Typical probably, but need support

[mjriii]

So my g/f and I met during our senior year of high school in the Fall. We became really, really good friends, she even had another b/f in between. By January, we knew we were into each other and wanted to try dating. We did and had the time of our lives from January until August when I went away for college.

 

It's now May, we've visited many times since I moved(once in August, one in Nov., an good 2 weeks in December, and then against just in Mid-March). Things have been hard, but we've managed and both been really happy about our relationship. We never fought, but have a little, mainly a big one last week over a lot of silly things.

 

We made up, talked fine, and even decided on several ways to improve our LDR ( call more, get better at making our own friends/living separate lives). We already talk all the time on AIM and we do the surprise gifts and stuff.

 

But then, the next day or two after we made up and things seemed great. She admitted she felt uncomfortable saying I love you and really isn't sure why anymore. She isn't sure if it's because we're falling out of love, if it's just the distance, if she's just bored with life and doesnt have enough of a separate one, or what.

 

So, we've gone on a "break", on her request, for 5 weeks until we can visit each other in person as school will be ending. The terms are that we can see other people (not just as friends), but nothing beyond cuddling and if someone kisses, you have to explain you can't do that right now. We agreed to still talk daily/ or at least every 3 days. We also agreed, that no matter what, unless she realizes she still loves me or w/e it is, that we'll at least spend some time together in person and make a decision after the end of a week back together or so.

 

I'm really not comfortable with this because of several things:

 

1) Last night was the first night and she went out with friends and had a blast (that's fine). But she also happens to have been with this boy she calls "really cute" and said something about him being so adorable when he sleeps. (Something she tells me ALL the time since we went out :-/ That really burns inside :-/). I'm fine with her having friends, but it seems so quick to be looking at someone else and we agreed that this was to "figure us out" not to find a new relationship. I do trust her to follow the rules , but I'm not sure if I can handle it for 5 weeks.

 

2)I think she's getting confused between her life being boring due to lack of friends/not committing to it sooner. I think she might, because she is doing more now, just assume it was me holding her back or something, when it really wasn't.

 

3) I do love her, but she's had a pattern of running from something that is hard, even if she really wants it. I have a feeling she might be convincing herself that she doesn't love me to cover the pain she'd feel for just saying "I can't do this LDR anymore" and "I need the physical aspect" too much.

 

Overall, I really feels she still loves me, but I'm afraid she's going to be so set on not an LDR and she's going to consider it over before we even have a chance to see what is real in person again. :-/

 

I don't know how to cope with this because I really, deeply love her. I really believe, if it wasn't for the distance, we wouldn't have this problem at all. I can't stand losing her just for distance and all that. :-/

 

Help !

 

(Sorry for it being so long, I got cared away and I am extremely emotional right now)

[In_thespurofthe_mome]

I'm sorry to hear that, Mjriii...

Yeah, there are so many relationships that 'collapse' because of college and what not. Some people are ready for commitment, some aren't. I mean if you think about your ages here, you're both really young! And apparently (from what i've heard) being strongly committed at that age is 'hard' and others say, "You should enjoy and live life out as much as you can before being completely committed." (But that has it's flaws, if you entirely enjoy being with that one person)

I think she probably feels that way, or one of her friends probably got that sort of idea in her head (That she should 'experience things' before she gets all committed and all).

It's just that everyone has different priorities in life :/

 

And about the "Really cute" guy, honestly, girls do that all the time. If they see a cute guy, they will take notice. @.@ Some can't help it, lol.

 

BUT! On a brighter note, this break might be good. I've seen that some relationships actually end up pretty good when [The couple dates, they break up / take a break, and then come back together] My friend says that they both have learned from it, and now their relationship is much better.

This can be your case too. I hope your grades aren't being affected by this because emotions can really flood your mind.

Just don't give up hope!

 

Good luck.

[hunniebunnie]

Wow, ur experience really does sound like mine. You mentioned about ur gf convincing herself that she doesn't love you to cover up the pain on not having you by her side, this is very true for me. I tried many times trying to convince myself that I don't love my LDbf anymore. Trying to block out memories and trying to live life without him around. It can be easy to make that a reality because he is afterall NOT around. By not turning on my HP or my computer, he's basically out of my life.

 

We have been dating for more than 2 years. He's in germany and I'm in singapore. So its a 12 hour flight between the two of us. We try to meet up regularly, mostly during my vacation. Which means only twice a year but for between 2weeks to a month. Whenever he goes back I would cry crazily and really feel my heart break. These are the time that I tell myself to give up. Why put myself through the pain? Just give up. But somehow I never did. I don't know why?

