help

[needadvise]

K, help me out people.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. He hasn't cheated physically, but I've caught him using internet sites to meet people. He has made up these profiles putting himself out there as a single person. (I know that it hasn't gone any farther than that) The first time I found out I was extremely upset...I've been cheated on in the past. We went through this huge thing and I thought he realized what that did to me. He said he realized what he did and promised he would never do it again. To my surprise, I've caught him again about a year later.

We've had many chats about our relationship since. There are a lot of things we have to work out. This time, he said his reason was because it didn't seem like I was willing to be a part of one of his life dreams....to move to Austrailia for a year. He also said that I don't seem appreciative of all he does for me...which IS a LOT. I do see what he is saying, there are a lot of things I need to work on, but I know that that is no excuse for doing what he did. Again, he's said that he's sorry and it won't happen again, and that he couldn't imagine going to Australia without me...he said if I weren't with him he couldn't see himself going at all cause he'd want to be there with me.

It's sooo hard because there was no reason for me to think that anything was wrong between us.....you know, no alteration in his attitude towards me etc. etc. That's what really scares me about this whole thing. I've told him that I'm willing to work things out cause I realize that we both need to change some things in our relationship.....but how do i ever know that something is wrong without searching for it!?....and I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend who is always searching for something wrong. How do I stop being like that!?

I don't really know what my question is to you all.....just whatever you might want to say or tell me might help....

Thanks for reading this insanely long message!!

[Kat]

I think you need to ask your b/f why he feels the need to do this. He says it is about going to Australia, or not going, yet I don't see how making up fake names and profiles helps him get what he wants (you to go to Aus for a yr).

 

Reading this it does disturb me, but I hope it isn't any more than you say.

[HokeyReligions]

Well, to mangle a phrase from Pollyanna, Search for the GOOD and you will find it. Stop searching for the Wrong.

 

If you don't want to go to Aus. for a year then you might risk him resenting you later on. Missed opportunities and unrealized dreams can haunt people and cause bitterness and resentment later on in life.

 

Would it be devastating to you to go to Australia for a year? You might even like it.

 

As for meeting people via the Internet, he sounds bored. That's how I found the message boards. I was bored and looking for someone to talk to. He may be unsatisfied with your relationship but doesn't know it and just feels confused about it. Instead of presenting himself out there he may feel more comfortable hiding behind a mask. Maybe he needs to or wants to make a personal change and doesn't know how -- so he pretends to be someone else.

 

There could be lots of reasons and not all of them involve you or the relationship.

[Debster]

Are these dating sites?

 

If so, this is entirely inappropriate because it is not that he's looking for a penpal or travel companion - he is looking to replace you. Plus, he's not being open with you about it and you have to resort to checking up on him. Not the best way to live.

 

However, if this is just like a chat room or message board thingy (similar to this) it could be quite innocent and it could be about people's travel experiences, learning about Australia, etc.

 

Can you share more information, please.

[needadvice]

These were dating sites...and he was on there completely as himself....looking to meet people as a SINGLE person....big write up, a new email address, picture and all. He used the picture I took of him on our 2 year anniversary....that one hurt! In one profile he even wrote.."No luck finding someone here in Canada" (he had himself on some Austrailian sites)....was crushed when I read that one.

 

Anyways, I hadn't been too willing to go to Austrailia AT FIRST, as I just finished school and started my career. I had a lot on my plate when he would talk about going to Austrailia so I told him that I wasn't sure and that I was worried about what I would do over there for work. It wasn't til recently that I got more into the idea......a girl at work is Austrailian and she told me there were lots of jobs there in my field...this made me feel a lot better about going, since I JUST finished school and all, and so I told him about it. Anyways, this was all JUST before I found out what he was doing.....so a little too late I guess.

 

Other than crushing his dream to go to Austrailia, he felt that I didn't appreciate all he did for me. He spends a lot of money buying stuff, taking me out for dinner....he even bought most of the presents for Christmas this year and didn't let me pay him back. He IS an amazing person and the most wonderful boyfriend I've ever had.....except for this internet thing. Another thing he talked about was me constantly asking questions......where he was going for the night, who with etc etc. I do see his point, and that's why I said I'd be willing to work things out. I AM that way! I want to stop it! I've been cheated on in the past, and I guess I didn't really get over the first time he did this internet thing. I know that past relationships shouldn't affect present ones.....it's just so hard and I don't know what to do...how to stop it....

He says he loves me and wants to be with me and will never do it again......but, so far, almost everything he says has been the same as the first time he did it....I don't know what I'm expecting him to do this time around....

