Where do YOU draw the line?

[MusicLover01]

Hey all:

 

6 yrs a married guy, together for 10, 2 kids.

 

There are a number of unhealthy factors in the relationship (as with ANY relationship), but how do you know where to draw the line? If there are no clearly drawn lines such as physical abuse, etc. If you feel you would both be happier and able to find something more healthy - in the long run - after the short term pain, of course?

 

How have others here known when to move on with the absence of something very obvious such as physical abuse? All input is appreciated.

[PWSX3]

Hey all:

 

6 yrs a married guy, together for 10, 2 kids.

 

There are a number of unhealthy factors in the relationship (as with ANY relationship), but how do you know where to draw the line?

I feel the first thing you have to remember is it takes two to get where you are at, then you have to work on what "you" can do, not what problems you feel your spouse has.

I feel you need to decide if you want to work on the relationship?

You point out that there are a number of unhealthy factors in your relationship so the first thing would be to see what "you" could do to better those situations. Don't look at your spouse and say; he/she does this or that, but to look at yourself and say; maybe if I would do this or that I could make a difference....It may work, or it may not but its worth a try.

If there are no clearly drawn lines such as physical abuse, etc. If you feel you would both be happier and able to find something more healthy - in the long run - after the short term pain, of course?

 

How have others here known when to move on with the absence of something very obvious such as physical abuse? All input is appreciated.

You haven't really told us much about your situation, but do you feel your spouse feels the same way?

I have to quote something Gunny told me back when my W moved out and that was to educate yourself about marriage, read books and try to understand how two people can have different opinions on the same subject.

 

Even now that my W has moved back I can say something and she might take it completely different then how I did, but she will ask me a question to make sure she is understanding what I meant and a lot of times it isn't what I meant so we are able to get back on the same path and it has really helped.

 

I just know it starts with that person you see in the mirror in the morning and until that person can say; I've put 100% into our marriage and its not working so now what? I feel its not fair to walk out because you weren't happy and didn't think things are going well.

 

Hopefully others will give you some good insite as well, but I feel reading and learning about marriage is very important, I know I have learned more in the last 7 months then I have in 25 years of marriage.

[MusicLover01]

Wow. Great insight! Thank you SO much! What you're referring to is exactly what my counselor has been talking to me about as well (improving myself). I gotta be able to know that I gave it 100%. Very true. Very good advice, and thank you for taking the time to offer it.

 

As far as learning more in the past 7 months than in 25 years of marriage....WOW. That really shows just how complicated this stuff is. Well you know, now that I think about it....I too can say I've learned more in the past 7 months than than in the past almost 7 years of marriage.

 

Thanks again.

[PWSX3]

Just hang out here and read, read, read. It has helped me so much in my relationship.

 

I hope I am one of the lucky ones & me & my W get back together, but I still learn each day from others. Maybe there situation is different but it all bowls down to; all relationships are a WORK in process.

[Gunny376]

I’ve advocated "manning-up" from time to time, and being an "Alpha Man~Male" means many things to different people. But just to clarify, I submit the following.

 

Being an AM (Alpha Male ~ Man) is most of all about being self confident, self assured that you can handle anything that life throws at you, and keep coming back for more. Its about getting knocked down by Life and getting back up again and again.

 

Its about being balanced and being for the most part of in control of your emotions instead of your being ruled by your emotions. Its about being in control of the one thing that any of us truly have control of ~ ourselves.

Its not about being a cartoon character of "tough", nor being a jerk.

 

An AM’s genuine masculinity compliments the femininity ~ its not about just being gutsy assertive, and aggressive ~ its about have a pair of real cojones.

 

The AM demonstrates time and time again how true toughness compares to the pseudo kind. He never hesitates to "just do the right thing, because in his heart of hearts he knows it’s the right thing to do. He sees what needs to be done ~ and does it. He may not like it, but then "like" doesn’t have a damn thing to do with it.

 

He’s not, and never has been afraid of expressing, whether he’s appropriately moved to tears, or expressing with his vigor his love for the people (male or female) that matter most in his life.

The primary thing that a genuine AM is willing to do is to be honest about himself and with himself and make the necessary changes that he needs to make. He perpetually identifies his weaknesses and seeks to overcome them.

