I'm Always Singled Out, made to look Stupid..

[Mezdar]

Hi there, 23, male here. I most concerned with my social track record over the years since childhood. The thing is, i don't believe i should be singled out. I don't feel like i'm nasty and mean, all i want to do is have a laugh, be positive and make friends. Over the course of a few jobs/ college, i have been accused of being boring, annoying, asking silly questions, talking crap, a simpleton and i am compared to hapless tv characters. In jobs i've had some managers not taking a liking to me, one saying "i was trouble" but during those times i could not say i stood up for myself. I just know if i did stand up, i would be fired. I did sometimes not take instructions correctly but i felt i got the most mimicking/bother than everyone else, in all the jobs and at college.

 

I was socially awkward at High School, and after that i was trying to catch up, wanting to become sociable, attempting to become more sociable, but all i get is too much disrespect and coldness. There's other people who would never tell me why they were'nt receptive to me, would try to avoid me, but never really had the time to get to know me. The people who would not ask questions about myself. Just make judgements too quickly i feel. I felt uneasy with these people from the start, and the uncomfortableness that led me to be too quiet towards them, and i felt if my social skills were better, i could've turned things around.

 

Really, there are times i feel people have made such a big fuss over me being suppoesedly talking crap,(they don't give me the time to explain myself)annoying and boring, it's giving all of us a showing up to other classmates/viewers, as they must be wondering "wtf?". Yes, i do get on with some people, but there's i think maybe i'm still not likeable enough to be a friend. Negativity i seem to bring effortlessly to social groups while thats not my aim. I'm always convinced they are ones in the wrong, they're the ones being cheeky and disrespectful.

 

Previously, i had never really built up much social skills at High school at all, to get ready for the adult world, and now, i'm improving, talking more, but i get it all thrown back in my face, and it sickens me. Sure i have my moments, but i am left disappointed overall. For the record, i'm of average build, average height and good looks (without trying to sound boastful).

 

This is also having an effect on my working career, i feel like in a job i might not be able to work of a team if people want to keep a distance from me, and getting involved in quarrels with management. It's also the same thought about having to go to another year at college, which i do not know if i can stand another year of being singled out. I would like to do bar work again, because it's a social job. I want to be a people person, and i guess some don't see it that way. However, i am well prepared to shun regular jobs and college by building money making schemes online . I am confident that i can make a career online, by selling on ebay, like various things, like concert tickets.

 

Where do you think it's all going wrong on the social aspect? Its a hard question to answer, i know.

[norajane]

People are usually friendly if you ask them questions about themselves, and are genuinely interested in their answers, rather than talking about yourself. But it sounds like you rub people the wrong way.

 

Have you ever asked one of your friends or family to be completely honest and tell you what it is about you that makes people uncomfortable? What it is about you in social situations that turns people off?

 

i have been accused of being

 

boring - usually someone who talks about only themselves, or talks endlessly about subjects that are of no interest to anyone else

 

annoying - can be any number of characteristics or habits - need to be more specific on that

 

asking silly questions - do you? do you ask questions you know the answers to? questions that make no sense or have nothing to do with what everyone else/your boss/coworkers/etc. are talking about?

 

talking crap - do you? what kind of crap? do you make stuff up, or talk about things that don't matter to anyone? do you boast?

a simpleton - you don't write as though you're stupid. Are there concepts which are hard for you to grasp? In what context? Can you do more preparation/studying beforehand so that you can understand the subject better?

 

and i am compared to hapless tv characters - Do you not get other people's jokes? Is your sense of humor different from other people? Are things always going wrong for you? Do you lose things? Are clumsy?

 

 

You might also look up Asperger's Syndrome. One of its hallmarks is social difficulties:

 

from wikipedia:

 

Although there is no single feature that all people with AS share, difficulties with social behavior are nearly universal and are one of the most important defining criteria. People with AS lack the natural ability to see the subtexts of social interaction, and may lack the ability to communicate their own emotional state, resulting in well-meaning remarks that may offend, or finding it hard to know what is "acceptable". The unwritten rules of social behavior that mystify so many with AS have been termed the "hidden curriculum".[21] People with AS must learn these social skills intellectually through seemingly contrived, dry, math-like logic rather than intuitively through normal emotional interaction.[22]

 

Non-autistics are able to gather information about other people's cognitive and emotional states based on clues gleaned from the environment and other people's facial expression and body language, but, in this respect, people with AS are impaired; this is sometimes called mind-blindness.[23][24] Mind-blindness is also known as a lack of theory of mind.[25] Without theory of mind, AS individuals lack the ability to recognize and understand the thoughts and feelings of others. Deprived of this insightful information, they are unable to interpret or understand the desires or intentions of others and thereby are unable to predict what to expect of others or what others may expect of them. This often leads to social awkwardness and inappropriate behavior. In Asperger's Syndrome: Intervening in Clinics, Schools and Communities, Tony Attwood categorizes the many ways that lack of "theory of mind" can negatively impact the social interactions of people with Asperger's:[25]

1. Difficulty reading the social and emotional messages in the eyes - People with AS don't look at eyes often, and when they do, they can't read them.
   
