and waits for me to wake up. It was really embarrassing, but she didn't seem to think so. She gave me her apartment phone number, and we went to sleep. I don't hear from her again until December 2nd of 2006. She needs the full version of Microsoft Excel to do her taxes or something, and I end up just making the spreadsheet and emailing it back to her completed. She expresses a lot more graditude than she should and remarks that she asked me because she knows I'm the only one who "won't **** it up".

 

Two days later I go through an extreme emotional trauma as I lose not one but two very close friends in a firefight in Afghanistan. Also, my best friend who I kept hoping would realize I am in love with her still gets married, my parents start to contemplate divorce, and I am told in January I will be deploying to Somalia / Yemen for a month. I am an absolutely wreck and drink regularly now, and drink to get ****ed up. "Ashlyn" texts me during one of my drunken stupors, and the rest is history. We start to talk on the phone on a regular basis. She is there for me, she listens, she seems to understand and one night, against my better judgment, I DON'T KNOW WHY, I tell her I like her.

 

This is key later on, because, I DON'T.

Yet...

 

Turns out Miss "Ashlyn" has been lusting after me for years. She is in love with me; I am the perfect guy for her; everytime she likes a guy, they never like her back; apparently I am the subject of hundreds of diary entries and fantasies.

 

I start to push her away. I DO NOT tell her I don't actually like her. But I do start to push her away. For the guys reading: She's ****ing hot, she's half-black, half-Asian, 5' 5', grew up spoiled and sheltered, Dad is a retired Vietnam-era tough-as-nails Marine, she only slept with one other guy EVER and only lost her virginity 2 months prior - oh yeah, and she has NEVER had a serious boyfriend. Plus, totally obsessed with me.

 

Naturally - I smell trouble and try to run the other way. I figured she was hot, so she had had plenty of boyfriends and experience, but it turns out she hasn't and everything I say that would make ANY OTHER WOMAN LEAVE and run for the hills (I'll never change for you; women are bitches, they cheat, you all cheat, etc) DOESN'T FAZE HER ONE BIT.

 

I get worried. Now it's Christmas. I'm still drunk off my ass from the 24th. She sends a text asking if "her {insert my first name here} has been a good boy this year". Possessive noun. Oh. No.

 

I know this is gonna turn out bad. I pull out all the stops. I tell her my roommates think she's a party hor, I tell her all women cheat, I don't believe her feelings are genuine, she has a boyfriend back in California, she playing games - etc. The whole nine.

 

She. Won't. Leave.

 

I deploy to Somalia in early January. Before I leave, an old friend gets stationed here in Virignia and we sleep together twice. We don't date, nothing, we just end up ****ing each other twice, and everything moves on. I deploy, this girl goes to school. We take a few pictures together, and I stash them away.

 

While I am Somalia I realize it may be time to get over Lisa and that I am lonely. I tell Ashlyn this in an email and she immediately starts plans to come visit me for Valentines Day. I'm like, "WTF?", but I agree.

 

I finally meet her the night of February 13th. Her plane is delayed and I wait for it, and when she gets off the plane, I am there with a bouquet of red roses (+$60) and a hug. We go out to eat with a friend from work here, then go home and unpack our stuff. The next day is V-Day, everything is perfect, we go to dinner that evening (+$160/plate) and she grabs my hand, looks into my eyes and tells me she loves me.

 

I tell her I love her back. We sleep together for the first time that night, and every single other night she's there. She stays until February 22nd. We go to D.C.

 

After she flies back to Paris, things get heavier. She starts to make comments about us living together, how she wants 4 kids, a dog, etc. I start to be referred to as "you're my {insert my first name here}, and I a m "her Ashlyn". She remarks over and over again that after she gets her degree in 2008, she needs two more years of accelerated language school in Northern California so that she has her masters and then she can "follow me wherever I go with the Navy".

 

Now I really push her away. Hard.

 

While I am deployed again - Yemen - we talk in email every single today. On average, I would receive 4-5 sperate emails plus a good night email everyday. In addition to that, every 2 days, a picture update of 10 or so pictures and bikini/semi-naked poses sprinkled here and there. Late March, she writes me an email asking why I am so resistant, what I don't like about her, why does she make me mad, and what does she need to change. I don't get until 4 days after she sends it, god bless the military...

 

Like an idiot, I list all of these things out in an email, bulleted list and everything. I'm military, I'm a straightforward person, I'm not going to sugarcoat it for her.

 

This is April 5th. She emails me, and says:

 

"Well, since I'm the stupid girlfriend that never listens to what you say, I'll do one smart thing - I'm breaking up with you."

