Had an affair - his wife found out

[Guest]

I am not proud of what I'm about to say and I have no clue if this is the forum to talk about this. I just don't know where else to go. I am married for almost 10 years now and have two children. I've been unhappy for years and I'm not even sure why. My husband is a great man, great father but I, personally, am just not happy. I have been unhappy for years and have only stayed out of fear of what I'd do on my own and now for my kids sake.

 

I have always been faithful to him, until this past month. I have been having an affair with a married man. His kids are pretty much grown, mine are very young. This man and I have been attracted to each other for 6/7 years I guess. We work fairly closely. We finally had to act on them this past month. Nothing before this was an affair whatsoever. There was no emotional affair, nothing before this past month. This man and I are so in love. The first minute we were together (not sexually) I was so comfortable with him I felt like we'd been together for an eternity. He felt the same way.

 

Well, his wife found out yesterday about us and now I have no clue what is going to happen. This guy and I have been talking for a bit now about wanting to be together permanently, to leave our marriages but we weren't sure how. We knew we wanted to leave on our terms, not because we were found out. Well, that's not the case now. His wife knows, and I truly honestly feel terrible about this. This man is a LOT older than I am. I feel terrible because I knew I wanted a life w/him, but I also knew he's not far from retirement (10 years, maybe at the most), his kids are pretty much grown, and now if we were to be together he'd be going backwards in life. He'd be helping me raise two small children, not getting to just get up and go wherever he wants whenever he wants. He says he thinks he can handle that, that he wants to handle it, but I'm so unsure.

 

I really don't know where I'm going with this. I'm so afraid to leave my husband only because of my children. My husband is so happy in our marriage, but he knows I'm not. We are in counseling now, but it's not helping me. I have told myself for over a year now that I will stay in this marriage until my kids are much older, but that is so far away I don't think I can do that. I feel like my hand is being twisted here now because his wife found out and he's going to move out. He told me to take my time and decide what I want to do, he's putting no pressure on me but I feel so pressured. I feel pressured because I'm feeling so selfish for wanting to leave and not even thinking about my children.

 

I could go on and on about this forever. Does anyone have any insight? Anything, I'm so desperate. Anyone go through this?

[mrmaximum]

Hey Guest. Here is the sitch IMO. You need to leave, ASAP. You are staying in this marriage for the wrong reason. Your hubby loves you and is devoted to this marriage, and you are doing a deservice to him, your kids and yourself. While I have no kids, my fiancee has always told me this gem of wisdom over and over again. "Children would rather come from a broken home than live in one." Kids have a funny way of sensing the tension between you and your hubby and they will then believe it is their fault, even if it really isn't. This isn't what you want, that is not an effective way of protecting them. The choice is up to you, yet you have to realize, everyone involved here should be happy, you, your husband, your kids, everyone. This therefore may mean without you in the household or with mommy and daddy divorced. The ball is in your court, think about their well being and then the example you need to set for them.

[whichwayisup]

You need to come clean and tell your husband the truth. You owe him that much, and honestly, it's best he hears about the affair from you and not the OM's wife...Because chances are she COULD very well find out information about you, your husband, where you live and decide to spill the beans to him.

 

Your husband deserves a chance to find love again, do not stay with him because you're afraid to go at life alone, or scared to take a chance on the OM. Why is it OK for you to find love, on the side, and still stay married? Your husband LOVES you, yet you don't love or respect him enough to just end it so HE can heal, and move on.

 

You can still be a good mother and he can still be a good father to the kids. Have joint custody and make it as easy as possible for the kids.

[pricillia]

yeah forget what I said before edit continue...

[Ladyjane14]

...it's best he hears about the affair from you and not the OM's wife...Because chances are she COULD very well find out information about you, your husband, where you live and decide to spill the beans to him.

 

Fact is... she wouldn't have to spend more than ten minutes in a forum like this one before somebody like me recommended to her that she do just that.

 

You've made quite a few assumptions about how things will be once your marriage ends, Guest. For example, how the OM would be helping you raise your children. How do you know that your husband won't receive primary custody of the kids? I once read that men only request custody about 20% of the time, but in the 20% where they do request it, about 80% will get it.

 

In some states, joint custody is more the norm... but I think you'll find child support to be minimal if granted at all when the parents are 50/50. So, you better hope the OM means what he says and is willing to divorce and marry you. IF your current husband is willing to fight it out in court, he can probably prevent him from sleeping over when your children are present without benefit of marriage.

