Feel bad about moveing on or not.

[theidealist]

This is kinda hard to do, b/c I don't know where to start. I'm still trying to figure it out after 3+ years and the answer's probably looking me right in the face, but I'm just to blind or afriad to see it.

 

I've liked this girl more then a friend for sometime now and she only wants to be friends. OK. Fine, you can't win them all, but there's something different about her that I haven't seen in other people I've dated or known and I can't really move on. I know what you're thinking, "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I've heard that song and dance before." But isn't life a growing experince until you die? Learn from YOUR own mistakes before you learn from someone elses?

 

Well, I've been at a stand still for sometime and some really bad moods b/c of it. I am trying my hardest to keep control of my feelings and not to give anymore guilt trips b/c I've realized that's what they really were, not just my feelings. I've unfortunatly lost the battle over them a few too many times.

 

Like any friends, we have our highs and lows and they hit a real low just before summer and a few of you posted to her about it and they actually made sence, as painful to have read them, it was a sad but true story kinda thing. I know they probably won't remember hers b/c it happend in April and I'm sometimes lucky to remember what I did yesterday myself let alone what I would have posted to that far back. I don't really feel like opening old wounds since she's not seeing that guy anymore. I know I should have been happy she was happy with someone, but what I heard about the guy, it was hard to be happy for her in the first place.

 

OK, on with what I'm trying to get to. My best friend I would gladly call my brother, is trying to set me up with one of his girlfriends friends. They have set me up on a few other dates, but ended with me never going any further then meeting the girls and that's it.

 

Well as the year was ending, I was told of a girl who was told of me b/c she just got out of another bad relationship and wanted to meet someone nice for a friend or more. Bad idea jumping from one to another. I was kinda interested in meeting her though, and finally did for a little bit. I have to admit, she wasn't bad and I wouldn't mind getting to know her a little bit better, BUT AS ONLY A FRIEND. Kinda twist of irony on my part. Going from hearing it for almost 4 years to saying it to myself in a half hour. I'm going to tell her straight out the next time I'm going to see her that I'm not really looking for a relationship until I can get my head clear of what's going on and lay the cards on the table and let her make her decition from there what's she going to do, unlike what happend to me.

 

I don't know what's wrong with this, b/c I want to move on, but I feel so bad about moveing on. It's not if I go out with someone else, she might give me a chance and I'll only ruin it b/c I moved on to someone new kinda feeling.

 

A woman from work said something that felt like it was the reason, I was cheating on three people; the girl I met, the one I like, and me. She said a few other things, but I'll save those if you're as lost as I am writing this or you're just curious about this.

 

I know what it's like to go through a string of bad relationships and always hope for someone better, but you always have that bad taste in your mouth from the last one. Makes you kinda bitter, but I was fortunate to finally open my eyes and see it was me, not them. Well not always me for a few. Just need to stop been afraid to keep my opens all the time, they say ignorence is bliss and it is to a point, but you never know what's going to smack you in the face if you can't keep them open all the time.

 

I'm stuck in a hard place right now with my feelings. I know I should probably walk away from it and get myself straightend out first, but that's been my problem for years, I've walked away from everything that was hard and I'm still regretting it with only a highschool diplomma, but a dead end job. I actually want to stand up for something once on my own instead of running from it.

 

(Don't worry, I'm actually makeing plans now to go somewhere with mylife and a goal taboot. Computer is mylife and I love to find out how something works in it and upgradeing mine.)

 

OK, I side tracked there for a moment, I'm OK now. lol

 

Were was I? OH yeah, I know I'm going to live the rest of mylife feeling the way I do for my friend and her son(Oh, BTY, she has a son) and have to live a lie to the woman I'll eventually marry or at least be with down the road in mylife. Granted I know people that aren't married to the person they wanted to be and seen a few posts about the samething. But I can't stand the thought right now of makeing someone elses life seem meaningless b/c they gave me their all and I didn't put as much out as I would have, I've seen and heard their stories and it makes me feel bad for that lucky girl that I finally give into, but can't really love back.

 

I know I'm going to hear a lot of mixed emotions from people who are going to comment and advise what would be best, but if life really is like my best friends attitude about this, he would only say:

"Suck it up, get over it, and forget her b/c she only one of millions of fish in the sea have another beer and live your youth."

 

True, but to each his own I believe too. If you think it's worth fighting for and putting up with, it only makes it sweeter in the end.

 

I know I really side tracked now and didn't make much of anything, but it's been bulding up for a few months now and I needed to let go, but I didn't want to let it go on her again b/c she's haveing enough troubles as it is with her son, work, and school. Me unloading yet for a hundredth time will only bury myself even further on her **** list then I alread am. This I can say, she may not love me the way I want or will ever say she loves me as a friend, I'm happy she values our friendship between us and that I'm there when she gets into a real rough spot.

 

If you need clairification on anything, you know how to get a hold of me, just post back you're question or if it made sense to you, let me know what it was I said b/c even re-reading it, I got lost, it's the basics and there's a whole bunch of stuff I think would need clairifications, but I'm willing to hear everything you have to say, good or bad. Just be gentle the first time around. I read her ad and knew that I had a few people down right call me the bad guy and only one say she should look at it from my point of view and come out with the truth to me and herself about her boyfriends atleast. I don't like the idea, but it's easier to hear it then seeing them. Tid-bit of info of which post agian she's from, the thing is, when she said what her name was, that really wasn't her name, but I'm not going to tell.