I don't talk to her for 2 days. When I do get to a phone and call her (April 7th of this year), she says she can't do, her heart is telling her to get back with me, but her head is saying no, don't do it. She tells me she loves me, and she didn't like me pushing her away and being negative, and that's the ONLY thing she wants me to change. That's it. Just be nice, and look at the relationship in a positive light.

 

She asks me back out under those conditions, and I agree. Everything goes back to normal, but now, I know I have feelings for this girl because when she dumped me - I didn't like it. And I did miss her. I start to miss her more and tell her so. I tell her I want to work it out and now that we are back together again, I won't push her away anymore.

 

Now - I am in love with her, too. I fall, and I fall hard. I get back to the states. The last 24 hours before I touch down, she is super anxious for me to get back so she can talk to me on the phone and not just email like the past month. I get back the 13th of April. We talk for about 8 hours on the phone.

 

The 14th of April, she leaves for a trip she had pre-planned 6 months ago to Spain that I had totally forgot about. Her best friend (who flies out from California; they're known each other since 5) and the roommate and her take off early in the morning. Before she leaves, she does three things:

 

* text message saying, "I love you always...you are my one and only, you're my {my name} and I will always be here for you my love..."

 

* an email filled with pictures and a handful of bikini shots

 

* a voicemail saying, "Baby...I'm leaving, I'll call you when I get back, I love you...bye."

 

 

I think she's breaking up with me, again, so I leave her a voicemail telling no, I'm breaking up with you, stop playing with me, etc. I also text the best friend and tell her to stop being a bitch, I can call Ashlyn anytime I want, she wants me to call, I don't care if you were sleeping, etc. (Ashlyn had asked me not to call at night - the only time we talk because of the 6-hour time difference - because it was disturbing the best friend, and only not to call while the best friend was there)

 

I don't hear from her for 6 days.

 

She gets back on the 19th. I call, I don't know why, because I miss her. She says she can't do this anymore, she'll always love me, but she can't do this, etc. Hangs up on me.

 

I call 2 hours later. She tells me, "Don't call me, don't contact me." Hangs up again.

 

I get mad. OK, I say. OK. So I send her a picture of me and my friend from January passed out on the couch together. Clothes on, no sex depicted in the picture, just me on my side and this other girl in my arms. I leave a voicemail, telling her I cheated on her (which I didn't, me and this girl hooked up before Ashlyn and I were dating, even before she came to visit).

Of course - Ashlyn doesn't know WHEN the picture was taken. And that was the point. I was mad and I did it to hurt her.

 

She calls me on the morning of the 26th and tells me we need to be friends so that she can trust me again. I explain to her I didn't actually cheat on her, but I did intentionally send her the picture of me and the girl to hurt her. She understands that and says she came to the same conclusion, and wants to work it out with me, she forgives, she loves me, etc.

 

The night of the 28th, she calls me drunk off her ass and confesses she kissed another guy. She is extremely guilty about it and keeps repeating that she loves me and doesn't want this guy, that all she wants is sex and she wants me to come pick her up and take her away from this guys apartment her and her friend are at because she doesn't trust them. I stay on the phone with her for 2 hours until she passes out. She tells me the friends urged her to destroy all my stuff when I left the voicemail telling her I cheated and she cut everything up and mailed it back to me, including my dogtags. This infuriates me, and I don't call her back.

 

She texts me when she wakes up. She then calls in the morning somewhat sobered up and says it will never happen again, she was mad about the picture thing and she just kissed him, it will never happen again, etc

I say, OK, we'll work it out. The morning of the 29th she calls me and we talk about everything from food to Paris to scuba diving to fish to the military and then her sister calls. She switches over and tells me she'll call me back. She calls back an hour later and tells me she can't talk to me yet, her sister's opinion matters a lot to her, her sister and her best friend are still mad at what I did and she thinks it best that we don't talk on the phone and I give her space and time. She says she thought she knew what she wants, but it's only been a week since we broke up and she doesn't know.

 

I tell her in a text message afterwards not to call me or contact me at all until she figures out what she wants. And that I'm serious about that. I leave her a voicemail telling her what I expect when she's ready to talk.

 

She then sends me a text message early this morning (2AM) saying:

"Don't call me. I want my space, you told me to call you when I was ready to talk, I don't want to now, I don't know when that will be, but just respect what I need right now."

 

 

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There you have it. I care for her now. I can't lie about that. She obviously loves me - I think. But what is she doing, why chase me for so long and break up repeatedly, and what does she want out of this relationship.

 

I await your answers. You guys seem to have answered every question under the sun on this forum, help me out

[dangerpanda]

*bump bump*

[pelagicsands]

I've heard of Danger Mouse, but never Danger Panda. If you had a trusty assistant named Penfold, then he would be telling you right now that you need to sever your French connections.

