CONFUSEDgirl2 Posted April 30, 2007 Share Posted April 30, 2007 my question is simple: do i choose the fiance or the long time crush? business partner is also longtime crush. very juvenille situation but situations have pointed out that the crush may be my destiny. let's put it this way: when i told my associates, friends, and family that i was engaged they assumed it was to the crush (albeit no one EVER knew i was crushing on him). He flirts with me in a junior highish kind of way yet has a tremendous amount of respect for me which might be the reason why he has never made any advances. we admire each other. the crush is the complete opposite of me i might add yet we have those occasions where we are in the same rhealm and just on the verge of something R rated. Perhaps its my fantastical mind...what i would want...but its a really strong feeling that pervades my mind where i can no longer look at him. at those moments (and mind you these are occasions at work where there are others around) he just gazes into me...and he's not shy about it. It's sharing those moments every now and then...those moments are the things i obsess about. those moments are why i sometimes wish i never met him. so i may as well be frank that i've had to ditch a couple friends because of their insistence that i lose my fiance and follow the crush because of their 'gut feeling that ____ is the one'. Okay. We're adults here. Young 20's but nevertheless adults. Their constant reminders to ditch my fiance have contributed to my recent obsession with the crush... and.... my fiance dreams about me...with the crush. he's told me that it sickens him to say it (and he really does say it with disgust as if i have cheated) but he knows there is something with me and the crush. i have to deny deny deny for fear of losing what i have. i have never done anything with the crush but it seems like it's hinging on a possible future encounter. i have a great life right now. why follow something i'm not sure exists? i dont' KNOW that the crush likes me...though many swear he has it for me. I might be the stupidist idiot on earth not to see it, but perhaps he's afraid of messing up our work situation. so the other night i grew the balls to tell the crush that my engagement is hanging by a strand of hair...all over him and he was like, "WHAT?! ...me?!" and it was really really awkward for me to confess that my fiance and friends "swear i'm going to marry you." The crush had NO time to react to my revelation (although he seemed stunned) because right then...my FIANCE walked up to us and started small talking with us. It was strange and the crush ended up saying we'll deal with business later ("call me tomorrow") I suppose he wanted my fiance to think that we were going to discuss business? I haven't called him since and he isn't making the motion to call me. What does this mean? Should you trust the strong "feelings" of the people close to you who swear i am going to end up with crush? should i compromise what i already have (which is a wonderful relationship...albiet his dreams)? to clarify my earlier use of the word "obsession" i mean it in the healthiest way in that i have a crush on this guy where i have the butterflies again. you know what i mean? where your heart palpitates at the thought of hearing his voice? i feel so terrible that i have these feelings of wonder and what if. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 Don't marry your fiance. You need to take time to figure out who you want to spend the rest of your life with...If you aren't sure if you're marrying the right person, you may end up cheating so you can be with your crush! And, that's not fair to your fiance. He deserves to marry someone who is completely inlove with him ONLY. Imagine how you would feel if your fiance had feelings for another woman too...I think you'd want him to marry you for love, not out of convience or being familiar. Right now your fiance KNOWS something is up, he's having dreams about this, so maybe you need to tell him the truth of what you're feeling inside. Don't stay with him out of fear of being alone.... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 Should you trust the strong "feelings" of the people close to you who swear i am going to end up with crush? should i compromise what i already have (which is a wonderful relationship...albiet his dreams)? If you have to ask these questions, you certainly don't belong with your fiancee. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. You should not make such a commitment when you are considering another partner. It's not fair to your fiancee, and it shows you are NOT actually committed at all to your fiancee. Break up with your fiancee and then see what's what with the crush. Regardless of whether you and the crush can make it work, your fiancee deserves the opportunity to be free and to meet someone who can wholeheartedly appreciate him and love him the way he loves you. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndIINone Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 my fiance dreams about me...with the crush. he's told me that it sickens him to say it (and he really does say it with disgust as if i have cheated) but he knows there is something with me and the crush. i have to deny deny deny for fear of losing what i have. i have never done anything with the crush but it seems like it's hinging on a possible future encounter. I only feel bad for the fiance'. Poor guy is probably sweatin' your coworker day and night.... with the 'gut' feeling that something is goin' on with you two... and sure enough... you let your heart stray.... all while denying, denying, denying it all to your fiance' and most likely making him look and feel like a fool. Turns out he's right.... he just don't know it yet. If you had feelings for your partner all this time, then you shouldn't have accepted the engagement ring. Adults??? Nahhh.... a mature 'adult' wouldn't be in the situation you got yourself into. Break things off with the fiance... now... in order to save him from a lifetime of tears. Harsh? maybe... but also brutal truth. Link to post Share on other sites
searchingforanswers Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 I'm in agreement with the others. My ex-fiance left me about five months ago. It still hurts, but I can't imagine it being worse than going through a divorce later on. If you are dreaming about others, if you are not dreaming about your own wedding and your own future together I would have to say you should not marry this man. It's not fair to either of you and you'll both be unhappy in the end. Because of the efforts and energy you put towards your crush you are making yourself emotionally unavailable to your fiance. That is not part of the recipe for a successful marriage. It's better to walk away now and take some time to think about what it is that you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 Don't even consider getting married if you're not able to commit to your existing relationship. You owe your fiancé the freedom to find someone who considers him a priority. After that, do whatever you want. It's your life. Link to post Share on other sites
supernova Posted May 6, 2007 Share Posted May 6, 2007 yep you're afraid you'll lose your fiance who may be the best thing that has ever happened to you but you need to tell him that you're sorry and don't want to hurt him but that you think it's better for you to postpone marriage until you're sure you're ready to commit. He will be upset of course but he will respect you for your honesty. it's true you may come to the realisation that your fiance is your destiny and you may end up losing him because of postponing the marriage but that is the risk you have to take and it's better than marrying him, figuring out it's not right and divorcing him. you'll feel a huge sense of relief by breaking up with your fiance to sort yourself out. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts