Is there a chance - for a second chance?

[eroche]

This can also be under cheating forum. But the stage which I am currently in trying for second chance.

 

I have been married for 8 years now. We were a loving couple although we did have ups and downs. I have in my life had several relationsships. My wife only 2. The last one she was married to 20 years older man when she was 18. He passed away 9 years ago and then we met and got in love. The former relationship always worried me because with me we had a different, open and equal relationship. I have always wondered if she didnt miss certain things in our relationship which she did recieve in the former relationship.

 

Here comes the sad addition to the story:

 

Back in 1st of March, she told me that she had an affair which was at that time 6 months old. This was back in March 1st. The only reason she told me that the wife of the guy she had an affair with called her and told her that my wife had destroyed her life. She was afraid it would come into the open and told me. The man she was with was 7 years younger (we are both around the 40's) and has 2 kids. One just 1 years old.

 

This shocked me badly. I always thought that my wife was a person with strong beliefs. I was amazed thats she could keep i quite and newer confront me or even break up with me. It was clearly she was in some dreamland.

 

Right after we talked, and discussed how we could move on. Wrote things down and tried if we could work it out. This went for another 5-6 weeks and I was away for a small week. She had then confessed when I was back that she had been with him again. I then asked her to leave the house. Although she has stated she loves me a lot and cannot leave me, she also tried to break up with him but broke when he fell on floor and cired in front of her. She falt bad when going there, felt good for short while and felt very bad after. He is now in a divorce.

 

In the past 8 weeks she has been lying to friends and me. She is full with guilt. And even that I asked her to leave the house, she still cant stop seeing me. She has also mentioned how in love she was and how strong feelings she has with him. The way she described their relationship made me indeed feel it was like the one she had before me.

 

Now I have spoken to friends of ours and family. Found out about the lies. But also to find a solution. I do love her dearly. Although we are all amazed by the way she has decieved me and more, the way she fell in love. That she didnt have a moment of wakeup and see the consequences.

 

The latest is that I have asked her to stop all contact with him even though I see it difficult for her to do that. In one way she has chosen for me, but the in love part would be a struggle. If she does so, i would then aske her an myself to do counseling. Later if we are strong to build something up, both go to therapy.

 

There are more details, but I dont want to bore you with this. besides this is a sad story, the only hope for us is our love.

 

Now being honest, this will be tough struggle once she has truly cut contact with this guy. She feel guilt for him and for me. And for some reason now she still can get him out of her head. In love is in love. Even after 8 meetings with him and emals/sms contact/calls. He has chosen for her. She has not made any decision in front of me him but said she has chosen for me which honestly I have difficulty to believe now. Please not she could still make love and kiss during the period of deceiving.

 

Should I hope that there is a second chance? Is her in love out of this world and was her behaviour to be explained? If i was in love it would have been over within 2 months. They realized or just him relalized in february that he had stronger feelings. There is no doubt that she persued this while she was with me.

 

I will let you comment on this first and if you haev questions, please ask. I have now asked her to stop with him, think of the gap of love which she has found in this guy and both of us gets therapy.

 

thx for any comments

[eroche]

In this period she had a new stressfull job which she now cannot cope. Second, some of her friends that its a sort of addiction to be in love and they she felt.

 

Anyway, I just need to see if any of you have some good advice..

[delfina]

I can see you are really hurting. And, I can see that she is a woman who needs validation from more than one source. This can't work for a happy, monogamous relationship.

 

IF she commits to giving 110% to resolving the problems within the relationship between you two, you need to put conditions. Like, I think it would be VERY foolish for you to live with her again before you have spent a few months in counseling together. And, she has to break ties completely with the affair man.

 

Just remember that you can't fix the relationship with your effort only; it HAS to be mutual. I wonder if she is just stringing you along in case things with the love affair don't work out. Don't let her use you, even though you do love her. It is not healthy.

 

Best of luck.

[Poboy]

i dont know of a second chance but it would a third chance for her. i can understand someone making a mistake once and then do everything possible not repeat it if they are seroius about saving a relationship, maariage but she did do it again.

moving on , she is still in love with this man even though she wants to be with you... you cant ride 2 boats at a time. i think you have to give her an ultimatum that she has to pick either him or you and stick with it for the rest of her life.

if she goes with you , she has to have no contact with this man ever and if she does , that will be it between the two of you. she also has to go for therapy counselling to mend broken stuff and has to seriouslly try to move on with life. if she cant do all this , you shouldnt be with her and you should do what feels right .

so sit down and discuss it completely what she wants and what you want and make your decision accordingly.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I agree, it's time to man up and demand your wife be a goddamn wife. This is not a three way relationship. If she cannot or will not get OM out of her system and stp talking to him, suggest she move out and file for divorce or LSA, it's gonna take something drastic to change.