 

He understands that a significant part of being a man is knowing when you’ve made a mistake and shutting up and listening when the woman in your life is right.

 

A real AM is always willing to take a deep introspective look at themselves, and a lot of times that takes real guts. Its have the strength to be weak, Its standing up for yourself, and not being walked on without being cruel to the opposing party.

 

We all will over the course of our lives experience many trials, and many of those trials will endear crises, this one is buy one of many. If you fail to draw a line in the sand and make a stand when and where will you do so, if ever?

 

The simple truth of the matter is that most people that get married don’t have a clue as to how to be successfully married. You need to start reading, I would suggest your local library. The internet is a great resource as well. I’ll post some suggested reading and sites to you later.

[Gunny376]

Like I said, I'll post you some suggested readings and links later on today.

 

(Mon and Tue is my weekend and I'm too tired from doing all my Suzzy Homemaker chores)

 

But just to give you something to think about!

 

Don't go to thinking that going back to the single life is easy. Once you've been been married ~ its hard going back to the life you had before you were married. Its not for the weak minded, nor the weak hearted. Its like being a deaf & blind mine sweeper! All you can do is stomp your feet and hope you don't step in the wrong place!

 

Marriage is an institution ~ and you've been institutionalized. Watch "Shakshank Redemtion" and you'll get the idea!

[MusicLover01]

Thanks so much for the great advice, Gunny! I'll be looking forward to the reading material! I've bought a couple books and looking to get more as well. You're very correct when you say that most of us have no idea what it is like to be married. And the institutionalized analogy - outstanding and very correct!

[Gunny376]

I’d said that I would get back with you, and I am ~ although I’ve had a hard last couple of days.

 

First of all I want you to Goggle ~ Carlos Xuma’s e-book "Secrets of the Alpha Male" it’s a prelude to his dating material, but what you need to do is to find your center of conscious. Reading his book will help you get all the Femi~Nazi and Hollywerid crap out of your brain housing group.

Most anything by Dr. Phil is good to go. To include "Relationship Rescue" and "Self Matters" along with the adjacent workbook. Do the work they require of you. Before you can work on your marriage ~ you’ve got to work on yourself.

 

You need to check out the book "Divorcebusters" and the website by the same name, as well as "MarriageBuilders" but don’t get caught up in the drama of the forums.

 

More to come ~ keep posting, you've much to learn "Grasshopper"

[Gunny376]

This sounds crazy ~ I know!

 

1. Take up a musical instrument

 

2. Take up martial arts (And don't think for a minute because you're a fifth degree black belt that some kid from South Philly can't and won't kick your azz!

 

I know!!!!!! I begged that little 100 pound azz kid SOB to let go of my little finger that chopped on my finger to the bone! Just glad the SOB didn't go for the "boys"

[MusicLover01]

Thanks SO much for the great resources, Gunny! I will definitely be doing lots of reading. I actually bought "Self Matters" last weekend and have just started reading it. I think I have lots of work to do on myself....unfortunately probably due to how I grew up.

 

As for musical instruments, I do play guitar. It has been my passion ever since I was a kid. I'm currently trying to master it. I think I need to master myself a little more first though.

 

Sorry to hear you had a rough weekend. Thanks so much for getting back with me! I do appreciate it.

[PWSX3]

As for musical instruments, I do play guitar. It has been my passion ever since I was a kid. I'm currently trying to master it. I think I need to master myself a little more first though.

Not to get this off topic, but have you ever seen Tommy Emmanuel? He is THEY BEST guitar player I have ever seen & if you get a chance check him out. He tours all over the place. You can also google his web site & I think they have some sample music but he is a LOT BETTER in person.

 

You have the right idea, work on making yourself a better person. I agree with Dr. G (Gunny) we can never learn to much. You might read one book and only learn one thing, but pick up another and learn five things but you are still learning.

 

My Granpa told me; the day he stopped learning was the day they put him in the ground & he died at 100yrs old even in his last days he would have people read to him.

[Gunny376]

My Granpa told me; the day he stopped learning was the day they put him in the ground & he died at 100yrs old even in his last days he would have people read to him.

 

:laugh: One of my mantras is "The day you stop learning is the day you start dying!" :lmao: