Father Issues

[Ariadne]

Hi guys,

 

I noticed that no matter what I do, men and my father go hand in hand.

 

I've had an emotionally unavailable father and for some reason, every man I fall in love with is emotionally unavailable. Maybe this is just coincidence, I don't know.

 

The thing is, the man I love, Denver guy, has abandoned me.

 

Well, he got engaged to someone else and that person told him not to talk to me ever again, because it bothered her and knowing him, he never did.

 

I understand Denver guy, I know him enough, I know that girl is important to him and he is engaged to her etc etc etc...

 

But the fact of the matter is, he abandoned me. And he didn't even say goodbye to me, after writing to each other every day for over a year. She wrote to me to let me know I would never hear from him again.

 

So now, I came to "demonize" my father.

 

In my mind suddenly he became the most horrible, meanest, psychopath human being in the face of the planet.

 

And I've never been this way with my father. Sure, I've had my disagreements with him, he is a controlling man that likes to abuse his power to make other people do what he wants them to do.

 

But still, is like now he became the devil himself.

 

I went to visit my parents for three months and the last month I was there I wouldn't even talk to him and leave the room whenever he showed up. I never felt so much dislike for him before like I do now.

 

And come to thing about it, I believe it has to do with Denver guy's abandonment. Is like I'm taking it on on him.

 

What do you guys think? Is that even possible?

 

Ariadne

[KeysGirl07]

Yep, for some reason women tend to pick men similar to their fathers. My dad was a control freak, very domineering, narcisstic and selfish. I've dated and married/divorced the same types to the point life is easier being single.

 

There's nothing more that I hate is a man who smothers me and wants to know my every move. The minute a man starts whining "Where are you? Why don't you spend more time with me? Don't go out with your friends.

 

I say "SEE YA!".

 

My dad was a royal a-hole to my mom - he controlled her, cheated on her, made her depend on him for everything. No thank you!

 

Maybe that's why I'm super independent - which is a good thing (except men don't like that) - I don't need a man. I prefer a partner - someone who is equal - but very few men are confident enough to be like that.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Thanks for the response.

 

The question is, I suppose, that my relationship with my father has changed.

 

I have never been in non-speaking terms with him before. And I didn't mean for it to get this bad.

 

The way I figured it out (when I was staying there for these months), was that I finally realized I didn't like him.

 

I was always trying to please him when growing up, or hoping he'd be proud of me, and when I visited before I'd almost force myself to chat with him or to spend some sort of quality time even sharing some task or watching a movie. This last time, I figured that it was pointless to do any of that stuff because the truth was that I didn't even like him. (I felt yuck).

 

I guess his merit is that he supported me when I was a child. I guess that's pretty much, too. And I understand that there is a reason why there are people like him in the world, the same way that there are any kind of people, but that doesn't mean I have to like them. So that was more or less my reaction and conclusion.

 

But then, I started to think that this whole mess could be not due to the fact that I realized I didn't like him, but the fact that Denver guy is in non-speaking terms with me and I'm reflecting all those feelings onto him and reacting in a weird way.

 

Which would be very unfair of me, since he has nothing to do with that, and that was the question.

 

I guess only I can answer that, dunno, it's confusing.

 

Ariadne

[polywog]

Hey Ariadne, this is good fodder for therapy, to exorcise that pain and abandonement you've been projecting onto your relationships with men.

 

My dad died when I was 5, and it turned out that I had all this pain, anger, and abandonment stuff festering in my soul. I dealt with in therapy, and though it will always be a part of who I am, I gained insight. I try to put it into practice , but I also tend to choose remote men... at least I have become aware of it and have something concrete to work with.

 

Anyhow, sounds like Mr.Denverguy is a good catalyst for you to deal with these issues, which is kind of a gift.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Anyhow, sounds like Mr.Denverguy is a good catalyst for you to deal with these issues, which is kind of a gift.

 

Argh... I don't know.

 

The situation was very horrible, I couldn't wait to leave the house and he didn't even go to the airport to say goodbye.

 

Just yesterday I called my mom and he answered the phone and I hung up.

 

I really don't know what to do or how to deal with this, I don't want to be in bad terms with him either but I don't know how not to.

 

I try and think of good things about him, something, but I think of his face and I think of someone fake and mean who made my mom a martyr (hopefully I'll change this perception some day).

 

I guess that was her lesson too, to end up with him, so she must have learned whatever it was for her to learn so it can't be that bad if you see it this way.

 

It's weird.