 

Sorry, but I think she's trouble with a capital A.

[dangerpanda]

Elaborate, please.

 

I want to be with her now. Is that the problem? She has been pursuing me for so long, I feel like I owe her something. But I'll wait for your explanation...

now I'm more confused. I'm military, I do need closure of some sort as it has become distracting in all aspects of my job. And my job is dangerous with a capital D. So I ask - why?

[pelagicsands]

I want to be with her now.

She knows how you feel about her, right? I think the best thing to do it to wait this one out. Give her some time to figure out what she wants.

[torranceshipman]

Dude, seriously, take it from a girl who knows....I dated a guy who acted similar to you once....firstly, SHOW HER your post and she'll understand way more of what is going on in your mind.

 

Secondly, understand this - You are SO hot and cold and you've been so mean to her, so many times. Believe me, every single female in her life will have told you you're bad news because of the way you've acted - ultimately, she's probably reached the (right) consclusion that even if you love her, it doesn't mean a damn thing if you're going to carry on making her this miserable. She's been so loyal to you, and she sounds like a sweetie, so if you like her, start treating her with a whole lot more respect - be a guy she can rely on, with no 'i love you' one minute and hurtful, nasty messages the next....no girl deserves that, and hpw can she believe and enjoy the nice things you say, when there could be bad treatment round the corner?

 

Good luck, but you'll have to change the way you act with her, for this to stand any chance at all - she sounds like her patience has near run out. If my x-boyf had shown me a post like that it would have helped, then if he'd changed the way he'd been acting, I'd have taken him back.

[catrocks]

Wow....

Well, I agree with torranceshipman, totally. I have never been in a situation like that, but I am not the kind of person who puts up with such bs, so I would have dumped you ages ago.

But seriously, first of all she was into you and you weren't into her and when you write about that you sound very patronising. What you SHOULD have done was tell her straight away that you weren't into her, but you didn't so ok.

I don't quite understand the part about her going to Spain and you thinking she was breaking up with you and calling her to break up with her and sending those pictures - ok so if you did think she was breaking up with you (although how you got that from the messages she sent you I have no idea), you did those things to hurt her. BUT if you truly cared for her you would have called her and asked why she wanted to end it and discussed it like adults.

It really is no wonder she's finally decided she needs some space - she deserves better than what you have been giving her. The way you write makes you sound like you really don't care that much about her, and you seem much more concerned with yourself. Perhaps you should stop torturing this girl and allow her to move onto a relationship with a man who appreicates her, and at the same time perhaps you could figure out why you're so aggressive and why you seem to treat this woman so patronisingly and like *****.

Good luck though, I hope you can figure it out for both your future relationships.

[4whatItsWorth]

She has been pursuing me for so long, I feel like I owe her something.

 

Um...you sound like my ex. He loved me like nuts until I crushed his heart because he'd already broken mine. After that he was just like you - hot and cold and sometimes so mean no woman should have had to hear that. But I endured it, because I felt sorry I hurt him so much once.

 

I was like Ashley was to you - I was sweet but destroyed by a boy who didn't know better. Nowadays I'm just like him - an evil bitch! >

 

Seriously, what you owe the girl is to either start being a man and treat her like she DESERVES to be treated. Or you'll do the only honourable thing and tell her the following:

 

"You are a great and amazing girl and you deserve so much more than I can ever give you. I need to focus on myself and understand why I have been treating you this way. Maybe one day we can be together, but right now I need us to find happiness apart. Because I can't go on hurting you like this, hurting so much inside for all that has happened between us. I'm letting you go because I owe you that much."

 

I don't think you are a bad guy. I just think you're f-ed up emotionally.

[Texan]

Short answer... obviously... you f****d up. Period. No excuses, no alibis.

 

BUT.... and this one is one I apply to my own life....

 

No, you don't have to pull up with BS.... but if you're dishing it out, you have be able to expect it back. The golden rule applies... "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

 

Yes, I've met a few women in my time who feel it is ok to crap all over a guy just because she can... and yeah, there are quite a few of them out there... but the majority, in my experience, aren't that way. Most are stand-up people who are simply wanting the respect they deserve as we all do.

 

Ok, so you messed it up... now, either man up and prove to her that you're man enough to do the right thing (by your actions, not your words) or let her go to find someone who WILL do those things.

 

Maybe it's harsh... but it's honest... and right now we all need honesty more than we need the sugar coated words. Yes, we need compassion when we feel this way, but I think compassion is better served with honesty than in trying to rebuild our "fragile" (as some have put it elsewhere in the forums) egos. Take time to work on yourself and quit worrying about what might have been...

 

Ok, there's my two cents... take it for what's it worth.