 

You know, the feelings elicited by an extra-marital affair are strong and exciting. There's an addictive quality, a physiological reaction going on in the body. But Guest... you're about to throw away life as you know it.

At that point, all you can do is cross your fingers and hope it's the real deal. Because until the hormones and neurotransmitters stop partying... there's just no way to know.

 

If you're curious about what your husband will be going through... check out the Separation/Divorce section. There are quite a few current threads posted there by men going through divorce due to infidelity. It's excruciating.

Take a box of Kleenex with you.

[LakesideDream]

Right on point as usual LJ.

 

Guest: You need to consider what your husband is going to do when the truth surfaces, (and it usually does). Is he going to be heart broken, and grovel hoping he can keep you as a wife / mother? Or is he going to go into "wronged spouse / pappa bear" mode and begin fighting?

 

IF he's a fighter, you stand to lose much more than you have counted on. All it takes is a sympathetic Divorce Judge for you to find yourself visiting your children and paying him child support. Stranger things happen.

 

Up to this point, you have done everything wrong. Think about the choices coming up... before stepping off the cliff.

[Mr. Lucky]

Think about the choices coming up... before stepping off the cliff.

But didn't she "step off the cliff" when she had the affair and fell in love with the OM? She's already destroyed her H's life - he just doesn't know it yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LakesideDream]

My hope for her is that she shut the whole mess down, right now and pray she isn't discovered. Then... start treating her husband with the respect he's earned.

 

If he's "in love" with her as she believes he is she could probably get away with confessing her sins, and be forgiven. Of course that's a big "if".

 

I think about my disfunctional / failed marriage. If my ex would have "come clean" ten years into the marriage, and begun to work on the relationship, I would have been happy to forgive her, embrace her effort and live happily ever after. I loved her that much. Fifteen years later she could have excreated golden turds, and it wouldn't have made any difference.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Quite frankly I wouldn't bet a dime that this man is going to start a new family 10 years out of retirement. He has raised his own children, been married and unfaithful to his spouse, and my guess is IF his wife throws him out after finding out about your affair, he will be happily playing the field. I hope you enjoyed your month long fantasy because reality is a b*tch, and it is about to rear its ugly little head!

[stillafool]

If you don't love your husband and are cheating on him - tell him and let him go. He deserves to have someone who loves him and is true to him. To stay is selfish. Who wants to live their lives with someone who doesn't want to be there. The children will be okay.

 

It always amazes me how people are so afraid to leave their marriage but are not afraid to cheat, get caught, and put their lives in jeopardy by possibly getting killed by a BS.

[jmargel]

This is probably the same type of woman that finds it 'disrespectful' for her husband to visit a strip club with his buddies now and then. Talk about selfish.

 

Do your husband the favor and leave him. He's done nothing wrong and your immaturity is really shining through. Oh poor you, pity this poor woman. You aren't happy within' yourself so you decide to have an affair? That's a pretty pathetic excuse.

 

How about it's because you are selfish, immature and not trustworthy. I think that sounds a little bit more like the truth.

 

You are more concerned about this OM than you are your husband and I can guarantee even if you two do go further with this, it won't last. Relationships that start off with strife end with it. However don't let this stop you from telling your husband the truth. He deserves to know how you behave.

 

'Truth Untold' is still the same as lying. You lie to your husband everyday that you don't tell him. This OM doesn't care for you, he doesn't love you. It's infactuation, not love. The novelty of it will wear off especially when you move in with him and see his bad habits, etc.. as he sees yours. You drag your children into this mess as well.

 

You need to break away from both your husband and this OM and goto IC for yourself. In the meantime let your husband have the children, he's the one that deserves them, not you.

[Ladyjane14]

This is probably the same type of woman that finds it 'disrespectful' for her husband to visit a strip club with his buddies now and then.

 

Good grief! WHERE did that particular assumption spring from??

 

You know JM, I'm starting to hear that old striptease riff whenever I see one of your posts...

ba-ba-dah-duh... ba-ba-dah-duh..

ba-ba-dah-duh... ba-ba-dah-duh..

ba-dah.. bamp.. bamp.. bamp..