2. Making literal interpretation - AS individuals have trouble interpreting colloquialisms, sarcasm, and metaphors.
   
3. Being considered disrespectful and rude - prone to egocentric behavior, individuals with Asperger's miss cues and warning signs that this behavior is inappropriate.
   
4. Honesty and deception - children with Asperger's are often considered "too honest" and have difficulty being deceptive, even at the expense of hurting someone's feelings.
   
5. Becoming aware of making social errors - as children with Asperger's mature, and become aware of their inability to connect, their fear of making a social mistake, and their self-criticism when they do so, can lead to social phobia.
   
6. A sense of paranoia - because of their inability to connect, persons with Asperger's have trouble distinguishing the difference between the deliberate or accidental actions of others, which can in turn lead to a feeling of paranoia.
   
7. Managing conflict - being unable to understand other points of view can lead to inflexibility and an inability to negotiate conflict resolution. Once the conflict is resolved, remorse may not be evident.
   
8. Awareness of hurting the feelings of others - a lack of empathy often leads to unintentionally offensive or insensitive behaviors.
   
9. Repairing someone's feelings - lacking intuition about the feelings of others, people with AS have little understanding of how to console someone or how to make them feel better.
   
10. Recognizing signs of boredom - inability to understand other people's interests can lead AS persons to be inattentive to others. Conversely, people with AS often fail to notice when others are uninterested.
    
11. Introspection and self-consciousness - individuals with AS have difficulty understanding their own feelings or their impact on the feelings of other people.
    
12. Clothing and personal hygiene - people with AS tend to be less affected by peer pressure than others. As a result, they often do what is comfortable and are unconcerned about their impact on others.
    
13. Reciprocal love and grief - since people with AS have difficulty emotionally, their expressions of affection and grief are often short and weak.
    
14. Understanding of embarrassment and faux pas - although persons with AS have an intellectual understanding of embarrassment and faux pas, they are unable to grasp concepts on an emotional level.
    
15. Coping with criticism - people with AS are compelled to correct mistakes, even when they are made by someone in a position of authority, such as a teacher. For this reason, they can be unwittingly offensive.
    
16. Speed and quality of social processing - because they respond through reasoning and not intuition, AS individuals tend to process social information more slowly than the norm, leading to uncomfortable pauses or delays in response. This means that although the AS individual will tend to make a more reasoned and balanced understanding and/or decision, it can lead to the AS individual being told to use their 'common sense' to solve problems, a concept they cannot understand or use in the way a neurotypical person can.
    
17. Exhaustion - as people with AS begin to understand theory of mind, they must make a deliberate effort to process social information. This often leads to mental exhaustion.

There's a lot more information on the Wikipedia entry, and tons more online if this sounds at all like your situation.

 

And, btw, make your millions online if you can, but finish getting your college degree. It's worth getting.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I want to be a people person, and i guess some don't see it that way...

 

Where do you think it's all going wrong on the social aspect?

 

I think it's going wrong because you are trying to be a people person.

 

Either you are a people person or you are not.

 

When you are it is all very natural, you sort of make friends with everybody.

 

When you are not and you try to be, you become the pest.

 

It seems like you are trying too hard.

 

Why do you want to be friends with those people anyway?

 

I'd say just do whatever it is that you do, go to school, work, talk to people only when it's required, be polite, and if you meet someone that is a kindred spirit (you'll recognize that, someone you like as a friend) then you can become friends with that person.

 

Ariadne

[johan]

I've seen you post some about some interesting things you do that might keep you on the fringes of normal society, if people were aware of them. I'm not critical of any of it, but it could be that people find it hard to accept how you express yourself.

 

So how much are they aware?

 

Maybe you'll have more success seeking out people who share your tastes.

 

I've known people who have a hard time being accepted into social groups that I was a part of. For instance, we've hired people onto our team who for various reasons haven't fit in very well. That's always going to happen.

 

Paradoxically, it's often easier to fit in when you don't try to fit in very hard. I think the key is that you take the pressure off of others and show them that you'll accept a relationship on reduced terms. Let them come to you. Those who aren't interested won't. Those who might be will. And those are the ones who you can build a base with. The key is to just be patient and live within yourself, but be open and accepting of others. Over time you'll start to feel better.

 

That's all I have.

[Hitman10000]

My money's on Norajane's assertion that you could have some autistic tendencies (Asperger's?) I'm on the same boat. Sometimes in social situations I find myself totally awkward unable to pick up emotional/social cues, sometimes I do things that are out of the social norm as well. I'm still struggling but what I found is that you should think before you speak instead of blurt out stuff because it might come out weird to others when to yourself it's normal. Unfortunately to get ahead in the real world or to attain positions of better pay/authority you have to communicate properly otherwise people will see your awkwardness and take advantage of it.

 

And another thing is that by being awkward it brings the bully out of someone who appears to be normal. Bullies like to exploit someone's weaknesses and the only defense against that is by thinking before saying or thinking before doing. Because what you think in your head is something they cannot interpret.