Sparkey Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 Hello All, I am a completely new forum poster and also complete lost. I'm in the military, shortly after transfering to my latest duty station, I met a girl in a town that's about a two hour drive away from where I live. We liked each other, I liked her parents and sparks seemed to fly. Every weekend I would head up to her house (where she lives with her parents, she's 20 and I'm 22). I head up to her house every weekend (but we only see each other maybe 4-6 hours on friday/saturday due to her working), so she comes down tuesdays/wendsdays and we see each other for 4-6 hours since I work. About three months in to dating, I find out that she is about to break up with me but is to afraid of hurting my feelings. I confront her and ask, and we get in to a huge fight. The night comes, and I'm ready to leave when she comes in and we talk. She tells me that she wanted to break up with me because about three weeks prior I had told her that I wasn't ready for marriage, and wouldn't be for a couple of years. She didn't want to date someone who didn't want to get married. I suddently felt backed in to a corner, so my choices were to either tell her I was going to propose or we would break up. I decided on the first option. So I propose about a month or so later, things go great as always. She says yes, and we start to plan. Now, I proposed in February, and we decided to get married in June. The pressure was on, and I felt like the world was coming down on me. I decided to evaluate myself and find an answer to why I was feeling so stressed out. The eventual answer I found was that I wasn't ready to get married. I come from a divorce family (and the divorce was a horrible one, mom cheated on my dad when I was 5 so I grew up never having a mom, and knowing the pain that divorce causes). I've always told myself that I didn't want to make the same mistakes my parents did, and cause a divorce. I asked my dad what I should do, and he advised me to take things slow. So, when I realized all this, I called her on the phone and told her that I wasn't ready for marriage. Of course, she started to cry thinking I was completely breaking up with her, and then her parents started to tell her that I was seeing someone else on the side, and I wasn't hurting as badly because I wasn't crying on the phone. (Come on, guys show emotions alittle differently). Because of the way her parents said all this to her when I was on the phone, I now find a rift between them and I. A betrayal. I wasn't seeing anyone else, I was just being true to my feelings, like I should have been from the start. After all the crying was done, I told her that I don't know when I was ready to be married. It could be six months, it could be years from now. I'm totally satisfied with us being engaged because I want to be true to her. She said that was fine, and she was willing to wait. But recently, a couple weeks later after the wedding was called off, I feel a sense of distance. My fiancee is the type of girl who needs to talk every 2 hours and discuss what we did in the two hour interval. So when the night time comes, there isn't really much to talk about because we've already filled each other in on everything, and the phone is silent. I've told her that I'm not a huge phone talker because we really don't have much to talk about since we discuss everything in the day in two hour intervals. I feel guilt that we don't have the long winded conversations we had at the beginning of the relationship. When we are together, the talking never is an issue. It's just when we're apart. Even worse, her mom seems to bring up the marriage every time I come over to the house on the weekends, and it puts even more pressure on us (or me to set a date). So I guess, I've updated you on who I am and my predicament. My question(s) is this: Is it natural to not be having the long winded conversations that we used to have? How should I go about telling my fiancee that it isn't me loving her less, but rather, I have less to talk about now. I feel like when we are apart for longer then a couple days, I reevaluate our relationship, and I get the sudden feeling of dred. Yet, when we are together, things are fine. If because my parents divorce ended so horribly when I was 6, does it really play a serious role in my decision to not get married so fast? If she moved in with me, would it help out these feelings of dred since we'll be living together? I have no idea what to make of this, and I'm afraid if I don't get the help and advice, I may just tell her it's over. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 Sounds like this girl has marriage on the brain, after 3 months she was threating to break up if you didn't get married? Its no wonder that you weren't feeling right about all of this, moving in with her won't help this, and I Would not marry her at all right now until you are sure. You guys are way to young, and this is WAY to soon t jump into marriage Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 tiki is right on. Do not marry this girl. You haven't been dating long enough, and you are to young. She's idealized marriage and it has a high probablity of disaster if you rush into it. Don't feel pressured. 22 is too young. Enjoy your youth while you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 Oh my...Ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, and by the way, ditto. Waaaay too young. Big mistake. HUGE. I think that's all perfectly clear. Link to post Share on other sites
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