 

Thanks for your response and sorry about you having to see that horrible scene from the window, ack, hope you are feeling better. xoxoxo

 

Ariadne

[polywog]

Hi,

 

Anyhow, sounds like Mr.Denverguy is a good catalyst for you to deal with these issues, which is kind of a gift.

 

Argh... I don't know.

 

The situation was very horrible, I couldn't wait to leave the house and he didn't even go to the airport to say goodbye.

 

Just yesterday I called my mom and he answered the phone and I hung up.

 

I really don't know what to do or how to deal with this, I don't want to be in bad terms with him either but I don't know how not to.

 

I try and think of good things about him, something, but I think of his face and I think of someone fake and mean who made my mom a martyr (hopefully I'll change this perception some day).

 

I guess that was her lesson too, to end up with him, so she must have learned whatever it was for her to learn so it can't be that bad if you see it this way.

 

It's weird.

 

Thanks for your response and sorry about you having to see that horrible scene from the window, ack, hope you are feeling better. xoxoxo

 

Ariadne

 

Whoah, did I miss something??? Is Denverdude with Your Mom????? No way!!!!

 

Thanks for the sentiments about the icky window experience on my sad thread. What I did not post is that a few days later I ran into her walking my dog (that's how I reconised her) and I introduced myself (!). We actually took a little walk together, at her invitation, not as bad as it sounds. She is very sweet, and we did not talk about my ex at all. She is not pretty, or smart, and she is kind of dumpy and weak looking, which helped me, evil as it is for me to admit, get over the hurdle. Anyhow, what's with your mother????

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Wow, you actually talked to her? You seem like a cool girl polywog.

 

(And yeah, that window thing was awful)

 

Anyhow, what's with your mother????

 

No, no, Denver guy and my mom live in two different continents. I was saying for my mother to have to live with my father.

 

I stayed with my parents for three months a few months ago.

 

Ariadne

[polywog]

Hi,

 

Wow, you actually talked to her? You seem like a cool girl polywog.

 

(And yeah, that window thing was awful)

 

Anyhow, what's with your mother????

 

No, no, Denver guy and my mom live in two different continents. I was saying for my mother to have to live with my father.

 

I stayed with my parents for three months a few months ago.

 

Ariadne

 

Whew....thank god! I misunderstood your thread! I get it now.

 

I guess maybe I'm sort of cool because I'm basicly a woman's woman. And luckily, am not perticularly jealous (it helps that she's no babe:p). And she is with a guy I loved, so I reckon we have something in common. She was cool to invite me to walk with her, altho maybe she felt trapped because my dog was so happy to see me. Anyhow, we had a great talk about her family; she lost both parents recently, and I actually gave her some advice on dealing with her domineering siblings in dividing the estate. She is a sweet innocent type of woman, and I liked her. Plus I've no doubt that my ex will bring her some pain down the road; he was unhappy with my weight

(thought I was too fat at 120lbs, WTF!!! He has Issues....poor jerk) and she's heavier and less in shape than I am, so he'll pull the same sh*t with her, I'm sure.... Girls Unite.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

maybe she felt trapped because my dog was so happy to see me.

 

Haha

 

She is a sweet innocent type of woman, and I liked her. Plus I've no doubt that my ex will bring her some pain down the road;

 

You seem like a pretty fine lady yourself, I don't see he made such an improvement. But with those things you never know.

 

At least you won't feel so uncomfortable when go get your things for the moving out (if she stays that is, seems like she's staying longer than was said).

 

he was unhappy with my weight (thought I was too fat at 120lbs, WTF!!! He has Issues....poor jerk) and she's heavier and less in shape than I am

 

Maybe he was just saying that, he probably didn't know what else to say since you fixed the house and you seem to be understanding and all of that.

 

Good luck with all,

 

Ariadne

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Hi guys,

 

I noticed that no matter what I do, men and my father go hand in hand.

 

I've had an emotionally unavailable father and for some reason, every man I fall in love with is emotionally unavailable. Maybe this is just coincidence, I don't know.

 

The thing is, the man I love, Denver guy, has abandoned me.

 

Well, he got engaged to someone else and that person told him not to talk to me ever again, because it bothered her and knowing him, he never did.

 

I understand Denver guy, I know him enough, I know that girl is important to him and he is engaged to her etc etc etc...

 

But the fact of the matter is, he abandoned me. And he didn't even say goodbye to me, after writing to each other every day for over a year. She wrote to me to let me know I would never hear from him again.

 

So now, I came to "demonize" my father.