:lmao:

 

 

I'm more inclined to agree with Lakeside. I'm always hesitant to recommend to women that they fess up. It might not be the right, but in general terms the betrayed husband has such a difficult time reconciling the information that there IS the possibility of violence to be considered.

 

That may sound gender-biased ... and I'm sorry for it because it's a painful situation regardless. While there IS a possibility for violence to be perpetrated by women, and this type of violence on the rise... I still have to think the odds are smaller.

 

At the minimum, Guest needs to get screened for STD's though and make sure she hasn't exposed her spouse to illness.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm always hesitant to recommend to women that they fess up. It might not be the right, but in general terms the betrayed husband has such a difficult time reconciling the information that there IS the possibility of violence to be considered.

 

That may sound gender-biased ...

Then aren't you, on some level, condoning the behavior? Let's say the OP had $250K in a retirement account that she brought into the marriage. Is is OK for her H to plunder and embezzle from the account as long as she doesn't find out about it?

 

Whwn I found out the my Ex had cheated, I had the same reaction as most BS - she had turned our life into a lie. All the time we spent together, the trips taken, times we'd made love - all lies. I would have had a better chance of dealing with it if she'd told me right away. The farther that the OP moves past day one, the bigger the lie. She should should stop the A, tell her H now and deal as best she can with the fallout...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

Then aren't you, on some level, condoning the behavior?

 

No. Actually, my personal preference is always for the truth to come out.

 

In couples who choose reconciliation, the truth can create greater emotional intimacy and highlight pre-affair problems in such a way as to allow them to finally be addressed. In couples who choose divorce, the truth can put the loss of the relationship in perspective so that the damaged party is better equipped to find closure.

 

On top of all that... EVERYONE should have the right to make their own informed decisions, and a betrayed spouse who's kept in the dark doesn't have all the data. It's not fair.

 

But... I find myself hesitant to give advice which has the potential to get somebody killed. It's a fault. Sorry.

[Woggle]

Good grief! WHERE did that particular assumption spring from??

 

.

 

Because you have a whole lot of women who find nothing at all wrong with them having an affair but think it is a major sin for a man to have a fun night out with the guys. It is pure hypocrisy.

[Ladyjane14]

Because you have a whole lot of women who find nothing at all wrong with them having an affair but think it is a major sin for a man to have a fun night out with the guys. It is pure hypocrisy.

 

C'mon .... the OP begins her thread with "I'm not proud of what I've done...", and goes on to say she feels "terrible" and "selfish". There's nothing in her post that should have caused you to come up with the idea that she and "a whole lot of women" think affairs are just fine for females. There's nothing in her post either about strip clubs or resentment of guys having fun with their friends. You're reaching, Wog.

[Woggle]

C'mon .... the OP begins her thread with "I'm not proud of what I've done...", and goes on to say she feels "terrible" and "selfish". There's nothing in her post that should have caused you to come up with the idea that she and "a whole lot of women" think affairs are just fine for females. There's nothing in her post either about strip clubs or resentment of guys having fun with their friends. You're reaching, Wog.

 

True but there us a pattern with women and this kind of mentality. Many women really act like they are the only one matters in a relationship.

[Salicious Crumb]

I am not proud of what I'm about to say and I have no clue if this is the forum to talk about this. I just don't know where else to go. I am married for almost 10 years now and have two children. I've been unhappy for years and I'm not even sure why. My husband is a great man, great father but I, personally, am just not happy. I have been unhappy for years and have only stayed out of fear of what I'd do on my own and now for my kids sake.

 

If your husband is a great man and father...then what is the problem?

The only reason I can think of you being unhappy is that you are just one of those people that get bored with the same person for too long.

 

I have always been faithful to him, until this past month. I have been having an affair with a married man. His kids are pretty much grown, mine are very young. This man and I have been attracted to each other for 6/7 years I guess. We work fairly closely. We finally had to act on them this past month. Nothing before this was an affair whatsoever. There was no emotional affair, nothing before this past month. This man and I are so in love. The first minute we were together (not sexually) I was so comfortable with him I felt like we'd been together for an eternity. He felt the same way.

 

Uh huh...just wait. You think you are in love now because this is new and exciting. Just like with your current husband..once the 7 year itch comes along...you will be wanting a new man because the one you claim to be in love with now will no longer be that new exciting relationship.