I just want to feel like I can trust him, and be sure that we can get through this. Is it possible?

[katy_katt]

I don't know if it is possible.

 

This kind of thing can be really devastating to you and your relationship, particularily if this is the second time he's done this, and who knows how long he's been doing it for? In fact, it sounds like it is already getting bad. You questioning him seems like normal behaviour to me . . . since he's told you once that he would never do it again and then broke the promise, you don't know what you can trust him with again and he should be able to understand that. Sounds to me like he's turning it around and using you as an excuse as to why he is doing this: i.e. "Other than crushing his dream to go to Austrailia, he felt that I didn't appreciate all he did for me." It doesn't sound like he's appreciating anything you do for him, either. Or if he does, he sure doesn't know how to show it!

 

I know I'm always using my own anecdotes to clarify my replies, but obviously I feel I can only give decent advice on situations I've been in myself, so here goes: I found out once that my bf had been chatting with this girl online early in our relationship . . . he tried to erase their conversation but since it was on my computer I later found the whole record of what they had been saying to each other and it wasn't very good. When I told him how much it hurt me, he promised me he would never do it again. A few months later, he was emailing this girl online, telling her how beautiful she was and how much he'd like to bring her home to meet his mother, stuff like that. I inadvertently stumbled upon this one day and when I confronted him about it, he turned it completely against me, telling me that he felt that I wasn't paying enough attention to him and he just did it to make himself feel better. Of course, that didn't make ME feel any better! Although he told me that he would never do it again (again), I soon found myself snooping around on the computer whenever he wasn't around, certain that he was. And I became obsessed with it! I'd wait for him to leave just so I could spend all my time turning the computer inside out. Anytime I found a girl's name in his chat list I would confront him. It was a vicious cycle -- he'd ask how I found out, I'd tell him I'd been snooping, he'd get mad that I was snooping and I'd tell him that he shouldn't be mad if he had nothing to hide . . . and then a huge fight. It completely broke down our relationship; there was no trust left for either of us . . . me in wondering if he was still doing it, and him getting mad anytime he realized I'd been snooping on the computer.

 

To answer your question, you can try put your trust in him once again because I know how hard it could be to just end a relationship that has lasted this long, but it will probably be difficult for you either way. To be blunt, I would just end it right now because it doesn't sound like there's too much hope, and you could find somebody who will appreciate all you can give him.

[Debster]

There is no excuse for him being on a dating site when he is in a relationship with you.

 

So you won't go to Australia with him, he thinks he has a right to shop around for someone who does? Is he going to go back on the market everytime you do something he doesn't like?

 

Plus - why would you pack up everything and move to Australia for some guy who clearly isn't committed to the relationship?

 

I think you know deep down what you have to do. It's up to you whether or not you do it.

[needadvise]

I thank you all for your opinions and advice.

 

...but, man, I'm so confused. My bf and I had a pretty good conversation last night about what happened, and about what things we need to do to better our relationship. We talked about what problems we both have and need to work on with eachother. Just before reading the last two messages I was thinking..."Ok, I'm gonna start fresh with my boyfriend cause I love him and I think there might be a chance."...honestly, most of what he said wrung true, although I KNOW that is NO excuse for what he did. I have to admit, reading those messages just put me back in that place of doubt and confusion....but I DO appreciate them..really! I know I have to decide on my own though. Just wish I had some sign to make me sure either way......ya know? *sigh* Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't know if I can give up on this yet. I don't know if it will work out...and I'm prepared for that....but, I want to try at least.

Still open to advice or comments...

[Bill]

Same thing happened to me with my girlfriend at the time. She was signed up with sites to meet people as well. I later found out that she never stopped this, and that she never would. It's just not like these people to quit their stupid habits of not being content with one person.

 

At the end of that relationship I was so angered and confused that while I was deciding if we should break up, she did it for me. She was tired of having me find out that she was so not devoted and faithful.

 

I believe that he has proven he's trying to replace you. Think how that makes you feel. You would not do this to him, so why is he doing it to you? You never know how far he has taken that serach for someone else. Good luck.

[Tolkien]

What’s really wrong about all this is, I'm assuming, he is/has been talking to other women as a single guy. Blatantly lying to them, and going behind your back.

 

I am assuming he is talking to other girls simply because he has been doing it for such a long period of time, it's almost hard not to meet people.

 

Anyway, I see him as someone who would remain devoted to you, but wouldn't turn down another girl if given the chance.