 

Right now your being a doormat. Stand up man!!!

 

Confront this OM and tell him forcefully and sternly that this affair is over, wheter he likes it or not and you will do anything to protect your wife. Anything. I bet you he'd run like hell.

 

Or If anything you dont have to take her back. Why should you? do you even have self respect she's disrespecting you left and right, how long this affair's been going on behind your back, now it's in your face.

 

I know your afraid of the two endings either she leaves and goes with the om, splitting your kids, divorcing you. Or she reconsile the marriage, dumps the OM, because she made a promise, a vow to you, her husband!!! your more important than some garbage fling she had on the side!!!

 

There's only two choices!!

 

Make her choose, stop being a damn pushover!!!

[eroche]

I guess I didnt make that clear about my demands. And second, thx for the replies.

 

After she truly made a mess of it the second time I asked her to leave the house. And mentioned shortly after, that I had to criterias: 1.Stop with the guy and 2. really get to understand why this has happened. Then we could see if we could build up the relationship again. It will take a while. My first check is if she can keep her away from the guy or him away from her.

 

What you also need to know is thats yes, I do love her, 2. if she has done the first step, she is still away from house for a while and trust as well as friendhsip/love needs to worked upon. The level of escapism was very bad. And if we you dont either look at is as a couple/individual iussues in coming periods then it will not work at all.

 

What I am looking for is someone who has tried to build trust up, someone who has been in affair and made it after with the former relation. Just ideas, experiences etc.

 

The last comment from me would be, is the reason i fought for it is that i hardlky have any family left. That in my older days i do believe in fighting for eachother even in situations like this. You dont see enough of it around you. People fighting for eachother. If this buildup doesnt work, then I can always say I did my best and dont take me any bad lauggage with me to new partners. If I suceed , only new love between us can start a new life.

 

cheers

 

cheers e

[Chrome Barracuda]

That's good, that you have a plan. But check it out, when the time comes will you do what needs to be done?!?

[eroche]

I guess I will se how strong I am. I mean it wasnt easy to see my wife suffer from love pain missing the guy. I made her read some comments in various forums and she got very nervous since it just didnt make her feel comfortable. Well time will tell how I will react in the end.

 

Its just a lonely and no fun situation to be in. You are truly alone with such matters no matter how many friends you have or professional support you can get.

[ryanisfootdrums]

Hi eroche,

 

While I personally have not been what you are going through, my aunt and uncle have.

 

You see, my uncle Richard and aunt Lanae had been married for many years and had two boys. I don't know the details of what happened, but Lanae had an affair with some random guy, and she got pregnant.

 

I remember hearing the Richard was having a really tough time with it all, but he really wanted his marraige to work. Somehow in the end she is not seeing the other man any more and Richard is raising the child as his own.

 

It isn't necessarily a heartwarming story, but the family is still together.

 

 

I also have a great uncle Ledair, whose wife of many years left him on their anniversery. She left him for some ugly dance instructor. Ledair was depressed for quite a while.

 

After some time he met a wonderful woman, who he ended up marrying, and he is very happy now.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hi eroche,

 

While I personally have not been what you are going through, my aunt and uncle have.

 

You see, my uncle Richard and aunt Lanae had been married for many years and had two boys. I don't know the details of what happened, but Lanae had an affair with some random guy, and she got pregnant.

 

I remember hearing the Richard was having a really tough time with it all, but he really wanted his marraige to work. Somehow in the end she is not seeing the other man any more and Richard is raising the child as his own.

 

It isn't necessarily a heartwarming story, but the family is still together.

 

 

I also have a great uncle Ledair, whose wife of many years left him on their anniversery. She left him for some ugly dance instructor. Ledair was depressed for quite a while.

 

After some time he met a wonderful woman, who he ended up marrying, and he is very happy now.

 

That's what we need to show eroche that there is life after divorce. He can go on but he got to live his life and live it for himself.

[Guest]

Wow..I am going through something similiar. Although...my situation is a little different. My man is 4 years younger than me. He has been seeing a girl who is 10 years younger than me. Its been off and on for years...but yet I kept going back to him. This time...its different. Yes, they can change if they really want to and is willing to work it out. He proclaimed his love for me. He has commitment issues which led him to do what he has done. As for me though, he is making changes...he took the first step into counseling. He is talking to a therapist on a weekly basis. After awhile...I think we will need couple's therapy...which I really think is worth it since I love him so much. If its worth it to you...forget about what people say to you. Believe me...I get so many negative responses from friends and families...but you know what? They don't know the whole situation and they should just be there for you for support. I say...if she wants to be with you....give her altimadems. If she chooses to go the other way...let her go...it will only be heartaches for you.

 

Best of luck to you.