 

I'm pretty emotional at the moment and also feeling low. Although we are meeting in a month's time, I am very afraid of the heartache that comes with every meeting. He tells me to focus on the positive and forget the negative. But its just too difficult for me.

 

Any tips on coping with the heartache?

[catrocks]

I agree with what In_thespurofthe_mome said. If I were in your situation I would absolutely not feel comfortable with the things you listed. The only thing I can suggest is to really throw yourself into studying and try to occupy your mind when you aren't busy, and try not to think about it for the next 5 weeks. At least you have an end point in mind - after 5 weeks she will either decide that she loves you and wants to make it work or that she wants to break up. Hopefully it will be the first one, and I'm sure it will be. But if it's not then at least you can move on.

 

Have you told her you're uncomfortable with the break? If she knew that she was hurting you she might feel differently. Or at least not tell you that some guy is cute when he sleeps.... why would she tell you that???

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this but hopefully it will make her realise that she wants you. I'm not sure what to suggest besides keeping yourself busy and hoping that the next 5 weeks flies by

 

 

Wow, ur experience really does sound like mine. You mentioned about ur gf convincing herself that she doesn't love you to cover up the pain on not having you by her side, this is very true for me. I tried many times trying to convince myself that I don't love my LDbf anymore. Trying to block out memories and trying to live life without him around. It can be easy to make that a reality because he is afterall NOT around. By not turning on my HP or my computer, he's basically out of my life.

 

We have been dating for more than 2 years. He's in germany and I'm in singapore. So its a 12 hour flight between the two of us. We try to meet up regularly, mostly during my vacation. Which means only twice a year but for between 2weeks to a month. Whenever he goes back I would cry crazily and really feel my heart break. These are the time that I tell myself to give up. Why put myself through the pain? Just give up. But somehow I never did. I don't know why?

 

I'm pretty emotional at the moment and also feeling low. Although we are meeting in a month's time, I am very afraid of the heartache that comes with every meeting. He tells me to focus on the positive and forget the negative. But its just too difficult for me.

 

Any tips on coping with the heartache?

 

I always found going out drinking with my friends was a good way to take my mind off it

It's really horrible, I have also wondered thousands of times why I'm putting myself through that. But we do - and it sucks. I'm sorry you're feeling low at the moment, I don't have any suggestions for you besides trying not to be alone too often. I totally understand. Big hugs xx

[mjriii]

hunniebunnie

 

Yeah, every time we meet and have to part, she is most definitely the one who has the hardest time with it. I'm the stronger one, but even I shed some tears once or twice for like 10 minutes (unlike her with multiple times). But yeah, I guess she mentioned a bit how about how hard it is and she doesn't know that if after summer (when we can spend like 3 months together), if she could handle seeing me walk/drive away again. Maybe it's just way too much and she's trying to convince herself like you, I don't know. It's just amazing that each and every time back together we talk, do things, and everything like we have never been apart. Even the last time in Mid-March, it was perhaps our greatest visit since we've been apart.

 

Tips for heartache? If you still love him and are committed to it, I found that just realizing that in the long run, you'll spend a vast amount of time together with far greater happiness than the time you're going to spend with pain. My g/f always had fun making secret projects to show her love and even once made like a 200 pg note book thing, scrapping booking our dating and experiences. But to me, the reality of just knowing I have her and that the happiness together out weighs the pain was always enough.

 

catrocks

 

Yeah, I've stated how uncomfortable I am and unhappy, but it seemingly has no affect. Even long crazy talks of how much I love her and would do anything seemingly have no affect. She's honestly that lost with herself, and us, that she can't get control of herself enough to figure out a solution. So in reality, my only hope is a break and hope she figures it out before hand. If not, when we come back together, just hope the site, hugs, and maybe even kisses will spark it back again. As well as all the fun we can have together.

[mjriii]

sry, i forgot to copy the part i wrote to the first one!

 

In_thespurofthe_mome

 

I knew I loved her and really, honestly, know I'd be content in life never having to date another woman. I love her deeply and care about her more than anything I ever have. You're right though about different priorities ( well she never said she had any because we always agreed on our lives paths being very similar). The friends thing I can see, she's always kind of been a drifter, she'll do great with one group or certain people than after so long, she'll have a downfall with them. The new "thrill" and excitement that meeting new people just kind of takes her over I think. I think she doesn't realize that in friendship or a relationship that there's a peak at the beginning and it always falls eventually. Yet, true friends/love is there when you can still realize change and realize you're still overall happy the vast majority of the time. So yeah...maybe the break will help, I don't know, but it's all I've got left so.