 

In my mind suddenly he became the most horrible, meanest, psychopath human being in the face of the planet.

 

And I've never been this way with my father. Sure, I've had my disagreements with him, he is a controlling man that likes to abuse his power to make other people do what he wants them to do.

 

But still, is like now he became the devil himself.

 

I went to visit my parents for three months and the last month I was there I wouldn't even talk to him and leave the room whenever he showed up. I never felt so much dislike for him before like I do now.

 

And come to thing about it, I believe it has to do with Denver guy's abandonment. Is like I'm taking it on on him.

 

What do you guys think? Is that even possible?

 

Ariadne

 

Ariadne,

 

Sometimes we make scapegoats of the people that are the easiest to take our anger and frustration out on.

 

I understand that your father's emotional unavailability might have left you a bit needy, somewhere. But whatever this Denver guy is doing, is NOT because of your Dad.

 

First of all, I don't think any set of parents is perfect. Some are better than others, but they are human beings in the end, and they WILL make mistakes. We will make mistakes too, when we raise kids.

 

Some parents do indeed injure their kids psychologically and emotionally to a greater degree. But in the end it's up to the individual to make what he / she wants, out of it. Demonizing your parents will NOT help you in solving your problems. If anything, it's an escape route - because we don't like assuming responsibility for our actions, we blame them.

 

You need to stop blaming your father for the Denver guy episode. Please separate the two. Sort it out with Denver guy, he's the person in question here.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Thank you.

 

Sometimes we make scapegoats of the people that are the easiest to take our anger and frustration out on.

 

Yeah, I'm afraid that's what's going on.

 

I thought I had figured out something when I noticed I wasn't comfortable being around him, but after that things started getting from bad to worse to the point of not speaking.

 

And I really don't like this situation. It makes me sad.

 

But whatever this Denver guy is doing, is NOT because of your Dad.

 

No, I never meant it this way. I haven't heard from Denver guy in over a year.

 

What I meant was that I was seeing my father under a worse light because things didn't work out with Denver guy. The scapegoat thing.

 

I wasn't even sure if it had anything to do in the first place, but that was sort of the question.

 

Some are better than others, but they are human beings in the end, and they WILL make mistakes. We will make mistakes too, when we raise kids.

 

The problem I had here was that I thought he was a bad person. Mistakes I don't mind, but I was perceiving him as mean when I was there. Someone cunning, fake, evil, and abusive.

 

Not sure what on earth got into me.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Hi guys,

 

I figured it out.

 

It was his lesson.

 

When I was visiting their house, I'd have great moments of connection with my father. And I know he was very happy during those.

 

For example, he went to the hospital to have some study done, and afterwards he had a lot of pain. So he wanted me to touch him because with my touch his pain went away as I soothed him.

 

One time he made a phone call that stressed him very much, so he was sitting trying to do something and I could see his hands were trembling, so I sat next to him and started to do some task together and he completely relaxed.

 

I'm very similar to my father genetically, so I have a great way to connect with him I believe more than anyone else. Because our minds work very similarly, except that our behavior is the extreme opposite.

 

What happened was that whenever I connected with him and did something nice together, the rejection I felt for him the next following days tripled. I just couldn't help it, it was visceral. And I not one to override that when it happens, I stay away.

 

At the end of my staying my rejection for him was overwhelming, piercing, and I know he felt it deeply.

 

Now, if I went there again, I'd have absolutely no bad feelings for him anymore. Is like I'm over all of that all of the sudden. It's gone.

 

If I ever see him again that is, if I ever go there, which I hope.

 

And now I realize the lesson.

 

He has been abusive all of his life with everybody he could. And I think his own daughter's rejection, with whom he felt so happy and connected at times, was the only way to wake him up. It just happened.

 

I have spoken to my mother and she tells me that he's been very supportive. He wouldn't let her out of the house or see other people before (he'd get angry and make her life miserable), and lately my mother has been taking courses (crafts, women's stuff) and he's been happy for her to see her enjoying going out and doing her own things.

 

So, I guess it turned out for the best.

 

I'm going to have to tell him that I don't dislike him anymore, because now I absolutely don't.

 

Ariadne

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

This is not just because of Father's Day drawing near, is it?

 

Kidding. I'm glad you're feeling differently about all this, Ariadne.

[Ariadne]

Hey you,

 

Nah, this has all been very weird.

 

I don't know what happened to me.

 

They have a different Father's Day over there, I'm never sure when that is.

 

Thanks,

 

Ariadne