 

Well, his wife found out yesterday about us

 

Good

 

and now I have no clue what is going to happen. This guy and I have been talking for a bit now about wanting to be together permanently, to leave our marriages but we weren't sure how. We knew we wanted to leave on our terms, not because we were found out. Well, that's not the case now. His wife knows, and I truly honestly feel terrible about this.

 

In what way do you feel terrible? Sad because of what you are doing to your kids? His wife? Your husband?

 

This man is a LOT older than I am. I feel terrible because I knew I wanted a life w/him, but I also knew he's not far from retirement (10 years, maybe at the most), his kids are pretty much grown, and now if we were to be together he'd be going backwards in life. He'd be helping me raise two small children

 

Uh...no...if your husband is a great father...then why should HE not get custody? This affair is something YOU wanted. How fair is it to take his kids away from their father?

 

Either you should give custody to your husband if he is able to take care of them...or allow joint custody. Your husband shouldn't be denied his children on a daily basis because of what YOU did.

 

As far as this other man being much older than you...you have the 7 year itch disease...its hard for you to stay with the same person for too long...let alone when this new man starts to get all wrinkly and 2 steps away from being in a nursing home while you are still fairly young.

 

I really don't know where I'm going with this. I'm so afraid to leave my husband only because of my children. My husband is so happy in our marriage, but he knows I'm not.

 

And why is that? Same person for years not exciting to you anymore? He get fat....go bald?...What?

 

We are in counseling now, but it's not helping me. I have told myself for over a year now that I will stay in this marriage until my kids are much older, but that is so far away I don't think I can do that.

 

And that is damn selfish where your husband is concerned. You cheat on him...you stay with him for the kids...then many years later you are going to dump him that late in life? Why don't you do him a favor and divorce him? I know...because you'll be rolling the dice as far as your own future...*sigh*

 

I feel like my hand is being twisted here now because his wife found out and he's going to move out. He told me to take my time and decide what I want to do, he's putting no pressure on me but I feel so pressured. I feel pressured because I'm feeling so selfish for wanting to leave and not even thinking about my children.

 

You should have thought about your children and not have an affair in the first place. But thats all done now.

 

You want to know what would be fair to all parties involved...except yourself, if you divorce your husband...give him the option of full custody of the kids. Maybe he will let you have full custody if his job will leave him in a position to not be able to take care of them....but I think he could make it work since you are working now I assume your kids are in daycare anyway.

 

Give your husband the option of custody...because for you to just assume the kids will be with you is damn selfish. This man, according to your own words, is a good husband and father and does not deserve any of the crap that you are putting him through. No matter what you decide...do the right thing by this man.

 

What you are doing is not respectable by any means...but at least by giving him a choice where custody is concerned and not selfishly assuming you should get the kids in divorce would indicate some sort of decency on your part and could be respected for that if nothing else.

[Trimmer]

This is probably the same type of woman that finds it 'disrespectful' for her husband to visit a strip club with his buddies now and then.

 

Good grief! WHERE did that particular assumption spring from??

 

Because you have a whole lot of women who find nothing at all wrong with them having an affair but think it is a major sin for a man to have a fun night out with the guys. It is pure hypocrisy.

 

If you want to voice your generalizations and perceptions of "a whole lot of women", it's fine to do that by starting a new thread, so that you, as the original poster, can dictate the the topic. I'm sure you can find an existing thread on that subject with a simple search. This OP started a thread about herself and her specific situation; nothing she has said implies anything about her feelings about strip clubs. Even without passing judgement on the validity of jmargel's point, it is still an off-topic generalization which doesn't connect to the OP's situation.

 

OP (Guest) - you should register and give yourself an identity so we can recognize your posts. You may well be here a while.

 

My husband is a great man, great father but I, personally, am just not happy. I have been unhappy for years and have only stayed out of fear of what I'd do on my own and now for my kids sake.

 

If your husband is a great man and great father, what is the problem? That he isn't a great husband, in your view... But why is that? I think you have been looking to him to complete your life, to fill whatever voids you have that need filling in.

 

I think the problem is that when you look to another person to "complete you", to fill those voids, they are ultimately destined to fail in some way, big or small. And when you have been used to looking to someone outside yourself to solve those missing pieces, well, once you 'wear out' your husband, the obvious solution is that you need to find someone else outside to take his place.

 

"I have been unhappy for years and have only stayed out of fear of what I'd do on my own..."

 

You need to finish the job of growing up and become a whole person on your own, as an individual, or else you will continue to define yourself and your happiness by the man you are with, and the next relationship you enter will just be another stepping stone in a repeated pattern of looking outside to fill the empty places inside, and probably finding yourself disappointed yet again when that doesn't work.

 

So, while I disagree with jmargel's opening statement, I agree with his last point that you should get some IC (individual counseling.) There's more going on here beyond just the fact of the affair.

[Mr. Lucky]

No. Actually, my personal preference is always for the truth to come out.

 

In couples who choose reconciliation, the truth can create greater emotional intimacy and highlight pre-affair problems in such a way as to allow them to finally be addressed. In couples who choose divorce, the truth can put the loss of the relationship in perspective so that the damaged party is better equipped to find closure.

 

On top of all that... EVERYONE should have the right to make their own informed decisions, and a betrayed spouse who's kept in the dark doesn't have all the data. It's not fair.

 

But... I find myself hesitant to give advice which has the potential to get somebody killed. It's a fault. Sorry.

 

Your post in full of contradictions (uncharacteristically for you, Ladyjane, as I feel you normally give great feedback ) The OP gives not a hint of domestic violence, anger or threatening behavior on her H's part. In fact, she goes out of her way to say he is a good man and a good father. So, which is it? This:

On top of all that... EVERYONE should have the right to make their own informed decisions, and a betrayed spouse who's kept in the dark doesn't have all the data. It's not fair.

Or this:

I'm always hesitant to recommend to women that they fess up.

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

Your post in full of contradictions (uncharacteristically for you, Ladyjane, as I feel you normally give great feedback ) The OP gives not a hint of domestic violence, anger or threatening behavior on her H's part. In fact, she goes out of her way to say he is a good man and a good father. So, which is it? This:

Or this:

 

Both. The OP's spouse isn't here asking the question. My posts aren't tailored to him. And while I truly do believe that "honesty is the best policy"... she needs to make that decision for herself. I'm not going to recommend to someone that they do something which has the potential to get them hurt or killed.

 

You might not like it. Hell... I don't like it either. But the fact remains that men can (and sometimes do) react quite violently to news like this. We're generally talking about somebody who can easily be 60 pounds heavier, not to mention loaded down with TWENTY times more testosterone.

 

She needs to know that, and weigh it into her decision.

 

Now, I'm not one to tolerate a man hitting me, not more than ONCE anyhow ... but I can tell you from personal experience that it's a scary thing. And there doesn't necessarily have to be any previous signs of violent behavior. I've had one clout me upside the head to the point of seeing stars, and I'd have SWORN he wouldn't hurt a mouse. It can happen.

 

So... me, myself, and I... will NOT be advising women to confess their sins without taking that into consideration. You, of course, will do as you best see fit.

[Mr. Lucky]

You might not like it. Hell... I don't like it either. But the fact remains that men can (and sometimes do) react quite violently to news like this. We're generally talking about somebody who can easily be 60 pounds heavier, not to mention loaded down with TWENTY times more testosterone.

You're using the conduct of the victim (in this case, the male BS) to justify the crime (not telling him the truth about the A). Kind of like saying a rape victim got what she deserved. Still doesn't make sense to me...

 

Here's also where a strong gender bias is evident. The following is a list of the harm I suffered (and my situation isn't unusual) due to my ex's cheating:

 

1). I lost what I thought was a good marriage.

2). I lost the joy of living in the same house every day with my son.

3). I lost the house.

4). I lost much of my financial standing.

5). I lost 20 lbs.

6). I suffered anxiety attacks, went on meds.

7). Reaction to meds, lost my job.

 

Given a choice between the above OR being struck by my spouse with a nail-studded baseball bat, I'd have easily chosen the latter. So, while domestic violence is NEVER justified or appropriate, it certainly isn't the primary (or most common or, in this case, the most predictable) trauma one spouse causes another in these situations.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Darth Vader]

It's obvious that this pathetic woman will not post again, it's possible that this is a troll. However, I have a feeling that her husband will find out very shortly, he deserves to anyway.

[Darth Vader]

Why did you lose the house Lucky?

[Mr. Lucky]

Why did you lose the house Lucky?

Didn't want to further traumatize my son by removing him from friends, family and familiar surroundings. Mom and him stayed at the house, I moved to studio apt...

Mr. Lucky